S05|11 - Dealing with Teens with Elise Knox
Sep 26, 2022Elise is a life and wellness coach, yoga teacher, and former middle school teacher who works with moms and teens. She is fascinated by brain development and the nervous system and believes that understanding these two things can make teen years so much easier for mamas and teens.
What you’ll hear today:
- Elise’s personal struggle as a teen and what she learned from it
- Why it’s important for parents to also get support, not just our kids
- Therapy/coaching is for everyone, dropping the stigma around it
- What gets in the way of connection and why it’s SO important
Connect with Elise:
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Episode Transcript
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hi, I'm Crystal The Parenting Coach. Parenting is the thing that some of us just expected to know how to do. It's not like other areas of your life where you go to school to be taught, get on the job training, or have mentors to help you learn. Now, you can get that help here.
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Dealing with Teens with Elise Knox
Elise is a Life & Wellness Coach, yoga teacher, and former middle school teacher who works with moms and teens. She is fascinated by brain development and the nervous system and believes that understanding these two things can make teen years so much easier for mamas and for teens.
Hello and welcome to the podcast, Elise. I'm going to let you introduce yourself a little bit.
Elise’s personal struggle as a teen and what she learned from it
Elise Knox: Hi. Thank you for having me. So, my name is Elise and I am a Life & Wellness Coach who works with teens and their families. And I always like to say that this work started for me when I was a teenager; though, of course, I didn't know it at the time.
I was a really happy little girl and from a really great family; and when I got to my teen years, I just struggled like all the way through until, adolescence ends at 24. The more I learned, the more I'm like, 'Oh yes, of course, that's why that was happening.'
And I used to be a former middle school, or I'm a former middle school teacher; and when I had my daughters, I realized I really wanted to be home with them more than a teaching job allowed for.
So, I took some time off and kind of on my own-- I have some health challenges. I have an autoimmune condition. I found Health Coaching, and I loved it for my own health. And then, I also really loved working with parents on more interpersonal stuff, not necessarily like the diet and the exercise.
So, I went back and got a life coaching certificate, and found myself coaching in a middle school and high school working with teens again.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Oh, cool.
Elise Knox: And I was like, 'Well, I didn't see this coming.' And I also really, really enjoy working with teens in a one-on-one setting. And as a person working in the high school and middle school with teens, I realized it was really supportive if their families were part of the dynamic and the relationship. And so, I have since gone out on my own, and work with teens and bring their families into the mix.
Why it’s important for parents to also get support, not just our kids
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes. Okay. I love that. And I want to point something out for people that are listening too, because sometimes we will focus on getting our children, teens, kids, the support that they need. And we're like, 'Okay, they need a therapist or they need life coaching, or maybe it's medication or behavior therapy'…or whatever it is that we feel like they need.
But yet, we're not doing our own inner work also. And so, I love that you said that, that it's so much more powerful when the whole family is involved.
And so, if you're listening and you're thinking of counseling, therapy, coaching, whatever for your teen my go-to is always to find somebody that works specifically with the teens and their parents also.
So, my mom is a therapist that does that. Dr. Deborah MacNamara, who was on the podcast about a year ago, she can do that as well.
I'm sure that there's lots in your area if you want to see somebody in person, but when you're looking online for that, find somebody that is going to help you with both because it is so supportive to be working on your own journey and your own healing and your own…that relationship when you're working with your child also at any age.
Elise Knox: At any age, but I would-- I would say during the teen years, it is almost like more-- I feel like what I see with moms – especially moms who had challenges during teen years, which is most of us, I think we can raise our hands – those issues come up so strongly when you're watching your daughter or your son go through similar things.
And so, I really-- I think that we do a disservice in our culture of not having more support and it not being more open and regular that that's just what you do when you have a teen because it's hard.
Therapy/coaching is for everyone, dropping the stigma around it
Crystal The Parenting Coach: It is so hard. I was just talking to, I have some siblings that have teens and I have a teen and we were chatting last week and everyone's talking about therapy and like, 'Oh, who's your therapist?' And then, 'What are you doing and what's working for you?'
And it was this cool conversation, and I got home and I thought, 'That's not a typical conversation in a typical home probably.' Right? We're talking all about our new therapists, and the new modalities that we're using, and what's working for our kids and what's not, and what's working for us and what's not.
