S10|08 - How to Prep for Kids Moving Out

I just came back from visiting our ‘adult’ child and pondering on what has made our relationship successful and connected- and what helped with his readiness to move out. On the episode today I’ll share 3 things that are integral to a healthy parent-child relationship, and how we can prep emotionally for them moving out- in a way that benefits them. 

In today’s episode: 

• Our story of a child moving out, and how the experience has been for all of us (you don’t have to follow the typical stories you hear about hard phases of parenting). 
• How to build trust in your child and their path (even in their mistakes and failures). 
• How to separate in a healthy way (non-attachment here, one of my fave things to discuss) which leaves room for true connection- our goal. 

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Links to Crystal’s work, to help on your own inner journey: 

Intuitive Journaling Prompts HERE and a somatic meditation (Move through frustration in 15 minutes or less) HERE, The Art of Non-Attachment Workshop HERE

Get started on this work with daily practice in a journal, Burn This Book (a great intro to mental and emotional wellness) HERE

Work with Crystal 1:1: www.coachcrystal.ca/miracle or in group: www.coachcrystal.ca/creationroom

Grab your copy of Crystal’s feelings wheel here: www.coachcrystal.ca/wheel

Full Transcript

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Introduction: The Transition of Moving Out

Crystal: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Parenting Coach Podcast with Crystal. Over seven years ago, I felt like I was stuck in this cycle of yelling and reactivity in my parenting that I did not want to be in, but I didn't know how to get out of. I knew how I wanted to parent pretty much exactly, and I'd spent hours reading books, but not finding a way to show up how I wanted to.
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That's when I started to turn inwards. My own inward journey was what my family needed. As I changed, everything around me changed. My kids meltdowns decreased by 90 percent or more with no medications or therapy. I stopped yelling, sibling fighting became almost entirely non existent, and I found that this change flowed into other areas of my life too.

My intuition increased. I started to run my life and business in a very different way. If this sounds like something you want too, I can help. Join me each week as I share my journey, including the laughter, fun, hard times, and tears. Tune in for support, guidance, and fun conversations with my favorite experts, and really anything else that interests me too.

Hello everybody and welcome to today's podcast. [00:01:00] how to prep before your kid moves out. I feel sort of like I'm like writing in my diary, like writing down, like, what are the most important pieces? Like if I gave my kids this diary, what would I want them to know? That sort of feels like. the vibe that I have about the podcast right now, knowing that it's coming to a close, knowing it's coming to an end so soon.

I'm like, what are the most important things? And I've been pondering on that so much. And one of the things I realized that I haven't really talked about is moving out. How to prep for your kids moving out, what's important about your kids moving out, all of those things. And, that's been a transition that we've been going through over the last year or so.

And over the last several years, definitely like allowing more like freedom, more travel or whatever for our oldest, but then actually transitioning to him. No longer living primarily at home. And so I was thinking about doing an episode on that and what, why has it gone so well for us? What are the things that have made it go well?

And I'll talk a little bit about that today and also share a little bit about my story. And [00:02:00] hopefully it will help you, whatever age or stage you're at. And, know that this transition can be smoother, I guess, than what I thought it could be. It was kind of like going into teenagehood, before I became a parenting coach, I used to hear so much about teens are so hard, they're so difficult.

Just wait till you get there. It's going to be such a struggle. Like it just felt like it had to be like, that was just the story that everybody had about teenagers. And I decided to carve a different path. I parented in a very different way and I really intentionally chose a different belief about teenagers than what I saw around me.

And I really believe that's one of the reasons why I love it so much and why it's been such a beautiful time of life, because I decided that it was because I decided that it could be different. And I feel the same way when it comes to kids moving out as well.

Reframing the Moving Out Experience

 I don't know if I really thought a lot about it beforehand, but I do think if I had thought about it, I would have thought like, Oh, it's this really tragic thing. It's this like huge separation. It's like a really big deal. And I don't [00:03:00] believe that anymore. I believe it's like flowy. It's this thing like, yes, they're gone. They're not like primarily living with us, but it still feels like this is their home. This is their connection point. Like it still feels very connected. And I think that's one of the reasons why it didn't feel as difficult.

