S07|09 - Parenting Passionately: Elevating Your Sex Life in Marriage with Amanda Louder

Sex in partnerships is often an overlooked subject- but something that affects every other aspect of our relationship too. How do we move past sexual shame and have a vibrant and healthy sex life? What steps can we take if we’re struggling with intimacy, low-desire/high-desire in sex or to make things fresh and new if we’ve been together for several years? We dig into all of this and more on today’s interview with Amanda Louder. 

Amanda Louder is a Certified Sex & Marriage Coach who helps Christian men & women overcome their obstacles to create a more emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically intimate relationship.  She is also the host of the Sex for Saints Podcast which has over 1.2 million downloads.

In addition to being a coach, Amanda is also a wife to Kevin, and mom and stepmom to 5 kids, ranging in ages from 14-23.  In her spare time, she enjoys reading, watching her kids play sports, fishing, and camping.

What we talk about today: 

• What’s keeping us stuck from a healthy sexual relationship
• How to deal with sexual shame so we can have the kind of relationship we desire
• Low-desire and higher-desire partners
• Helping women achieve orgasm
• How to have a shame-free environment in your home so you can teach your kids sexuality in a healthy way 
• What steps we can take right now to create better sex and healthier intimacy in partnerships

Connect with Amanda: Website
Social media Instagram
Sex for Saints Podcast

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Coaching has changed my own life, and the lives of my clients. More connection, more healing, more harmony, and peace in our most important relationships. It increases confidence in any parenting challenges and helps you be the guide to teach your children the family values that are important to you- in clear ways. If you feel called to integrate this work in a deeper way and become a parenting expert, that’s what I’m here for. 

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Episode Transcript

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hi, I'm Crystal The Parenting Coach. Parenting is the thing that some of us just expected to know how to do. It's not like other areas of your life where you go to school and get taught, get on the job training, or have mentors to help you, but now you can get that help here.

I believe that your relationship with your children is one of the most important aspects of your life, and the best way that you can make a positive impact on the world and on the future. I've made parental relationships my life study, and I use life coaching tools, emotional wellness tools, and connection-based parenting to build amazing relationships between parents and their children.

If you want an even better relationship with your child, this podcast will help you. Take my Parenting Quiz, the link is in the show notes. Once we know what your parenting style is, we will send some tips tailored to you and a roadmap to help you get the most out of my podcast. 

 

Welcome to today's episode, Parenting Passionately: Elevating Your Sex Life in Marriage with Amanda Louder.

 

What Amanda Louder does

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Sex in partnerships is often an overlooked subject, but something that affects every other aspect of our relationship too. How do we move past sexual shame and have a vibrant and healthy sex life? What steps can we take if we're struggling with intimacy or low desire or high desire in sex? Or how do we make things fresh and new if we've been together for several years? We dig into all of this and more on today's interview with Amanda Louder. 

Amanda Louder is a certified Sex & Marriage coach who helps Christian men and women overcome their obstacles to create a more healthy, emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical, intimate relationship. She's the host of the Sex for Saints podcast, which has over 1.2 million downloads. In addition to being a coach, Amanda is also a wife to Kevin – and a mom and stepmom to five kids, ranging in ages from 14 to 23. In her spare time, she enjoys reading, watching her kids play sports, fishing and camping.

 

Hi, welcome to today's podcast. I'm excited to bring you a really fantastic episode interview from someone. I was on her podcast just recently as well, and it was a really great conversation; and I knew as soon as we talked that I needed to have her on this podcast. 

So, I bring you this interview. And just a little warning beforehand, if you have little kids in the room, we are going to be talking about Sex & Intimacy in a probably open and pretty comfortable way…so keep that in mind for little ears that are listening. Welcome, Amanda Louder, to the podcast. Hey, Amanda.

 

Amanda Louder: Hi. Hey, Crystal. So, happy to be here with you.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hey, I'm happy too. So, tell us what you are. What do you do?

 

Amanda Louder: So, I am a certified Sex & Marriage coach. I've been coaching for, gosh, almost five-and-a-half years. And I love talking about Sex & Intimacy for women and men, and then in couples – like, all day every day; it's my favorite thing.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hey, I love it. I think that this relates to parenting so well, because I think that everything kind of is connected, right? Like if you have like issues in parenting and like, I don't really know how they parent or how to parent, and we don't-- we're not really on the same page here - or if you have issues when it comes to like Sex & Intimacy or just your own personal relationship…everything is going to be interconnected. 

