S03|21 - Boosting Connection and Communication with our Teens and Tweens with Amy Kelly

 

Amy has a passion for supporting those on the front lines with teens. During her time as a middle school teacher, Amy was featured in The Washington Post and Kiplinger’s Personal Finance Magazine and served as a teacher-leader for Congresslink.org. She provides fresh ideas, strategies and resources for middle school parents and teachers.

Amy currently lives in the Dallas area with her husband, two teens, and two dogs. When she’s not working on her podcast, you can find her listening to U2, watching Gilmore Girls for the millionth time, or hanging out on the patio with her guy. Unless she’s hiding so she can finish that young adult novel she’s reading. Then, you’ll never find her.

What we talk about today:

• Generous listening and how it differs from active listening
• Creating open communication with our teens
• How to use the power of story to increase communication
• Separating what is going on with us and what is going on with our teens and tweens to up our communication skills

Connect with Amy:
Website: www.theishgirl.com
IG: theishgirlreads
FB: theishgirl
Podcast: In the Middle of It
Questions for any book: HERE

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I would be honored to be your coach and help you get the changes you want to see in your life. The tools that I talk about in my podcast and use in my coaching have completely turned around my life and my relationships with my children. I know what it takes and how to make it happen. You can use the links below to get more of my content and to learn what we do in my program By Design. I love helping women tap into their inner expert and build radical connection in their relationships with their children.

Link to membership: By Design
Find me on the ‘gram: The.Parenting.Coach
My website: coachcrystal.ca
Work with me 1:1 right HERE

 

 

Episode Transcript

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hey, I'm Crystal, a certified life coach and mom of four. In this podcast, we combine radical connection and positive parenting theories with the How-To Life Coaching Tools and Mindset Work to completely transform our relationship with our children.

Join me on my journey, unleash your inner parenting expert, and become the mother you've always wanted to be. Make sure you subscribe wherever you listen to your podcast and rate this podcast on Apple, and check out my transformative monthly membership for moms in the show notes.

 

Amy Kelly's background, what she does, and how she got started

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hi, and welcome to today's podcast episode, Boosting Connection and Communication with our Teens and Tweens with Amy Kelly.

Amy Kelly is the creator and host of In the Middle of It Podcast, where she provides fresh ideas, strategies, and resources for middle school parents and teachers. 

Amy has a passion for supporting those on the front lines with teens. During her time as a middle school teacher, Amy was featured in The Washington Post and Kiplinger’s Personal Finance Magazine and served as a teacher-leader for Congresslink.org. 

In the years following her time in the classroom, Amy has enjoyed being a leader to several small groups of middle school girls in her church. Amy currently lives in the Dallas area with her husband, two teens, and two dogs. 

When she’s not working on her podcast, you can find her listening to U2, watching Gilmore Girls for the millionth time, or hanging out on the patio with her guy. Unless she’s hiding so she can finish that Young Adult novel she’s reading – then, you’ll never find her. 

Hello, Amy, and welcome to the podcast.

 

Amy Kelly: Hi. Thanks for having me. I'm excited.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I'm excited too. So, Amy and I connected through a friend, and as we were chatting before this call, we have a lot in common and we a lot of-- Our paths cross in what we talk about, and so we thought it would be a really great collaboration for her to come on my podcast – and for me to go on her podcast. 

So, first of all, Amy – why don't you tell my audience a little bit about you, what you do, and your journey to get here?

 

Amy Kelly: Sure. Okay. So, I have a podcast called In the Middle of It, where I help teachers and parents of middle schoolers; and I offer resources and ideas and ways to connect. 

And I would say my special sauce is really through Young Adult books because I've been a reader all my life, and I still as an adult really enjoy Young Adult books. So, I talk about those a lot. But my journey here has been long, I would say; I was a middle school teacher before I had my own kiddos – and I stayed home with them, and they are actually 18 and 20 now… so, not so little anymore. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Wow.

 

Amy Kelly: Yeah, they're older kids. But throughout my time at home with them, I have kept my hands in the 'middle school' side of things, whether it's been helping with conferences for middle school girls – or I've done a lot of volunteering with my church as far as the leading groups of middle school girls and that kind of thing. 

And the way the podcast started is when my own daughter was 13, we watched 13 Reasons Why together on Netflix; and I am very informed as far as Young Adult literature and things like that. And I had actually not read 13 Reasons Why, the book. 

