S10|06 - Trust Your Kids

If I were to write a parenting book THIS would be my thesis. It’s one thing I find missing in the parenting sphere… what if we trusted our kids more? Why don’t we? What was our childhood around trusting ourselves, our body, our wisdom… and how is that playing out in our own parenting? Join me today in this workshop-style episode, where we’ll really get to the root of distrust, and learn why it’s integral for a wholesome childhood. 

In today’s episode: 

• I announce that The Parenting Coach Podcast, after 200+ episodes and over 100,000 downloads is retiring (and why) 
• We dig into trust in our own childhood, and what beliefs we might still be storing in our mind that block us from trusting our kids 
• Trust energy is much more than actions or words, and our children FEEL it 
• Our role in parenting, and what we can do to foster a healthy environment for our child-plant to grow. 

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The Art of Non-Attachment REPLAY HERE
Intuitive Journaling Prompts HERE and a somatic meditation (Move through frustration in 15 minutes or less) HERE
Get started on this work with daily practice in a journal (a great intro to mental and emotional wellness) HERE
Work with Crystal 1:1: www.coachcrystal.ca/miracle or in group: www.coachcrystal.ca/creationroom
Grab your copy of Crystal’s feelings wheel here: www.coachcrystal.ca/wheel 

Full Transcript

This transcript has been created to provide a text-based version of the podcast episode for accessibility and convenience. While effort has been made to ensure its accuracy, it may contain errors or omissions. Please note that the exact words and intended meaning of the speaker(s) are best understood by listening to the original audio recording.

To experience the full conversation in its authentic form, please listen to the episode directly on your preferred podcast platform.

Introduction and Personal Journey

Crystal: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Parenting Coach Podcast with Crystal. Over seven years ago, I felt like I was stuck in this cycle of yelling and reactivity in my parenting that I did not want to be in, but I didn't know how to get out of. I knew how I wanted to parent pretty much exactly, and I'd spent hours reading books, but not finding a way to show up how I wanted to.

That's when I started to turn inwards. My own inward journey was what my family needed. As I changed, everything around me changed. My kids' meltdowns decreased by 90 percent or more with no medications or therapy. I stopped yelling, sibling fighting became almost entirely non-existent, and I found that this change flowed into other areas of my life too.

My intuition increased. I started to run my life and business in a very different way. If this sounds like something you want too, I can help. Join me each week as I share my journey, including the laughter, fun, hard times, and tears. Tune in for support, guidance, and fun conversations with my favorite experts and really anything else that interests me too.

Announcement of the Podcast's Final Season

Hello everybody. Welcome to today's episode. My voice [00:01:00] is a little going because I have a little bit of a cold. It is also very cold outside right now as I record this for you. In my group program, the creation room this month, we've been working on wintering and just getting cozy and turning inward and saying no to more things and saying yes to more just cozy connection, inward connection with ourselves.

And so it feels very fitting that it's very cold outside and that I'm feeling a little bit under the weather to help me remember to rest and to get cozy too. So. Today's episode, I'm actually very excited about. It's something that I've talked about a little bit in the past, but I really want to dive deep on it.

All about trusting our kids. But before we get into that, I want to make an announcement. I know I've made lots of announcements over the years, but this one is pretty big. I have been doing my podcast next month. That will be four years. So four years in March, I started in March of 2021. I have over 200 [00:02:00] episodes.

I was trying to figure out the number and I couldn't figure it out because I do it in seasons, but it might even be close to two 50, over a hundred thousand downloads. it's been a top 1 percent global podcast. It has been such an amazing journey, but I am announcing that I am actually going to be retiring the podcast.

If you've been listening to me for the last while, specifically since the last year, I think I started kind of announcing some shifts and changes that were happening last February, that I have been feeling the call to kind of do something a little bit different. And I have been in my private practice.

I've been meeting with people more around the shame free non attachment stuff in every area of their life, not just parenting. And I know that parenting will always be a piece of the work that I do, but it definitely doesn't feel like the focus. Anymore. And if you've ever read the book, the big leap, he talks about zones of incompetence and competence and genius and excellence.

And as I was listening to that book and reading through stuff, I realized that parenting is something that really served [00:03:00] me for a long time. And I loved talking about it for a long time. And I'm so grateful for the opportunity. I had to talk to so many amazing people on this podcast. Like it really has been such a cool experience for me and a cool journey.

