S02 E08 - What to DO During a Tantrum

Lots of blogs/experts will tell you what NOT to do during a tantrum… but what do you actually DO? Sit there? Phone a friend? Close your eyes really tight and pretend it’s not happening? Let’s figure out what we CAN DO to help during these times. We all know that frustration and anger just escalate the situation, but it can be tough not to move into that energy. Even when we don’t let our temperature rise, it’s a struggle to know what to do that will help. Every child is different, every situation is different, but there are some basic things that in all situations, regardless of the differences, and that’s what we’ll learn about today.

What we get into:

• How we won’t always respond perfectly and what to do when we don’t
• How to hold space in those moments of chaos
• Releasing our expectations and judgements

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Episode Transcript

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hey, I'm Crystal, a certified life coach and mom of four. In this podcast, we combine radical connection and positive parenting theories with the How-To Life Coaching Tools and Mindset Work to completely transform our relationship with our children.

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Episode 8, What to DO During a Tantrum.

What should you do during a tantrum?

So, I feel like we talk a lot about what not to do during a tantrum, "Don't lose your temper, you know, be calm, blah, blah, blah." But what do you actually do? I have people ask me this all the time. Like, what am I supposed to do then if I'm not supposed to be screaming and yelling at them, or, you know, telling them that they're misbehaving or lecturing them, what else is possible? 

So, we've talked before about mirroring emotion. Our natural go-to is going to be match or mirror their emotion. So, if they're feeling rage and anger and frustration and upset and stress, our brain's going to try to feel upset and stressed and rage and anger. Right? It's going to try to go to that strong emotion. 

And the problem with being in that emotion is that it's going to block us from those creative solutions. The other problem is that it's going to probably damage some of that relationship or that connection that we're trying to build. And it doesn't mean that we're going to do this perfectly 100% of the time; that's not possible, obviously. 

But having, kind of, a go-to as to, what do we do during a tantrum, will be really helpful. And then, just trying it over and over and over again; even if you fail a hundred times, it's fine – just keep it up.

1. Focus on the child that's hurt

So, the first thing that I want you to do is focus on the child that's hurt. And so, what do I mean by this? Oftentimes, the child will get hurt by their siblings. So, we're talking here in a tantrum situation where two kids are fighting over a toy or two kids are yelling at each other or whatever, and one child maybe gets hurt by the other child. 

So, for now, we're just going to ignore the 'tantruming freaking' out child. You can say something small if you want, like, you know, "Soft hands" or "We don't hit", or, you know, "I see that you're mad", whatever you want to say, just something really short and sweet if you want or nothing at all; and focus on the child that's hurt. 

So, you can take the child into another room, and snuggle with them, and help them to feel better; but don't worry so much about the tantruming child. In that moment, just give your love and connection to that child that is hurt. 

And then we can go and give the love and connection to the other child, but it'll give that other child just a minute or two, even, just to cool down. We want to keep that connection open the whole time. 

Now, things that close connection, are going to be things like yelling at them, shaming them for their emotions, screaming, calling them names, slamming the door, giving them a timeout. That's going to cause some separation and some disconnect. 

And so, we want to try not to do that, and to keep that connection open. So, if you don't feel like you can say something kind, it's like that in Bambi movie, you know, if you don't have something kind, don't say something at all. 

And that's really what the go-to here is like, if you feel like you can't say something kind to your child, don't say anything like, "I'm really upset right now, I can't talk to you" or "I'm going to talk to you about it later", or just don't even say anything. 

Focus on that other child that is hurt, calm yourself down in that moment when you're also calming and soothing your child. And then, you can go back and reconnect with the other child as well. 

So, the goal here is to do no harm. 'Do no harm' means to keep that connection open and to, you know, love them, and have that compassion for them and that curiosity for them; and not to do anything that might harm or damage that connection or relationship. 

Now, when I say this, I say this knowing full well that this won't happen 100% of the time, like it's not possible to never do no harm as a parent. So, go back and listen to the good enough parenting, good enough parenting versus perfectionism, and get a brush up on that episode. 

But it's really being able to understand that perfectionism here is not the goal. We don't need to do it perfectly all the time, but our goal here is to do no harm as often as we can. 

2. Offer a do-over

When harm is done, what you want to do is just apologize. Some people call it a redo or a do-over. I even sat down with my kids when I first heard about do-overs. I mean, it's so obvious, right? We know what apologizing is. 

But when I really heard about this idea of do-overs, I sat down and just said, "You know what, guys? I'm human, also. I make mistakes just like you guys do; and what I'm going to do is what's called a do-over." 

So, when I do something like that, once I've calmed down, I'm going to come back and be like, "Kate do-over. Like, let's just start that again. Let's just blank-slate that." 

And so, you can even talk to your kids about this process, if you want. So, apologizing when it's needed, when there has been some harm done, we want to repair that relationship through apologizing or through a do-over and also through reconnecting. 

