S2 EBonus - My Why

I LOVE talking about “my why” and I don’t do it nearly enough… I felt inspired to add this bonus episode to season 2, to share all about why I do what I do. It’s not just to help the moms… but to help the future generation of humans in a fuller, richer way. To do my part creating more a emotionally intelligent, empathetic and resilient future. These tools and philosophies that I use in my coaching are powerful and can change your life. It has been amazing and completely rewarding to see how they have changed the lives of so many of my clients. Being on a purpose driven path in life has filled me with an energy and ambition that I didn’t know I had.

What I go over today:

• My why
• An amazing opportunity this year

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I would be honored to be your coach and help you get the changes you want to see in your life. I have come so far, completely turned around my life and my relationships with my children, I know what it takes and how to make it happen. You can use the links below to get more of my content and learn about my monthly program By Design, where I provide monthly training and live coaching to help you build radical connection in your life.

Link to membership: By Design

Find me on the ‘gram: The.Parenting.Coach

My website: coachcrystal.ca

Get my free parenting course here: Free Parenting Course

Application for 1:1 coaching: Apply Here

Episode Transcript

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hey, I'm Crystal, a certified life coach and mom of four. In this podcast, we combine radical connection and positive parenting theories with the How-To Life Coaching Tools and Mindset Work to completely transform our relationship with our children.

Join me on my journey, unleash your inner parenting expert, and become the mother you've always wanted to be. Make sure you subscribe wherever you listen to your podcast and rate this podcast on Apple, and check out my transformative monthly membership for moms in the show notes.

Hello there. Welcome to this Bonus Episode. 

How my Why came to be

So, this bonus episode is coming at you in Season 2, because I was just listening to an audiobook and this lady was talking about her Why. 

Well, it was actually a guy referring to this story about this Olympic athlete and how, whenever she would talk about the Why behind what she was doing, she would just get so teary-eyed because she was so passionate about it. 

And it reminded me about when I was talking about my Why, which I've only shared with a couple of people – I think my mom, and one of my best friends – and they totally got teary-eyed talking about it because I feel so passionately about it. 

And this guy was talking about how, you know, people need to be spreading their Why. And I love, you know, Simon Sinek's Ted Talk on the power of Why as well. And I thought, 'Yeah, I really don't talk a lot about my Why.' 

So, you might have already guessed what you think my Why is because you've probably already listened to Episodes 1, 2, and 3 of Season 1, where I talked about my story with my son and how we totally transformed our relationship; and how we're at such a better space now, and everything's amazing. 

And that is definitely part of it because I want to help other moms get to where I am from where I was. That whole transformation and that whole change definitely has a part to do with it, but that's not actually the reason that I do what I do. 

The reason behind my Why

I have thought about working with children or working with teens, and I've done some work with teens. I actually have a digital course for teens called Your Superpower Brain, you can check it out on my website. 

I've taught that in person to teens, and I loved it. But I just felt a real drive and a real pull to work with the moms, because I think the mom is like at the epicenter of change in the home. 

I think that as she changes, everything else around her shifts and changes. So, I work with her to kind of change not only her family or her community or her circle of influence, but also the future generations and their circles of influence as well.

And, this is why. So, when I think back onto the way that most of us were raised and past generations, not even just the generation above us, but the generation above that. And honestly, I see that even in our generation as well, there's loads of people that still parent this way. 

Why I advise against fear-based authoritarian parenting

When we parent from that fear-based authoritarian parenting style – where we're using yelling and bribes and threats and timeouts – what happens with that is that our children don't actually understand what's going on when they're little; they don't make all of the connections. 

So, for instance, you tell a child, you know, "I know that you stole a cookie from the cookie jar, it's not okay that you did that," and you get mad at them, and you yell at them. 

It might be obvious to you like, 'Okay, this is the connection – they stole a cookie from the cookie jar, and now I'm putting them in their room for a timeout,' or 'now I'm yelling at them or chastising them.' 

They don't necessarily make those logical connections, especially when they're in their emotional brain, right? They're not going to necessarily make that connection. 

So, even though we make that connection, they might be making the connection of like, 'Oh, I did something wrong' or 'there's something wrong with me,' or 'they're mad at me.' Or they might not even really understand where the wrongness came in there; this comes into play a lot with emotions.