Our Experience with Moving Out

So, our kiddo moved out at the beginning of the school year this year, and we just came back from visiting him. And he was struggling with, some classes, not sure what he should do, if he should, withdraw, if he should stay in them, and, he, we were chatting with him about all of these kind of like bigger life decisions, like internships and jobs and when to do what and what to do next in life and all of that.

And, It was really cool to be there because he was talking about how he had listened to this workshop that I did and how he took notes and he was showing me the notes that he took and we had this whole conversation about it. And I just thought, what a beautiful relationship we've been able to carve out to be where we are now, where he like actually listens to my podcasts or my workshops and thinks about them deeply and has conversations with me about them.

And, [00:04:00] I really do feel like our relationship is in a very good spot. And I feel like we, I still am his mom and I, he still comes to me for guidance, but I also feel very like on a level playing field with him where we can both be really open and honest about things with each other. so my experience with him moving out as we were driving down, he's going to school about nine hours from us and we were at the parent orientation meeting.

I had a lot of emotions, but I thought that they were going to be a lot more sadness. I think there was going to, I thought there was going to be a lot more separation and a lot more feeling like this finality of it that was going to be crushing for me emotionally. But I actually just felt a lot of excitement.

There was definitely sadness mixed in there, but it was like a good sad. And there was some grief for sure, but it was just like little pieces of it. But there was so much just excitement and happiness and. Just all of us being so eager for this next new part of life. And I was reflecting on that, like how and how confident he felt and how confident I felt in him.

And it was just this really beautiful [00:05:00] weekend. And it didn't feel like this transition that had to be so difficult. So as I was kind of pondering on like, what could I share that I might share that would help you if you're going through this, or if you're going through this in the future and what actually matters.

Being a parent of an eight year old and also of an 18 year old is interesting because you can kind of be in all of these different phases of parenting at the same time. And you can see these transitions. And I think that has helped a lot in being able to parent my younger kids, looking at what's happening with my older kids and same with my older kids, remembering what they were like when they were little, it's kind of a beautiful little spot to be in.

And so I'm going to share three things that I feel like. have helped me and potentially might help you too.

Trusting Your Kids

Number one is, to trust your kids. I did a whole episode a couple of weeks ago, so I'm not going to dig into a lot on trust. But I would encourage you to go listen to that episode. It's one of my favorite episodes that I've ever done because I really think that it's like the next level of parenting.

Like, yes. Yes. Let's parent with connection. Yes. Let's parent with love and acceptance and peace and all of [00:06:00] that. And emotional regulation. But like, can we go a step farther and like trust our kids and their decisions and trust them to make the decisions that are right for them? And can we even trust them in the middle of what looks like failures and mistakes?

So, go back and listen to that episode, but I'll also add to that. to help them foster trust in themselves. And I think this is a little bit different than even trusting them. I think that we foster the trust in them by trusting them first and by trusting us and our path as well. But I think we can actually foster trust in them too, that we can help them see through their mistakes and their failures, that those were actually necessary.

They were a necessary part of their path instead of us getting so mad or frustrated at something they do wrong. We can help them see why that was maybe necessary or needed and what they can learn from that. I also just believe that as we trust them and as we help them trust themselves, we ask them more.

We, we're more open to understanding, we're more open to their opinions and ideas instead of us spending so much more time lecturing them, right? If I don't just know all of the [00:07:00] answers for my kids, I'm not going to sit there for hours and tell them all of the ways it should be and what they should think about things.

I'm going to listen to them. I'm going to listen to understand. I'm going to help validate them and their experience, and I'm going to really help them feel seen. And a little story about trust that I'll share is, we were in Vietnam and we'd been traveling for a while. And at this point, my son had.

Expected to come back and just do another year of public school. And with homeschooling, it's a little bit, it's a little bit more loose. So he could have ended, he could have also not ended. And so we were kind of in this position of like, what should we do? And in the beginning he was like, you know, I think I'm just going to stay home for another year.