And so, reconnecting can be; communicating with them, it can be snuggling with them. It can be reading a book together or playing a game, but we just want to make sure that we're reconnecting. 

And again, you really know if you've connected with them if they look you in the eyes and you look them in the eyes; then you know that connection has happened.

3. Don’t hold the tantrum against them: Know that it's just them releasing frustration

Another thing that really helps is knowing that it's just them releasing frustration; they're not doing this on purpose, they're not doing this to spite us, they're not doing this to be mean or to be unkind or to be disrespectful. 

We sometimes think that way, because it seems like it; it sure seems like they go out of their way to do this over and over again. And so, it's easy to kind of fall into that trap thinking that they're putting themselves here in this position. 

But it's just them releasing their frustration, and they just don't really know great ways to release their frustration. Children do not naturally know how to self-regulate. A lot of adults have not learned how to self-regulate, but children, for sure, up until the age of 12, do not self-regulate on their own; and neurodivergent children, it's going to be even later than that. 

And so, just realizing like, 'That's okay, they don't always know how to handle their emotions. I don't always know how to handle my emotions either, and that's all right.'

4. Find a new story

Another way to kind of hold your peace and hold your cool in that moment is to find a new story, if that one's not serving you. So, maybe the story of, "My child is disrespectful" or "They know better", or "They shouldn't be this way", is not really serving you in that moment. 

So, even if you feel like it's really true, how are you showing up? How are you parenting in that mode? When you're feeling that frustration and that anger and rage from that thought, what kind of parenting comes from that? And just, kind of, noticing what's going on there and what's happening, and helping yourself shift your story. 

So, it seems here that they're really disrespectful, but that's not really helping me feel great about the situation or show up in the way that I really want to. So, if I want to show up and kind of be holding that space and holding that peace, what kind of feeling do I need to have there? What kind of thoughts can I have? 

What kind of stories could I have that's going on here? 'Is it that my child's struggling right now, that they're having a hard time, that there's probably a reason behind their behavior that they're doing their best?' 

Those are kind of a few of my natural go-to thoughts when it comes to my children and their tantruming. And by tantruming, I mean, it can be anything; it can be a tantrum, it can be a meltdown – it can be at any age. We all know that teenagers tantrum too, and even adults tantrum as well. 

So, I remember reading on a Positive Parenting Facebook group, one person saying, "I feel like my child's too old to be tantruming. Like, why are they still like this?" They were 11 or 12 or 13 or something. 

And I remember someone responding and being like, don't you still tantrum? I thought that was so clever because we really do, like, we all have these little tantrums; we all have these little moments that we kind of lose it, and we don't necessarily handle things perfectly all the time. 

And so, to expect our children – when they're 11, 12, 13, or even 16 or 18 – to never throw a tantrum is going to be unrealistic; they probably are going to. And that doesn't mean that we can allow them to just, you know, hit and yell and scream and do all of those things. 

But making sure that we're showing up in that moment with that presence and that state of mind that we want to, will really help us to know how to diffuse the situation there. All of those creative solutions that we want to have as to how to deal with that tantrum will come when we're not feeling so frustrated and resentful. 

5. Be mindful of your zone

So, another way to help is to be mindful of your zone. So, Red Zone, Yellow Zone, Green Zone, right? If I'm in my red; and I'm really angry and I'm really upset, it's going to be pretty hard for me to handle that moment. 

Even if I'm able to not yell or scream or say anything unkind, I'm probably going to be a lot more short with them and a lot more abrupt. And there's just huge changes within your body language, even if you are pushing yourself, not to say anything in that moment. 

So, just be really mindful of your zone, and find something that's going to help you to kind of like decrease in your zone. It could be just stopping and taking a deep breath yourself; just centering yourself on the ground – just closing your eyes and doing some breathing or doing a quick visualization, even in the moment, even in the room that you're in with the child that's tantruming, whatever you need to do – or leaving, if you need to, right? 

Things we should do to ensure that we respond to tantrums positively

The goal here is to do no damage, do no repair – do no harm, sorry. And so, when we have that goal in mind, we just want to make sure that when we do, we can reconnect and apologize, but in that moment, it's best to just, even just hold our tongue, if that's what we feel like we need to do. 

(i) Take care of you

Another thing that can really help is to do things that fuel and fill us up. So, oftentimes, when we're overwhelmed and burnt out and stressed out, it's because we haven't been taking care of ourselves. 

Maybe we haven't had a good sleep or we haven't had time to connect with our own self. Maybe we haven't had time to read, or to play, or fresh air – all of those things that we're giving to our kids, we don't necessarily always give ourselves them too. 

So, if you are able to do that on a regular basis, you will find that dealing with tantrums comes a lot more naturally and easily than when you don't. And when you have all of these unmet needs that you're not handling or working out on yourself, it's going to be a lot harder. 

(ii) Try to hold that space, hold that emotion

So, going back to what to do during a tantrum, we kind of talked about our story and what's going on in our mind and how to kind of shift that. 

