How to Get Your Children to Stop Whining

“But, MOOOOOM! That’s not fair!” 

We’ve all heard it. The sure indication that your child has started whining. Ugh. For many parents, it’s like hearing nails on a chalkboard. It often annoys us, but it’s one thing that all children, both boys and girls, go through, so how do you deal with it? 

Maybe you’ve asked yourself these questions: Why do I get so annoyed by my child’s whining? What is something else I can say to her instead of “stop whining”? What can I do to stop my children from whining? We’re going to look at some of those aspects and give you some tips to help your children stop whining. 

Ready? Let’s dive in!

Why is whining so annoying?

No one wants to have whiny kids. Just the sound of it sets us on edge. In fact, it’s one of the most annoying sounds to many parents. We know this. But why? What makes whining so very annoying?

Whining is loud and alarming

Some experts believe that whining is annoying because it gets the parent’s/teacher’s/caregiver’s attention. Think about a fire alarm. Would you want to listen to that for very long? Of course not! But it gets your attention, and you put your focus into making it stop. Whining may be one of those evolutionary behaviors that has been perpetuated to make the authority figure around the child aware that something is wrong. At a physiological level, whining is a survival mechanism for children.

Whining brings up feelings of inadequacy

Another explanation of why whining is annoying is because it brings out our own feelings of inadequacy as parents. Our children’s whining reminds us that we’re less in control of things than we hope we are. It reminds us that it’s difficult to know how to deal with their emotions, so we get angry or annoyed and want it to stop. 

I know…it sounds like I’m saying whining is something we should just grow into dealing with, but it’s not always that easy. We know it bothers us, so we need to understand where it’s coming from and how to deal with it in an effective manner. So, let’s look at why children resort to whining. 

Why is my child whining?

While all kids whine, they may not all be whining for the same reasons. Let’s explore a few different reasons a child might whine.

Children whine because they’re upset

One reason children resort to whining (and probably the biggest one) is they’re upset about something. Let’s look at a child whom we’ll call Thomas. This sweet boy likes to play with his older siblings, and they usually play well with him too. Today, however, his siblings have homework and other activities they’re involved in, so no one can play with Thomas. He asks everyone, but they’re too busy. He thinks maybe Mom will be able to play…but Mom is making dinner right now. This sends Thomas over the edge. “But, Mom! No one wants to play with me. I want to play with someone right now!” He’s not trying to be difficult; he’s just run out of patience with the situation and doesn’t know what else to do.

Children whine because they have a physical need

Other reasons children whine is that they are sick, tired, or hungry. It’s hard for us to deal with things that take us out of our normal routine or how we normally feel, so why wouldn’t it be the same for children? They don’t know how to deal with those situations yet, so they go to what they know—whining. 

Children whine because it gets them what they want

Something else that leads to children whining is that whining has gotten them what they want in the past, so they are sure it’ll work this time too. If you’ve given into your child’s whining before, you’re not alone! Sometimes the whining comes when we’re at the end of our rope, too, so we just do anything we can to get the whining to stop, which usually means giving in to whatever it is they want. 

Ok. We’ve covered why children resort to whining, so let’s now look at how we can get the whining to stop.

Tips to Stop the Whining

Maybe you’re pretty good at knowing how to stop your child’s whining, but sometimes it just doesn’t work. Maybe you’re at your wits’ end because nothing EVER seems to work. No matter where you are with your confidence level in dealing with whining, these tips are for you!

1. Teach them about it

Sometimes children don’t even know they’re whining. What?! How am I supposed to help if they don’t even know they’re doing it? Point it out to them. Remember to be gentle when doing this so they can understand that it’s important. You could say something like, “Let’s talk about this, I’m here to listen.” Or you could try, “Let’s ask for what we want calmly.” Gently reminding our children will help them to learn over time. You’ll notice that as you focus on your relationship with them, and gently teach, that it will get better over time. 

2. Remain calm and evaluate your reaction. 

It’s really easy to say in frustration, “Fine! Just have more candy!” when your child has been whining and asking for the same thing over and over. However, it’s more beneficial for you to take a step back and evaluate why you are being triggered by the whining. Maybe you’re tired or frustrated about something else. Whatever the reason is, find something that works for you to stay calm in those situations. Once you identify the source of your frustration, you will be prepared to calmly find out what has led to your child’s whining and, over time, focus on the whining less.

3. Say you don’t understand. 

 Remember that question we posed at the beginning about what else you can say instead of “stop whining”? Well, here’s a good alternative! Instead of yelling, “STOP WHINING,” you could say something calm like, “I can’t hear what you’re saying very well. Let’s try that again.” This is one of the best ways to deal with whining because children want to be understood, so they’ll try a different tactic to accomplish that goal. It’s all about the energy in which we respond- when we are feeling calming, loving and understanding- they will feel that and respond accordingly. 

4. Be a good example.

Children learn from the adults around them. When you’re frustrated, do your best to use appropriate language and behavior, so you can model what that looks like. Adults are not insusceptible to whining either. If you notice that you’re modeling whining behavior when you’re upset, change your behavior first. Children learn most through example- notice your reactions when you’re upset and start there first. 

5. Praise and reward appropriate language.

Just as negative attention can encourage undesirable behavior, positive attention can stop it. When your child changes their behavior, uses different language, and stops whining, reward them with words! You could say something like, “Thank you for using your big girl voice!” Or you could say, “I can understand you really well right now”. Thank you so much!” Something else that could work is, “I love how you’re coloring nicely now. Doesn’t that feel good?” Focusing on the good goes a long way.

6. Get to the root of the problem.

This one is important because it will help you understand your child better and help her also be more aware of her behavior. Let’s look at an example: Nicole has been whining for a few minutes about not being able to watch TV. She really wants to and thinks it’s not fair that she can’t. Instead of just dismissing her or saying something like, “well, life’s not fair,” her mom asks her why she feels that way and why it is bothering her so much today. Nicole didn’t expect this reaction from her mom, so she opens up about having a hard day at school and just wanting to have some time when she doesn’t need to think about it or interact with anyone. Her mom understands that sentiment and negotiates a solution they’re both happy with. Because her mom was willing to take the time to listen, she was able to understand and support Nicole.

7. Provide alternatives to prevent future whining. 

Give your child tools that they can use in the future when they feel frustrated and want to resort to whining. Some parents tell their children to yell into a pillow when they feel frustrated. Some parents have their children do jumping jacks to calm down, listen to music or take deep breaths. Find whatever works for you and your children so they can use different strategies when those feelings come up. It’ll help them in the future—and you too! Practicing these tools in moments of calm will be really effective- and don’t push it if they can’t access their tools when they are feeling frustrated- even adults have a hard time with this. Figure out tools that work well for YOU when you are upset- and role model that in moments when you feel frustrated. Teaching by example is the most effective way to teach. 

Closing thoughts on parenting whiny kids

Whining can be one of those things that just makes you cringe and sets you on edge. The reason that it does is usually internal- there is something going on with us- maybe we are tired, burnt-out or overwhelmed. Digging into our own triggers, so that we don’t feel so reactive, will help whining THE most. I don’t dig into that in this article… but that’s ALL that I talk about over on my podcast, Freedom Moms podcast, so take a listen. 

Use the tips we went over today and find ways to help keep yourself calm—it’ll transfer to your kids as well! I know you can do it!

Start by checking out my Freedom Moms podcast for some helpful tips. You can also find out your parenting superpowers through taking my free quiz.

Crystal The Parenting Coach