The Parenting Coach Podcast with Crystal

S03|03 - Parenting Reluctant Teens with Joey Mascio

Sep 13, 2021

 

Joey Mascio is a Certified Life Coach who helps high achieving teens and young adults stop letting self-doubt, procrastination, and stress suck all the fun out of being successful. Before he started his coaching business, Joey was a public-school teacher and counselor. Before that he appeared on hundreds of stages in front of thousands of people as a performer. His biggest claim to fame is being the only actor is Disneyland history to have played both Darth Maul and the Mad Hatter.

What we dig into today:

  • Why Joey volunteered in the teen discipline office, what he learned and what worked
  • Illusion of choice versus “true choice”
  • How to release control and support our children in their choices
  • The “plant” you have of YOU and your teen

Connect with Joey here: @joey_firmlyfoundedcoaching
His program: https://www.firmlyfounded.com/
His podcast: Listen Here

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I would be honored to be your coach and help you get the changes you want to see in your life. The tools that I talk about in my podcast and use in my coaching have completely turned around my life and my relationships with my children. I know what it takes and how to make it happen. You can use the links below to get more of my content and to learn what we do in my program By Design. I love helping women tap into their inner expert and build radical connection in their relationships with their children.

Link to my program: By Design
Find me on the ‘gram: The.Parenting.Coach
My website: coachcrystal.ca

 

 

Episode Transcript

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hey, I'm Crystal, a certified life coach and mom of four. In this podcast, we combine radical connection and positive parenting theories with the How-To Life Coaching Tools and Mindset Work to completely transform our relationship with our children.

Join me on my journey, unleash your inner parenting expert, and become the mother you've always wanted to be. Make sure you subscribe wherever you listen to your podcast and rate this podcast on Apple, and check out my transformative monthly membership for moms in the show notes. 

Hello, I'm so excited to bring you today's episode. I am going to be interviewing a teen coach, Joey Mascio, who also happens to be one of my friends, and he is so good – seriously, so good. Make sure you go check out him on Instagram because he has the funniest reals. 

So, Joey Mascio is a Certified Life Coach who helps high-achieving teens and young adults stop letting self-doubt, procrastination, and stress suck all the fun out of being successful. Before he started his coaching business, Joey was a public-school teacher and counselor. 

Before that, he appeared on hundreds of stages in front of thousands of people as a performer. His biggest claim to fame is being the only actor in Disneyland history to have played both Darth Maul and the Mad Hatter.

Hi Joey. Thank you for being here. I'm so excited to chat with you today.

 

Joey Mascio: Yeah, well, thanks for having me on. I feel honored.

 

Why Joey volunteered in the teen discipline office, what he learned and what worked

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Good. Good. It's a-- It's a fun podcast. So, I'm glad that you get to be one of our first few interviewees. So, my first question for you is, I would love to--  

Well, I know a little bit more about you, but I would love for my audience to know a little bit more about you and what really got you into teen coaching, Like, why you even decided to do that in the first place and why you love it; tell us about that.

 

Joey Mascio: Yeah. A lot of people think I'm crazy. So, I was a teacher, right? I was a teacher out of middle school, which is my first step into crazy. And people are like, 'Man, you got to-- you got to be a special person to be a middle school teacher,' which I agree. So, I did that. I loved that. 

I was middle school teacher for first like six years. About three years into that, the position at my school in the discipline office became available, right? 

It's a hard position to keep a teacher in because you have to be the teacher in the room where all the students get sent to when they get in trouble, they get in fight, smoking pot, whatever – you have to be in there. And I, like-- I raised my hand and I told my principal, I said, "I want to be in that room." 

And she's like, "I'm sorry, what? You want to be? Usually, I have to go beg people to be in that room; you want to be in there?" I'm like, "Yes, I want to be in there." Primarily, I was sick of grading papers; I was an English teacher at the time, but also, I'm like, "I think I can make a big difference in there." 

And so, I went into that room and that's like, those students became my Beta Testers and I started just kind of coaching them. And at this time, I hadn't actually officially even found life coaching yet. 

And then, almost simultaneously, I found life coaching; I got into it. So, I listened to podcasts, then I went and got certified, and then I started my business – and all that stuff all while I was in the discipline office. And I just really loved it, and I knew that kids can learn this stuff. 

