S02 E10 - How to Get Your Kids to Listen

We often think that the only way to get our kids to listen is to use threats, bribes or punishments. Those actually decrease natural obedience over time. There is another way to do it, tune in to find out how. Yelling, threats and bribes really do seem to work in a pinch- kids typically respond and listen. Over time though, you may have noticed that you have to up the ante: yell more, bribe more, bigger threats. You may also feel a nagging feeling that this isn’t helping your relationship with your kids, that there is a better way, but you’re just not sure how. This episode gets into all of that.

In this episode:

• What discipline really means
• Why rewards and punishments do more harm than good
• How to get our kids to listen naturally, through connection

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Episode Transcript

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hey, I'm Crystal, a certified life coach and mom of four. In this podcast, we combine radical connection and positive parenting theories with the How-To Life Coaching Tools and Mindset Work to completely transform our relationship with our children.

Join me on my journey, unleash your inner parenting expert, and become the mother you've always wanted to be. Make sure you subscribe wherever you listen to your podcast and rate this podcast on Apple, and check out my transformative monthly membership for moms in the show notes. 

Episode 10, How to Get Your Kids to Listen. 

Why don’t our kids listen to us?

This is one of my favorite things to talk about, especially because everyone thinks it's such a huge problem. I mean, I thought it was such a huge problem. This is a huge problem, how do we get our kids to listen? We ask them over and over and over again. 

They don't do it. Sometimes they do, but most of the time they don't; I do not know how to get my kids to listen. So, the reason is most of us are kind of doing it wrong; or at least, doing it in a way that's not effective or sustainable over time. 

It might be right immediately, it might seem to help immediately, but I'm going to talk a little bit about what's really going on here. So, most of us were raised in a home that was more fear-based or authoritarian; what this looks like is rewards, punishments. 

It's also low on relationship because we're either bribing our kids to do something or we're threatening them, or we're using time out, spanking, yelling, all of those kinds of things. And so, that's over time, going to decrease our relationship. 

It probably works in the moment because they're kind of scared or because they want something; but over time, it's not going to work as well. On the other end, we have permissive parenting; that's little to no guidance, you're kind of just friends with your child – lack of control. 

And it's also low relationship because they're not feeling emotionally or physically taken care of by you. So, in this center is where we see this connection-based parenting, where it's high relationship, and it's relationship-focused; and there's teaching through connection, which we're going to get to. 

Why rewards and punishments do more harm than good

But first of all, I want to talk about the problem with rewards and punishments. So, our child makes a mistake – they grab a toy from somebody, or they say something unkind. And initially, they might feel like what they did was right, but over time--  

This is what happens. Over time, they have a thought of like, Maybe I shouldn't have done that,' or 'That was probably wrong,' or 'I feel bad,' or 'Look how it made that person cry, I don't like that.' You know, they're going to have those, kind of, natural thoughts that are going to lead to a guilt response. 

Now, if we just let this cycle go, what would happen is they would feel guilty and then they'll have some more thoughts like, 'Maybe I should apologize,' or 'I probably shouldn't do it that way.' 

Maybe there's some learning or guidance from us, and we kind of encourage them; or maybe they just naturally feel that apology inside of them, and they make amends and they learn. And then, that is how the cycle goes. 

Now, what happens is we interrupt this cycle and manufacture the response because we think that this isn't happening naturally. We think that we need to intervene and teach them something. 

Now, teach comes from the root word discipulus, which means-- Discipline comes from the root word discipulus, which means to teach. And so, disciplining is actually teaching. So, what are we really teaching them when we scream or we yell or we threaten or we bribe them with things? 

I want you just to think big picture. Like in general, what kinds of things are they learning? So, a child's not necessarily going to be able to connect the punishment that you give them with the action that they took, especially a younger child. So, they go steal a cookie from the cookie jar. 

Later on, you figure out that it was them, and you're like, 'Hey, you stole a cookie from the cookie jar; and now, you're going in timeout.' They're not going to notice, 'Okay, wait, this is what I did. What I did was wrong, I'm getting punished for this thing.' 

That's a fairly mature kind of connection to be able to make for their brain. So, often, they're just going to think like, 'Oh, I am wrong,' 'Something about me is wrong,' 'My mom doesn't like me,' or, you know, 'She's mad at me.' 

Are not necessarily going to make all of those connections that we think in our mind as adults, with our developed brain, we think makes so much sense. So, this cycle is happening – this mistake, fail, having a thought about it, feeling guilty, you know, apologizing or learning or growing is just what naturally happens to humans; and we interrupt that cycle. 

And what we do is manufacture the response. We do this because we are going ahead and kind of convincing them artificially through either a bribe or a threat that they should do something, which decreases their intrinsic desire to do it over time. 

So, if I really want my child to read; and my child reads a little bit, but not a lot, and I start bribing them, or I start threatening them – over time, they're going to lose their natural desire to want to read. 

They're going to lose that intrinsic motivation that they have or that slight love or huge love that they have of reading because of that bribe or because of that threat. And this is what's happening when we use rewards and punishment. 