And I just thought how cool that was; and I was like, 'I want that for everybody, I want that just to be the norm.'
Elise Knox: Yes.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: I will do a caveat also and say that if you have a child – I would say, like – under-14, I think it's more supportive for the parents to get the support themselves so that they can support the child versus the child getting support.
And unless it's some, you know, more extreme situation, but then I think, you know, 14-and-up-ish, I don't know how old you kind of work with teens, but I think it's really helpful for both the parent and the teen to be getting help at the same time…and having the same lingo and, you know, just being on the same page with that help.
Elise Knox: Yes. Absolutely. And I mean, I typically-- It's funny, I was just realizing I have like a group of girls right now that all just started high school. So, that is typically-- They don't work with me in groups; they work with me individually, but that age is really when things are starting to really shift at home, and moms are starting to really see the need for support for their daughters.
And as we've just mentioned, I would say like, as much as I can support the-- If they choose to just go with support for their daughter, I weave in the support for the mom as much as possible so that I'm supporting both of them, even if I'm just primarily working with the daughter.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. Are you still working in-person at the school then as a life coach, or do you do mostly online now?
Elise Knox: I do online; and then for local clients, I do see some of my local clients in-person.
What causes behavioral changes in teens?
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Cool. Cool. I love that too. Okay. So, I have a couple of questions for you then. One is; you said things went really well when you were a child, and then the teen years hit and it kind of went downhill from there. Why do you think that is? Why do you think that happens where we get to those teen years, and it's more difficult for us? Or maybe in your situation, what do you feel like happened there?
Elise Knox: It's very interesting. I've thought about this a lot for myself and just trying to understand myself and, you know, having daughters coming into their teen years in the next few years.
I think a lot of it was for me, I was the youngest; I was different than the other members of my family. I took that difference and like took it to the 100th degree because of the shifts that are happening mentally for adolescents, brain development-wise.
And so, and then socially, just I think the class that I was in, the group that I was in – I grew up in a really small town – the people that I gravitated towards were not necessarily the kind, like gentle people.
I was really-- I gravitated towards kind of extremes, which is normal in adolescence. I think just circumstantially where I grew up, it was even more challenging because there wasn't really many groups to choose from.
Peer-Oriented Attachment Vs. Parental Relationship
Elise Knox: And so, I think this is so important when we have teens is to acknowledge that there is this super deep strong desire to connect with peers. And it's also so important to still have those really strong adult connections so that it's not only the peers that your teens are bouncing ideas off of and going to, and all of those things.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Just before this podcast episode, Elise and I were talking about books; and so I'm going to mention this book for everyone, but it's called Hold on to Your Kids by Dr. Gordon Neufeld.
And a lot of what he's talking about there is what's called peer-oriented attachment, which means our children orienting more and attaching more to their peers than to their parents. And whoever you're attached to is who you want to be like; you want sameness with them, you want to be close to them, you care about their opinion.
And so, if our teens are getting to the point where they're slipping more into that peer-oriented attachment, which I will mention is more common than to be attached to your parent. So, it takes a lot of like intentional effort to, kind of, to switch that pull.
But peer-oriented attachment is a lot more common and is typically what's usually happening in the world right now.
And so, when you start to see that – that they care more about what their peers think of them and feeling like that they want that belonging and that connection from their peers, more from their family relationships – it can really be a struggle to when you feel that pull…and you're noticing it, but not really sure what to name it or call it or whatever.
So, I highly suggest that book because it will teach you more about that.
Elise Knox's struggle with parental relationship as a teen
Crystal The Parenting Coach: I would love to know for you, Elise, what did that look like for you when you were a teen? Like, what did your struggle look like with you and your parents in that relationship?
Elise Knox: Yeah, so, it looked like me breaking all the rules, lying and doing all of the things that my parents wished I wasn't doing. And my parents were great; and I think for their generation, they were pretty evolved. And they were also on the authoritarian side of parenting, just traditional in a lot of ways.
We did have like a lot of conversations, like long talks that I remember dreading. And so, it wasn't like, 'Go to your room, you're grounded forever.' It was like, 'Let's have a really long conversation about this, and then you're grounded.'
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes.
Elise Knox: And so, I've just-- I lied a lot. I wasn't truthful with them. It's interesting; I was an exchange student in Italy my junior year of high school. I had a really bad breakup my freshman year that really changed the course of my life; I chose to go to Italy for a year.