That was something that people were like, 'Ah, yeah, I just don't know, I just don't know if teens can.' And I was working with really younger teens too, you know? But I'm like, 'Nope, teens can definitely learn this stuff.' And I just started learning different strategies and techniques on how to get through to teens.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Okay. That is awesome. But my question that comes up for me is like, so you're there putting your hand up thinking, 'Yeah, I can do this,' what made you think that you would be able to help those kids in that time before you really knew, totally knew what coaching was and you were a teacher? What made you think that you'd be able to help the people in that office?

 

Joey Mascio: Not to brag or anything, but I'm usually my students' favorite teacher. I'm usually the one--

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I can see that. I can see that.

 

Joey Mascio: Yeah. Thank you. I'm usually the one that like, 'Oh, Mr. Mascio, oh, you're the best - oh, I love, I love your class.' Even when I taught English, it was just something that I know how to do; I know how to connect with teens. 

I don't know if it's because of my background is in performing – I was performer for many, many, many years. My biggest claim to fame is being an actor at Disneyland, or I was the only actor to play both Darth Maul and the Mad Hatter, so I was very versatile.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah, totally different.

 

Joey Mascio: Yes. So, just using what I've learned from performance: and ever since I was a teen, I've been working with teens… whether it's in church teaching Sunday school or the seminary teacher for a bit – or also just teaching classes outside, I taught an improv class to teens just for the fun of it. I've always been working with teens and I just get them, and my wife says it's because I still think like a teen.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I was just going to say, you just like, you just connect with them because you're so similar, but also awesome.

 

Joey Mascio: Exactly. Exactly. I never grew up.

 

Illusion of choice versus “true choice”

Crystal The Parenting Coach: 'I never grew up,' I love it. It's like Peter Pan. Okay. So, speaking of that Discipline Office experience, I would love to chat about how you ended up figuring out how to get through to the really reluctant or 'more hard to teach' teens. 

I have a lot of parents that will come to me and just say, you know, their teen doesn't want to connect with them, their teen doesn't like connecting with them, their teen doesn't want to communicate with them or isn't interested in learning – you know, these emotional intelligence things that we teach – so, what did you find was so helpful to help those teens?

 

Joey Mascio: I had the benefit of watching several different administrators – principals, vice principals – in my time in the Discipline Office, and how they approached the teens in the Discipline Office, right? 

They'd come in to talk with them and I'd hear the strategies they would use – there was, you know, stern father-figure, 'Hey, look, you got to straighten up, you know, you got to, you know, get right, blah, blah' yell. 

And then, there was the one who was like the overly super nice, but ultimately manipulative, you know, like, 'Look, I'm here for you, but you got to start making better decisions, you got to start doing this and this and this.' 

And you know, sometimes they would get through, sometimes what the teens needed. But I realized that first off, those are all kind of different parenting tactics as well. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah.

 

Joey Mascio: You know? And I realized that the number one thing that caused a teen, a reluctant teen, especially, to revolt and to not care, because I saw how the teen would react after mommy or daddy, "the principals", left the room. 

I would see how they would, you know, "I just hate them," and like their response and then I would chat with them. The number one thing was giving teens an illusion of choice, not true choice. 

They would be giving them an illusion of choice. And this illusion of choice is essentially being like, 'Hey, look, you can choose Option A, this is the good one – or you can choose Option B, don't you dare choose that one.' 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. 

 

Joey Mascio: Right? And I'm like, that's not really choice; and sometimes we do that as parents. As parents, it's out of love. But as parents, we talk to our teens and we're like, 'Hey, look, you know what? You need to do your homework. And you can do your homework and get a good grade, and go to a good college, and live your dreams – or you cannot do your homework and you're probably, I mean, you're going to end up failing. Do you know what your, your Uncle Jack and what he does? I mean, he lives in a van down by the river, you're going to become Uncle Jack because Uncle Jack didn't do his homework.' 

And it's like, what, what? The message it gives to teens is that, 'Well, no, I mean, you got options, but really, you should choose this one.' And sometimes, and we don't even do this on purpose, but we tie in our acceptance of them like, 'Hey, we'll love you more if you choose this one.' 

