How do you balance kids’ natural curiosity and imaginative play with the constantly evolving tech and screens? When is too early, or too late to give your teen or tween a smartphone? We dig into this important and necessary conversation today on the podcast with Andrea Davis from Better Screen Time.
Andrea is a former secondary ed teacher turned screen-time-navigator. She is the founder of Better Screen Time where she shares family-tested ideas from the (tech) trenches as a mom of five. She is on a mission to help parents take the slow tech road.
In this episode:
- Teaching smart screen use to your teens and tweens in a healthy way, without shame or fear
- How modelling our own tech use makes a difference in theirs
- Using your intuition when it comes to slow tech in your home, your plan doesn’t have to look like others
- How to know if your tweens or teens are ready for a smartphone
- Building your child’s internal filter, so you don’t have to rely so heavily on external ones.
Links to connect with Andrea:
IG: @betterscreentime
Am I ready? Self-evaluation HERE
Better screentime goal templates HERE
www.betterscreentime.com
----
Intuitive Journaling Prompts HERE and a somatic meditation (Move through frustration in 15 minutes or less) HERE
Get started on this work with daily practice in a journal (a great intro to mental and emotional wellness) HERE
Work with Crystal 1:1: www.coachcrystal.ca/miracle or in group: www.coachcrystal.ca/creationroom
Grab your copy of Crystal’s feelings wheel here: www.coachcrystal.ca/wheel
Full Transcript
This transcript has been created to provide a text-based version of the podcast episode for accessibility and convenience. While effort has been made to ensure its accuracy, it may contain errors or omissions. Please note that the exact words and intended meaning of the speaker(s) are best understood by listening to the original audio recording.
To experience the full conversation in its authentic form, please listen to the episode directly on your preferred podcast platform.
Introduction to the Episode
Crystal: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Parenting Coach Podcast with Crystal. Over seven years ago, I felt like I was stuck in this cycle of yelling and reactivity in my parenting that I did not want to be in, but I didn't know how to get out of. I knew how I wanted to parent pretty much exactly, and I'd spent hours reading books, but not finding a way to show up how I wanted to.
That's when I started to turn inwards. My own inward journey was what my family needed. As I changed, everything around me changed. My kids’ meltdowns decreased by 90 percent or more with no medications or therapy. I stopped yelling, sibling fighting became almost entirely non-existent, and I found that this change flowed into other areas of my life too.
My intuition increased. I started to run my life and business in a very different way. If this sounds like something you want too, I can help. Join me each week as I share my journey, including the laughter, fun, hard times, and tears. Tune in for support, guidance, and fun conversations every week. with my favorite experts and really anything else that interests me too.
Hello everyone and welcome to the podcast. I'm [00:01:00] excited for today's interview because I have been waiting patiently to get Andrea on the podcast for a while, but she is very busy. So it's taken a long time. And this is one of the topics that I have brought to the podcast in the past before, but I think today's interview is going to be quite different and quite interesting.
And I think you'll really enjoy it, especially if you have a teenager or a tween. And you're not quite sure what to do about tech in your home and all of the changing technology that I'm sure will continue to change. So welcome, Andrea Davis. She's better screen time on Instagram. And do you want to introduce yourself a little bit and also like how you got to doing this?
Andrea’s Story: How Better Screen Time Began
Andrea: Yeah, so I'm Andrea Davis. I am the founder of better screen time. And we have five kids. So our oldest is 20. Our youngest is 10, four girls, one boy. We're in a beautiful little place called the Hood River, Oregon, where we love spending time outdoors. And my husband is a software engineer and I do this. I [00:02:00] help parents with screens and taking the slow tech road.
And this journey really started about, let's see, like eight years ago, our family moved from Illinois to Oregon, where we now live in our oldest home. was 12 at the time. And we handed over a smartphone to her, just purely for communication purposes. That was our thought. And we thought she can let us know where to get off the bus.
If she needs to know where to get off the bus in this place where we don't know anyone and her friends back in Illinois, we're starting to get phones. And so we thought this is a way for her to stay in touch with these friends that we're leaving behind in middle school, which is not fun for any middle school girl.