I think it'll be nice. We're like, okay, great. Awesome. We're going on a walk in Vietnam. And we're having this kind of conversation and he's like, you know, I think the only reason I chose that is because it's the less scary option. There's a lot of fear when it comes to like, what would I do next? What would I go to school for?

Where would I go to school? What, is that going to look like? How is that going to be? And he's like, the only reason I think I'm stopping myself from making this decision is fear. And I don't want to make that decision just from fear. So [00:08:00] as we discussed it, I actually talked a lot less. I listened a lot more.

And by the end of our walk, he had kind of decided like, you know, I actually think I do want to go. I think that's where my next level of growth is going to be. I think that's how I'm going to learn best is to go do something that's like new and different and uncomfortable. And, I really helped foster the sense of trust in him and his choices.

Instead of being like, are you sure? I don't know about that. Here's the pros and the cons. I was like, listen to you, like, listen to what your heart says. That is, listen to what you feel like, and I trusted fully that no matter what decision he was going to make, it was going to be for him. And I think that my trust in him helped him to trust himself as well.

What does this look like when they're little? It looks like listening to them. And their opinions. It looks like a whole lot less luxury. It looks like validating them. It looks like listening to even their body cues, right? I like when I'm feeding my kids, I'm not like, well, you have to finish every single thing on your plate.

And even when they're saying they're hungry or they're talking [00:09:00] about hunger or food or anything that has to do with really their physical body, what they're okay with and what they're not okay with. I really help them understand that themselves. I'll even talk to my daughter and be like, okay, do you feel.

hungry in your belly? Do you feel full? This is kind of what it feels like for me. Maybe that feels like for you. And there still will be some guidance and teaching there, but it's coming from a space of, I trust them. And I know that they will be able to figure out answers on their own as they learn to trust themselves and their bodies and listen to them.

In my tweens, there's been lots of times where they don't want to go to bed. And there we constantly have this like back and forth struggle of it. And I remember one night when I just kind of dropped that force and drop that control energy, I could tell that I was in that energy and I just released it.

And I just took a few deep breaths. And I just started talking to him about listening to his body. I just thought, why don't you listen to your body? Is your body tired tonight? Does it feel like it needs sleep? Or do you feel like, no, you're totally fine. And he like stopped and was like, Oh mom, like when you ask it that way, then I can't just like say no.

He's like, then I have to actually listen to [00:10:00] myself. And I know that I really actually do need sleep. And so he decided to like draw for five more minutes and then go to bed. But it immediately released this like contention energy that we had been in because I dropped the control and I dropped the force and I let him listen to his own self.

And I know this is going to be very nuanced and very different depending on the ages and stages of your kids and whatnot, but I would offer just like, listen to them more, lecture less, ask yourself how, what would trust look like here? If I trusted myself. And my parenting. If I trusted my child in their phase of life and that they actually had a lot of wisdom inside, whether they're two or they're 20, how would I respond to this differently and what would I do?

Letting Go of Your Own Dreams

Alright. Number two is don't dream your dreams through them. I've seen this play out in my own life. All of these things that I'm telling you, I'm telling you from how I've experienced them myself as well, and in both negative and positive ways, but. not dreaming your dreams through them. I didn't realize how much I was kind of attaching these ideas [00:11:00] that I had, like the kind of childhood that I wished I had or experiences that I wished I had, but then I was giving to my kids just to fulfill this feel, a thing that I felt like was lacking within myself or that I wished happened for me when I was little.

And so I would just offer to ask yourself, am I doing this anywhere? Is there any area of my kid's life where I'm pushing something that maybe isn't best for them or maybe isn't their path or maybe they don't want and they've like been telling me that they don't want it but I'm pushing it anyways because it feels like something that I'm trying to give them that I didn't have or that I wasn't able to accomplish or something.

It's easier to think of when you think about something like music, or piano, or athletics, or like learning a second language, or going to university. but I think that we can do this in several ways. Like, what are the things about our kids choices that I really, want them to make that I feel attached to?

If there's an attachment that I have, then I want to release it. That attachment. And I know it can feel scary. Cause you're like, well, what if they quit? What if they don't do the thing that I really want them [00:12:00] to do? And that's the scary thing about non attachment is that when we detach from it, like we might not actually get it back, that might not be something that our kids follow through with.