But in that moment, when the emotions are really strong, just be there, you don't necessarily have to say or do anything, especially if it's hard for you, or if you don't know what to say or do, or if your child is highly sensitive, then you might not want to say anything. 

So, just sit there, and just be there with them; just take a deep breath in and out, and just hold your space for them. And when I think of holding space for them, I think of that mirroring emotion; my brain's trying to go up with their high emotions, and I'm just holding that space for myself and for them. 

I'm holding it down because just like how we want to mirror their emotion, they'll want to mirror our emotion as well; that's what their mind and their body's going to tell them that is best for them. 

So, over time, as you can just keep holding that presence of mind and holding that space for them, it will eventually be able to bring them down to that space for you as well. 

This is probably the single thing that will help the most, is being able to hold that space. But it's also so hard, which is why I talked all about these thoughts and these feelings in our zones and all of those things, because it's a really hard thing to do just to sit and to hold that space – and to release that expectation we have of them, and to release the judgment for us and for them, and just stay present in that moment. 

(iii) Do something physical, like taking a deep breath

So, just clear your head, take a deep breath, put your feet firmly on the ground and just try to hold that space. And when you don't and when you lose it, make sure to love yourself through that too – love yourself and love them through it. 

Apologize, do-over, you know, going back to the Growth Mindset stuff, it's all part of the plan, right? We're supposed to make mistakes so that we can learn and grow. 

So, if you're failing and if you feel like you're failing over and over again, you're just doing the plan, great, right? The plan is to make mistakes and then learn and make mistakes and then learn. That is what growth mindset is. So, you're just really working hard on that growth mindset. So, give yourself some love about that also. 

Recap: Take care of you

And then remember to always be filling yourself up; if you haven't, it's going to be so much harder to handle these moments. 

If you haven't eaten, if you haven't got a good sleep, if you're not taking time for you – and then your child throws tantrum after tantrum, after tantrum all day-long – maybe you'll be able to handle the first few, but over time, you're really not going to be able to handle them well. And if that's what we want to do – if we want to be able to handle them well – then we need to be taking care of us. 

So, number #1, take care of you. 

Number #2, try to hold that space, hold that emotion. 

Number #3, if it's hard for you to hold that space and hold that emotion, do something physical, like taking a deep breath or, you know, just clearing your mind, doing a quick meditation or going somewhere else, doing something to calm down and then coming back again. 

(iv) Notice those stories that we have

And the next one is just to notice those stories that we have; notice that expectation that we have in that judgment for us and for them in that situation. 

(v) Make sure to apologize, when you’re wrong

And then, lastly, that when we do do harm, which will happen eventually make sure that we're apologizing when needed. 

(vi) Know what your child wants you to do when they have a tantrum

I've talked about this before, but I asked my daughter, what do you want me to do when you're having a tantrum? Like what feels good to you? 

And she said exactly what I had noticed and had been kind of observing about her was that she doesn't want me to talk to her, she doesn't want anybody around, she just wants to go in her room and slam the door and scream for a while. And then, she wants me to be there. She wants me just to sit there and be there with her, and then she wants to snuggle. 

And she didn't say that specifically, but she said something like, "When I'm mad, I want to scream." And I was like, "Okay, I do too." That's what I want to do when I'm mad, right? When I'm mad, I want to scream. 

I'm like, "Okay, and then, what?" She said, "And then after I've been screaming for a while, I want to snuggle." And I was like, great. Like she already knows the gig, right? I didn't tell her we needed to reconnect after that moment. But that kind of moment of tantrum is a disconnect. It's kind of like an emotional separation between them and between us. 

And so, even though I hadn't told her that, you know, I hadn't sat down and been like, 'We're emotionally disconnected right now. Why don't we reconnect?' She just naturally wanted that; that's what she wanted as well. So, you can even talk to your kids about that, right? 

I mean, maybe your teenagers aren't going to be as open about this, but like, 'What do you do to make yourself feel better? What are you feeling in that moment, and what do you like, and what do you want me to do? I mean, I get mad too, just like you do. Like, what helps? Like, it helps me if I'm just sitting alone in my room by myself. How do you want me to handle that situation?' 

And we don't want them to feel like we have no idea what we're doing, right? We want them to feel safe and secure in our presence, but I still like to get ideas from them. Like, 'What do you want me to do? What helps? I think that this is what helps, I think that this could help; what do you think about that?' 

I'm not going to have that same conversation with the toddler, obviously, but it was an interesting conversation to have – just to ask her, like, what do you like to do and what are you feeling and what's happening, what's going on there. 

So, I think we can definitely have those conversations with our kids; and kind of build what we're doing, and how we're dealing with them through the information that they give us. 

So, good luck with those tantrums. Feel free to reach out. If you have any more questions about tantrums or what to do.

I hope you enjoyed today's episode. Make sure that you give it Five Stars on Apple, and check out my monthly membership for moms in the show notes.