And we never would say that, and that's not what we want to say. But a version of that comes out when we present these options to them and they know which one we want them to pick; and that makes it really hard for them to feel free when they're making their decisions.

 

How to release control and support our children in their choices

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. It's like in our body language and in the tone that we're using and in the way that we say it, we're just like, 'Here, have this giant ice cream, or like, eat a piece of poo.' They're like, 'Okay, well, I guess I'll take the ice cream.' Right? 

Like, it's just so, so different. And I think we do that tons as parents; we're just like, you have two options here, right? And then, they really feel backed into that corner. And then, like over time, they can also get into that people-pleasing of like, 'Well, I guess I should choose this because this is what will make my parents happy,' because they don't really feel like there really is those two choices. 

So, I love that you talked about that. So, how do you help-- How do you help that? Like how do you actually help inspire those kids and - I don't know - help them choose the option? I think that parents would often be saying, what I'm thinking is, 'Well, how do we get to not manipulate them, but to choose the good option?'

 

Joey Mascio: Right? I know. So, here's the thing – and I love what you just said so I'm going to use it – sometimes teens want to choose the poo. Right? Sometimes they just want to eat the poo rather than Popsicle stick. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. 

 

Joey Mascio: But the thing is they don't view it as poo, right? They don't view it like we do. So, the very first step for us parents is to release the illusion of control that we think we have over them and to release what we think of the alternative option, the other option. 

We think that if they don't do their homework, if they don't choose better friends, if they don't go to church, if they don't do this, that the future for them is going to be bad and ugly and full of poo. Right? And we feel like it's our job to stop them; and it's not actually, it's not our job to stop them. 

It's our job to teach them correct principles, and let them choose, right? It's our job to let them know that we're always here for them, even when they realize, 'Man, I shouldn't have chose, like chosen this – man, I wish I could do something else, Ah.' 

But if we tell them that there's two options and we want them to choose this other option; and this, Option B is not a good choice, and they're like, 'Well, that's the one I want to do. What does that say about me? I want to choose that, and mom and dad are saying that's the worst decision ever, but that's what I want to do. Maybe I'm the worst ever man.' 

You know? And then, as well, 'I don't want to talk to mom and dad about this anymore,' you know? So, in the Discipline Office, I had this benefit of being removed from the team.

Like, I wasn't the principal where if they get suspended or not, it might look bad on me – or I wasn't their parent – I wasn't even their teacher, where if they, you know, their grade might reflect on my-- I was just the guy in the room that they got to talk to, and I used that. 

I used that to be like, 'Look, I, to me, it doesn't matter which one you choose, I'm here for you anyway, bro – no matter what you want to choose.' And be able to go, look, 'Here are all your options, because they-- And there's more than A and B, by the way.' 

Sometimes we think there's just the two; there's so many options, and teens are aware of all of them. Well, 'I can kind of skate by and I'll do a little bit of homework,' right? Or, 'I can do this or maybe I can even be dishonest and try to get away with that.' Or, 'Maybe I'm just going to do this--' Like, they've thought about them all. 

So, what I love to do and what parents can totally do, is sit down with your teen and remove all agenda that you have for them, what you want them to do. And just be like, 'Look, I want you to get what you want. So, what do you want? What do you want?' 

Start with that question rather than leading with, what I want; what I want for you is to have a successful life and all that. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Great. You're a great parent. Fantastic. But what does your teen want? And when you ask them, they might say, 'Well, no, like, I, I want that, but right now I want something else.' 

And your parent brain might be like, 'Well, I mean, but if you don't start now, you're never going to get that thing in yet. Don't go there. Don't go there, because that's not even true.' Right? I mean, like, how many people do you know – even maybe yourself, parents – where you made certain decisions that maybe weren't even the best ones and then eventually, you straightened up and you flew right or whatever? You know?

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: You figured it out.

 

Joey Mascio: Yeah, you figured it out, right? So, let them-- Let them choose. Go over all their options with them and go, 'Well, which one do you want? And what you want your goal, does the choice you're going to make now, does it line up?' And let them figure out if it does or doesn't. 

They may say, 'Yeah, no, it totally lines up.' And in your head, you're like, 'No, no, it doesn't.' Refrain, refrain from pointing that out to them. I mean, you can advise, 'Oh, well, if you do that, do you think you're going to end up there? I mean, it might be more difficult, what do you think about that?' 