So, you might have noticed this before, that when you do something, say, you threaten your child with a timeout, it works immediately, but maybe later on you have to give more of a timeout or you have to yell louder, or you have to take away your child's phone for even longer. 

There's going to be-- You're kind of upping the ante over time, and that's because they're losing this intrinsic desire to obey. And that intrinsic desire to obey comes from that connection and that attachment that we have with them; they're going to naturally want to obey us if we have a good relationship with them. 

And so, when this natural cycle is happening, we're interrupting it and kind of breaking that relationship - or at least, decreasing that relationship. And again, with all of the things I teach, don't take this knowledge and then use it as a weapon against you and be like, 'Well, now I'm a terrible mom. I've totally ruined my kids and I've ruined the relationship here.' 

No, no, no, no, no, this is learning, this is growth, this is the discomfort part; that is totally fine. So, do not allow yourself to think all of those shameful thoughts of like, 'I'm doing a bad job and I can't ever change and I've ruined my kids.' 

No, you haven't. It is not too late to start at any age. It does not matter how old your child is; you can work on your connection with them now. 

So, one of the other problems with rewards and punishments is that it breaks down this relationship because the punishments usually go against their basic needs. 

So, you've probably heard of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. So, there's the physiological, safety needs, love and belonging, esteem, and self-actualization. So, taking things away from them or taking things that they're attached to or using a timeout, which is separating us from them. 

Maybe you make them skip a meal, or you yell at them, or you scream at them, or you threaten them, or maybe spank them; all of those things go against one of these Maslow's hierarchy of needs – either their love and belonging, or their esteem, or their safety needs, or their physiological needs. 

And so, over time, they're not going to feel protected, safe, secure in that relationship. And that's kind of our goal with connection-based parenting, is to get them into the space where they do feel connected and they do feel that high relationship with us so that they naturally desire to obey us. 

So, we kind of have this mistaken story that kids need to be punished in order to learn. I want you to think of all of the great things that you've learned your whole life. Did any of them come through being punished? Just think about that for a minute. 

The wonderful lessons that you've learned, the life lessons, even like the academic lessons that you've learned, did they ever come from being punished? Likely your favorite teachers were the ones who you felt loved by and who you loved; and because of that, you wanted to be close to them, you wanted to be like them. 

You wanted to do things that would please them, like hand in your assignments and do a good job. Now, think back on teachers that you really didn't like, that you had a terrible relationship with, do you even remember what they taught you that year? Did they make any impact on your life and on how it went? 

If you didn't feel loved by them and you didn't feel connected by them, likely learning in that relationship was very low or non-existent because kids do not need to be punished in order to learn. Kids are natural learners; they're going to figure this out, they're so good at figuring this out.

How to get our kids to listen naturally, through connection

So, we've talked about a couple of problems that happen because of rewards and punishments, and why that isn't necessarily the greatest long-term way to deal with it. So, what do we do instead? 

1. Realize what teaching is: It's not about punishment

Well, number #1 is just to realize that discipline just means teaching; discipline doesn't have to be punishment – that teaching is teaching. So, just think about your greatest teachers, how they taught you, why you loved being taught by them; and that's the kind of relationship that we want to try and mimic with our children.

2. Connection above all, teaching second

Number two is connection above all, teaching second. And teaching way second, because the teaching won't happen at all unless the connection happens first. A child is never going to learn from a relationship where they don't feel that connection. So, how can you work on a connection with your child? 

Now, I know we've talked about this in the past, but I'm just going to review a little bit – this number #2, connection above all. Write down all of the thoughts that are leading to disconnect for you. So, why do you not feel connected to them right now? 

Maybe you feel like they don't like you, they don't like hanging out with you, they're disrespectful. Write down all of those thoughts. And then start to go back and poke those little holes through those thoughts – 'Did those thoughts feel good? Are they even factually true? Could maybe the opposite be true? Can I see any evidence that maybe the opposite is true?' And just really coach yourself through those thoughts. 

And then, I want you to think about somebody that you love and you care for and you feel really connected to, and write down those thoughts now. It can be something simple like, 'I love them, they love me, I like being around them,' just tiny little thoughts like that. 

How could those thoughts potentially be true now in your relationship with your child now that you're feeling disconnected to? And, how could you work on those now? And like we've talked about in the past, bridging thoughts are really helpful. 

Maybe it's possible that they love me. Maybe it's possible that I like being around them. Maybe it's possible that we are already greatly connected, that we already communicate really well, or not even just maybe it's possible, it's equally possible that, or I'm seeing that or I'm learning that. Just find a little bridge to kind of put before that belief that you're going to work on. 

So, number #1 is realizing what teaching really means; it's not about punishment. Number #2 is connection above all; teaching just happens way second, and teaching happens pretty naturally. 

3. Connect before you direct

Number #3 is connect before you direct. So, this is something that I learned from Dr Gordon Neufeld, but I've heard of a lot of other people talking about it too. And so, what he means by this is make sure that you have a connection with them before you tell them to do something. 

