S2 E01 - Natural Parenting

Have you ever heard of what “radical” actually means? It might not be what you think! Let’s uncover its basic meaning and how it relates to our natural parenting styles. Once we can unpack our own emotional and mindset baggage, connection is at our core. As humans, we are naturally wired for connection. As we age, limiting beliefs, others opinions, and situations around us arise that cloud our natural connection and inclination to parent in a positive way. Just like this thinking clouded us, it can be unclouded as well, let’s figure out where to start.

What we cover in this episode:

• How natural this form of parenting is
• Client examples of natural parenting despite lack of “knowledge”
• How you are your own parenting expert already
• Digging through the emotional and mental baggage is what uncovers this inner expert

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Episode Transcript

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hey, I'm Crystal, a certified life coach and mom of four. In this podcast, we combine radical connection and positive parenting theories with the How-To Life Coaching Tools and Mindset Work to completely transform our relationship with our children.

Join me on my journey, unleash your inner parenting expert, and become the mother you've always wanted to be. Make sure you subscribe wherever you listen to your podcast and rate this podcast on Apple, and check out my transformative monthly membership for moms in the show notes.

Hi, welcome to Season 2, All About Parenting. This is Episode 1, Natural Parenting. 

How Radical Connection relates to Natural Parenting

So, I want to talk a little bit about the word Radical. I know I've talked about it in an episode before what Radical Connection is. And I had a friend text me this definition of Radical once we were talking about it, and this is what it says, "Of or going to the root or origin; fundamental". So, I love that idea. 

So, it's not that it's just different from what everyone else is doing or different from what culture or society is doing; but it's also that it's going back to the root. It's going back to the origin – how it was always supposed to be. 

So, when I think of that, I think of natural. It's like natural parenting styles. It's what we all would do naturally. Now, you might be thinking, 'That's not true, I'm naturally a yeller,' just like how I used to think, that that's just what came naturally to me was impatience and yelling.

Client examples of natural parenting despite lack of “knowledge”

But it's really that there's just all of this stuff going on in our brain. There's all this stuff going on with us; we don't know how to handle emotions, we don't know how to deal with negative thoughts, we don't know who we really are. A lot of us are people pleasers, right? 

There's all of these, kind of, things going on that are blocking our ability to access our natural parenting power. So, I'm going to explain this through three different client examples; 

Client Example #1

Back when I very first started coaching, I had a lady come to me and we were coaching on Parenting. And she mentioned this one incident, and I can remember it clearly because I remember how interesting this was. Now, if you don't remember my episode about the model, go back and review the episode about the model.

So, in the model that she had, I can't remember the exact thought was, but it was something like he shouldn't be this way. So, her son who was young, I don't remember the age, had thrown a water bottle at a mirror and smashed the mirror to like pieces. 

So, we were kind of just analyzing that situation; 'What was going on there? What were you thinking? What was he thinking?' You know, 'What are you think about how you felt, how you showed up in that situation?' 

And so, we had a great conversation about it, and we really kind of worked through her thinking and worked through her emotions. And as we were doing this, I said, "Well, what could have been different? Like, what do you think could have gone differently?" 

And she's like, "Well, if I hadn't been thinking, you know, he shouldn't be this way." And I was just realizing like, okay, he's struggling or he's having a hard time or he's upset about this thing, then maybe I would've felt a little bit more compassion. 

And so, I just kind of had her think about the whole situation from beginning to end. And I said, "What would've been different, do you think?" I didn't give her any hints? I didn't give her any ideas or tell her how to answer, I just said, "What do you think would have been different?" 

And so, she said, "I think I would've connected with him more during the day. I think I would've noticed that he was getting a little bit more agitated before he totally blew up. I think I would've been able to tell that he needed a little bit more connection, and a little bit more love throughout that day because I could see a little things bothering him more than what they usually did. I think that in that moment, I would've just like sat down and, you know, gave him a hug and connected with him; and not tried to convince him that what he did was wrong or anything like that, but just show compassion for him and just love him in that moment." 

There's a few different other things that she said that I can't remember the exact wording of. But I remember thinking, 'Wow, that is fascinating because here is a mom who hasn't read all the parenting books that I've read – all of the connection-based parenting books from all these experts and authors – and what she told me; every single thing that she told me would be in her A-line, going back to the model, her action line; was word-for-word from what these books said. Right? 