Okay. Hey, but I mean, if you're, if you're on board that – 'Hey, I can hang out with my friends, I can go skateboarding like with them and I'll study later.' I'm using homework right now because that's like the simple activity, you know. But this really goes to almost anything, any choice that they want to make that you would kind of want to passive-aggressive parent them on. Right? Does that make sense?

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: That totally makes sense. And I think oftentimes, like, this is how I talk to people about how to talk to their kids is like, you know, don't do it when they're really emotional and when you're really emotional, do it another time when you're both like cool in your Green Zone, is what I call it. 

And then, when you're sitting there in your Green Zone, like we like to like go straight to lecture mode where we're just like, 'Do this, do this, do this' – or even just like speak in a little bit more of a condescending way or a structured way. 

Instead, what you're really helping them do is, what I tell parents to do is that like kind of coaching questioning, 'Well, what do you think about this? Well, what did you feel when this happened?' 

You know, and when we can get them to think about those and really feel like we're just really encouraging them, we're literally coaching them through the situation; and also, releasing that expectation. 

Like when I'm at a call with the client, I don't have an expectation that like, by the end of it, they're going to parent amazingly or do exactly what it is that I want them to do; like, I don't have an agenda, I'm just helping them uncover what it is that they want to do. 

And this is the same thing that you're saying to do with our teens, is like, let's just help them uncover what they want to do and release that expectation that there's like a good way or a bad way, or a right way or a wrong way because that kind of thinking comes from that primitive part of our brain that's so, all-or-nothing. 

We're like, there's only two options; one's really amazing and one's terrible, and you have to pick one, right? And really, there's like a thousand shades of grey in between that. And also, if we look back on the mistakes that we made, those were times that were huge learning for us. 

Just like what you said, like, we probably did make those mistakes and still we turned out-- I think when you said that, I was thinking of Elon Musk, because we love him around here and, you know, dropped out of college and started this company; and everybody would've probably looked at him and been like, 'This is going to be a failure, this is terrible, why are you doing this?' Right? 

And obviously, he wasn't; he was hugely successful. And a lot of people have been like that even though they've chosen kind of a different path than we might, you know, in our structured brains look at our kids and want for them, that turned out so well, anyways. 

And so, I love that we can kind of just be that cheerleader and that person that encourages and guides them, and then just loves them anyway because we don't want them to tie their worth to our acceptance of them, right? We want them to feel accepted and loved no matter what actions they decide to take.

 

Joey Mascio: Yeah. Yeah. Well put, well put.

 

The “plant” you have of YOU and your teen

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. So, next question, in your opinion – now that you've done this for a while and coached lots of different people and been in this Discipline Office position – how do you think we improve our relationships with our teens without them changing anything? 

If we're just like, okay, we're okay with you making all these decisions, we're just going to love you anyways, how can we improve our relationship with them?

 

Joey Mascio: Yeah. So, the way the world teaches relationships, I'm really against, right? The world teaches relationships as almost this metaphor that there's one relationship plant that both you and your teen water and take care of together – I say, you and your child. 

And then they become a teen, and the teen stops watering and taking care of the plant the way that you feel like they should. And then, so you have to do double duty, right? 

And your teen, rather than coming home and talking with you, they come home from school and they sit down on their phone or they go in their room and you're like, 'What? Oh, what's going on?' Right? And then, so now you have to step up and take care of this plant all by yourself to keep this relationship alive.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah.

 

Joey Mascio: You know? And then, 'But if only they would change and make different choices, then, and only then can the relationship tree start to really thrive again without me doing all this work.'

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes.

 

Joey Mascio: Well, all that's baloney. It's all baloney sandwich, right, that there's this one relationship, this entity - this ethereal relationship that exists between the two of you; that's not how I teach it because that's not the truth. 

The truth is, there are two plants in this metaphor; you have a plant of your teen and they have a plant of you… and you can only water, nourish, and take care of your plant of them, and they can only water and take care of their plant they have of you. Right? 

And so, we cannot go into their mind and water and take care of their paradigm, how they view us; we think we can, but we can't. We can only worry about our garden, our mind garden that we have and our plant for them. 