 

Amanda Louder: Yes. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: So, you might be listening and being like, how does this have to do with parenting? I really think it has everything to do with parenting.

 

Amanda Louder: It does. It totally does.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: So, whether or not you're married or not – you have a partnership – I want you just to be considering throughout this whole episode, what can I take away from this and how can this relate to my own relationships in my life? And even if you're not in a current relationship with somebody, I'm sure you'll be able to get something from this.

 

How Amanda Louder got started as a sex coach

Crystal The Parenting Coach: So, what I first want to do is ask you how you even got into this. Like, how does somebody just wake up one morning and is like, "I want to be a sex coach, that's for me."

 

Amanda Louder: Yeah. So, this has been a lifelong dream; I wanted to be a sex coach as a child. I'm just-- That's totally kidding. Nobody's like growing up going, yes, this is what I want to do for a living. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes. 

 

Amanda Louder: But it's something that just, kind of, I fell into. So, I got married really young. My first husband and I were virgins when we got married, so we didn't really have a lot of knowledge of Sex & Intimacy – and even our own bodies and how they worked. And so, sex was a really hard part of our marriage for a really long time. I pretty much hated sex. I didn't--  

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I feel like so many people are like, 'Yes, yes, I can relate to that.'

 

Amanda Louder: Yeah.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: If you're if you're relating, yes, keep listening.

 

Amanda Louder: Yeah. So, I mean, even if you, you know, had sex before you were married, something happens when we get into marriage and things change in the sexual relationship. 

And so, I didn't understand my body. I didn't have an orgasm for like 12 years. I hated sex and I would pretty much just do it every once in a while. Like when I couldn't like, put up a fight anymore just to get him off my back for a little while. 

Our marriage was really hard; it struggled in a lot of different ways, not just sex. And so, I thought maybe if the sex got better, then our marriage would get better. And so, I started like reading books and watching-- Oprah had this like TV show on her network that had two sisters that were doctors that specialize in sex; and so, I was like diving into everything that they had. 

And I really had to work really hard to overcome my own sexual shame. I felt a lot of shame about my sexuality. I thought there was something wrong with me. 

And when I was a teenager, I thought something was wrong with me because the idea of sex was really enticing to me and I had a lot of sexual feelings; and then I got into marriage, and that was completely gone. And so, then something was wrong with me there because I didn't have anything. And so--  

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Like, shame on both ends – not sexual, not over-sexual. Yeah.

 

Amanda Louder: Totally. Yes, yes. It was shame on both ends. And so, I really had to do a lot of work to overcome that sexual shame. And so, the sex actually did get better in our marriage, but our marriage was still terrible. And so, we ended up getting divorced. 

And then I married my second husband; and he had been married previously, so, you know, we both had some experience a little bit now. And so, so we were able to talk about things really openly and honestly before we got married. 

And he was like, do you like sex? 

And I was like, yes, yes, I do. Because I'd gotten to that point where I actually did like it. 

And so, we've made sex a really important part of our relationship, our entire marriage. And I think, sometimes when things aren't working well in other parts of our marriage, it's where we can come back together and really create the goodness that our marriage needs. And then, that spills over into other parts of our relationship. 

So, with being a blended family, we parent very differently – and we have very different philosophies and experiences with parenting. And so, that's probably one of our biggest struggles in our marriage is parenting. But then sex is a place that where we actually come back together, and create this beautiful relationship. 

And so, I thought about going back to school to become a therapist, but then I was introduced to coaching; therapy just seemed like it would've been such a long road. And I was raising five kids by myself – or well – with him, I had three…he had two, and then so together we had five. 

I was a stay-at-home mom and just doing like school full-time, and that just seemed like so overwhelming. But then I found coaching, and I felt like it was a really good fit.

And so, I first started coaching women who were struggling in their marriage and contemplating divorce since I had been through a divorce myself. But I quickly realized that many women were struggling because of sex. 