So, maybe our child is having a tantrum, or maybe they're older and they're having a meltdown or they're just yelling or screaming or talking back – and we start yelling and screaming and talking back at them, and maybe we put them in their room or we steal their phone from them, or we take away the Xbox or take away some privileges or whatever. 

Looking at it from the outside perspective, we'd be like, 'Okay, that makes logical sense – they did this, so I did this, so they will learn this concept from me; they will learn this thing.' 

But it's not as easy as it sounds, because when they're feeling really emotional like that, they're really intense in emotions, right? They're probably feeling hurt or anger or sad or frustrated, upset. 

And so, that emotion is really strong. And when we separate ourselves from them, and we're saying, "What you did here is wrong," or you know, "What you're do dealing with right now is wrong," they internalize that – they personalize that. 

And so, they're going to be thinking, 'Okay, this emotion is wrong.' So, this intense level of anger, this intense level of sadness, this intense level of hurt, whatever I'm feeling inside – I like to call that our big emotions – those big emotions that I'm feeling, those big feelings I'm feeling, those must be wrong; they must be a problem, something within me that's going on right now must be a problem. 

So, not only does it foster some shame of like, there's something wrong with me, especially if they don't really understand what it is. And I know looking from the outside, you're like, 'No, but it makes such logical sense.' 

Well, I'm talking about what's going inside. In their human emotions, in their human emotional brain, they're not necessarily making like (A + B = C). They're just like A + B = XYZ23. 

Like it doesn't-- It just doesn't make the logical sense that we think it does. 

Why negative parenting in childhood affects adulthood

So, for instance, child has meltdown, they're yelling and screaming super intensely, and you're like yelling and screaming back at them, 'This is not okay, go to your room.' Right? 

You've probably-- You can probably see where this is coming from; this is totally how I parented. So, you send them to their room. In their mind, they're thinking like, 'This strong, intense emotion that I'm feeling is not okay. And if I feel this way, then I'm disconnected from my parents, then I'm separated from them.' 

And the separation there is very physical in a timeout, but the separation could be emotional, if we're screaming or yelling at them – or if we're taking something away, they could still feel that emotional separation. So, the lesson here is in the end, they might not actually learn the lesson you think they're learning. 

So, the lesson you might think you're teaching them is, it's not okay to yell or scream or swear or slam doors, but they might be feeling like, it's not okay to feel this emotion, it's not okay to feel this way. 

So, when we shame their emotions, they shame their emotions – they don't feel like those emotions are comfortable or okay. So, this really breeds kind of a culture of people-pleasing, where we try to make people just happy and comfortable and easy to be around because we don't know how to deal with discomfort. 

We grow up into adults who don't know how to deal with discomfort, we haven't been taught how to deal with it. And by discomfort, I mean those big emotions; we don't know how to deal with other people's big emotions. And so, that's why we people-please, right? 

We're like, it's a lot easier if everybody else is just happy and calm and quiet and easy and simple, and life's just simple – so, let's not throw in anything uncomfortable here. So, we grow up into adults who are people-pleasing. We aren't really true to ourselves or vulnerable or authentic. 

I'm taking a course right now called Dare to Lead through Brené Brown’s a certified coach; and it's amazing. It's talking all about shame and vulnerability; and I love how this ties into parenting as well, because we really turn into these people that aren't--  

We're not okay with our own emotions. We don't know how to deal with our own emotions. We over-Netflix, we over-Facebook, we over 'all the things'. We don't know how to process our feelings. We aren't comfortable with other people's feelings. 

So, then when our kids start freaking out and yelling and screaming, we do the same thing because it's very triggering for us because we don't know how to deal with that either. 

So, this is kind of a long answer, a long story of my why. 

So, we grow up into these adults who then have to discover all of this, right? We have to discover like, 'Okay, why is this bothering me? Let's do the work around that. Let's heal this little part of ourselves that needs healing so that we can do better, so we can change.' 

We spend our adult life trying to learn how to live intentionally, learn how to feel our feelings, learn how to be okay with crying – that it's not a weakness – learn how to be okay with who we are, learn who it is that we even want to be. All of this happens through decades of being an adult. Sometimes it never happens, but sometimes it does. And what I want to do, is collapse that timeline. 

So, right now, that timeline is happening for like, it's taking our entire life to get there – to get to these emotionally intelligent and resilient – to become these emotionally intelligent, resilient people. 