But it didn't take long for us to realize that, that we really had made a mistake. I remember her coming home from school one day, and she sat down at the kitchen table to have her after school snack. And she was spooning cereal into her mouth with one hand like [00:03:00] this, and then she was doing this with the other hand.
She was scrolling and not talking to me. And it was one of those moments where I was like, where did my kid go? And, A few months after that, I was scrolling on my own phone in the kitchen and I came across a post from her and she was lip syncing the words to a song and she was singing about a Glock and she had her hand to her head and in the shape of a gun like this and that mentally pulled a trigger inside of me and I realized we had given her too much too soon and even though she was like the ultimate oldest child and super responsible, we hadn't prepared her, we hadn't prepared ourselves.
Nor did we really fully understand this tool that we were giving to her. So we went back to a brick phone. There were many tears. It was really hard. This was kind of the era when people weren't talking about this so much, and there wasn't as much research and conversation about what to do about the [00:04:00] technology.
And, but it was one of the smartest things my husband and I have ever done. And so it was really at that point that I realized that I could use My background in secondary education and teach parents so that they could avoid this. heartache that we were going through, but also just to help everyone, you know, prevent that and to make better choices, but also so they could know that they could take a step back.
Because I think so many parents feel like, well, I've already messed up. it's too late for us. and I guess because of my background in education and understanding what I know about adolescents, I'm like, no way. Like this is such a critical stage when These choices make such a big difference for them and so if we have to take a step back so that they can develop properly, and we can develop a strong relationship with them, so worth it as hard as it is so that was when I started better screen [00:05:00] time.
The Mistake of Giving a Smartphone Too Soon
Crystal: Okay, so you took her cell phone away. Did you say you're a different phone or what did you do?
Andrea: A brick phone, like, you know, I mean, it wasn't a flip phone, but it was just the kind that looks like a brick. Okay. So she could still text, but it was not a smartphone. This is again, the era before there were any simplified starter phones like we have now.
Crystal: Yes. Gab and pinwheel and stuff. Yeah, exactly. So, so you switched it. And what did you notice when you did switch that also? And how did she take it? I feel like that's a tricky thing. Like once you've already given it and then you're like, actually not doing this anymore.
The Impact of Early Tech Exposure on Kids
Andrea: Yeah, well, I think Part of it was just me fessing up to messing up and like telling her, I'm sorry, this was, this is not your fault.
This was our fault that we gave you too much too soon. We didn't prepare you. So I think that's an important step. And when we did do that, but yeah, she [00:06:00] was, I'll never forget sitting in the kitchen and she's sitting at the kitchen table and just tears coming down her face. And again, I was like, this isn't your fault.
This is just, we need to start over again. And so initially it was really hard. It was hard. on our relationship. Again, I think kids, especially at that age, they feel like, Oh, well, my parents don't trust me. And, again, then this was just a conversation of, no, it's just that this is really powerful tool.
And it wasn't built properly for your age, you know, and it also, requires a lot of preparation. And so. I think that was the attitude we tried to take into this was like, this doesn't mean you're never going to have access to a phone again, because she did eventually get a smartphone, but it's just, let's take time as a family to prepare ourselves so that we can make a better decision next time.
Balancing Screen Use: Avoiding the All-or-Nothing Approach
Crystal: Yeah, [00:07:00] and it reminds me of, have you read the book Stolen Focus? Yeah. Author's name. huh. The part where he talks about how like, it's not just an individual thing. I think sometimes like even us with our own screen use, we're just like, Oh, I'm on it again. And I spent so long and like, we feel kind of bad about ourselves.
But he like brings into this idea of like, it's actually this huger issue, right? It's actually these corporations that are like, they're trying, they're vying for your time. They make money off of your time. Like you are the product of this thing. thing. And it's not just a you problem. And so it's easy for us to think like, Oh, I really messed up.
I gave my kids this thing, but like, really, like there's so much more going on. Like it's not us as parents, it's not on the kid, you know, as it being a problem, it's, there's so much, it's so much more of a complex issue. And I like the idea of like, we just need to prepare ourselves. I think that sometimes when I talk to people about this, they're just like, well, you're just going to hide in Iraq, never have a TV, never teach your kids tech in this tech world.