And then I went on a girls; weekend with a bunch of other coaches, and, you know, the topic of sex came up like it often does on those girls' weekends; and by the end of the weekend, they were like, 'Amanda, you have to change your niche to sex because we've learned more from you in a weekend than we have in like 15 to 20 years of marriage.' 

And I was like, Ooh, I don't know if I can do that. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. 

 

Amanda Louder: But the longer I thought about it, the more I felt like it was actually what I was supposed to do. And I discussed it with my husband, and he was really supportive. And so, I went all in; and I've been doing that ever since, and it's been amazing.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: That is awesome. That's awesome. And he's supportive too, because you probably talk about your sex life fairly openly now, and so--  

 

Amanda Louder: Yeah. Yeah. That's not his favorite, but--  

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. 

 

Amanda Louder: But he's a stud, so it works.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Oh, that's awesome. I think it's interesting what you said too, like how you can connect through Sex & Intimacy when like other areas you don't necessarily connect in. And I think a lot of people can relate to like not being on the same page with parenting. 

 

Amanda Louder: Yeah. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: And so, if you're listening to this episode and you have not yet listened to the episode specifically on how to get on the same page, make sure you go tune into that episode as well.

 

What you should do when struggling with Sex & Intimacy in your relationship

Crystal The Parenting Coach: So, let's dive into Sex & Intimacy, because I can so relate to this in my whole life, for sure. But then, also, even recently, going on a girls' weekend and sex came up again and talking to all of these women who, from the outside, everything seems pretty like good. 

Like they seem pretty confident and seem like they have good relationships. And like every single person talked about shame and sex. 

 

Amanda Louder: Yeah. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: And there was only like one lady there that was just like, yeah, I don't really like deal with that. We all kept asking her questions like, how did you not?

 

Amanda Louder: Yes.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Because I have done my own kind of work to go through this, and I'm still doing that, but it's just interesting that it comes up for so many people. 

 

Amanda Louder: It does.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: And I think that that is definitely one of the things that blocks you in sex. So, let's dive into that. Just tell us all the things; like if you are struggling in your current relationship when it comes to sex, what should you do?

 

Amanda Louder: Well, I mean, it depends on what you're struggling with exactly. But I think you know as a coach; it always comes down to relationship with self. And if you've got a lot of that sexual shame, then that's what we have to deal with first, is we have to work through--  

I do a lot of somatic work with my clients; I know you do that as well to help release a lot of that shame that they're feeling and help them have a better relationship with themselves so that they can show up better in the bedroom. 

A lot of what holds us back is that shame; either I'm not sexual enough or I'm too sexual. Like I've hit both of those ends of the spectrum, like you said. 

And that's one of the reasons why I love coaching on this, is because I've been the low desire partner, the lower desire partner; I'm also a higher desire partner now. Like my husband and I are pretty close, but I've got him beep by just a little bit. Talking about it all-day, every day…keeps my desire up pretty high. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah.

 

Amanda Louder: But I think that's really the crux of it, is overcoming that sexual shame, realizing that your sexuality is a really integral piece of who you are and who you were created to be. 

And recognizing that it's like by, if we stuff it away and don't think that it's important, that you're missing a piece of yourself – you're never going to feel completely whole without it. Like, I talk to a lot of women that are like, "I just feel this hole in my life, and so I'm like trying all these hobbies and…like, going to go back to school or get a job or whatever." 

And I'm like, if you would recognize that what you're actually missing is this erotic energy-- And so, erotic energy comes from the word eros, eros energy, which is the life-giving energy. It's really what drives our creativity; and this wonderful life that we want and we have, that's what drives it. 

And so, if you're missing that in your life because you are separating yourself from your sexuality, then you're missing a key element. 

Then there's the other end of the spectrum where you feel it alive inside of you, but then you think that there's something wrong with that that maybe like your fantasies or your desires are not wholesome or good – or that your partner will judge them or whatever that is for you. 

And so, the shame can come that way and really realizing like; we all have a different erotic map, we all have things that turn us on…and that's unique to every single one of us…and that's a really good part of who we are. 

Now, there's things that turn us on that are maybe outside of our value system – and I don't necessarily suggest like going out and doing those things, but playing with that energy and that those desires can create a lot of really good things in your sexual relationship. So, realizing that it's a good and important part of who you are.