See if there's something kind of going on behind the behavior; connecting with your child more, loving them, showing compassion for them in that moment, helping them kind of move through that tantrum in that space. 

Everything that she said, I remember having the distinct thought of like, 'Wow, these are all the things that it teaches in all the books that I read’ and she hasn't read any of them.' I thought that was just fascinating. 

And it was the first kind of thing that came to my mind was; maybe we don't need to be reading all the books, maybe we don't need all the things, maybe we don't need the scripts as to what to say to our child, or, you know, the little like soundbites of like, 'Okay, we'll do this or do that.' 

And I love following those Instagram accounts that tell me exactly what to say and do; I think it can be really helpful, but it's interesting because I just don't know if it's necessary. 

Client Example #2

So, I'm going to give you another client example. I’m working with a mom, but also her spouse with their relationship with a few of their children; and one in particular. 

And we're kind of talking about how they're feeling and how they're thinking – and the same thing, they had these expectations for their child; their child wasn't doing what they kind of hoped they would do – and they were feeling really frustrated and disconnected. 

And we kind of moved through those emotions and those feelings. And as we were able to move through them and they were able to get us to a space of compassion – I always talk about getting to a space of curious compassion – they were able to think about, 'Well, what's going on behind the behavior? What do I think could be happening here?' 

And when they started thinking about what could be happening there, they also started coming up with solutions, 'Well, I could probably sit with them more. I could probably connect with them more, you know, in the morning when they wake up or after school.' 

They listed off a bunch of different ideas of what they could do to help with their connection with this child. And same thing, I remember thinking, 'That's interesting, they haven't read any of these books. They didn't even know about positive parenting before they came to talk to me. And I haven't given them that much knowledge about what positive parenting is; we're just starting to work together.' 

And yet, they were able to see this future, this natural parenting future in which they were more compassionate and more connected. And they were able to see that that is something that they could do. And in fact, when we kind of got down to it and got rid of their-- You know, there's a lot of mom guilt, and a lot of shame, and self-judgment that comes with parenting. 

And when we could kind of remove all of that and just say, "Well, what are you doing good right now?" They listed off at least seven things that they were doing that was amazing; they were trying to connect, they were trying to be loving, they were trying to spend time together, they were, you know--  

There were so many things that they had told me in that moment that they were doing. And I was like, 'You're already doing it. You're already doing this parenting style that I'm here to teach you to do. You are just not even noticing that you're doing such a good job.' 

So, that was another really interesting one. 

Client Example #3

So, the last example I'm going to give you is another couple, same thing; I'm working with a mom and her husband is also coming to the calls. And we're talking about this curious compassion space, which it was really easy for them to go to; it didn't take long for them to go to. 

And so, as we're talking about, 'Well, what could be the reasons behind your child's behavior?' Things that came up were; they're really having a hard time in school, they probably think that they're dumb, they probably think that nobody likes them, they probably think they don't have any friends, they probably feel kind of given up on. 

There was all these thoughts and feelings that came up. And when they could really sit in that space of like, they're really struggling – this child is really struggling, and these are probably all of the reasons behind their struggles – then it was easier for them to start coming up with what we call creative solutions. 

So, creative solutions are ideas that come to our mind that we don't even notice we're blocking when we're feeling frustrated, when we're feeling upset, when we're mad that they're not being the way that we want them to be. 

So, like I've said in the past, expectations don't have anything to do with them. We think that it does – but expectations have to do with us, and our behavior, and how we show up as a parent when we have them. 

So, when they release those expectations and they moved into a space of curious compassion, their ideas were amazing. They were like, this idea came to my mind where I was just kind of like, you know, going to make morning time and getting ready in the morning, fun and engaging and like blast music. 

It totally diffused the whole situation, and they had a great morning. There was so many little ideas that came to them when they were able to, instead of come up to the situation with judgment for themselves and for their child or with frustration – instead, to come with curious compassion.

What the 3 client examples have in common

Now, what was interesting about all of these three examples – and this has happened over and over and over again with clients in my membership as well – but what I noticed from all of these situations and scenarios was that they didn't need to be told what to do. 