And I was reading just recently letters that my mom and I had written back and forth because I saved them all; and what really stood out to me was, yes, I was like breaking all the rules and lying to my parents and doing a lot of really not amazing things…at the same time, the connection that my mom and I had was still really, really strong.
And also, when I was away from my social setting in Italy very far away, I was who I really was inside for those 10-and-a-half months. And the letters that I wrote really reflected like who I am even now.
But when I was in the setting of my small-town high school where like meanness and boys and drinking and partying was the cool thing, I was also very much that.
And so, it was really interesting to read these letters to really, because I have this view of my adolescence as like I was just a hot mess…I was, you know, like doing bad things, all of that. And at the same time, I had all of this wisdom and knowledge inside of me; and like, who I still am today in there as well. And I see that in my teen clients when I work with them one-on-one.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: That is such a cool experience to have where you, kind of, are away from that pull, right? Like, you know, Neufeld would call it the peer-oriented attachment, but they'd say it's a strong magnetic pull.
Like, it is hard to not feel that. So, when you're totally away from that in a completely different situation, that you really could be your authentic self, like who you are and tap to that amazingness because all of our kids have that amazingness – like you talked about all your clients, like every person has that. It's just helping them to like uncover it, and believe it, and find it, and live into it; that can be tough these days, for sure.
Teen challenges that Elise Knox encounters with her clients
Crystal The Parenting Coach: So, let's change directions for a minute; and I would love for you to tell us because you have a lot of teen clients, what are kind of some things that you see right now being issues or challenges that come up with them?
Elise Knox: I will say that the number one thing is that they all just really want to be like seen and heard by their parents, and that means like listening without judgment. And it means when you say like-- You know, I know in this world of parenting, there's all these tips and tools out there like, 'Okay, I'm going to ask them how they want me to show up in this situation,' which is something I talk to my mom clients about.
And if your teen says, "I just want you to listen", the mom's like, 'Okay, I'm just going to listen'. But then it's like you really have to just listen and--
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah.
Elise Knox: -not get mad and not be judgmental and not get upset; and that's so challenging. Like it's not an easy thing to do…but when I talk to my team clients, like, I think it's just this misunderstanding that they don't care what we think as parents.
They care so deeply what we think and how we feel about them, and they're also being their teen self. And so, it's like that's the number one thing that my teen clients say to me.
What gets in the way of connection and why it’s SO important
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Oh, I love that so much. Because I feel like when parents come to me it's the same thing. Like, I'm trying to instill listen then too. Like let's just listen, let's--
Because what you described is actually the definition of connection. Connection is like being seen and heard and valued. And so, that is what we all as humans have as our like deep base human need, everyone needs that.
And so, they're just like starving for this. But I think that sometimes our, like, wanting to teach them gets in the way because we're like, 'Oh we need to discipline, we need to teach, we need to change this behavior.' And it becomes more of the focus than connection becomes the focus.
And you know, obviously, on this podcast, I speak all about connection-based parenting; and so it's switching that focus to connection versus the correction. Like we'll have years to be the correction person, and we can find little moments where we can do that too.
But we have 99% of our focus beyond correction with the 1% being like, 'Oh let me sit and listen to you.' Like versus the opposite. Right? Spending the 99% of the time connecting. And you'll find too that the correcting goes way down because you don't need to do it as much if you're spending time connecting.
Elise Knox: Yes. And another thing that I think is so important is like that your teen is getting…brain development-wise, like they're able to understand other people's emotions, that other people have other emotions than them.
And so, they actually also desire that you share candidly with them. Like, you know, if you're going through financial struggles and you're really stressed out, you don't have to put that on them; however, they want to know what's going on with you too…like really, what's going on for you.
And so, I think I have some mom clients that are like, 'Well, I never want them to see me cry or I never want them to--' And it's like no, like they respect when they see that you're a real human and that you're showing them your humanness…and it's allowing them to show up in their humanness too.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Oh, I love that. Because I think we so often feel like we have to be this strong character for them all the time. And like, yes, we do want them to feel safe and secure in our relationship and we need to show that we have that.
But also, if we're constantly showing this like stoicness, if we're constantly showing like perfection in our parenting…we're not teaching them that we're human, that we make mistakes, how they can make mistakes, how they can respond to them, how they can empathize with people like – that all emotions, the whole spectrum of emotions are totally normal. Right?