Now, with that being said, that foundational work, there are three types of thoughts that we use to either poison our plant of somebody else in our relationship or to promote growth – to have the plant produce delicious fruit. 

And here's the thing; the fruit, the metaphorical fruit that your plant produces, you're the only one who gets to eat it all. Right? If it's delicious fruit, you can't walk over and shove it down your teen's mouth and go, 'Look, I love you,' right? Like, 'Isn't this great? Feel this.' You can't do that. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. 

 

Joey Mascio: But also, if your plant is producing bitter, rotten, gross fruit, you have to eat it. It's not an option to not eat it; you have to eat it. So, those three thoughts that you are using to either poison your relationship plant with your teen or to promote growth are; what you think about them, what you think about yourself in relationship to them, and what you think they think about you. Right? So, those three thoughts, look at them. 

And often, when I'm talking to a parent and even a teen, anybody that's like, 'Man, no, this person in my life, I wish they were different, I wish they were this, I would have what I would want if they would change.' 

And I go, 'Well, let's look at these three thoughts, what are you thinking about them? And for parents it's genuinely like, 'Well, they're going to ruin their life.' Oh, that's wonder-- That's wonderful poison to put on your plant, right? 

'What do you think about yourself as their parent?' 'I just can't get through to them.' Ooh, also, wonderful poison to put on that plant. You just can't get through to them. 'I'm not the parent for them.' You know? And then, what do you think they think about you? 

And this is the one that is kind of inception, as a little extra meta-- Realize it's not what they think about you, it's what you think they think about you.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes, exactly.

 

Joey Mascio: Yeah. Extra meta there. And so, then they're like, 'Well, I mean, I think that they think I'm annoying and nagging; and Joey, I know they think I'm nagging because they've told me this.' 

And I go, 'Yeah, and if they've told you that, therefore out of necessity, that's the only thought you have to think,' right? No, wrong. I mean, how many times is our brain just all black or all white, or even black or white? There's a thousand shades of grey in our brains, the way we view any one person. 

And because your teen in their teen angst said, "Mom, you're so annoying, you always nag me," that's what you're going to hold onto – that is just poisoning your plant; it's not helping you. Changing one of those thoughts, changing all of them is going to drastically improve your relationship with your teen without them having to do absolutely anything.

 

Why your teen’s behavior and choices should not influence your role as a parent

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. And what's interesting too, I talk to my clients about this is that often when our kids are saying something, that's not actually what they're saying. 

So, it's easy when it's a toddler, right? Your toddler's like, 'I hate you, you're the worst, I can't stand you.' You know, and you're just like, 'Oh, okay. They're just mad. They just need some food.' Right? Like, we don't even really listen; we kind of even sometimes think it's cute.  

Like when my-- I guess my toddler's not too much of a toddler anymore, but when she was a toddler, we would try not to laugh and giggle at her because she would just be so strongly emotional and we'd be like, 'Okay, really, she just needs some food and she's being cute.' 

But anyways, but it's so much easier when it's a toddler. And then, your child gets older and they throw these tantrums-- I still call them tantrums; they really are, their tantrums are meltdowns that they're having, right? We still have them as adults. 

 

Joey Mascio: Yeah. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: So, they're having this meltdown and we take everything that they say, literally. We're like, Oh, well, now that they're, you know, a little taller, now we're going to believe everything they say when they're in their emotional brain. Instead of--

 

Joey Mascio: Yes, they must mean it

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: They must mean it. Instead of zooming out and being like, what are they actually saying? If we didn't know the language that they were speaking, if we imagined that they were like speaking Klingon or something, and we didn't know it, what would we be feeling like they were saying? 

We're probably feeling like they're saying, "I'm stressed, I'm frustrated, I don't know how to handle this situation," right? But yet, we take the literal words they're saying and then we internalize that to mean that that's what they think about us, which just--  

It's like wearing these like, you know, black-colored glasses all around every time we think about a relationship with them, and then everything is going to add to that even if it doesn't; even if it's not even connected, we'll just start connecting these pieces. 

So, I love that you brought that up, and I love the metaphor of the plant because it really is like we can't just go around watering everybody's plants all the time; like, we just have this one that we get to take care of.