 

How do we move past sexual shame, and have a vibrant and healthy sex life?

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Okay. So, where did this sexual shame come from, in your opinion? 

 

Amanda Louder: Everywhere.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: So, when people come into partnership and they're like, 'Now I'm not having the great sex life because I noticed that there's shame either because I'm high-desire or low-desire or whatever.'

 

Amanda Louder: Yeah. I think it really comes down from the conditioning that we've received in our families, in religious culture – and then just in society, at large. 

Especially for women, sex is looked through with such a male lens; that everything is based on male sexuality. Like male sexuality is the right sexuality and female sexuality is not, and female sexuality is very different than male sexuality. 

And so, if you think that there's something wrong with you because you are different than your partner or a man or whatever it is – then, of course, then you're going to feel a lot of shame around that. 

But if you realize that it's – you know, female sexuality and male sexuality are very different, and they're supposed to be different and embrace those differences, then you can create a lot more goodness and play. And like, having those masculine and feminine energies and different ways of looking at things is really important in a sexual relationship.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: What would you say those differences are, the masculine and feminine? Like I know a lot about masculine and feminine, like energetics and stuff – and the difference there, how does that relate to sexuality? How does that--

 

Amanda Louder: Well, I mean, men tend to be more the powerful and the giving, where women need to be more in the receiving end. I mean, that matches up with our genitalia too, right? 

But like, let's look at orgasm, for example. Men's orgasm happens very quick and it's precise; and it needs to be that way biologically-speaking because it's needed to perpetuate the species. 

But women's orgasm, like a lot of times if it doesn't take the five to eight minutes like a man's does, then we're like…it's taking way too long, there's something wrong with me, I'm broken. Right? 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah.

 

Amanda Louder: But women's orgasms don't need to be quick and precise because they are there purely for pleasure and enjoyment. And so, I coach conservative Christian couples – men, women and couples; and that's really the lens that I look at things through. 

Even though, I mean, I have clients who are not religious – and I have clients who, you know-- But I kind of, you know, whether it's God or your higher power or whatever you want to look at it, I really think they created us women that way because we are doing so much in our life for other people.

We are constantly giving, giving, giving; and this is our chance to receive. This is our chance to sit back and relax and be taken care of and nurtured, and nourished through our sexuality. So, we want our orgasms to take a little bit longer. 

And male sexuality tends to be more generous in nature; they get a lot of their pleasure out of watching their partners have pleasure. And so, we're just not very good receivers. So, if we can sit back and be more of a good receiver, it can totally transform our sexual relationship by just letting ourselves be nourished through our sexuality.

 

How to unshame sexuality to our kids

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I love that. Okay. I have a few really good questions, so I hope we can get to them all. The first one would be if we want to…say, we're raising our children and we're just like, 'Okay, well, I don't want to be teaching them this sexual shame.' 

 

Amanda Louder: Yeah.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: They're probably going to get it in culture. They might get it at church, they might get it in their community or their friend group or whatever. How can we be that safe space to kind of unashamed sexuality for them?

 

Amanda Louder: Yeah. I think really talking about it openly; and let them know like, "You're going to be hearing things different than this – at church or in the community, or just in society – and I want you to know what I think about it." 

And you know, the way that I talk about it with my own children – because I've got five, right now they're 15 to 23…you know, they're a little bit older but – is like, "Your sexuality is always a good and important part of who you are and who you were created to be, you just have to decide what your values are around sexuality and how you want to be in relationship to your sexuality to create goodness in your life and in your partnerships." 

So, you know, I have-- My oldest child is not religious at all. He has different values than I do around sexuality, but he's living according to his values and his integrity with himself around it. And I think that's a good thing, even though they're different than mine. 

I think we have to strike a balance. And this is also a good thing to talk to our kids about, about we don't want to indulge in our sexuality. It doesn't become-- It can be a safe place for us – a place where it lowers our anxieties and creates goodness in our life. 

But it's not something that we need to indulge in, but it's also not something that we need to repress. It's finding that balance of like, okay, according to my values, how do I want to be in relationship with my sexuality; and then support that. 