Like they need to be prepared. And I actually, I had [00:08:00] an interview like a few years ago where I talked about this kind of topic. And I think I talked, I quoted from a software engineer that I was friends with. which is why I thought it was interesting. Your husband is, and I kind of asked him about this and he actually grew up in like an off grid home.
And, he didn't have a computer or the internet until he was about 17. And he actually thinks that the reason why he's so good at his job, cause he's like the, I don't know, the leader, the COO or CEO or something like that of his, that this big company in Canada, that it was because he didn't have screened so learned how to solve problems in all these other ways.
Andrea: Totally. That's definitely my husband and I's philosophy. Like he did grow up with a computer, but it's fascinating. His dad is a humanities professor. His dad always made him solve some math problems on the computer before they could play any games on it. And so the computer was programmed that way, like his dad had programmed it.
So my husband [00:09:00] had to solve all these math program problems. And once he got past us, then he could play some games. But, you know, the thing that my husband and I always talk about is that era, you know, initially the internet didn't even exist. So he's like, you had a computer game. You played it for 30 minutes.
And then after a while, like you got bored, there were no, there weren't all of these other things waiting on the other side in that persuasive design where you could, the game was never ending or you could buy new skins or whatever those things were. And so he talks about that a lot when people ask him about, you know, video gaming and that kind of thing.
It's a different world. And also like his parents didn't. Have a gaming console and I grew up without one as well and we both really feel and believe that there's so many critical thinking skills and, life skills that you just can never learn on a screen that need to come first and then totally like.
And [00:10:00] the screens today are so intuitive, like kids pick up on it so quickly.
Crystal: they're not going to be like stunted if they don't see an iPhone until they're 17 or something like they will be able to figure it out. but I think that the, often the conversation goes to like all or nothing, like either you have to give your kids like everything.
When they want it all at once, like, and like, yeah, you can do some parental controls, but like, there's only so much the parental controls can really do or like nothing of it. Like, okay, well now we'll have no technology and you'll never learn and whatever. And I do think what you're saying about like, no, it's not a, no, it's a readiness.
It's a preparation of both the parents and the child. And I think the parents especially, I know you talk about this and I talk about this in parenting constantly, is that we model for our kids what we want to see. It doesn't have anything to do with what we say or do. Yes. And what we say, I mean, it's much more what we do.
How Parents Can Model Healthy Tech Habits
Andrea: Totally. Yeah, that's exactly right. And when we sat down with the, with our kids to [00:11:00] have these conversations and I'm like, okay, we're going to create a family tech plan so we can have some healthy boundaries. And I remember, you know, just trying to gather a lot of ideas from the kids, but I said, I'm, I am going to present a few non negotiables that based on research that I've read that will protect and help our family.
And I was like, one of those not taking screens into the bedrooms or the bathrooms. And the first thing that the kid said was like, well, mom, you take your screens into the bathroom. And I was like, all right. But of course, like there's these different areas of parenting. Right. And I feel like when your kids are little, you have the era of parenting where.
You kind of can get away with some things because they don't notice or they go to bed early or whatever. But we were starting to enter that phase where my oldest was in middle school and like they did notice and they were starting to pick up on things. and again, like our generation of parents, I mean, when I first started parenting, [00:12:00] I didn't have a smartphone.
So I was trying to figure those boundaries out as well, like what made sense. And so I told my kids, I'm like, okay, I promise you, I'm going to leave my laptop and my phone out of the bedroom and bathroom. And yeah, that was like over seven years ago and I've stuck with it. And it's been such a great thing in my own life, but the kids could see that like, okay, mom's serious.
Like she's going to model this too and not take her phone in a room. And yeah, it makes a huge difference.
The Role of Screens in Child Development
Crystal: Yeah, it really does. My screen journey happened so long ago. My kids were like really little. And I think one of them had gotten mad that I took the iPad away and had smashed it. And I was like, that is an expensive tool that you just And, I think it might've happened twice actually before we were like, we need to like read more stuff.
And like you said, there wasn't actually a lot of information out there. There was a couple articles, but the articles were we don't [00:13:00] really know. There hasn't been any longitudinal studies. It might be totally fine. Like people are probably overreacting. Yes. It's very minimal information.