So, your kid comes home from school, they throw everything all over the floor, they go do something else, and you start spewing out orders like, 'Why didn't you clean up this? And why haven't you put your backpack away?' And you know, 'Your lunch is going to get moldy', and all of these things. And they get frustrated, and they don't listen. 

You're going to have a lot higher of a chance of them listening if you connect with them first. So, sit down with them, ask them questions, 'How is your day? How are you feeling? How did things go? What are you excited about right now? What are you working on at school?' Whatever you want to do to connect with them. 

You'll know when you've truly connected, when they're looking at your eyes and you're looking at their eyes; that's kind of when that key has happened, when it's really connected. Now that you have their eyes, now give them the direction. 

So, you can say the same thing, "Hey, let's go put away your backpack," or "Did you remember to put away your coat? Can you go put away your coat?" And I have done this, and practiced this time and time again; and it is so, so effective. 

If I come out from working in my office for a few hours and I notice that the house is messy and I just start spewing orders, like, 'Why did you drop this on the floor? And who made a fort in my bathroom? And why is there, you know, essential oils poured all over the counter? And, why is there dishes in the sink?' 

All of those kinds of things, that is not going to be nearly as effective as if I come out and I connect with each of those children; and then I sit down and say, "Oh, hey, I just noticed that your floor is clean, can you clean that up?" Or, "Can I come help you with that?" So, making sure that connection happens before you give them direction. 

4. Connect before you correct

Now, number #4 is very similar to number #3; it's connect before you correct. So, if you feel like you need to correct them in some way – like it's, you know, they hit somebody or they yelled some mean thing to somebody or they forgot something that you told them to do – I mean, you want to give them some sort of correction. 

You want to make sure the connection and love happen always first. We don't have to correct as often as we think that we do because learning does happen naturally. Like I've said, that learning is always going to happen. 

And so, the learning's going to happen from them wanting to be with you, wanting to be close to you, wanting to be near you, wanting to be like you – all of those kinds of things, that learning will just happen naturally. And they will naturally go through this like, 'I did something wrong; I feel that I'm going to apologize, I'm learning from it.' 

So, don't worry about that. Don't have that teaching be your goal above all, don't have that correction be your goal above all, and make sure that you take that time to connect before you go and then correct that behavior. 

So, maybe you do want to sit down and correct the behavior. Maybe it's not that important to you. Maybe over time as you're connecting with them, you're like, 'You know what? I think they got it; we can talk about this later.' 

I remember finding it so fascinating when I kind of stopped having teaching and discipline and punishments be the goal; and I just kind of let things start happening naturally, and it was a little bit of a struggle for me. 

It's kind of like when you empty out your closet, and it gets messy before it gets clean, right? This is kind of like our relationship with our kids. Our kids are used to one way of being, and then they're like, 'Wait a second, Mom's totally not doing it the way that I'm used to it being done.' 

And so, we might kind of freak out a little bit. And so, what we're going to do here is we're going to notice that like, 'That's okay, it can be a struggle for a bit, that's totally fine.' But what I noticed in my relationship with my kids is that, you know, somebody hit somebody or yelled or called them names or something, there was some sort of big blow up. 

And I just diffused the situation, went and talked to the kid that was hurt. You know, later on reconnected with the child that did the hurting. I kind of let it go and didn't talk about it. 

Later on, that night or the next day I had a conversation, and this is how my conversation went, "Do you remember when this happened – such and such – and you did this?" And they were like, "Yeah, I remember that." 

And I was like, "What were you thinking? What were you feeling? What was going on there?" And they were like, "I was really mad because they did this." And I was like, "Yeah, yeah, I totally get mad when things like that happen also." 

And then I said something along the lines of like, "How do you feel about how you showed up and about, you know, what happened there?" And they said something along the lines of, you know, "I probably shouldn't have done that, that, and I probably kind of lost it on them, and I probably shouldn't have hit." 

And then, I just said, "What could we do next time? Like, what would help next time?" And it was so fascinating to see that they already knew it all. I didn't have to sit down and say, "This is what you did wrong, this is what you should have done instead." 

I just asked them questions and they had already learned that lesson that I thought I had to teach them; this is how it works. It's just so natural. But we come and we interrupt it thinking it's not happening. So, I just want you to think about that, think about how that might work in your home and in your family. 

A book that I find really fascinating is The Sorry Plane by Dr. Deborah MacNamara; I think you'll enjoy it. And she talks about compassion and when to say sorry and not, you know, pushing our kids into saying, sorry. 

She doesn't talk about it in those kinds of terms though. It's like it's a kid book for little kids teaching them the skill. But I think we often push our kids to apologize, we push our kids to amend the behavior before they actually feel the sadness or frustration or guilt or whatever. 

So, it's really just recognizing that learning is always happening, learning is happening naturally. So, instead of having the focus be learning and discipline and punishment, have the focus be love and connection. 

So, remember what teaching truly means; connection above all, teaching way second, third is connect before you direct, and fourth is connect before you correct. 

I hope you enjoyed today's episode. Make sure that you give it Five Stars on Apple, and check out my monthly membership for moms in the show notes.