I think that's what I talk to all of my kids about and help them. I let them know, like, if you feel like you're going one way or the other, either towards indulgence or repression, let's talk about it because we can talk about it and help you come back to that center – and back to that integrity, and find that within yourself.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I love that even though your son has different values than you do, but you're able to teach it in a way that's non-shaming. Because I think that's often where the shame comes in is when we're like, 'Well, this is my value system and this is the way that you should think, so I'm going to teach you it this way.' 

Then they're going to innately feel the shame of like, 'Well, I'm doing it the wrong way,' if they have different values than you – instead of allowing them to listen to themselves, like, what do you think is important? 

And listen to yourself, and not in a way that's either indulging or repressive – but listen to your, like, inner self…like your real desires there.

 

Values Vs. Behaviors in regards to sex

Amanda Louder: Yes. And I think it's really important-- One of the things that I talked to my kids about is values are different than behaviors. So, like, behaviors follow our values, hopefully – if we're in integrity – but like, really looking at what your values are, because that's different than just behaviors.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: So, if I find myself in this-- You know, I'm on the-- I see the spectrum of like…okay, indulgence over in the end where it's like, really, would that be like hypersexual or something like that?

 

Amanda Louder: Yeah. I mean, depending on what your values are. I mean, we would look at more like hypersexuality or maybe pornography is not in your value system – the behaviors – but like looking at that…you know, having sex with multiple partners, or having sex outside of your relationship and your partnership unless--  

I mean, if you have an open relationship and that's part of your values, then that wouldn't be outside of that. Right? But like, looking at your values and what that looks like compared to the life you're living.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Right. And then you look on the other side, like where it's repressed, where you like; don't think about it, don't talk about it…shame yourself for having sexual feelings.

 

Amanda Louder: Yes. And thoughts and any sort of behaviors.

 

Where to start in embracing sex & intimacy in your relationship

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Right. And so, if people that are tuning in feel like they're kind of on one or the other ends and they're like, 'Yes, I understand that Sex & Intimacy is important and that it's going to be able to help my relationship, but what do I do now?' Like, what would you actually tell them to do as a first step, I guess?

 

Amanda Louder: Well, identify what is your values, right? And then, what behaviors that you currently have do not align with those? And then work to change the thought processes and the feelings and actions to make you more in alignment--  

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: In alignment.

 

Amanda Louder: -whatever that looks like.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Okay. I think that sexual shame is probably fairly common, that's what I like--  

 

Amanda Louder: Oh yeah. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: -and people talk about a lot. So, what tools or tips would you have for somebody that's kind of on that end of it where they're just like, 'Yeah, I understand that I want to have a better relationship with my partner, but I'm feeling shame.' How would they start?

 

Amanda Louder: Well, just noticing where that shame comes from. Like, why is it there? I mean, for most of my clients, they think that it's protective; that it's protecting them from swinging all the way to the other end of the pendulum and being indulgent. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah.

 

Amanda Louder: But really, it's about finding that balance, right? So, I always have my clients go through a somatic experience where like, they identify where the shame is, talk from that shame; why it's there, what it's protecting them from. 

And, you know, and then find another part of them that is strong and powerful, that can take that over and assure them that they're safe in their body and in their sexuality – and that they don't need to have the shame anymore, and process those feelings to work to release them. 

And it's not a one-and-done process. It's definitely something that has to happen over and over, but it really is like assuring yourself that you're safe and that you'll keep yourself safe and in alignment with your values without feeling that.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I love that. It's like noticing what those shame stories are and being able to kind of disassemble that, and be like, 'Wait, what do I actually believe about this?' 

And like you, I think that doing-- When we use the word somatic – for anyone that's listening that's like, 'I don't know what that is' - that just means in your body, like going into your body. And so--

 

Amanda Louder: Yeah. What it's not trying to outthink it, right? 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes. 

 

Amanda Louder: Like, we try to-- A lot of times, we try to outthink it, and that just really doesn't work. I feel like shame is one of those emotions that kind of gets just stuck in your body. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: In your body, yeah. 

 

Amanda Louder: And so, we have to go into the body to release that rather than just trying to outthink it.

 

How to get over subconscious beliefs that hinder you from enjoying sex & intimacy in your relationship

Crystal The Parenting Coach: For sure. I think if we have subconscious beliefs that have been there for a long time, especially in connection to shame, that it needs to be processed in the body. 