 

Joey Mascio: Yeah. Well, and it's funny because we all know of a person in our lives who are like, man, they just look like they're enjoying life, they get along with everybody, right? I think it's because they tend to their mind garden, right? 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. 

 

Joey Mascio: I mean, it's like our brains are an atrium with all these plants of everybody we've ever interacted with, right? And those people who take the time to cultivate the thoughts they have for other people, those are the ones who are the happiest; those are the ones who like just seemingly can't be touched. 

Even we all know parents who are like, 'Yeah, their kid, you know, ran off to Germany and is running a tattoo parlor, and like doing the thing and living with their girlfriend, have a couple of kids and not living the life that you might want for them for, for example.' 

But they're like, 'Ah man, he's great, he's doing really good, we just love him.' Right? And it's just like, 'How are you doing that? How are you still--' Well, it's because they're cultivating their mind garden, and they're looking at those thoughts and they might not even be doing it purposefully. 

But a skill you do on accident, isn't really a skill – but a skill you do on purpose, that's a superpower. And so, if you do this on purpose, then you are really exercising your power of control over your results.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. And the interesting thing too is that when we can release our expectations of our kids and when we can just tend to our 'mind garden' – I'm totally going to use that, I love that word--   

 

Joey Mascio: Do it. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: It's a very Doctor Strange-y.

 

Joey Mascio: Nice.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I'm like, 'Okay, so we're going to tend to our mind garden, you know, and do our own thing.' When we release that expectation, I find that after our relationship does improve, then our children over time, do tend to improve also. 

 

Joey Mascio: Right?

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Like when they release that expectation of themselves and they're really free to just be who they want to be, then often, they do choose the ice cream over the poo, right? 

 

Joey Mascio: Yes.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Like when we're just like, when, and not just like we're trying to pretend like we're releasing the expectation, but we're not really – but when we actually do, they can feel that. 

They can feel so much of our energy and then they just get to decide, 'Okay, this is what I want to do or not because I know that mom and dad love me no matter what. Like, they're just there for me, period.' 

And I think that's-- I think that's the best gift we can give to our kids, is that inner belief, not just us saying it, right, but just like they can't understand our Klingon, like they understand our energy, right? 

So, when we not just say it, but truly believe that, then they'll feel that; it's like heart to heart, like energy to energy - they'll get that. And when they can release out of themselves, that's where all the-- You know, they don't have to go through all that emotional drama work; they'll just know, like, they can just-- Yeah. It's just good. The end.

 

Joey Mascio: Yeah. Yeah, the end; that's it. It's best thing to do, the end. And it's great. And for those of you like whose brains are like, 'Yeah, but my job, my job is to make sure they choose correct choices or these certain choices,' what if it's not? 

Just what if that's not your job? What if your job is to be there for them? I always like to picture everything as a movie, right, where the main character is your teen and you're just their mentor, and the teen might not listen to the--

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: You're their Yoda. 

 

Joey Mascio: You're their Yoda. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: You're their Yoda, right? Like you think you're like the Darth Vader – well, maybe not the Darth Vader – but like, you're supposed to be there sitting and controlling all of their things, but you're just the Yoda that, every once in a while, says something really contemplative and is helpful. You’re just there for them.

 

Joey Mascio: Yeah. And Luke's going to leave Darth Vader anyway, even though you tell him not to, right? He's going to go do the things you tell him not to, 'But you shouldn't do that.' 'Well, I have to.' And Yoda lets him go, right? 

But the thing is that Luke could always come back to Yoda, nobody in the audience, or even Luke was like, 'Well, I mean, Yoda was super manipulative and he kept Luke on Darth Vader; and he just guilt-tripped him and, you know, is he none of that?' Like, all of Luke's choices were on him. 

If Luke knew, your teen will know. If you're able to do this, your teen will know, 'All my choices are on me – I mean, mom was telling me this, but then letting me choose my own choices.' Like what the--  

And they'll be more willing to come back to you in the end, possibly; you can't even control that. But I think the chances are higher if you position yourself as someone who's like, 'Hey, make your own choices – I love you either way, this is what I advise… go live your life, I'm always here for you.'

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. And really believing that so that they feel it. 