They were already doing the things. They already knew what to do, deep down. There was all of these ideas that came to them. And it's not like they know if the ideas are going to work; I remember one client telling me one idea of what they thought might work, and then they tried it – and sure enough, it didn't work. It didn't help. It made it the situation worse. 

And so, then they changed it and tried something else. So, it's not like they knew that they were going to work, but those ideas, those creative solutions were completely blocked from them, when they had these, kind of, stuck beliefs and stuck-up motions happening. 

They didn't need to sit down and read a 300-page parenting book to figure this out. I've read loads of parenting books over the years, but we read the parenting books thinking, 'I need help. I need a solution to my problem and maybe this will help me,' when really the answer is deep down inside of us already; it's just stuck. 

So, I've noticed this pattern over and over and over again. And it's just really added to my belief that we truly are our own parenting experts; we really are. We know what to do. It's so natural. It's so radical. It's going back to the origin, back to the root; it's fundamental. And once we can dig through everything else that's going on externally, we will be able to get back to that route. 

What gets the natural parenting power stuck? The external factors

So, I'm going to talk a little bit about what's going on externally, and why this is getting to be a stuck thing for us. 

1. Stuck beliefs

So, one of the things it gets blocked by is stuck beliefs. So, what a stuck belief is, is it's a thought that comes in, and then it just gets kind of stuck in our head. So, a thought might come in, that's totally bizarre and off the wall, right? 

Like I'm a unicorn or whatever, like some totally random thought – I'm sure that you've had those. I have them all the time, and I don't even really give them a second notice; they come in and they just go out. But if a thought comes in that's like, 'My child's a terrible person' or 'My child is really annoying, or 'I can't handle this', or 'I'm a bad mom'; those thoughts come in, and they start to swirl around, and they get stuck.

Now, they get stuck because our brain starts kind of repeating them; we start thinking them over and over again. And even if we don't notice consciously that we're doing this, it gets stuck in our subconscious and it starts repeating. 

And the problem with it repeating itself over and over again is that it's also looking for evidence of why it's true. So, once we have that thought stuck in our mind, our brain is going to be the storyteller that it is; and it's going to immediately start looking for evidence of why that thought is true. 

'Well, you're a bad mom because you yelled at your kids.' 'You're a bad mom because you slept in this morning.' 'You're a bad mom because you haven't read to them this week.' 'You're a bad mom because your house is a mess.' 'You're a bad mom because all the other Instagram moms look like they have it together, and you don't.' Right? 

So, all of these little things, which may or may not even be true, our brain is feeding to us as evidence. It might not even be true evidence, right? It's just evidence of that story. So, that's why a belief gets stuck. That's why a thought gets stuck. 

2. A thought error

Another way to think of it is as a thought error. So, there's kind of like an error going on there, and we don't even notice it. And the problem with having these thought errors is that it is keeping us stuck from creative solutions. 

And the creative solutions come when we're feeling clarity, confidence – when we're feeling compassion and curiosity and love’ those are where the solutions come from. And it's hard for us to even see that there could be a solution when we're feeling that way, when we're feeling anger and frustration and overwhelm and self-doubt.

3. Emotions

Another thing that can keep us stuck is our emotions. So, we can feel really, really intense emotions. And like I've said in the past when emotions are high, logic is low. 

So, when you're feeling a really intense emotion, you're not going to be thinking clearly or logically. So, guess what doesn't come to you? Creative solutions; at least, logical creative solutions, right? 

It might be like, 'Well, I'm just going to run away forever, I don't even want to deal with this.' Right? Some solutions might come, but they're probably not going to be very logical or very helpful. And that's happening because we're feeling a really strong emotion, and we don't know how to process emotions. 

So, if you haven't listened to my podcast episode where I talk all about processing emotions, make sure you do that. And I also talk about these stuck beliefs in these thought errors; and I talk about what to do, and that's called a Thought Dump.

Thought Dump Review

So, I'm just going to review that really quickly. A thought dump is when you just lay all your thoughts out on paper. 

So, if it's a stuck belief that has to do with you and one of your children, write their name of the top of the page and write down everything that you think about them; they're really hard, they're difficult, I don't know how to handle them, they don't want to be with me, they don't want to communicate with me, they yell all the time. 