 

Amanda Louder: Yeah. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: So, I love that you said that – going through that experience. And I'll mention a couple other modalities for those of you that are listening that are looking for something, I've heard really good things about EMDR. I haven't tried that so I can't tell you.

 

Amanda Louder: Yeah.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. But EEFT, like tapping can be helpful. We do kind of a process of like processing your emotions, kind of similar to what you're talking about right now - and also hypnotherapy and breath work are also two really powerful modalities. 

So, if you're like, "Yeah, I do want to start working on this," those are a couple areas to start. 

 

How do we make things fresh and new if we've been together for several years?

Crystal The Parenting Coach: What I'd also like to know is if you've been married for a while and you're like, 'Okay, our sexual relationship is okay, like, it's doing all right, but we've been married for a long time or been together for a long time.' What would you encourage couples to do to kind of make things new or different, or kind of like spice things up if they feel like they're kind of in a doldrum space?

 

Amanda Louder: Yeah. Well, I mean, there's lots of things that we can do to create newness; new locations, even introducing-- I think that sex needs to be a very sensual experience as far as like bringing in all of the different senses. 

So, even like getting a candle or playing some music or – you know, something like that can be getting like a massage oil or something like that can be really helpful in just changing something. 

I'm a big fan of couples going on vacations without the kids. Like, even if it's just overnight in a hotel in the same town--   

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah.

 

Amanda Louder: Just to get away and do something different. I mean, there's always like toys or lingerie or whatever – and those are great. But I think the biggest thing for couples that especially been married a long time is, how do we--  

It's not just about like novelty and toys and stuff like that, but it's really; how do we create deeper meaning in our sexual relationship? How do we-- You know, how can we love each other more through our sexuality? How can we have greater trust and understanding through our sexuality? How do we create greater safety in our sexuality? 

And when you could start to really like, open up and create that deeper intimacy and safety and trust and love through your sexuality, I think that can create such deeper meaning and then your sexual experiences are a lot better.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. And do you mean within the context of sex specifically? 

 

Amanda Louder: Yeah. Yeah.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Or just like in-- Okay.

 

Amanda Louder: I mean, I think in general too, but even within sex. I'm not advocating that this is what you need to do; but I had one couple that I was working with that we had worked through a lot of their issues and things were going really well and they were ready to take things to another level, to create deeper meaning in their sexual relationship. 

And so, they decided to start trying some light bondage. Again, I'm not advocating for that, but that was their way of doing it and which worked for them. And so, like, you know, he started like just tying her up a little bit; and that required her to be so much more vulnerable, and create so much more safety and trust. 

It was deeply erotic and also very, very bonding for the two of them – creating those deeper meanings in their relationship. They could not have done that – you know, a year ago, five years ago, 10 years ago – because they didn't have that safety and trust.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: That's a good example. Okay.

 

What to do when struggling to orgasm

Crystal The Parenting Coach: So, one last question that I want to ask is; for people that are struggling to orgasm because, like you said, it took you 12 years. 

 

Amanda Louder: Yes. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I don't know how long it took me, but it was a long time, for sure. I definitely think it was related to, like what we talked about, the shame – for sure, was in there. How would you suggest they start getting started? They're like-- I remember talking to someone who was just like, 'It doesn't really matter, I'm fine.'

 

Amanda Louder: Oh yeah.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I'm like, you should figure--  

Amanda Louder: You really should.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I think that is kind of a common theme; is just like, 'No, it's okay, I'll just be okay without it.'

 

Amanda Louder: Yeah. I think some women, like, it's been such a struggle that they finally just have to release it and think-- and like, work to be okay without it. But having a deep understanding of your own body is really important. 

So, less than 1% of women can't orgasm, so that's not very many; and most of those are due to spinal cord injuries. So, if you are not having orgasms, you're either not getting enough stimulation, the right kind of stimulation, or we need to work on your mindset around it. 

So, depending on what it is-- So, I mean, a lot of women just don't spend enough time; they think that they should orgasm in the five to eight minutes, like their husband does. Women, some women, depending on how aroused you are – stuff like that – it can take 45 to 60 minutes or more.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: That's such good knowledge and information, right? When we're like, 'Wait a second, it's been five minutes.' Right? And you're like, actually, it's a while.