There wasn't people talking about it on social media or anywhere else. And so the only book that I had found was reset your child's brain by one of my favorite Lee. Yeah. And we did her like she talks about like a reset and how to kind of test what's happening with your kids behavior and notice if it's affecting them.
And we noticed huge changes as we did that. And I, the same as you, I also took part of that. This is before I worked online. So this is, it was easy to do. I was like, Oh, I did check my email once. When I wake up and then before I go to bed and like, I'll just be off screens all day. Easy peasy. And it was so easy for me, which I think helped with the kids.
it gets trickier as their teens and as their friends are like trying to contact them and also as like, I'm working online. And so that balance can kind of be tricky. And I think that all or nothing approach. on both sides [00:14:00] of it has like fear and shame, right? Both sides are better shaming like, no, you have to let your kids have everything or like, or they're going to be left out or whatever.
But on the other side is like, you know, don't give them anything because they won't be able to figure it out. Yeah. Yeah. So how do you help people? Balance that or I guess in your home, but then also what you teach, how do you help this healthy balance of like, yes, we need to prepare them for a tech and screen future. But not too much too soon.
Andrea: Yeah. I mean, really the best examples come from my. my own story and my own experiences, because the part that I didn't share with you was we actually long ago, my husband was in grad school and our older two were just little. I had a really good friend who was this amazing reader.
And I asked her one day, I was like, Rachel, what did your parents do to instill this love of reading? And she said, Oh, we didn't have a TV growing up. And I was like, really? I was just so so fascinated. And so I went home and I told Tyler, I told my husband, [00:15:00] I'm like, what would you think if we just put the TV in the closet and we just use it like an appliance and we'll just pull it out when we need it.
And he's not a huge sports guy and he's super frugal. And so he was like totally on board. I know this would not happen in like some people's houses, but it, so we did. So we took our TV, our little TV. Wasn't anything nice and we just put it in the closet. And so we would pull it out when we had family movie night, we pull it out for the Olympics.
He even made like a homemade antenna out of cardboard so that we could get the Olympics when they would come on. And I actually have pictures of that, of like our family with the homemade antenna and like watching the Olympics. So that was like where I came from. very much because I grew up out in the country and I really did just want that lifestyle for my kids.
I have zero regrets about that, but essentially that's what happened is we then went through this chaotic time in our family where we had this unexpected move and [00:16:00] moved across the country. And then my oldest child was, you know, in middle school and this technology was just starting to become more pervasive and more mainstream.
And so we brought that in and then it was like, we were like, Oh, what have we done? Like, and so I think I had that realization that if I, as a parent who I feel like had been super conscientious, had made this mistake, it just was obvious to me how so many of us were rushing into technology.
And so I think just that contrast of my own story, I'm able to share that with parents and just say, Hey, look, like we have to have balance because our kids do need to learn And, I think as far as like this, those stair stepping, I remember, I'm a person of faith and I was just praying about it because I was like, I don't know what to do.
And I remember just seeing kind of these stair steps of this gradual process of [00:17:00] introducing like a phone. And. And it was like starting with just, you know, texting and talking. And then the very last thing was social media, which was like optional. And, you know, I started sharing that with parents and this was before there were any of the starter phones that made this more possible.
And I mean, Apple screen time didn't even exist when back in the day. And so I felt like I just kind of. was fortunate to foresee how we could gradually introduce this to our kids without throwing them, you know, into the deep end, not knowing how to swim. And, you know, I now have like a 17 year old daughter and 15 year old daughter.
They do have phones. They have very limited access on them, and they don't have social media, but like they can, text their bosses. They both work. They can interact with their friends, but they aren't caught up in the snares of Snapchat and those kinds of things. And so for me, [00:18:00] that's been, for our family, that's been a happy medium, but I think every, for every family, the journey will look different and each child is different, right? Like what each kid needs.
Crystal: It's not like one way just to like do it all. And I also, I love that in both anxious generation and, also in reset your child's brain, the focus isn't just like, let's take away all of this, but it's also like, what are we going to input? Right. So it's like a lot of like gross motor movement and spending time outdoors and creative play and like that.