So, we went into it and got into about the third or fourth episode, and I was kind of gobsmacked by all of the very serious intense issues and things that were being portrayed and felt completely unprepared and had this moment of, 'Oh my gosh, do we stop watching it?' 

But I knew my daughter, and I knew that that would be so very frustrating for her. And anyway, we finished the series; and it ended up being a really great conversation-starter for a lot of things for she and I. 

And I thought about it afterwards, and I thought, 'You know, if I – someone who considers myself very informed… like I said before, about Young Adult literature – felt this way watching this with my daughter, how many other parents out there have felt that way? 

And so, I really just decided I wanted to be a resource so that no other parents would feel that way when confronted with something like that. And that led into this great journey that I've taken with the support of several friends – many of whom are counselors and other educators and things like that. 

And really, just exploring what it means to parent and teach middle schoolers, because it's a unique age.

 

How Amy Kelly helps parents boost connection & communication with their teens and tweens

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. So, how do you-- How do you help people now? What is it that you do for them? Like that journey that you said you kind of went on and you said, "I really felt called to help other parents and other educators go through this," how do you do that now?

 

The four pillars

Amy Kelly: So really, I work with a foundation of four different pillars that are all interconnected.

 

1. Helping parents and teachers understand they need to work on themselves first

One is helping parents and teachers understand that we have to manage ourselves first before we can really work effectively with our teens. 

 

2. Get to know our teens and tweens well

And secondly, really knowing our teens well. One question that I get a lot, especially with reading is, "Well, is my child old enough to read [fill in the blank here with a book]" 

And my answer to that is always like, I can't tell you that; you have to know where your kid is in their development and their maturity level, and all those things." 

 

3. Developing your toolkit of resources

And then also just developing your toolkit of resources, different strategies that you can use and really understanding where our middle schoolers are developmentally. 

 

4. Really honing your communication with your teens and tweens

And then, the last one is really honing your communication with your teens; figuring out when the best time is to talk to them, and just really having a lot of different ways to communicate with them. Because, I know you have four kiddos – right, Crystal?

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah, I do.

 

Amy Kelly: So, I'm sure you can attest to the fact that what works one day, might not work the next. And so, really being able to be fluid and flexible in communicating with your kiddos.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes. I love that. So, number one that you said – your number one pillar – that is what my entire program for moms is based on, is like, if we do that work ourselves, we are so much better equipped that it naturally flows. 

Like those answers, like you said, it changes every day, right? But we will be able to create those answers from ourselves without having to ask other people about what we should do. 

 

Amy Kelly: Absolutely. Absolutely. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I love that.

 

Generous listening and how it differs from active listening

Crystal The Parenting Coach: And I love what you talked about connection and communication. So, I'd love to hear a little bit more about connecting with teens. So, in what ways and kind of practical ways would you tell parents or educators to connect with their teens? Like if they're kind of struggling with that, what advice would you give them?

 

Amy Kelly: So, I would say, number one, we hear a lot about Active Listening, and that is great – but I like to take things a step further and call it generous listening, where it's not just; listening to understand and not respond – and using good non-verbal communication like eye contact and nodding, and all those things, and withholding judgment. 

I think generous listening goes the step further to really assume the best, and to listen to your teen and try to understand what's going on underneath. I think that's what generous listening is for me. 

So, I feel like our teens aren't always equipped to identify exactly what's going on in their head, and articulate it. So, it's kind of like a tangled stew or ball of string. And so, really helping them-- Listening so that you can help them understand what is going on in their head, and why do they feel this way; and really trying to understand that.

 

Separating what is going on with us and what is going on with our teens and tweens to up our communication skills

Amy Kelly: And I think for me, and I don't know about other moms, I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that it's similar, but sometimes it's really hard to separate my feelings when I'm interacting with my teens from looking at them and understanding what's going on with them. 

Because a lot of times; it can look like an attack or it can look like resistance – or it can look like defiance, even, I would say – you know, if we're thinking back to when our kids were younger, and especially at the beginning stages of middle school when they're really in this transition of that's really healthy of pushing back and trying to figure out their own identities, which is what middle school is all about.

One thing that I talk about continuously because it's such, for me, a vivid picture that is a good reminder; is that if you think about a baby and all of the growth and change and maturing and everything that goes on between birth and three years old – in your brain, in your body – that is the same kind of change that our middle schools are going through. 