They're going to be raised thinking that it's not normal, that it's not okay when they feel anger. I've had clients like this also who felt an intense amount of shame whenever they would feel anger because when they were younger their parents didn't ever show that.
That's not the norm. Typically, my parent clients, their parents showed a lot of anger but-- And they think it would be amazing if they never showed anger. And I'm like, 'Actually, we just need to show how to respond to it in healthy ways.' But anyway, so I think, you know, showing them our humanity is one of the best gifts we can give them.
Elise Knox: Yes, absolutely. And I would say the third thing that like really comes up a lot with my team clients is the challenges with – because I typically coach girls – with friend relationships.
And just kind of what we were talking about earlier, that they…oftentimes, teenage girls are struggling to identify what their values are, what their strengths are, and how to show up in them fully with their peers because – like we talked about – the pull to peer relationships and to fit in and to be cool or whatever it is that you're trying to do, sometimes it's to stand out…is so strong that they lose touch of that true self of who they really are.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes. Yeah. And, don't we all? Like, isn't that just like such a normal human thing for us to, like, even as you're listening to this podcast, you're probably thinking to yourself as you're listening, like, 'Oh, I've definitely lost touch with who I am at some point in my life.' Maybe that's now, maybe that was in the past.
But it's tuning back into our authentic selves, like who we are outside of our roles as mom, dad, whatever, whatever other roles at work that you have and in life that you have. And just like, who am I? And when we can do that for ourselves, we're going to be a lot better prepared to help support our teens do that too.
Elise Knox: Absolutely.
Elise Knox last tip on parenting difficult teens
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Okay. So, my last question for you is if there was like one tip that you could leave with people that feel like maybe parenting their teens/tweens might be a challenge right now, what's something that they could take home today and use?
Elise Knox: I'm going to come back to connection with self.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Okay.
Elise Knox: I like to say you can only be as connected to others as you are to yourself.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: 100%. I say the exact same thing.
Elise Knox: I think I like use my own words, but Brené Brown really talks about that in Atlas of the Heart when she talks about connection; and I could not agree with that more.
And so, really having a practice, a daily practice, where you are checking in with yourself; and I think it's so easy to-- Like when we have a few moments we scroll and we're like, 'Well, I'm learning tools to become a better parent.'
And we're looking out to other people to tell us what we need to do. And that is great sometimes, for sure, especially if you're having a specific problem. But having time every day where you are taking long and slow deep breaths. I personally, am a fan of journaling because it helps me to process all the stuff that's going on in my mind.
And I like to use a rating scale for how I'm feeling in different areas of my life each day to kind of get me started in journaling. And so, I created my own, like I'm a 1 to 5 in my health, I'm a 1 to 5 in my parenting; and that just really gives me like a starting point.
And then, I can also go back and see like, 'Oh, (A) it goes up and down…so when I'm in down I know that it's going to come back up.' And also, like, I can go back and see maybe when things started and what I can do next time to shift them a little bit.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Totally agree. I agree with all of that. I call it thought work journaling, but it's like just dumping everything out that's in my brain on the paper; I love that.
I just agree with everything that you've said; I think it's amazing. And I think I'm just going to end by saying if there's one thing you could do with your relationship with your teens, it's to work on your relationship with you; it's to connect with you, it's to take time for stillness, like inwards, exactly like what you said, Elise.
How to connect with Elise Knox
Crystal The Parenting Coach: So, thank you so much for sharing that with us. And before you go, will you just let our listeners know how they can connect with you?
Elise Knox: Yeah. I am on Instagram @EliseKnoxConnectionCoach. And my website is EliseKnox.com; and I do have a Communication Guide to help with communicating with your teens, which is EliseKnox.com/communication. And that is because that is like one of the number one things that moms come to me with is, how do I talk to my teen without triggering them?
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah.
Elise Knox: Yeah, I think communication is so helpful. And I follow the non-violent communication format, which is first connecting with yourself and discovering how you're feeling and what you need before ever going and having a conversation.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: I love that. Love that. Okay. Thank you so much for being on the podcast today.
Elise Knox: Yes. Thank you for having me.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Thanks for listening. If you'd like to help spread this work to the world, share this episode on social media and tag me, send it to a friend, or leave a quick rating and review below so more people can find me. If you'd like more guidance on your own parenting journey, reach out.
