S03|12- Creating Connection with our Adult Children with Bonnie Lyman

 

Bonnie Lyman is a mother of five adult children and a certified, faith-based life coach.  She decided to build a business around helping moms who want to stop struggling in their relationships with their adult children after having been heartbroken from various challenges with her own adult children.  She learned how to stop hurting and start living the life she wanted to live through learning what the real cause of her problem was.  She was letting her brain tell her lies.  Once she learned how to manage her thoughts, she found peace in my life.  Everybody talks about how challenging teenagers may be, but nobody ever told us about the transition that takes place from being a parent of young children to being a parent to adult children.  Bonnie now helps moms get past the hurt of this new role in their children’s lives by helping them understand why they are feeling so heartbroken, and how to feel peace in and acceptance of the kind of relationship they are now having with their children. Bonnie coaches people 1:1.

What we discuss in this episode:

• What struggles come up in the adult parent/child relationship
• How we are hurting ourselves and our relationships unknowingly
• What we can do to take back control of our lives and focus on connection, love and support for our kids
• How to celebrate our adult children’s independence and to love them just the way they are

Sign up for a free consult with Bonnie HERE.
Click RECEIVE to get a free resource guide:  Three Ways to Create Connection with Your Adult Children
Website:  https://www.bonnielyman.com
Connect on IG:  @bonnielymancoaching
Find her on FB:  BonnieLymanCoaching

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Are you struggling to implement these concepts and parenting philosophies? Implementation of what we’re learning is KEY, it makes THE biggest difference when were on the path to change. Join me in a FREE workshop this month, “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Parenting”.

Dates:
Part 1- November 23rd, 2 pm MST
Part 2- November 24th, 2 pm MST
Open coaching call/Q+A- November 29th, 8 pm MST
Click here to register: Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Parenting

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I would be honored to be your coach and help you get the changes you want to see in your life. The tools that I talk about in my podcast and use in my coaching have completely turned around my life and my relationships with my children. I know what it takes and how to make it happen. You can use the links below to get more of my content and to learn what we do in my program By Design. I love helping women tap into their inner expert and build radical connection in their relationships with their children.

Link to my program: By Design
Find me on the ‘gram: The.Parenting.Coach
My website: coachcrystal.ca
Work with me 1:1 HERE

 

 

Episode Transcript

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hi, and thanks for listening to my podcast. I hope that you've been enjoying learning about all these concepts; how to change our relationship with our kids, how to change our relationship with ourselves, how to have healthy boundaries, how to have more compassion for ourselves. 

All of these things boil down to one main concept; think, feel, do. Our thoughts or the way that we think, creates how we feel; and 'how we feel' is the emotion that then fuels what we do. So, if we want to change anything in our lives, it starts with our thoughts. 

If you would like to take these concepts and implement them – not just listen to them and think, 'Okay, that's lovely, that's interesting' – if you really want to have it change your life, it starts with implementation, come to my free workshop, "Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Parenting", on November 23rd and 24th with an open coaching call on November 29th. 

A recording will be available for everyone who registers. I hope to see you there, bring a friend. 

 

Hey, I'm Crystal, a certified life coach and mom of four. In this podcast, we combine radical connection and positive parenting theories with the How-To Life Coaching Tools and Mindset Work to completely transform our relationship with our children.

Join me on my journey, unleash your inner parenting expert, and become the mother you've always wanted to be. Make sure you subscribe wherever you listen to your podcast and rate this podcast on Apple, and check out my transformative monthly membership for moms in the show notes.

 

Hello and welcome to the podcast today, Creating Connection with our Adult Children with Bonnie Lyman. 

 

Bonnie Lyman’s background, what she does, and how she got started

Bonnie Lyman is a mother of five adult children. She’s a certified, faith-based life coach. She decided that she wanted to build a business around helping moms who want to stop struggling in their relationships with their adult children after she had been heartbroken from various challenges with her own adult children. 

She learned how to stop hurting and start living the life she wanted to live through learning what the real cause of her problem was. She was letting her brain tell her lies. Once she learned how to manage her thoughts, she found peace in her life. 

She helps moms get past the hurt of this new role in their children’s lives by helping them understand why they are feeling so heartbroken, and how to feel peace and acceptance of the kind of relationship they are now having with their adult children.

Hello, Bonnie. Thank you for being here.