I want you to write down all of those, because again, we're going to think they're very factual and very true. So, you're going to go back and you start sorting through them, which of these are actually true? And by actually true, I mean, factually actually true. 

So, if we could have a video camera following you around all day, what would it see? So, maybe, 'My child yelled' – maybe that could be true. But 'My child yells all day' – might seem very true to you, but it might not be factually true. 

So, I want you to underline the facts, and circle the thoughts. Then we're going to kind of just set the facts aside; we're not going to do anything about those right now. And we're going to go through the thoughts one-by-one. 

And we're going to just poke tiny little holes in these little thought stories that we have. So, things like, could I see any evidence of the opposite being true? So, if one of my stuck thoughts is, 'I'm a terrible mom,' let's just imagine for a second that we're not, that we're actually an amazing mom. 

Can we see any evidence of why that's true? Would somebody else have a different story about this situation than us? Does this belief feel good? Is it going to help promote me to change or to create the result that I want in life? 

So again, if I'm thinking I'm a terrible mom, I'm probably going to be feeling shame or guilt or discouraged or disappointment – what kind of parenting do I think comes from that? 

Hint, not the kind of parenting that we want to come from that, which is interesting, because we get in the cycle of like, 'I'm a bad mom – Shame – Worse parenting; I'm a bad mom – Shame – Worse parenting'. 

And we don't even notice that that is all coming and being driven by our thoughts; that's what's happening there - these stuck thoughts and beliefs, and then also these stuck emotions. So, you can do some work on just sitting with your feeling, processing those feelings, allowing yourself to feel it. 

How burnout affects natural parenting

Another thing that can happen is burnout. We cannot be taking care of ourselves. So, burnout is huge when we're feeling burnout and stressed out and overwhelmed, we're also not going to be able to come up with these creative solutions. 

And when we're not allowing ourselves to feel our emotions, usually, what we're doing instead, is resisting them or numbing out or doing something else – and not kind of processing through those either, which is why they can also be kind of stuck problems happening in our lives. 

Learn to say, No: The negative impact of people-pleasing on parenting

The last one that I want to talk about is people-pleasing; and not just people-pleasing, but kind of the general problem here is we're not being true to ourselves. 

Our brain and our mind and our heart is saying one thing and we're doing something else on the other side; it's kind of like having a mask. We have this mask of like who we're trying to be, and what we think society wants us to be – our friends or family want us to be. 

And we're being that so often that we're getting burnt out, and overwhelmed, and stressed out. So instead, kind of ditching that people-pleasing and starting to say, "No more"; having clear boundaries and saying "No more" is actually compassionate for you, and compassionate for the other person. And it's also showing them your true self, the real you, the 'You-st' you that you are. 

So, the goal here is just to live a little bit more every day into the 'You-st' you. If you're hardcore people-pleaser, which I totally was; I call myself a recovering people-pleaser. If that's been something that you've dealt with for a long time, it's not going to change overnight, but maybe you can just do a little thing. One little thing that I heard in the book Essentialism was a 'soft No'. 

Maybe when inside, I want to say no, but I have a hard time saying no, because I always have had a hard time saying, no; instead, I'm just going to say, "Let me get back to you, let me check my schedule and I'll shoot you a text later" – something that's kind of like a no, but not totally a no yet; and then you can give a no later what is easier. So, if you have a hard time saying, no, you can do that. 

The other thing is you don't have to give people a reason, right? You can just say, no, you don't have to feel like you have to constantly back it up with a reason of why you're saying, no, but learning to be more you and be less of this masked version of you is going to be so much more freeing, so much more energizing. You'll have more energy for you and your relationship with you, and then also for your relationship with your family. 

So, I just want you to think about that idea of radical is natural; this form of parenting is natural. And now what are you going to do to help you move through these stuck beliefs, these stuck emotions, and people-pleasing, and overwhelm and burnout so that you can kind of go through that and become the parent that is already deep down, become your own inner parenting expert. 

If you want to help with this, check out my monthly program for moms. That is what I designed it for. See you next time. 

I hope you enjoyed today's episode. Make sure that you give it Five Stars on Apple, and check out my monthly membership for moms in the show notes.