 

Amanda Louder: It can take a long time for some women. So, like, I mean, I was to say 30 to 45 minutes – completely normal – or more. Sometimes you need the right kind of stimulation. So, 80% of women orgasm best through oral sex, oral stimulation. 

Some people just need more stimulation than humanly possible – so getting some sort of toy, either a vibrator…or my favorite is a clitoral suction toy that just-- Some women just need a little bit of stimulation and some need a whole lot. 

I'm grateful that we live in an era that there are toys. So, getting…you know, whether that's manual stimulation, oral stimulation, or a toy or whatever. 

Most women do not orgasm through penetration; only about 25% of women can orgasm through penetration. And that has nothing to do with the size of him or you; it's actually biological in how far apart the head of your clitoris and your vaginal opening are, that's really what determines it.

So, just know that if that doesn't happen for you, you're normal. That's okay. And then we need to work on other things. 

And then the mental part of it; what's going on in your mind during this? Like, are you thinking like; is it taking too long? Is he bored? Like, this should be happening--   

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Or thinking about all the things you have to do or something, right?

 

Amanda Louder: Is something wrong with my body? Or my to-do list, or whatever. Like, there's so many things, and so that's why we have to look at the physical side and the mental side. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. 

 

Amanda Louder: Occasionally-- So, a lot of people are like, 'Well, I think my hormones are just off, or whatever,' that can be true – but it's like, very little…like most of the time, it's not hormones. So, I think that's, we like to just blame our hormones on everything. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. Yeah. 

 

Amanda Louder: And it's rarely hormones. It's usually something else. So, I mean, I always suggest go get them checked, make sure that it's not that. But for most women, it's not.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: And have you coached people through menopause, and it typically isn't hormones in relation to--

 

Amanda Louder: I mean, if you're going through menopause or even perimenopause, hormones can definitely affect it – but you're usually going to just have, you're going to have other symptoms too. 

So, like if it's just like count orgasm or something, then it's probably not hormones. But if you are like having trouble orgasming, penetration is painful, you're not lubricating very well, you're having hot flashes, you're not sleeping well…yeah, hormones are probably a bigger culprit.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Right. Okay. Yeah, this was so much information. Thank you.

 

Amanda Louder: Yeah, sure.

 

How to connect with Amanda Louder & the Sex Camp retreats

Crystal The Parenting Coach: It was so good. Okay, rave about your – I was going to say sex camps – they're probably like retreats.

 

Amanda Louder: It is. Yeah. We affectionately call it Sex Camp.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Okay. I have had-- I've had some long conversations with Amanda about her camps because I think that they're amazing; and I would definitely go to them, I just haven't been able to yet because of other conflicts and time and stuff – but one day, I will be there. 

 

Amanda Louder: Yeah. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: And I would love for you to tell us about that. So, somebody who's like, 'Yes, I totally agree with this, I want help and support right now.' I know you have some other ways to support people too, we'll talk about, but first tell us about your sex camps.

 

Amanda Louder: Yeah. So, I hold retreats usually every February in St. George, Utah – southern Utah, you can fly into Las Vegas or sometimes people can get a flight into St. George depending on what airline they want to fly. 

But it's the first weekend in February – so, this year. For 2024, it's February 1st through 4th. It's a Thursday night through Sunday morning, all-women; it's so much fun. 

So, I rent this gorgeous house; I bring in a chef to cook all of our meals, I hire a yoga instructor to come in the mornings, I hire a dancer to come and teach us a chair dance routine. I teach-- I have some other guest speakers that come and teach all about your relationship with yourself and your sexuality, and how to make that better. 

The highlight of every retreat is boudoir photography. So, I have a team of Hair & Makeup and photographers that come in, and we do boudoir photography for all of the women. And it can sound really scary, at first. Like people are like, 'Ooh, I don't know about this.' 

But like some people are like, 'No, I don't want to do it.' And of course, whatever you want, you are like…it will be honored. 

Some women are just like, 'No, I'm just want to, like-- I'll just do like headshots or something.' And, that's totally fine. 

But most women will, like, they see how much fun everybody else is having doing it, and so they get into it. 