 

Bonnie Lyman: Oh, thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be able to talk to your audience, and I'm just delighted that you invited me to be on your podcast.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I am too, especially because I haven't had anybody come and speak about relationships with our adult children. I talk a lot about toddlers, all the way to teenagers. 

And I did do some on like, you know, teens and young adults, but we haven't really dug into like, what happens when your kids are adults and they have their own kids? Then, how do we have relationships with them? 

So, I'm super excited to dig into this topic. But before we get there, I would love for us to tell you about you and what you do; and then, also, how you got started doing this.

 

Bonnie Lyman: Okay. So, what I do is I help women that want to stop struggling in their relationship or their connection – however you want to word it – with their adult children. 

I got started in this because I just saw so many women that were struggling in that. And the thing of it is, is people kind of warn you about when you're going to have teenage children and there could be some challenges there, but nobody ever talks about having adult children and, kind of, the disconnect that will happen. 

So, if you notice, we call them adult children. So, they're an adult and we’re an adult, and so you get a lot of adult opinions; and yet, because you were the parent and maybe a little bit older and had a few more experiences, we tend to want to default, 'Well, I know what’s best.' 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah.

 

Bonnie Lyman: And we forget they have their agencies. So, I look upon it, you are actually quitting one job and starting another.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah.

 

Bonnie Lyman: And it's, you go from someone just needing you – you know, as your kids got older when they were living at home or with you or whatever circumstances – to they might still need you, but they don't want to need you… and they want to try these things, and they want to learn on their own. 

And yet, you know, it used to be what, father knows best, but we still think 'mother knows best'; and we kind of want to interfere. So, I could see that after I had gone through some challenges with my adult children, you know, exactly what my role was and how it was changed – as they were going through their challenges, they didn't need me to give them suggestions. 

And as parents, if they asked us, we would offer some – but they needed to always be loved, and felt that we loved them. And so, that's really what it comes down to. 

You know, I kind of call my program Loving on Purpose, and you know, our brain wants to default, know something has gone wrong, where really, they are just going through their school, their life's lessons and learning the things they need to learn in this life. 

And we need to kind of stay out of it, and not meddle in them learning the best way that they can learn these life's lessons.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah, I love that you said that it's just like learning to love them and love them on purpose, because that really is what I teach to moms with kids of any age. 

I think that that's always the solution, like, let's just love them anyways. We don't know what's going on with them; even if we think we do, even if we see what's happening, we never really know what's going on inside of themselves. 

And so, just loving them anyways; I think that's just always the answer. 

 

Who does Bonnie Lyman work with?

Crystal The Parenting Coach: So, tell us a little bit about what you do now. So, do you work mostly with-- Do you work with couples or with moms that are struggling with their adult children?

 

Bonnie Lyman: I only-- Well, I would work with dads, but usually, dads get it. Dads aren't so emotionally tied up; they don't take it so personally, where, you see, the first thing when I start working with moms is they tend to blame themselves. 

So, first, we have to get over that huddle, that, you know, 'You did not do anything wrong' – that you, probably, never got up and said, "Well, I think I'm going to mess things up for my kids today."

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah.

 

Bonnie Lyman: You know? And so, you know, we all did the best we could and if there's so many more tools out there now; podcasts and books and everything that are there to help us, but really, it's just helping us change our mindset about our role as a mother. 

But if you were supposed to know those things before, they would've been there for you, but they weren't so you just have to give yourself some love and some grace that, 'Hey, I really felt like I did the best I could.' 

And so, then, when they go off, it's really kind of easy. The only thing we have to do for our adult children is to love them; now, you know, I help my clients see, 'Well, what does that look like to them, to love someone?' 

You know, it may mean setting some sort of a boundary. It may be being a cheerleader. It may be being silent. It may be not nagging them or not making them feel guilty because they went to their spouse's three Thanksgiving dinners in a row and didn't come.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Didn't come to yours.

 

Bonnie Lyman: Your house, you know? So, you know, it's learning, kind of, to be available, but not to feel like you have to guide them and remind them of choices.

 

What struggles come up in the adult parent/child relationship

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. The dynamic really shifts when they become adults, because in the regular parent-child dynamic, you have like kind of the parent at the top and the child's looking to the parent to see like, 'How should I behave? And is this okay, and is this not okay?' 

And all of those kinds of things that we do in a healthy parent-child dynamic. And then, they switch and they become adults and they're, like, our equals. And we have this like co-partnership, kind of. 