And that is so much of what we're missing. It's not that like screens are just this like horrible thing that only, you know, suck our soul out. Like there's some beautiful stuff there. There's some inspiring content. There's so much good information. but I also think it's like, it's always like, But it's a balance of what are we taking away?
And I noticed in my own kiddos when they have had too much screens, I can tell immediately they're way less creative. They ask less questions. They're less curious. They say, I'm [00:19:00] bored. I'm bored. I don't know what to do. I never hear that in my home when we have a good balance of screens ever. It can be months.
And I will hear one of my kids say, I don't know what to do. And when we have too much screens, I can tell immediately. Cause they're like, I don't like, and then I'll like give them ideas and they're like, I don't want to do that. I don't want to do that. Like all these things that they usually love.
They're like, I don't want to do that either. Yeah, because it sounds
Andrea: Like work. Yeah. after you've been spoon fed on a screen, and it sounds like play sounds like work instead of sounding like fun to you. And it's crazy how that our brain is so malleable, you know, it's just so, and that's the trick with the screens.
And like, you know, you were talking earlier about how, you know, are people just panicking and. when the screens were coming onto play and early in, in like our parenting journey and iPads were becoming a thing, but the difference, the thing that people were getting wrong, because people [00:20:00] wanted to keep comparing it to the TV.
And it's just not like the TV, it's a completely different type of screen. It's interactive, which causes your brain to be a lot more stimulated. and then it's connected to the internet, which never sleeps. And so it's using, you know, it's using, and then it's using persuasive design on top of that.
So it never ends when it's also using something that's enticing you. So it's like, no wonder that our, if our kids, you know, are using that or having access to that, that nothing else really sounds fun to them because that's such easy entertainment for their brain.
Slow Tech: Preparing Kids Instead of Withholding Tech
Crystal: Right. Yeah, totally. And I think even like, screens back in the day, like I did grow up in a home with video games and TV and kind of like access to whatever TV.
And we did spend a lot of time, like I would be there for hours. Like that's what we did Saturday mornings was like, we would do TV and looking back on it. I'm like, Oh yeah. Like I was already kind of primed for that kind of a [00:21:00] thing for like the iPhone to come out and for me to be like, just spending hours on that also.
And, I like this concept of like slow tech. Like it's not that like I'm never going to have give this to my kids, but I'm going to prepare myself. I'm going to prepare my kids and we can like slowly introduce it as they're ready developmentally. And I think a lot of the problem and they talk about this in anxious generation also is it's just too much too soon.
And then also the lack of play, right? The lack of creative play, the lack of, he also talks about like the lack of risky play. Yes. We're often like overprotecting them. Well, he says overprotecting them in the outside world and underprotecting them in the virtual world. Exactly.
Andrea: Yeah. And there's a, he calls it an opportunity cost.
So there's the opportunity cost there of when kids are on a screen, then what are they not doing? You know, they're not playing. They're not right. Getting out there, riding their bike and skinning their knee. Like what are those lessons that our kids learn from that? They learn resilience. They learn grit.
They learn how to get back up. [00:22:00] And you just don't learn that in the virtual world. It's just not possible. And it's, you know, and you can't, like, it's hard to tell your kids that and teach them that. We just have to give them that opportunity. So if the screen's taking up all their time, they'll miss those lessons, really.
Crystal: Yeah. And I love that you said to like, it's going to look different in every home. I think it's very like intuitive and like what feels right for us and when. And so in our home we didn't do cell phones and it was fine. It worked out fine. I was just telling you before you press record, I was like actually moving my child into campus and in university and was like, Oh wait, he needs like a smartphone because he needs all these apps that he doesn't have.
He only got his phone. He was actually traveling to, Guatemala going on a trip by himself and he didn't have any device at all. And that was only like six months before this. So we'd got him like a pinwheel phone with a couple of things on it.
Andrea: That's what my 15 year old has. [00:23:00]
Crystal: Yeah. And it worked for, At least a little bit, but then there was some apps and things that he needed.
And it was just like, it was not working out. Yeah. So, anyway, so I'm like over that weekend, like trying to find him an iPhone, getting everything set up for him and stuff. And he had used mine and like, it's not like he was like, Screen deprived like he knew how to use these things and so it was a really smooth transition and one in which he just decided on his own that he wasn't interested in social media and he decided what he wanted to put on it and how much time he wanted to spend.