And it starts at different times, just the same way that our kids started walking, talking, rolling over; all of those milestones happen at different points in time. That's not going to be uniform for everyone, but it is the same kind of change that our middle schoolers are going through. And when I can hold onto that and remember that, it gives me a much greater measure of patience and understanding and curiosity really for where my kids are.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes. Oh, 100%. I tell people that all the time. I always say, "Did you know that the same changes that happened in toddlerhood are happening again right now?" 

Like, it's easier to tell when they're little and they're stumbling and they're not walking yet, and all of those things; but it's harder to tell when they're stumbling as a teen and tween. And I love--  

I call it going to compassionate curiosity, but that idea of like, 'Okay, how can I kind of figure out what's going on here, but also show up in like an understanding and loving and compassionate way?' 

And like you said, it's so hard to separate my feelings from what's going on with them. One of the most common phrases I hear is, 'You're disrespecting me' or 'You're being disrespectful'.

 

Amy Kelly: Oh. Okay. I'm going to jump in on that one.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah, definitely.

 

Amy Kelly: For sure. For sure. And first of all, I love – what was it that you said – Compassionate Curiosity. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Curiosity. 

 

Amy Kelly: That is fantastic. I love that. So, one of the things, I actually-- I teach a class a couple times a month at my church for moms of teens. And that is one of the things we just talked about, which is as far as respect is concerned, our need for respect is not our teens job to fulfill. 

Like, it is not their job to fulfill our need for respect, right? So, as adults, we need to recognize that they cannot fulfill that need in us. And that is hard to remember, especially if you've been parented yourself in a way where respect was such a huge deal, and it's really easy to kind of get your backup if you feel like your teens are not being "respectful to you". 

But I would say being able to step back and realize my job with my teen is to teach them to be respectful human beings. And so, if they are not meeting that in their interactions with me, then it's not about they disrespected me. 

It's about, 'Oh, okay, they are not demonstrating respect – I need to make sure they actually know how to do that and when it's appropriate.' And teach them that it's not about me, it's about helping them become the best versions of them that they can be.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes, exactly. And I think in that moment, sometimes we're like, 'Well, now I need to teach them this.' But if you're thinking, you know, 'My teen's disrespecting me,' and you're feeling really frustrated, and then you're also thinking, 'Okay, now I need to teach them a lesson here'; like that conversation (A) will not go well – and (B) when you're in your high emotional brain, you’re low on logic. 

So, there's not going to be that-- That communication piece that we talked about earlier is not going to happen in that kind of a situation.

 

Amy Kelly: Absolutely. Absolutely. And I'm glad that you're bringing this up because I feel like that is something that it's easy to forget as a parent, that we don't have to do that teaching and that parenting in the moment. It is okay.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: No, I think oftentimes we shouldn't. 

 

Amy Kelly: Oh, yes, absolutely. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Should never do it in the moment.

 

Amy Kelly: It is more than okay to take a break and a pause. In fact, I was just thinking like, a lot of times I put myself in timeout--

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I always do, I'm all about giving mom timeouts instead of kids timeouts, because often it's just the circling back to the conversation. Like, we can circle back to that. Right? We don't need to try to like prove our point right now; and when we do, we're not going to. Like, it's just we're going to have less influence in that moment.

 

Amy Kelly: Right. Well, and I think this circles back to that pillar that I talked about, knowing your teen; and I think talking to them and having those teaching moments needs to be at a time when they're most receptive. 

So, for me, unfortunately, sometimes my teens – and with both of them, it's turned out this way – the time they're most receptive is usually bedtime, which remember is like 11:30, which is exactly when I am like, you know, down for the count. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. 

 

Amy Kelly: And so, really making sure I'm taking care of myself during the day to be available for those late-night moments, that's super important. And then, also, I would say for my kids, a lot of times doing things where we're not face-to-face. So, whether it's getting in the car and driving somewhere – or working on dinner together – or, you know, something where we're parallel, we're side by side and not face-to-face. Somehow, that just kind of pulls the plug and they just spill, which is exciting when it happens – not that I express the excitement because that would kill the moment.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: You’d be like, 'Oh, great, thank you for opening up.' 

 

Amy Kelly: Yay! Oh, yay! 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I love that.

 

Amy Kelly: Can't be too excited. Can't be too excited.

 

How to use the power of story to increase communication

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Okay. So, I know that you talk a lot about connecting with teens not only through communication, but also through books and literature. So, going back to your story about watching that series together, how it opened up communication with your teen, tell us a little bit more about that and then more about how we can do that as well.