 

Joey Mascio: Yes. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: But like, those mistakes that Luke made are what built his character. And we look at a movie and we're like, 'Yes, that's so lovely.' And we like can understand why Luke made those choices and still love him anyways, and he’s the best character ever – but then when it's our kids, we're just like, 'Oh, no, no, no, no… you should live a life free of any mistakes or pain or suffering or anything, and just somehow lovely turn into this, like, 'end of the Star Wars Luke', right? 

 

Joey Mascio: Yeah, the Jedi Master. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: We, like, want the end for them. And we forget like, but there was all these things in the center that were a little bit tricky and we don't want those for our kids. In our mind we're just like, 'No, this is bad.' But, what if that's not? Like, what if all of our kids are these just like little Lukes? Sorry, if you do not know what we're talking about in Star Wars here, but--

 

Joey Mascio: Star Wars, we have so many movie references in this podcast. My goodness!

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah; Marvel, Star Wars, all the things. Okay. So, but it really is like, your kid is in the center of their journey; they're in the center of their hero's journey, right? 

And we're looking at it and thinking, 'They shouldn't be doing this, they should be doing this,' when really that's exactly what they should be doing because they're doing it. And when we can just love them through it all, like then that's what that relationship focus-- I call what we do here, Radical Connection. 

And it's Radical Connection because it's a focus on connection and relationship, and just letting everything else just kind of dissolve away. And when we can do that, it's us just watering that garden, right? We're watering our garden. We're a lot happier, we're a lot healthier. And when we are, we have that connection and attachment to our kids; and they see that, and it grows, and it's just a lovely garden all around.

 

Joey Mascio: Yeah.

 

Joey Mascio’s tip for parents and teens: Action-line tip Vs. Thought-line tip

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Okay, so my last question for you is, what is one tip that you could leave us with that would help parents and teens today? Like one thing that you're just like, 'Yes, this is the thing.' If there's more than one, you can share more than one.

 

Joey Mascio: Man, okay. So, a tip, did you mean like an action-line tip or is this like a thought-line tip?

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: You can choose. You can choose.

 

Joey Mascio: I can choose?

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah.

 

Joey Mascio: Pretty good. My goodness.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: You can even do one of each, if you want.

 

Joey Mascio: Oh. Oh, okay. Alright. I will do one of each. Right. So, the thought-line tip, I would say, or like a mindset to give, parents, give your child the steering wheel to their life. They have it anyway; give it to them completely. 

And the part of you that's like, 'But they'll crash, but this is going to happen,' just deal with it – talk to Crystal, deal with it, and give your child that steering wheel. It is their life to lead; and however you want to position yourself right in the seat next to them – back seat, on a phone with them – they're hands-free, obviously. 

Giving them coaching – maybe a NASCAR metaphor goes here, however you want to do it, they are there. Because I always love to picture the teen trying to drive and mom sitting in the back seat, reaching over, trying to do the steering wheel right for them; it just doesn’t work. So, give your child the steering wheel to their life and realize they're going to be just fine. So, that's my first tip.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes. They're going to be just fine. I love that T-line tip. Okay. Give us the A.

 

Joey Mascio: Then the A, and this is more for how to work with your teens, right?

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: So, I have to say too, if you haven't listened to The Model Episode, A is Action line. So, he's going to give us an Action tip now.

 

Joey Mascio: Yeah. We're talking about T&A; it's not the other T&A that most people think of - This is Thoughts & Action. Okay. All right. So, the action here, because a lot of people ask me, 'Well, yeah, got it – I love the mindset stuff, Joey, but what do I do with my teens? Like, what do you do with teens I coach?' Right? 

So, this is one of the tools that I use, and it's to help them choose hero thoughts more than their sidekick thoughts. Alright. The way I always approach it and the way to talk about it with your teen, rather than saying, 'Hey, you can be the hero of your story,' which we kind of mentioned or, and then the assumption is like, 'You can be the villain'; I don't think that's even true. I think instead, we switch before being the hero and being a sidekick. 

Sidekicks are not in control of their fate or of their destiny, right? They need to be saved, they get in trouble if an obstacle is put in their way, they have to wait for a hero to come around and save them. Right? Ah, right. 

Sometimes teens or even adults have sidekick thoughts where, 'I just can't-- I can't do things, I need somebody else to change this for me.' But when we channel our hero – the hero that we are – and we have hero thoughts, we are more likely to live a ‘hero kind of a life'. 