And we're like, 'How does this work now, now when like, they have their own ideas and opinions and I want to love them, but also, I might not necessarily agree with the way they're living their life or that they're not coming to Thanksgiving dinner, or that they're not staying for as long as I want them to at Christmas?' Or any of the things that might come up which I'm sure come up in most families. 

So, why don't you tell us a little bit about some of the struggles that people come with when they first come to see you? Like, what does that usually look like when they're struggling in a parent-adult relationship?

 

Bonnie Lyman: Okay. Surprisingly enough, it may be as simple, but it all stems back to the same thing, is they are not getting the attention from their adult children that they thought they would – as in the form of calling them a certain amount of times responding to their texts immediately. Maybe, you know, like I said, deciding, 'No, they're not coming to my house for Thanksgiving.' 

And so, what it comes down to, it's almost like we are expecting our children to fulfill our needs. You know, a lot of times, probably the most common feeling that comes up is resentment. 

You know, 'They should be showing me more appreciation, they should be showing me more respect, they should be reaching out to me more,' where I say, "Well, you know, in a way that's kind of being selfish – the only thing you have control over is you, so, who do you want to be?'

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah.

 

Bonnie Lyman: What can you do to show love, respect, and appreciation to your kids because we all have the same needs? Our kids, just because we raised our kids, they are not obligated to pay us back in any emotional payback. 

Now, when you do get one, I go, 'Ching! I just got a paycheck,' and it feels really good, but I am not going to be in misery that my child is not following my manual. So, we all kind of have a manual that we didn't even know we had of how an adult child should respond to their mother or their father. 

But I just think women take it more personally. Men oftentimes, think, 'Oh, oh yeah, he didn't call me on Father's Day,' they don't even think about it. But a mother is kind of counting.

 

How we are hurting ourselves and our relationships unknowingly

Crystal The Parenting Coach: She is counting on that. As you were speaking, I was thinking about this couple that I coached. It was a while ago. And it actually was-- It was both the mother and the father that were struggling with their relationship with their adult child. 

And it was a younger adult child, and it really was the same idea that you're talking about. Like, 'They don't want to spend time with me, they only want to spend time with their girlfriend, they don't want to hang out with me, they don't want to call me, they don't want to do all of these things.' 

And as the, you know, session progressed, it became apparent that because they had this idea or this story in their mind that they weren't dropping by as much, they weren't texting as much, they weren't calling as much, they weren't reaching out on their end as much. 

Even though they kind of felt like they were at the beginning, the more we got clear on it, they really weren't. 

So, I think beyond just like, you know, we don't need to focus so much on what they're doing or not doing, it also makes us show up in a way, in that relationship that's kind of pushing them even further away – either like calling and texting them all the time and, you know, flooding them with things or pushing away ourselves because we're hurt or offended.

 

Bonnie Lyman: Right. Right. We get kind of graspy, but it's hard; it's hard to know, 'Okay, what is my responsibility? You know, when do I intervene?' And there are times, you know, that only you as the parent of that child will know when you need to intervene. 

You know, I've heard of cases of daughters that were being physically abused by their husbands, and they stepped in and said, "I'm taking you out of this situation and you're going to come live with us for a little while until we figure out what you really want to do about this." 

But most of the time, our kids, they just really want to figure things out on themselves. I can remember just going to the minor emergency clinic once I'd cut myself real bad, and this guy's stitching me up and we got talking. 

He asked me what I did, and he goes, 'Oh my gosh, my mother needs to talk to you.' And he even said, "I stay away from my mother because if I go to talk to her, then she just goes on and on and she goes-- You know, she harps on me – Oh, this feels so good. Why don't you contact me more often?" 

And he said, "It's just a guilt trip." On the very thing of where we're trying to show interest, we are sometimes repelling our children away from us. Number #1, our children just want us to be happy. 

And so, that kind of means maybe at this time of your life – I mean, a lot of people I work with have children out of the house and they have children in the house. So, you know, they're doing both roles still; they've got both jobs, you could say, but you have got to find something that is fulfilling and just really rocks your boat. 

And that's one of the reasons I got into life coaching. There was a time it came in my life, my husband and I went on a mission to Africa with our church, and I came home and I thought, 'I just can't be dependent from getting all my dopamine hits – or whatever you want to call it – all my joy from associating with my kids and my grandkids,' because as your grandkids get older, they get more involved. 