 

Amy Kelly: Sure, sure. So, what I have found is that using fiction books – and then, also, I'm kind of expanding that right now, actually, to just story, in general – really opens the door to talking to our kids about hot topic issues that might be difficult to discuss, like to just bring up out of nowhere. 

And especially as our teens get older, having these conversations when they're in middle school about fictional characters and fictional events and things like that really lays the groundwork to talk about big issues later on. So, for instance, I have a free resource that's called Questions for Any Book, which I am happy to share with your audience if you’d like share.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah, I want that personally.

 

Amy Kelly: Okay, good. Well, and the way that I've structured it is, you know, you want to start off with the easy questions, like, 'What did you think about that?' And, you know, 'What did you think about that character?' 

And then, if they seem open to talking in that moment, then there is another layer of questions that you can dive into. Like, have you ever experienced anything like that? Or has one of your friends ever experienced anything like that? Or, what was it like for you--  

As a parent, if you know that they experienced had something, for instance, like friend drama or something like that; like, what happened in the book or the movie or whatever, how did that compare to your own experience? 

So, really being able to use the story as a backdrop to dig in and ask the questions about harder things to talk about, whether it's-- In the case of the show that I was talking about, those things like suicide, sexual assault, drinking and drugs – like really, really hard topics where I think it's easy to sound like an 'afterschool special'.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. If you're like, 'Hey, let's sit down and talk about drugs right now.' 

 

Amy Kelly: Right. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: They're going to be like really open to that conversation. I love how this opens up the conversation in such a natural way.

 

Amy Kelly: Right. And for me, there were some shows that we held off on letting our kids watch when they were younger. And so, opening the door to that, even when it seems really scary, to shows that have those harder topics in them – as long as we were watching them together, I think it was kind of a win-win, I think, because our kids were getting to watch things that were kind of off our list before… that maybe their friends and peers were watching. 

And then I was able-- My husband was able to use those moments to talk about those bigger issues. So, it just opened the conversation. I can't emphasize enough, like laying the foundation of being able to talk about anything; and there's nothing that's off the table.

One question that really helped me – a friend of mine that has older kids asked me this, was; when there are things that you are not letting your kids watch or read or do or whatever, really think about, what are you protecting them from? And there could be a really good answer to that. You could be protecting their innocence. There's all kinds of things you could be protecting them from, but make sure you have a good answer for that.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. Okay. So, we're almost running out of time, but I would love to ask you-- I love this whole concept. I love being-- I love thinking about, you know, having them openly communicate with us. 

But I'm just imagining the moms that are sitting there thinking, 'Okay, that might work for their kids because they already have a good relationship with their kids and their kids communicate; but when I try to talk to my teen or tween, son or daughter, they do not want to open up to me – they just nod their head or they walk off, or… this won't work for me.' What would you tell them?

 

Amy Kelly: I would just say, be persistent in it and don't get upset or anxious when it doesn't happen in the moment for you. Because I think as long as you keep trying to, you know, knocking lightly on the door, I think you're planting the seeds for your kids to know that you're open to talking about things. 

And sometimes, it may be you telling them what you think about the book or the movie or whatever; and that's laying the foundation of, 'Oh, okay, maybe my mom is okay to, I can talk to her about this subject that maybe I didn't think I could talk to her about before.' 

I think, with my kids, I think they were often surprised that what they thought I thought about things was very different than what I actually thought about things, does that make sense?

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes.

 

Amy Kelly: They have that idea in their head of, 'Oh my gosh, like my mom is going to freak out about whatever.' I would say that is another point that I would love to throw in there with the question that you just asked, which is; it's really easy to freak out, but I think we don't understand the long-term consequences that that can have. 

So, if you can, and I know you do a lot of this work with the Thought Model that you talk about with your thoughts lead to feelings, and all that kind of thing. If you can stop in the moment, stop yourself and take a couple of deep breaths when you're maybe hit into fight, flight, or freeze mode – and not react, that's going to let your teens know that you're that safe space.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes.

 

Amy Kelly: So, 'Mom is not going to freak out if I talk to her about this, mom is not going to clamp down or, you know, there's not going to be the backlash.' And that's not to say that there doesn't need to be conversations and, you know, teaching even discipline – and, you know, in extreme cases.

But I just think really knowing your teen, knowing when their window is; and trying to hit them in those windows and with conversations, is helpful. And then, also I would say-- And this is why I'm expanding just from YA books, I think stories are everywhere.