When you are talking to your teen, and especially if they like Marvel or DC or whatever, especially if they view that, which most teens do, and which is why I feel this works very well be like, 'Yeah, you know, what's your hero title? What would you even like view yourself as?' You know? 

And for me, I like to use the framework, your name the blank, right? So, for me, it's, 'I'm Joey, the creator', and when I'm thinking like Joey the creator, I can solve problems, I can do things, I'm unstoppable. But when I'm 'Joey the complacent', which is kind of my sidekick title, I don't do things I'm acted upon and I can't get the things that I want in life. 

So, when you talk with your teen, so asking them questions, especially when they're struggling, ask them questions, 'Well, who do you want to be? What do you want to do? And that sounds pretty epic. That sounds pretty awesome. What if you were already there? What if you were that hero, like, how would that hero version of you get through this problem?' 

Heroes have problems, and they think it's fine. Sidekicks are like, 'Oh, great, this is a problem; things have gone wrong.' 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes. 

 

Joey Mascio: You know, nothing's gone wrong. Right? So, I give that to you parents to approach it with that. And by the way, both are fine; your teen is going to do both. Be the sidekick, be the hero; and one's not good or bad, right? One is just going to help them get to their goals, and the other one is going to be a way for them to learn and struggle as they try to get to their goals; both are necessary.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. I love that, so good. I was thinking like, you need to make a quiz of like how teens can figure out their, like, superpower like tells them what it is at the end. Anyways, that's so good, so good. Thank you. 

I thought that both of those tips were really, really helpful. Thank you for being on here and for sharing all of this knowledge with us. I think it's been a great episode. I love what you said and I just resonate with all of it so much, and I'm sure that my listeners are going to also. 

 

How to find Joey Mascio

Crystal The Parenting Coach: So, do you want to tell us a little bit about how they can connect with you? I'll also have it posted in the show notes, but go ahead and tell us how people can find you.

 

Joey Mascio: Yeah, you can find me on Instagram, first off; it's @joey_firmlyfoundedcoaching. It's a long one, but I make reels and Crystal likes them.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: They are-- They are very funny. I show them to people all the time, so yes, go follow him.

 

Joey Mascio: Yeah. Yeah. That’s all, and the reels help teens and even parents understand how their brain might be working in certain situations, and it's just in a funny, kind of laughable way. But then also, like, I'm part of Firmly Founded Coaching, which is a coaching organization that I started with a couple other coaches who are teen experts as well; and we coach teens and we help teens. We even have a coaching membership, just for teens strictly. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I love it.

 

Joey Mascio: It's called a Founded Teen. Yeah. And in there, there's weekly teen training rooms where the coaches get on; we talk about these principles and we use metaphors, and we bring teens on and we coach them, or we have them talk about what's going on in their life. And teens can choose to sit back and listen or participate. 

They get-- Right now, as we have it set up, they get one private coaching session a month with one of our teen expert coaches. And we have a slew of videos in our library, and it's just a phenomenal coaching membership for teens. There's nothing like this out there for teens in the coaching world. 

And right now, we are offering the first 30 days for free for your teen to try out. So, if you go to firmlyfounded.com/teen, you can sign them up for that, but make sure they want to; this isn't something that you sign them up for and they're reluctant. 

If your teen is like, 'No, I don't want to do that,' then it's just not going to work for them. But if your teen’s willing to try it out, then have--  Yeah, go check it out. Commit them to show up to two activities for the month, you know, and see how they respond to it; it will change their lives, if they will let them.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes. Yes. I love it. Just like all of us – coaching, it can, if we're going to, if we're willing to really put in the work-- And the work isn't so much like 'tons of time' work, but it's really more of the mindset, the emotional work then it does. 

 

Joey Mascio: The showing up.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. It really does change our lives. So, thank you. Thank you, Joey. And that membership sounds amazing. So, make sure, listeners, that you go and check that out. And thank you for being here.

 

Joey Mascio: Yeah, thanks for having me.


Crystal The Parenting Coach: All right. Bye. I hope you enjoyed today's episode. Make sure that you give it Five Stars on Apple, and check out my monthly membership for moms in the show notes.

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