He made his own tech plan. He decided he wasn't going to spend any time after like 9 p. m. on it. He was, he made all these plans of like, for himself that I, that wasn't encouraged by me. and so different. And my 15 year old too got him a pinwheel and he was like, I don't want texting or calling. I don't want people to get a hold of me.
Cause then I have to like be available to them. So now he texts me, which is actually like super annoying. Now I have to respond to all of their texts, but I am, I am really grateful that [00:24:00] we've done the slow tech route because I really see the difference that it's made in them.
Andrea: And I will say, and gender can play into this too, like if people are listening and wondering because like I have a son that's eighth grade and never asked for a phone, you know, I mean, and again, just kids are all different, but in general, like, it was definitely a little harder with my girls as far as the social aspect and wanting to, you know, connect with people and fit in and asking for social media and those kinds of things for me, you know, and again, every family and kid is different, but you'll have different obstacles,
Crystal: For my boys it was like way more video gamey. They were like, not, they didn't care about social media, but they're like, let me play the switch all day. So, yeah, so I think it's that balance of like what works for my family and just knowing that like, it doesn't have to be physical. It doesn't have to be all or nothing like we can find something in the center where we're teaching them where they're learning, but we're also not impacting their childhood [00:25:00] and taking away that creativity and curiosity.
I also think that it's really important what we're modeling to our kids. And I know that you talk about that too. And that's some, that's a conversation I have with myself often because I do like do work in the evenings when my kids are in bed. And so then I'm like, okay, how do I balance this? What am I modeling?
Like, how can I run an online business and model healthy, a healthy relationship with tech instead of being consumed by it? So again, I think that's kind of an intuitive, like self process of like, restructuring things and setting your own boundaries. I love the one, I love what you shared about the no bedrooms, no bathroom, and like not having your laptop in there and, just yeah, great that.
Andrea: I was so glad that I came up with that boundary before I started a better screen time because I think, oh my goodness, had I not. I really think I would have come, become consumed by my work in my [00:26:00] bedroom because I am just naturally more of a workaholic. Like I, I like getting things done. I like it, you know, making things happen and keeping things moving.
And it just gave me the sanctuary. I call it my screen free sanctuary, but just the place where I can connect with a higher power. I can connect with my spouse. I can connect with myself, you know, journaling and just, you know, reading and, I think it's just really hard if we don't have a place like that in our home to, to separate from our screen.
Cause again, our work's tied to it. Our personal lives are tied to it. So again, it'll look different for every family, but having a place or some places in your home where the screens don't go really can protect your relationships. It protects your time, your health, so many things really.
Crystal: Yeah.
And I, I want to end on this one point that I saw you share where you were talking about what you feel like is kind of [00:27:00] missing from the information out there from the books out there. And that's believing your kids. And this is like one of my favorite things to talk about. So I would love for you to expound on that.
Like, why do you think it's important in the screen conversation? Why does that make sense? And why do we care about believing and trusting our kids?
Why We Need to Trust Our Kids
Andrea: Well, I remember when I started worrying and panicking about screens. See, after we went through these bad experiences with our daughter and we got, then we got her the brick phone because I am a teacher and a learner.
Then I started reading all the books. So like you, I read Reset Your Child's Brain, but The other book that I picked up that was really popular at the time was called I Gen and, Jean Twenge, people say her name differently, but she talks a lot, she was talking a lot about this up and coming generation and how they were just living life less.
And they were generally much more anxious and depressed because of the time they were spending [00:28:00] on devices. and there is a lot of research to prove that, that she has done as well as, you know, Jonathan Haidt and the Anxious Generation. not everyone buys that. Not everyone believes it. I think there are a lot of different factors contributing to it. But because I've been doing this for so long, and I've had so many conversations with parents and teens, I 100 percent believe that it's contributing to their anxiety and depression.
Crystal: I can, attest to that in my own kiddos.
Andrea: Yeah, for sure. And the work that you do, right. And it's just like, I mean, the evidence I have is anecdotal.