You know, everybody just, they just want mom, grandma, they just want you happy. So, in some situations, it is totally fulfilled from your adult children and those families, but oftentimes, it's not; and then, we go to, 'Well, how come my kids aren't interested in what I'm doing in life? They never ask me what's going on.' 

And so, you do have to find that satisfaction and fulfill your own needs; and it's not easy. All of this is not easy, mainly because we were not prepared for our kids not needing us and wanting to be around us every second. 

I mean, if I think about it, if my kids were having to call me all the time for advice, you know, I almost need to question my parenting more on that, 'Did I not teach them how to problem-solve in their life?' And yet, deep down, would I like that? Oh, yes. We like anybody to ask us for advice, you know?

 

What we can do to take back control of our lives and focus on connection, love and support for our kids

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. We're like, 'Well, just call us anytime.' And I found when I was first a young mom, I did do that often. I was like, 'I have no idea what I'm doing here, I had no idea it was this hard,' but as I kind of grew in – like what you said – problem-solving skills, figuring that out on my own. 

And I think we always need them, but I think that the need is so different. It's like, you know, on the sidelines of like, 'I want you to be there, and I want to know that you love me and that you're there in case I need you.' 

But that's very different from like, 'I'm going to call you every day, and I'm going to always respond to your text, and I'm going to come over all the time,' and that might be really tricky in those relationships. 

 

What to do if our relationship with an adult child is strained

Crystal The Parenting Coach: What about, like, really difficult relationships where it's not just like, 'Okay, you're not calling or texting me enough' – but maybe there's not a lot of contact or whatever contact there is, it's a big conflict. Do you see that in your practice a lot?

 

Bonnie Lyman: Yes. I see it a lot; as in, the child will say, "I don't want you texting me, I don't want you calling me, I don't want to see you again." You know, there's this total break, and we kind of call that estrangement. 

And so, you know, there is a process that, 'Yes, you have valid reason for feeling hurt. So, you just got to feel hurt, and you got to grieve about that for a while.' 

But then, you have to decide, 'I'm never going to give up because things never stay the same – I'm not going to give up that one day, our relationship will be better, but at the same time, I'm not going to sit around and just be miserable the rest of my life hurting that my child has done this… I need to move on in life.' 

And whatever that means to you, it's, 'Okay, who do I want to be and what do I need to do to get there?' So, you know, maybe you decide, 'I want to go back to school,' or 'I want to get involved in hobbies,' 'I want to go to work,' 'I want to travel,' 'I want to do more volunteer work in my community,' 'I'm going to look for somebody that I can connect with that she needs me and I need her'. 

You know, there's just so many options. I just believe if you have the desire and you kind of give your brain that assignment, 'Okay, you got to find something else that rocks your boat now in your life,' that you will find it.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah.

 

Bonnie Lyman: You know, you don't even have to know right now what you possibly want to do, but just realizing, 'I have the choice to be miserable, or I have the choice to move on and move forward hoping and even believing, hey, things don't stay the same, I'm hopeful one day we reconnect.'

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. I love everything that you're saying. I think that it really has to do with us. Like, I talk about this a lot when with younger moms, with younger kids, that are like just putting their whole identity on their children. Right? 

And then, when their children do something wrong, then they make it mean something about them. And then, when their children move off and go to college, then it's like, that is their whole life because they made that their whole life. 

And so, what I typically tell people is the same, like, "Let's figure out something you're passionate about now." And that's the same advice that you're giving is like, 'Let's figure out like, what is your passion? What can your focus be?' And as you thrive, those relationships will start to thrive. 

And that when you're in that really struggling, disconnected kind of relationship, when you can heal and forgive and move on that's kind of where the healing will probably come in – in that relationship, if it's going to come. It won't come from the, you know, 'I'm hurt and offended and not going to talk to you anymore either' type energy.

 

How to celebrate our adult children’s independence and to love them just the way they are

Bonnie Lyman: Right. And I think if you talk to any mother, parent; you know, when they're raising their kids, one of the things they would say they hoped would happen as their kids left the nest, that they would be independent. And so, now they become independent, and we don't like it.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: That is so true. That is so true. So many moms are like, 'I just want them to be able to do this on their own; to zip up their coat, to put their seatbelt on, to drive themselves to school,' and then they're finally independent, and we're like, 'Wait a second, can you be less independent?'