They might not decide to go to university. They might not decide to learn a second language. They might decide to quit sports or quit piano or whatever it is. but going back to number one, that trust in them, trusting their path also that they're going to learn what they need to learn. And through the experiences that they have, and we do this thing called personalization as parents.

We do this in lots of areas of our life, but in parenting, personalization looks like I'm making my kid's behavior mean something about me. I'm attaching meaning about my enoughness, about my worth. In this external way of my kids and how well they do in school or whether or not they're bullied or maybe they are the bully or whether or not they decide to follow, how I follow with my religious values or my ideals, or whether or not they choose to go into sports or not, like all of those different experiences we can be attached to or not.

And so [00:13:00] as you kind of write down this list of like, what are all of the things that they're doing or they're not doing, and do I have any attachment to it? Does it feel graspy? Does it feel needy? Does it feel like something that I just like absolutely do not want them to ever stop doing? because if I can release that energetic attachment, my kids will feel it too.

Nobody likes to be forced. Nobody likes to be controlled and we can feel force and control energy. If you just think about somebody that you're around where you know that they like don't fully accept you or they don't really like your choices or, your way of living. Or, you know, that they want you to be different.

You don't really like spending time with them. You don't like being around them and you can feel that force energy from them. Well, our kids are the same way. When we start to drop this attachment, this connection that we have to them and their behavior and their life choices, it actually allows them more freedom and allows them more ability to get to that.

I think within personalization, we can also get to this idea of [00:14:00] over and under responsibility. So over responsibility is I'm taking responsibility for all of their actions, for all of their behavior, for their development, for their choices in life, which is not mine. I am not them. They are their own person, but also under responsibility for my actions and for my behavior and for my response and for my responses to them.

And so I like to look at it like, what am I in charge of, right? Going back to that plant analogy, that plant metaphor that I love. Like, if I'm the gardener of this plant, I don't get to choose. how fast my plant grows. I don't get to choose if it blooms or if it doesn't or if it's stagnant in its growth.

But there are things that I do have responsibility over, right? I'm responsible for the environment. I get to decide if it gets watered and what kind of fertilizer I put in. That is my role. That is my responsibility and separating what is mine and what is them and who I am and who they are. A process of differentiation can be really uncomfortable but also get us to a space where there is so [00:15:00] much freedom and true relationship, right?

True intimacy is I get to be me, fully me, accept me at a deep level and I get to give that. Same acceptance and love to someone else around me. And when I do, I get a truly connect with them. When I have this like negative attachment to like, they need to make this choice or they need to be this way. I'm actually blocking true connection, which brings me to number three, which is connection.

The Importance of Connection

And I think this is probably the biggest one. This is why, even though there was some sadness when we send our child off to school, that it didn't feel like such a loss. Because we felt that deep connection. We felt like this is just a small blip on his journey. Like, he'll be back. He's still ours. He still lives at our house, even though he's not, like, physically present at our house right now.

We just felt so attached and so connected. moving out doesn't have to be this, like, end. It doesn't have to be so exact. It doesn't have to be so rushed or hurried. It can be this, like, kind of slow growth, beautiful, [00:16:00] flowing journey. So I think that really helped as well. But I think connection is so imperative.

I had a conversation. I can't remember if I've shared this on the podcast before. I had a conversation while I was traveling with a friend of mine and they were kind of saying like, I don't really know about this whole like parenting through connection way and like dropping rewards and punishments.

Like I think that it's leading to kids that are entitled, they don't really care. Like we're not teaching our kids the right things. And anyway, so we're having this kind of argument back and forth and he's kind of saying his point of view. I'm saying my point of view. And in the end, his wife was well, Look at your relationship with your family, like, how do you feel like it is?

And he did reflect on it and realize that, like, he doesn't really like spending time with his parents. He doesn't think about them often. He doesn't feel connected to them at all. And so even though he's like, no, I think that, you know, the way that they parented was totally fine and totally necessary.

it didn't end in connection for him. It didn't end in relationship, at least a close intimate relationship for him. And so I think about that often. I think [00:17:00] what kind of future relationship do I want with my kids? If relationship matters most, which it does to me. And if I want a relationship where they come back, they feel connected always, where they know that.