Why I do what I do

And so, we look at our children and we're like, 'Oh, we want better for them. We want them to be emotionally intelligent and resilient adults. We want them to be able to handle things. We want them to love themselves. We want them to accept themselves, and to be who they want to be.' 

And we have this idea in mind, at least I do, and I know a lot of my mom-friends have this in mind. If you're listening to this podcast, you probably want this for your children as well. But we don't actually know how to get there. We don't know how to parent in a way that fosters emotional intelligence.

So, my Why isn't about the moms, at least, it's not just about the moms; my Why is about the children. I foresee a future where the next generation and the generations after that, don't have to spend decades of their life finding themselves or healing or learning emotional intelligence skills. 

And obviously, I don't plan on anybody ever being perfect, but we're going to know these tools already, inherently. So, I hope that my children know how to feel emotions, know that emotions are okay. 

I hope that they know how to handle failure and that failure's okay too – and that shame is a natural human emotion that we all deal with. And that, you know, there's discomfort in growing and in changing. And reaching goals means that we are going to have to step out of that comfort zone. 

There's so many things that I hope that they learn. I see them learning that through my parenting style and through me role modeling that behavior to them, and that is the Why behind I do what I do. 

I want to see this next generation of people that are growing up now and their people that they'll raise to be emotionally intelligent people, that they'll know how to do all of those things innately; and they won't have to spend decades of their life, figuring it out and relearning all of these things that they could have learned when they were younger. 

And this is a very idealistic idea, obviously, to just think that everybody change and whatnot, but I just want to do my part to affect the family, the moms, and then the moms affecting the family and the moms affecting the community, and the moms affecting their sphere of influence in any way that I can.

And that really is the Why behind why I do what I do. That's what I see possible in this new and burgeoning way of parenting that has not been around for very long. Most of the books that I've been reading have only been around for 10, maybe 12 years or newer. 

There's not tons of research about it. There's definitely getting to be more and more and more; and it's awesome, and I love it. And I'm meeting more and more people who parent this way, who coach in this way, who influence people in this level of parenting; and I love that, and I just want to be that change. 

I just want to help make that change in families and in homes. And I know that as the mom changes, as she learns to love herself – accept herself, be confident in her and her parenting abilities – that is really where the change will happen.

The change happens from the inside-out – from her to her children, to her family, to her community, to her sphere of influence. 

And I'm so grateful that I got to be a part of that in my client's lives – and not even only my client's lives, but even in my listeners' lives, I had a couple messages over the last couple weeks of you guys listening and saying how much you loved the podcast and how it was already changing your relationship with your kids; and that just lit me up.

I was like, 'It's working, it's helping, it's doing-- it's doing what I feel called to do, it's my purpose.'

This is my purpose in life, guys. So, thank you for being here on this journey with me, and thank you for listening to My Why. And, I know it wasn't a very succinct description, which is maybe why I don't talk about it all of the time. But I love what I do, and I love that I get the opportunity to help my clients do this as well. 

An amazing opportunity this year

So, if you are feeling called to make this change in your parenting journey, if you are feeling that inkling of like, 'Yes, there is a different way I probably could parent'; maybe you know a little bit about connection-based parenting or positive parenting; maybe you know a lot but you're just struggling with implementing it; maybe you want to learn more – that is what I can help you with. 

So, my monthly program for moms, I know I've talked about it a couple times on here, but my monthly program for moms is doing this exactly. It's like a self-paced course; I give you videos and lessons that you go through on your own; but then also, it's a guided and interactive course. 

So, every week there is group coaching calls, there's a community, there's guest experts that come in; there's a lot of little extras that you get there. So, make sure you check that out on the show notes. And if you don't have the show notes, just go to www.coachcrystal.ca. 

Once you get there, you can get my free parenting course called Radical Connection on the main page, or click on the Work With Me section, and you can find all about By Design there. 

Also, I wanted to mention that I am opening up three spots for one-on-one coaching. Now, this is not for everybody. This is going to be a totally different thing that I've done in the past. 

Typically, I work with people for 6, 9, 12 weeks. And I've definitely, you know, resigned and worked with people for longer. But what I find is that the learning doesn't change – like after a couple of months, something will pop up again in a little bit of a different way. 