 

Bonnie Lyman: Right. Right. And so, you know, we don't even realize that because we didn't realize that in order for them to be independent, you know, there's got to be a break. 

Another thing is to think back when you were that age, and you know, how were you treated? Or, you know, you may not like how you were treated. You know, what did you want? 

Everybody wants freedom. Your kids want the freedom to be able to make decisions on their own, and learn how to pick themselves up when they make a mistake; and it may take them a long time to do that. We want the freedom to not be unhappy that our kids are acting like adults and exercising their agency.

 

Bonnie Lyman’s final advice

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. Yeah. They're people too. And they grew up to become people. And now, we're like, 'Wait a second, what does this mean for me?' 

So, what's one kind of last tip that you could leave with us of, of all of the difficulties and problems that you see with your clients and in your own relationships or your friends’ relationships? 

What do you think would be one tip that could help somebody that's struggling, that's listening to this conversation today?

 

Bonnie Lyman: Well, I think one thing, and this sounds kind of weird, is you really need to become a little more arrogant. You need to have a little more self-confidence, 'I was a good mom, I did the best I could.' 

And then, also go to curiosity, 'I wonder why they are choosing to never call me, I wonder why they are choosing to go on drugs, I wonder--' You know, just get curious. 

I like the thought, 'If I thought like they thought, how would I be acting?' A good analogy of that was when there was all the ruckus when President Trump was in office. 

I heard somebody say that if you thought, like he thought, and I'm not taking sides here politically, but if you thought like he thought, how would you be acting? And so, it's kind of putting yourself in their shoes, and looking at a perspective of wanting to enjoy this freedom. 

If you remember what it felt like when you got your driver's license, it was like, 'Whoa, you know, you just felt so free and you felt like you had more power in your life.' So, our adult children are, they're enjoying not being under the umbrella of us, and we're missing that they're just not as close to us and need us. 

I mean, it feels really good to be needed. So, we have to give up our own desires for their desires, and let them become who they're supposed to become.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah, just let them be. And I love your tip of like, let's just get into their shoes and let's figure out what's going on with them, because it helps us become more empathetic to what's going on there. 

We're like, 'Oh, okay, yeah, I get why they might be thinking this or why they might be doing this.' And I also love what you said about, 'Let's just become-- Let them become whatever they're meant to be,' and not constantly try to be meddling in there and molding them into something that we feel like they should be. 

Thank you, Bonnie, for this great conversation. Thanks for coming on today.

 

Bonnie Lyman: Well, thank you, Crystal.

 

How to connect with Bonnie Lyman

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Why don't you tell us quick how people can find you. I'll add it to the show notes as well. Are you on social media, website? Where can they connect with you?

 

Bonnie Lyman: My website is bonnielyman.com. They can find me on Facebook and Instagram, @BonnieLymanCoaching. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Awesome. 

 

Bonnie Lyman: And I offer free one-on-one 60-minute consults if you just want to talk about your issue, what's going on. And I just really love what I do. I love seeing the transformation, and it's what I've decided to do with my life as I have these five adult children off navigating their lives.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes. You have some amazing adult children too. I know a few of them, and they're pretty great. So, you must have done a great job.

 

Bonnie Lyman: I don't take-- I don't take the credit because I'm not going to take the credit for the mistakes.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: That's so true. That's so true. Okay. Thank you, Bonnie.

 

Bonnie Lyman: All right.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Bye. 

I hope you enjoyed today's episode. Make sure that you give it Five Stars on Apple, and check out my monthly membership for moms in the show notes.

 

Hi, and thanks for listening to my podcast. I hope that you've been enjoying learning about all these concepts; how to change our relationship with our kids, how to change our relationship with ourselves, how to have healthy boundaries, how to have more compassion for ourselves. 

All of these things boil down to one main concept; think, feel, do. Our thoughts or the way that we think, creates how we feel; and 'how we feel' is the emotion that then fuels what we do. So, if we want to change anything in our lives, it starts with our thoughts. 

If you would like to take these concepts and implement them – not just listen to them and think, 'Okay, that's lovely, that's interesting' – if you really want to have it change your life, it starts with implementation, come to my free workshop, "Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Parenting", on November 23rd and 24th with an open coaching call on November 29th. 

A recording will be available for everyone who registers. I hope to see you there, bring a friend.