But I do feel the shift to close this down and to do something different. That feels a little bit more aligned with my zone of genius. So I will be sharing the changes that will happen, shortly as far as the direction of my business and what I'm going to do in the future. But for now, just know that this is the last season.

Can you believe it? The last season. I'm going to keep this up. I've been asked this a couple of times since I announced it. I'm going to keep this podcast up, which means you'll still be able to listen to it. You'll still be able to share it. You can refer to it. I'm still going to be referring to it when I send clients to different episodes.

Because I think it's just such a great resource with so many people. So many awesome parenting episodes. But if there's something really specific that you're like, you never talked about this, or I'd really love to hear your take on this, send me a message and I will [00:04:00] see if I can squeeze it in. it is definitely getting full quickly with some awesome experts coming in, but also some mono episodes like today.

So, keep that in mind, but thank you. Thank you for being here. And I do hope that a new podcast is in the future. And I will share about that as soon as I make some decisions around that. Okay. So, one of the cool things about knowing that this is the last season is how I decide to design the episodes.

I'm like, okay, what if it were me? And I really, wanted to make sure that I shared this one message. And if it was like the last season, what would I share? And all these cool ideas have been coming to me. And I would say that this is probably the most important one that has come. So I hope that you enjoy it as much as I do.

Also that is how I came up with the idea of the non rebellious teen, so you can go listen to that one. That one's a couple of weeks ago as well.

Importance of Trusting Children 

 So I was chatting with my son. He's off at college and we were talking about, trusting [00:05:00] ourselves and we were talking about things like sexuality. We were talking about our life purpose.

We like to talk about lots of deep things. And, he was talking about this lack of trust within people that it's so easy to not trust ourselves. And I said that if I were to write a book, now, well, for what I know about parenting, the book would absolutely be focused on trusting our kids more, but that is the number one thing that I think not only is missing in the way that we parent when we talk about connection and we talk about attachment, but also is missing in parenting in the world.  I think that we would love, I would love to see a world where we trust our children and we trust their wisdom or, and we trust that they have answers and we believe them and we believe in them. And from what I've seen in the lives of myself and my clients, that this, our kids turn out so beautifully when we have this concept.

And I think that a lot of, [00:06:00] parenting advice misses this piece. So if I were to write a book, it would solely be on trusting your kids more and believing in your kids, believing them. Okay. 

Workshop-Style Exercises for Parents

So this is going to be workshop style. So I would love for you to grab a pen, pause when you need to come back to my answers after you've paused.

Obviously you can't always do that if you're like, you know, on a, out on a jog or listening in the car or something, that's fine. But I would come back and listen to this. Part, start now at this, I think we're about five minutes in, so start at five minutes in and then go, and listen again. Okay. 

So first of all, I'm going to talk about what blocks us from our ability to trust our own children.

Discussion on Blind Obedience and Its Impact

The first thing that blocks us is blind obedience, right? So I want you to think about back in the olden days, back when we were being raised, any time before this kind of, the last couple of generations, I guess this generation, it was definitely don't question, right? Like how many times did your parents say, like, just because, or I'm the mom, so I get to [00:07:00] decide, or I'm the dad, so I know better.

Or like you even just gave you that look that was like, you're not allowed to question this. Right. So when we had that blind obedience of the past, we didn't question anything. And we, maybe we questioned internally, but we definitely didn't. Act on that. And over time, we probably learned to not question internally.

Also, it didn't give us the capacity or the space to ask us if it felt good, if it felt right, if it felt true, if it was fair, if I agreed with it, if it was aligned with my value system. I remember when I was little feeling this deep and just like loathing, almost unfairness. About so many things in my life.

There were so many pieces that I felt like were just not fair. And that I also didn't feel like I had any control over. I felt, definitely a sense of powerlessness. and I looking back on it now, I think, okay, so from those feelings and from what I was taught, [00:08:00] what did this actually teach me? For me, it was beliefs like I'm not to be trusted.

Others might have the answers for me in my life, but I don't, I should go along with someone else and what they say. And what they believe if they tell me that they know better, because they probably do know better. And this might not seem like an easy connection to make, but I want you to pause. This is the, this is a pausing workshop part where I want you to pause and just think about how your childhood was and not just how your parents parented you, but also how other adults responded to you.