My home is a safe space for them. They can come back anytime they're welcome here. They're loved here. They can be themselves here. then what happens now? What does that look like now? Because yes, I might want that 10, 20, 30 years in the future, but I am laying the seedbed for that right now. Like those are the plants that I'm planting right now that are going to bloom in the future.

And so the way that I choose to relate to my kids now matters most, I feel like the theme of my podcast and of my life and my message over the last several years has been radical connection, radical acceptance, loving them no matter what, and I'm not conflating here acceptance with like no boundaries, no teachings, no guidance.

I actually think that connection is the only way that really leads to healthy boundaries. that really leads to healthy teaching and healthy guidance. I think it clears the path for [00:18:00] that. Radical Connection, I think, was episode four of season one. So like four years ago, I was talking about Radical Connection, and I stand by everything I said in that same episode four years ago, because I do truly believe And then it really matters most.

And when we have that connection, when we have that healthy relationship, then we can look at things like, what do I really want to model for my kids? If I know that I'm teaching through modeling, I'm not teaching through rewards and punishments and extrinsic behavior modifications, I'm teaching through connection and relationship.

Then I know that what I model is going to matter. So what am I modeling? What do I want them to have or to be like, or to value when they leave home? How am I modeling that to them? How can I maybe be a little bit more intentional in what I'm modeling, right? If I want them to have a really healthy relationship with screens, what is my relationship with screens like right now?

And do I need to make shifts or changes with that? If I really want to model something like personal responsibility or emotional regulation [00:19:00] or a love of learning, and that learning is something that they can just continuously have through their life or that their mistakes and their failures don't define them, that they're still wonderful, beautiful, amazing, good people, regardless of the choices that they make.

Am I modeling that for myself? Do I believe that for myself? And if I don't, how can I do that work to more intentionally believe that for myself so that I can truly be modeling that? I don't think modeling is like, let me sit down and tell you what I believe and what I value and it'd be important to you.

Modeling is what am I actually showing? How do I respond to my mistakes and failures? What do I do when I have made a mistake relationally? How do I repair the harm that I caused? How do I reconnect? What does that look like for me? Because I think it is so much more about who we are and how we are and the energy in which we are than it is what we say to them and what we like overtly do or show. I think it's like something that's more with deep within us.

Final Reflections and Takeaways

So to [00:20:00] sum up, number one, help them trust themselves. Number two, don't dream your dreams through them. Make sure you disconnect, detach from those, and detach from that personalization. Spend some time in that differentiation mode. And number three, connection, matters most.

That's what I truly believe. And I will stand by that forever and ever until the end of my days is that if I really believe that relationship matters most and I want a healthy relationship, then connection matters more than coercion. Connection matters more than compliance. Connection matters more than like, let me get my say in right now.

Let me like win this argument. And when I'm in that space, I'm more listening. I'm more understanding and more trusting. I'm more loving. I'm more accepting. And isn't that the kind of relationship we want with everybody? Like, if you think about the relationship you have with your best friend, someone that you love spending time with, a sibling that you love hanging out with, a parent that you really enjoy.

Look at that relationship and the ingredients in that relationship, and then figure out how can I have this kind of relationship with my kids right now? [00:21:00] And it's going to come down to your own relationship with yourself. It's going to come down to thoughts. It's going to come down to beliefs, to feelings, to energy, to all the things that I talk about on the podcast all the time, and that those things can change and shift throughout the years.

Closing & Call to Action

So thanks for being here. Thanks for listening. And I hope you enjoy my podcast as much as I have been over the last four years. I am sad to see it go, but also excited for my next chapter. See you next week.

If you enjoyed this episode as much as I did, I would love for you to help spread the word by getting this message of support and guidance out to as many people as possible. So text it to your best friend or tag me on Instagram and share it. Leave a review, rate it, subscribe it, or follow on your favorite platform.

Send me a DM on IG letting me know which parts have impacted you or what you'd like to see on future episodes. We'll see you next week.