And so, if you have a teen boy who finds story compelling in video games, then dig into that with them, meet them where they are, and talk about the story of the video game. If they're into music, lyrics are often just really concise, quick stories that are emotionally compelling. If your kid is into music, figure out what they like

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Or like current events, like what's happening in the world right now, they're hearing that all the time.

 

Amy Kelly: Exactly. Right. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: So much story. 

 

Amy Kelly:  I think that, that is my big message. Like, it's our job as parents to figure out where they are and how to meet them there and when is going to be the best time for them to open up; and then being okay if they don't, and just trying again the next time.

 

Creating open communication with our teens

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. I think all of those are such good ideas because I think when you talked about 'knocking softly on the door', I was imagining like, there's some times where I've been like, 'let me knock really hard here so that you can hear'; and that totally shuts them down from that open communication. 

And also, if they do decide to open up, if then we decide to start knocking really loudly, like we're like, 'This is a big deal.' Like you talked about the Thought Model, but if I'm thinking--  

I've thought that before when I'm talking to my kids, like, 'Oh, this is a big deal,' then I show up at a totally different energy, which then totally shuts the conversation down. 

But if I'm able to take a deep breath or even not respond in that moment, like come back to it later and be like, 'Hey, you know, when you opened up to me before, I wasn't an in a great head space or I was really tired or whatever, but I would love to have that conversation – like, when's a good time for you?'

 

Amy Kelly: Absolutely. Absolutely. And, I do want to add this to it; my branding, I call myself The Ish Girl, and that means one who has humorous grace with herself when realizing she's messed up or flaked out again.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I love that.

 

Amy Kelly: And so, I'm throwing that in here as we kind of close our conversation because I just want everyone to understand, like; have compassion with yourself because the things that we've talked about just now during our time together today, this is not where we live every day. 

You're going to flip out at your teen. You are going to get freaked out and communicated. And I think for me, one of the strongest things has been remembering that it's not about not messing up – and I talk to my kids about this too – it is not about not messing up. We're all going to mess up. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Always. Yeah.

 

Amy Kelly: Yeah. We're all going to fly off the handle; it's all about how we come back together. It's all about apologizing and reconciling, at the end of the day.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I love that. Number one, compassion. And number two, it's about how we reconcile, how we come back together. I call that reconnecting, but yes, we're always going to disconnect. Like we're not always going to be able to show up in the way that we want. 

But if we can take the time to just take that deep breath, resettle into ourselves, have compassion for us, and then head back in and reconnect in that moment – then we're teaching them exactly what to do when that happens again to them or to us. 

 

Amy Kelly: Exactly.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: It's like, that really is the thing. Like, we want to mess up – like, mess up and you're fine, it's good.

 

Amy Kelly: Well, and that's true. That's really true. I would say wanting our kids to mess up while they're with us – and especially at the middle school level when there's not a whole lot of long-term consequence, if you think about it. 

Like if you mess up in high school, that's on your transcript or, you know, whatever – in college, they're outside of your house, and can't necessarily have the good conversations. So, really wanting them to mess up and being super comfortable with that is a great place to live.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. People are going to be listening and being like, 'Wait, you're telling me that I can mess up and my kids can mess up the end?' I'm like, 'Yes, it's fine.' And then, love yourself and then reconnect.

 

Amy Kelly: Yes. Yes, for sure.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Okay, so this has been such a great conversation. I am definitely going to go download that booklist idea – not the booklist, but the book questions. I'm excited to dig into that. I love reading aloud as a family; I've been doing it for ages, so I'm excited for that.

 

How to connect with Amy Kelly

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Can you tell us a little bit about where to connect with you if anyone wants to connect with you after listening to your conversation today?

 

Amy Kelly: Sure, sure. So, my podcast is called In the Middle of It with Amy Kelly. So, you can definitely find me there wherever you listen to podcasts. And then my website is theishgirl.com. I'm on Instagram @theishgirlreads, and on Facebook at facebook.com/theishgirl.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I love it. The Ish Girl, we'll all know what that means now. Thank you so much for coming on, Amy.

 

Amy Kelly: Oh, this has been great. Thank you so much for having me. I really enjoyed this. I enjoy your podcast as well. I've been listening to several episodes, and just--  

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Awesome. 

 

Amy Kelly: -nodding my head, 'Yes, yes.' So good, so good.

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Thank you. I hope you enjoyed today's episode. Make sure that you give it Five Stars on Apple, and check out my monthly membership for moms in the show notes.