This can be at church. This can be at school. This can be out and about in the community. Does any of this ring true to you? Do you feel like blind obedience was kind of how you were raised or what you saw in society? And the next question would be, once you kind of dive into like a little bit about what your childhood was like, the real question I want you to ask yourself is what beliefs do you think you might [00:09:00] still be holding?

What did the way that people related to you cause you to believe about yourself, about your purpose, about your value, about the world, anything like that. And I want you to pause and answer those questions for yourself. Really be truthful. I find that the more honest that I can be with these exercises, the more change happens for me.

Trusting Elders and Experts

Okay. Number two, I was often told like, trust your elders. And I don't even know if I was told that like overtly, or if it was just something that was embedded in society so much that I just knew that you were supposed to trust your elders. also trust experts, trust people that have PhDs, trust people that have a lot of experience in something, trust their knowledge, trust scientists, trust people that have more information.

Than what I had access to. And I want you to think about that again. Did that ring true for [00:10:00] you at all in your childhood? And again, what beliefs do you think you held on to either now or maybe you had in the past and what beliefs came from this idea for you? What do you believe about yourself because of how you were raised?

And are you holding on to even a little bit of this still? Because sometimes we're like, no, I don't feel that way anymore consciously. Right. But I like to ask myself, like, where is this? Not like, no, I'm not feeling this way, but where could this still be popping up in my life? That helps my subconscious mind kind of start digging around and looking for things.

Children Should Be Seen and Not Heard

All right. The next one, kids should be seen and not heard. This is one that I noticed in my own household that consciously I did not believe anymore when I was parenting, but unconsciously was still in my wheelhouse of beliefs. And it was actually one of the things that triggered me the most about my kids when they were quote unquote disobedient, was because I still was holding on this belief.[00:11:00]

I remember reading my kiddos. We love to read older books and we were reading the little house on the prairie series. I think it was, where this for sure came into play. Like they would ask a question or they would want something and they would immediately be like, no. Like the adults are talking, no, The adults are doing their thing. Like you just need to be quiet. You just need to sit in the corner. You just need to go do your own thing. we don't have time for you. We don't have capacity for you again. I want you to think about what beliefs came from that for you. If you felt that in any area of your life, whether it was from your own home or from another arena in your life when you were little, what beliefs do you think came from that?

I'll give you a few of the things that came up for me. I don't know me. I don't have the answers. others know me more than me. I'm not valued. My opinion doesn't have any worth or value. My ideas, beliefs, opinions don't matter, which [00:12:00] probably boils down to, I don't matter. Okay. Next question. Where is this showing up in your life now?

So now that you've kind of dissected a few of these beliefs that might be there still. I want you to think about where is this showing up in your life right now? So is it showing up in your marriage? Is it showing up in your parenting? Is it showing up in your business? Are there areas of your life where you can feel this distrust of self?

The Role of Parents in Creating a Supportive Environment

Okay. So why are we doing us first? Why is the whole first half of this episode about us and what's happening for us instead of talking about how we can trust our kids more? Because that is the answer. That is why the answer is I have to trust myself in order to give trust to my children. We can't give what we don't have first to give.

If I'm not holding a thing, I can't pass it to somebody else. I can pretend to, I can say the words like it's there, but everybody will know I'm not holding that thing. Because I'm not. [00:13:00] So you can say that you trust and believe your kids all day long, but it's really going to be hard to energetically do this unless you truly do.

And our kids are energy sensors. They're like tiny little energetic barometers. They totally know what's happening. I've shared the story in the past on the podcast, but I had a kiddo where I was like responding in the way that you're supposed to. And I was like looking in his eyes and I had my arm around him and I was listening and everything and it wasn't working. He was just like screaming and eventually threw his hand off and my hand off and walked out of the room. stormed out of the room. And I was so frustrated because I'm like, well, I am doing all the things that it says in all the parenting books. but tapping into what was really happening for me in my mind, I was thinking, this is ridiculous.

He shouldn't be doing this. He's too old for this. This isn't okay. there's probably a lot more under the surface then, but at that time I didn't know about under the surface beliefs about myself. So there was a lot going on and he energetically could sense it for sure that I was not aligned. I was not congruent with what I was saying.

And pretending that [00:14:00] as what I actually believed inside myself. So, when it comes to trusting our kids, we can say that we trust them. We can do the actions that look like we trust them, but we might not actually trust them. And sometimes we can kind of go overboard to where we're like being really permissive where we're really just allowing them to do everything.