I don't have all the graphs and charts that, that Jonathan Haidt has, but I just, again, I've spent so much time in the side that I can see that's the reality. But when I started reading these books and I started having these conversations with my daughter, again, she's in middle school. She said, mom, I feel like adults today [00:29:00] just think our generation is doomed and that we're all just going to be glued to our phones and there's no hope for us.
And that just like broke my heart. And it was in that moment when I'm like, we need to do better as parents. Like we need to do better. Not only, yes, delaying the devices so that we don't have this conflict and so we're not robbing childhood, but there's a secondary part that has to be a part of this and it has to be trust that our kids are going to figure it out when the time is right and believe that their generation is not doomed because of technology or social media or whatever that is.
So I just, I feel like I was meant to have that conversation with my daughter early on because everything I share, better screen time, I always, you know, it's my hope that there is that thread of hope for our generation and everything that I share because this can become such a journey. [00:30:00] Judgmental, fear based conversation, and, I feel like, yeah, people, like you said, people oscillate between the two where it's like, just let them figure it out.
Give them all the tech, they're young adults, they'll figure it out, or just don't let them have anything. And I really do think that we can believe, we can delay, but we can also believe in our kids. That they will figure it out, but part of that is teaching them. So we can't just be like, well, yeah, I trust and believe in them, but we have to give them the tools and the guidance. And that's our job as parents, really.
Practical Steps for Parents
Crystal: And I would say this is true for any parenting problem you're ever going through, that if you believe your kids more, you believe them and believe in them and trust them, trust their experiences, trust their emotion, trust their perception of things, that it puts you in such a different energy to like collaborate.
together and to like help figure it out instead of like here [00:31:00] I am the expert like I'm the older person and I know what I'm doing and just listen to me right just listen to me and be obedient and don't question which is the kind of generation that has been in the past yeah I think it's so different but I think it's so beautiful that like our kids still I do believe that for them.
And I think that we can breathe beliefs into them. Even if they don't believe that for them, like the more we believe it, the more it will become true for them. And I've seen that happen for both good and bad beliefs that I've had for my kids that happen. And so I think it's a really beautiful add on to like, yeah, this can be a tricky and kind of complex conversation, but like you have the answers, you have intuition, you can figure it out.
And also as you believe and trust your kids, like you will come to the answers together and it will become more collaborative instead of like, I'm doing this to you.
Andrea: Yeah. And it's a process, right? I think too, we just, in our era, we want everything done [00:32:00] quickly and. I mean, that's why parental controls are such a quick answer for people when it comes to technology, and it's not that we shouldn't use them or, and have them help us, but like they can never replace parenting, they can never replace those conversations about building an internal filter, because this isn't, you know, building trust in our kids is a process, and I tell people.
It's a process. My kids all the time that it's like, it's not about, Oh, I don't trust you. It's we're, in a relationship and we're building trust over time together. And it's just not something that happens overnight as much as we wish it was.
Crystal: And I love that idea of internal filter. I think that I focus most of my energy and tension.
And intention on internal filters and so much so that I was like, wait, we, I don't even think we have any parental controls. Like we need to work on this. We have very open and honest conversations about screens and tech and pornography and like all the things that you find online. [00:33:00] and so, so much so that I wasn't even really, it wasn't something I was searching for.
And honestly, even when I was, I've never found anything that was like, just perfect and always worked in the way that I wanted it to. Yeah. I think that building their internal filter really is the most effective way because it's the only way that we'll be with them forever. It's not changing. For sure.
Exactly. I would love for you to share, you mentioned a couple of things that you kind of have that help support people in this journey. Can you share the things that you do to help support people and where they can find those? Yeah.
Resources & Where to Find Andrea
Andrea: We have a lot of free resources on our website, better screen time.com. But a couple of the favorite ones are, we have a download that's there's some goal templates. And basically it's just for us as parents where we can go through and think about different facets of our life. Like what is our early morning? What does our morning routine look like? What does our [00:34:00] Evening routine look like, how are we using technology and how are we, using or not using tech in our relationships?