The difference in the countenance on these women faces from when they go into the room and when they come out…I mean, it's remarkable. It's so good because these women are finally seeing themselves as beautiful and sexy and amazing. 

And like, if you want to give them to your husband, you totally can…but it's not for him, it's for you. It's really helping you see yourself in a new and different way. It's so much fun. It's so much fun. We have a great time.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hey, and do you do couple's one still? I know you have--  

 

Amanda Louder: Yeah. I do couples usually in the fall. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Okay. 

 

Amanda Louder: So, I have one coming up September of this year. And then, I'm sure I'll probably do one next fall as well.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I'd also love for you to tell us about your program. In case anyone is like, knows for sure that they want to work with you already, what do they do?

 

Amanda Louder: Yeah. So, depending on who you are and what you want-- So, I work with women in my membership – it's $49 a month. We do live coaching calls once a week. There's monthly classes, there's a course you go through-- Actually, there's multiple courses you can go through, but it's really a lot of really great information. 

And then, of course, once you're in the membership, then you can also book private sessions with me. But I always tell people like, the reason you want a private call is because of the sexual shame that you're feeling.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes. 

 

Amanda Louder: And so, just come onto a group call and we can work through it.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Just come onto the group call.

 

Amanda Louder: Yeah.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Then even just-- Even just doing that is going to help with that shame, right? 

 

Amanda Louder: Yes. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: To get out there and like talk about it.

 

Amanda Louder: The same reason why you don't want to come to a group call is the same reason that's holding you back in the bedroom. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes.

 

Amanda Louder: So, I always encourage that, but people still book private calls with me – but you can only get one-on-one calls with me if you're in the membership. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Okay, I love it.

 

Amanda Louder: And then, I do small group coaching for men. So, if your husband-- And this isn't just like low-desire men, this is just like men who want a better relationship with their sexuality; and hopefully, help make their sexual relationship with their spouse better. 

So, I get a lot of men who are like, my wife needs to do your program. 

And I was like, you need to do my program because you can't fix your wife, but you can't fix you. 

And really for men, it's really about how them show up – again – in integrity with themselves, but also from a position of strength because based on how we've been cultured, a lot of men get into one of two positions. 

They either go to the nice guy; like, I'm just going to like do all the things that she wants and hopefully earn sex – which is not attractive, men. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah.

 

Amanda Louder: Like, yes, we want your help. We want you to help with the kids and the dishes and all that, but not because you're trying to earn sex, but because you're an equal partner in this relationship.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Oh, Amen. Yes.

 

Amanda Louder: Okay? And then, the other end of the spectrum is these men who feel very entitled to sex. Like, you know what? We're married or we're in a committed relationship…you owe me. I'm the man, I have needs - it's your job to fulfill them. 

Both of those positions are weak positions, and they're not attractive. What women really want is a man who knows that he is worthy – that he can ask for his desires and if they aren't met, that he can handle himself and--  

So, like, you know, I desire to have sex with you. 

And she's like, no, I'm not in the mood. 

And he's like, okay, I will be okay; and handle your own disappointment without getting pouty or whiny or mean or withdrawing or anything like that. 

Like, we want a strong man who can show up in his sexuality, but also respect ours and our wishes and desires. So, that's really what I work on with men in my men's program. And then I also take a few couples, a one-on-one; so, that's a lot more limited because I only have so much time.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hey, this is all so good. I cannot wait to go to one of your retreats/your program one day when I'm in the world-- on the same continent. 

 

Amanda Louder: Yeah.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: This has been so helpful and so amazing. We'll have links below to everything; your podcast and your, all--  

 

Amanda Louder: So, my podcast is called Sex for Saints. So, just a lot of really great information like we've talked about today. So, I literally talk about everything. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: And you'll listen to me on there too. 

 

Amanda Louder: Yes, come listen to Crystal on there.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Oh, thank you so much, Amanda. This has been so--   

 

Amanda Louder: You're so welcome. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: powerful, so informative; and I know it'll help so many people. So, thanks for being here.

 

Amanda Louder: Thanks for having me.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Thanks for listening. If you'd like to help spread this work to the world, share this episode on social media and tag me – send it to a friend, or leave a quick rating and review below so more people can find me. If you'd like more guidance on your own parenting journey, reach out.