Cause we're like, Oh, see, I trust you. but we're not actually, it's not coming from a feeling of trust. And we would probably respond quite differently if we actually felt that trust inside. So the work is on us first, like pretty much everything else. It's always on us first. Now what we usually see, I wish that I could say like, now this is done and everybody's just like in this lovely space of trusting their kids.

But, I was just reading the book, raising critical thinkers with Julie Bogart and she was talking about manipulative obedience. So manipulative obedience uses things like, You know, science or researcher, I'm going to show you why it is that I'm right. which doesn't actually leave them room to question [00:15:00] for themselves.

She says, dissent, it doesn't leave them space or energy to dissent because we're pretending like they have a choice, but we're not actually giving them a choice. We're pretending like we actually care about their opinion, but we're actually showing them all of the reasons why we don't care about their opinion.

You know, let me cite some research or read you a book or tell you why I'm actually right. Yeah. So like, yes, you can kind of decide for yourself, but also there's only one right answer. that's still coming from that energy of force of coercion. It's a false sense of choice. So let's leave this and enter like the parenting trust fall.

Can we trust that our kids have answers? Can we trust that our kids have unique wisdom, that they have their own unique path, that they're actually supposed to make mistakes in order to learn? Can we foster that? Can we celebrate that mistakes are part of their journey, just like they were part of our journey?

The Metaphor of Parenting as Gardening

I've used this metaphor before, but I love it. It's the metaphor of the plant, right? I'm the gardener. I'm not the plant. Maybe I didn't even get to decide what got planted. [00:16:00] I definitely don't get to decide how it grows. at what rate it grows, what it decides to do, what it decides to look like. But I think that I do, right?

I kind of overcompensate by thinking I have a lot more control over that plant than I really do. And there's not that you don't have control. There definitely is some, some parts of things that are in your power, right? As a gardener, think about the parts that would be in your power. It's the environment, water, maybe nutrients, maybe making sure it's in a space that's really sunny, maybe the quality of the soil. I get to create that energetic environment in order for it to flourish in the way and the timing that it needs to, but I don't get to decide how quickly it blooms or what happens with that plant.

I just get to watch it. so that kind of feels a little scary, like a parenting trust fall, but from what I've seen is that when we're able to trust our kids, trust their wisdom, their answers, their path, even that their mistakes are actually needed, that [00:17:00] they learn, that is the space for them to learn.

That is the space for them to trust themselves. In fact, just the other day, my one kiddo did not want to come do what we had decided to do. We were going to go share, a few people locally have been having, asking us to come share about our travels. So we were going to a senior's home and we were going to speak about our travels.

And one of my kids was like, Nope, not going. And I immediately, my brain went to force and control cause that's my natural go to. And I was like, okay, this is not going to work. So I just said, you know what? We already decided this. We already planned that months ago. We're going to leave in 10 minutes, just FYI.

And I was like, why don't you just kind of sit with yourself and see what you want to do? I don't even remember exactly how I said it, but I do remember his response. After a few minutes, he said, Oh mom, I asked my intuition. And my intuition says that we need to go. And I thought it was so cute. This has happened so many times with him because he's really starting to foster that.

Like what feels right for me and what doesn't. And yes, this turned out in a [00:18:00] beautiful way because he decided to come, but it doesn't always. I've had him do this before. We regularly attend church. I've had him do this before church. And there's sometimes where it's a no, and I trust that it's a no.

And I have him stay home. If he feels like it's a no for him that day, because we can't only trust them when they're making the quote unquote good choices. We can't decide that when they make a bad choice and we can't trust them because we want them to learn, or it might not even be a bad choice like in that situation.

Before church the other day, it was definitely the right answer for him that day because of how he was feeling emotionally and energetically, and he felt good about it. And I felt good about it. And when I came home, I still felt good about it. so be open to that. They might be more right than you think that they're going to be.

And also that even if they're not quote unquote, right, that it was exactly their path. It was still right. Because it was what they needed. This reminds me of a couple situations that I had one with myself and one with a client where two of my kids were arguing and I just got so [00:19:00] frustrated and I could see, feel myself get frustrated.

And I had said something unkind and I paused and I was like washing dishes. And I just started scrubbing the dishes really hard. And Did not say anything else. And all I did, not do anything at this time to like kind of change my response, change my energy at all. this was well before, the work that I'm doing now.