And so basically what we did is we just put together some templates where you can just fill in, The blank of some goals that you want to set regarding technology for yourself. Cause just like we had, we talked about in this conversation, it starts with us as parents. So the templates are really simple where you can just say, okay, I'm going to, you know, start using the charging device by Sunday and I'm going to put my.
Phone in the charging station every night at 9 p. m. or whatever, you know, it's just something really simple like that. And I think that when it comes to technology, we can get really overwhelmed and bogged down where we just think, you know, it's just everywhere. I just use it all the time and give up on having boundaries.
But just these small changes really do make a big difference. And before you know it, then you've left your phone [00:35:00] out of your room for seven years and you have other things that you're working on. Like. One of the goals that I'm working on this year is just being more present and available in the evening.
So I have those evening hours when, yeah, it can be easy to like sneak in a work email or whatever that is. But, you know, when kids are packing lunches or we're cleaning up dinner or whatever, I just want to be more available and present. So for me, that is keeping my phone in the charging station during that time and keeping my laptop shut.
And if I can, like, do those two things, then I am. I'm just naturally more present. And I might be doing stuff. Like, I love Lisa D'Amour. She talks about, like, being a potted plant for our teens. So, like, maybe my teens don't want to necessarily interact with me at that point. But I'm like, Available and I'm there.
I'm like the plant in the room and so that's one of the goals I'm working on. So, you know, you can go and find our better screen time goal [00:36:00] templates. If that's if you're listening and you're like, yeah, I want to do better with some things and it just has tons of ideas so you can just pick one. And then another download that we have that a lot of parents love is called.
Am I ready for a personal device? And that comes in handy when you have a kid that starts asking for a phone. And maybe you even know that they're not ready, and you know that you're not going to give them one. But you want something more than just saying no. It's beautiful because it gives you a set of questions for your child to fill out, or your teenager.
And there's a set of questions for the parent. And it's for the kid, it's things like, you know, do I get up and get ready for school on my own? Do I do my homework without being asked? You know, my kind to my siblings, and they're all just things that really relate to responsibility and emotional maturity.
And as a parent, you know, do we have a family tech plan in place? Have I talked to my kids about online predators and pornography and all of those things? So it's just like a checkpoint where you can [00:37:00] realize. Yeah, no, we're not ready for this. And I wish that I would have had something like that. But also is so nice because I've heard from parents who've said this was so good for my kids because then now they kind of feel like, Oh, okay.
I see what it takes to be that kind of responsible of a person and only are using a phone is a big responsibility and it's a privilege now to write. And so. I remember one mom telling me, she was like, yeah, my 16 year old son printed it out. And like, he answered no on a lot of the questions and he put it on his wall in his bedroom.
And he was like, yeah, my mom, I'm not ready yet. And I'm like, I love that. I'm like, that is a sign of emotional maturity. He can say, I'm not ready. And like, if you have a kid that builds it out and they just like breeze through it and they're like, yeah, I do all these things. And you know that they don't, that's your sign.
Like they are not ready for a phone. They cannot. They don't have the emotional maturity to be honest on that self [00:38:00] evaluation and really look at their lives, then they will not be honest with you about a phone yet. And again, that's not a lack of personal integrity. That's just a lack of readiness and development.
Crystal: Yeah. Like it will come. And all the kids are different, which is why I love this readiness plan. Because if you take into account like neurodiversity, which our family deals with, like there's going to be Totally be different ages at what you're ready for. So totally. So that will help. And then also, on your Instagram, better screen time, lots of great information there all of the time.
So if you're interested in this conversation continuing, go find Andrea over on better screen time. thank you so much. for being here for sharing this and also just for doing what you do because I actually think it's like vitally important for us to be having these conversations and for us to be getting this information out in the world.
And so I'm grateful for people like you that feel passionate about it and share. And, so just keep, doing the good work. [00:39:00] Thank you. I need that.
Andrea: I appreciate you, Crystal.
Crystal: Thank you.
If you enjoyed this episode as much as I did, I would love for you to help spread the word by getting this message of support and guidance out to as many people as possible. So text it to your best friend or tag me on Instagram and share it. Leave a review, rate it, subscribe it, or follow on your favorite platform.
Send me a DM on IG letting me know which parts have impacted you or what you'd like to see on future episodes. We'll see you next week.