And we're like, 'Oh wait, how do I handle that? Oh, wait, what do I do with this?' And so, we call that spiraled learning. So, we're kind of implementing and integrating the same themes and the same ideas and learnings over and over and over again so that we can really get them. 

So, when I made my change with my son, if you've listened to the first to the third podcast, you'll hear that – when I made that change with my son, it was about a year later that I really noticed that there was huge changes in his behavior. Like massive, like 90% of changes were-- It was in intense. 

And that happened because of me and the changes that I made in my parenting style. And so, I really want to see that change in my clients as well. I want to see that huge and long term and sustainable change, so I have opened up three spots for that. 

So, it's a 12-month program. It's a program where I'm going to be there every step of the way guiding you in helping you along. It's either for a mom or for a couple; either way works, and I love working with both. 

It's for the person that really wants to make a really intense change and has the time and the energy and investment to be able to really take that time and that effort to make those changes, because there's going to be weekly homework to do, there's going to be check-ins. 

It's going to be really interactive because I really want to help somebody go through this exact change that I went through as well in a really sustainable and long-term way. At the end of the 12 months, you'll feel so confident in these tools that it'll just be like second nature. 

You won't have to be like pulling out your book or looking something up online or watching a video, you'll be like, 'Oh, no way, I already know how to do that. Like, I know what we do here,' in every scenario that pops up. 

Like, not even in the scenarios that we go over in those 12 months; after that, other scenarios will happen again, other situations will pop up. Like we know parenting is a challenge, and there's stuff that pops up all the time. 

And we will know how to deal with those when they pop up; and not only that, but we'll see such huge changes in ourselves and in our children. The behavior changes will happen, and it'll be significant. 

And so, I've seen huge, significant changes even in working with people for 6, 9, and 12 weeks. I remember working with a couple; and at the end of the time we were working with together, they looked back on – you know, the changes that happened from week one – and it was huge, it was phenomenal. 

They were connecting with them more. Their child was so much better behaved. They weren't dealing with the same problems that they were in the past. Their child was taking time out for themselves, kind of giving themselves their own time out when they needed it, instead of like exploding in the way that they had before. 

And it was like heartwarming to see the changes that happened during that time. I just imagine this idea where if we do that for an entire year, then anything that pops up, we work on it again; it pops up, we work on it again. 

And so, the learning is just so much more deep-seated; so that it's not like you work for six weeks, and you change all of these things. And then a few months later, or a few years down the road, you're like, 'Wait, I don't even remember what that was. What was I even doing there?' 

It's a really-- It's just going to get like deep into your bones. It's like, 'Okay, wait, now I really know what's going on, and I know how to deal with it.' That's what I'm doing. I will send--  

I will put a link to the application in my show notes so that you can head there. And if you can't see the show notes on the platform that you're on, go to www.coachcrystal.ca – and click on Work With Me, and you can scroll down and read more about the program and find the application there. That's [www.coachcrystal.ca] www-dot-Coach C -O-A-C-H Crystal C-R-Y-S-T-A-L dot(.)ca. And then, head over to Work With Me. 

So, I'm only going to open up three spots for this, so that I can really hone in on these people in a really intense way that we can work together and make this change. 

So, that's why I wanted do this bonus episode; I wanted to tell you how you can work with me, if you want to work with me. And more importantly, I wanted to tell you why it is that I'm even doing this thing; 'Why do I run this podcast? Why do I do what I do? Why do I post on Instagram? Why do I share all of this stuff?' 

It's because I want to make that change that I know happens from the inside-out, from the mom – and then spreads everywhere. It's just like that light that just continues, continues to spread and continues to burn; and can really change a lot of people's lives in great ways. 

So, keep listening, thank you for being here. If you love it, make sure that you share it with your friends. I love it when you share it with your friends. And I love hearing messages from all of the people that are enjoying this so much. And if you are on Apple, make sure that you go and subscribe; and you can also rate it and review it. 

So, you can just type in a little rating and quick review saying what episode you liked or what you like about it. I'd love to hear feedback like that. And make sure you check out my free parenting course called Radical Connection; I will link that as well in the show notes, and you can find that on my website as well. 

Thanks for being here. 

I hope you enjoyed today's episode. Make sure that you give it Five Stars on Apple, and check out my monthly membership for moms in the show notes.