And so I did nothing to change that energy. I just stopped myself. That's it. And I, like, kid you not, within 30 minutes, the kiddo that was kind of the perpetrator came back to the kiddo that wasn't. And was like, I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have done that. I was just feeling X, Y, Z. And that's why I responded that way and apologized, a beautiful apology.

And then came back to us, apologized and everything like just fluidly moved on. And my husband and I were in the car that night because we were going on a date. And I remember thinking, talking to him about this. And I thought if this was us years ago. And if I had blown up, I would have not allowed him the [00:20:00] space to move through that journey fluidly.

Like he did, I would have come in, I would have interrupted his learning pattern. I would have been like, you know, better, you shouldn't have done that. That's not okay. Right. All the things that we do as parents. And it would have blocked this being such a good experience for him to learn. And also for me, it was actually one of my main learning experiences of noticing that like children learn naturally.

I always knew this in education because I've been home educating for a long time. but really that children are natural learners with everything, including behavior. They learn naturally. And sometimes we kind of get in the way with our own opinions and ideas and block that natural learning. Another example I'll give is, a few years ago, I had a client who was trying, wanted to believe this.

She believed in education, but she did not believe that her kids would just naturally learn or that she could trust them to learn when it came to behavior. She felt like she really had to teach them and lecture them and talk to them about it and like, You know, use punishments and rewards and whatnot to teach them.

And so she was like, for a week, I'm just going to like, not do what I would normally do. And we'll come back and [00:21:00] see how it goes. So she does this for a week and she comes back and she said, one of her daughters, when she picked her up from some activity was just like so rude. So angsty. I was like one of her teenagers.

And she like went to go respond in the way she normally does, but she's like, I stopped myself and I just drove her home and I just went and did my own thing. And within an hour, she came up, she talked, she apologized. She talked about why she was feeling the way that she was. And it was this beautiful learning experience and connecting experience for both of them.

And she was like, that would have never happened if I had responded in the way that I typically do. So as we trust our children and trust that their mistakes are part of their journey, We actually allow them to learn. I think oftentimes we take away their learning. We don't want them to feel uncomfortable.

We want them to just listen. We don't want us to feel uncomfortable, right? And because of this, because of our inability to hold discomfort and feelings, we take away these beautiful opportunities.

Encouraging Children to Trust Their Intuition

 So, I think that our, Okay. [00:22:00] Kids have a really beautiful future when this is the way of parenting, when this is the way of the future.

We still guide, we still teach, not lecture. We love, we lead, we go first, we model. going back to that plant analogy, what are we in charge of? What would the environment be if I was in charge of the environment and I'm not in charge of the plant or its growth? That just happens on its own. What am I in charge of?

Am I connecting with my kids and with myself first? How was their sleep? How was their movement? How is their play? Do we have open conversations? How are screens affecting them? You can go back and listen to the episode that I did with Better Screen Time, Andrea Davis on this one also. But their environment is something that I actually can do something about.

And the number one thing I can do something about is my own energy. As I clean up my own energy, that's like cleaning up all of the [00:23:00] garbage and all the weeds that are in the garden and allowing it to grow. It's my work that I do that with first. So go forth, do your trust work on yourself first so that you can hold that gift for yourself and it can be a gift that you give to others.

Give your kids what you needed, right? Going back to the times where you just really wanted your parents to trust you and listen to you and take your opinion seriously, or wanted them to connect with you more or, be okay with you making mistakes so that you could learn. See the beautiful life that unfolds as you're able to do this.

And I think this message is so, so, so important. I think it's one of my favorite messages. And again, this is the book. This is the book that I would have written. This is the book that I would write right now. If I were writing a parenting book, trust yourself first, trust your kids next and see what a beautiful life unfolds as they learn naturally.

And as they grow into the plant that they were going to grow into anyways, [00:24:00] but with a lot less friction with a lot less weeds in the garden. 

Final Thoughts and Encouragement for Parents

All right. We'll see you next week.

If you enjoyed this episode, as much as I did, I would love for you to help spread the word by getting this message of support and guidance out to as many people as possible. So text it to your best friend or tag me on Instagram and share it. Leave a review, rate it, subscribe it, or follow on your favorite platform.

Send me a DM on IG letting me know which parts have impacted you or what you'd like to see on future episodes. We'll see you next week!