S02 E12 - Becoming our Own Parent

Do you ever feel like no one cares about what you do all day? Even when you do a great job, it just goes unnoticed? This is common for us as mothers. How do we get over this frustration and find validation? Tune in to find out. Cooking, cleaning, managing kids, snuggling kiddos, putting kiddos to bed 1000x times every night, wiping boogers and bums, keeping everyone fed and well hydrated. Parenting is a tough gig, there’s a lot on your plate as parent, and everything you do can easily get overlooked by others.

In this episode:

• How the results of our efforts often go unnoticed
• How our results aren’t as visible or immediate
• Separating our results from our children’s behaviour
• Tools we can take away and start using to help our healing journey

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Episode Transcript

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hey, I'm Crystal, a certified life coach and mom of four. In this podcast, we combine radical connection and positive parenting theories with the How-To Life Coaching Tools and Mindset Work to completely transform our relationship with our children.

Join me on my journey, unleash your inner parenting expert, and become the mother you've always wanted to be. Make sure you subscribe wherever you listen to your podcast and rate this podcast on Apple, and check out my transformative monthly membership for moms in the show notes.

Episode 12, Becoming our Own Parent.

How the self-validation acquired in childhood relates to parenting 

So, I'm going to talk a little bit today about self-validation, and then I'm going to give you three problems that I see and some solutions to that as well. So, validation – typically, we grew up in an environment where validation was given outside of us, from other people. 

A lot of it was very fixed mindset responses, and very focused on the outcome. So, you got a good grade, you painted a beautiful picture, you accomplished something; and it was on the accomplishment. 

It wasn't on the process or what was happening during that journey; it was typically on just the outcome. And it was very fixed mindset, which means, you know, you made a beautiful picture, 'Look how nice that is,' you got an A-plus. Great job, right? 

External Validation Vs. Internal Validation in Parenting

All of those things were how we were validated, and it typically came from outside of ourselves. We weren't typically taught how to do internal self-validation, and also weren't taught how to do internal validation based on the process either; it was typically always on the outcome.

Client Example 1 

So, how this relates to parenting is I'm going to give you an example of a client that I had a while ago; and her husband ran a company and he would get lots of awesome Google reviews, and she was like--  

Everybody can tell what a good job he does, right? He goes on Google and it's like; Five Stars, he's amazing, people are always telling him what a good job he's doing all of the time. 

And she's at home working with her kids, doing all of this stuff, like so much hard work all day long; and nobody is telling her how good of a job she's doing, right? Nobody gives moms Google reviews. Maybe we should, but that doesn't typically happen. 

We don't usually get any external validation. Maybe sometimes our partner will say something, our friends will say something, but we're definitely not getting regular external validation at all. And we're not super great at internally, internally giving ourselves validation either. 

We don't have other people telling us we're amazing. And so, sometimes we start to wonder, 'Am I amazing? Am I actually even doing a good job or even a mediocre job? Are my efforts enough? Is there any point to all of the efforts that I'm even putting in, or is it totally pointless?' 

'My child might still throw tantrums, even though I work really hard at trying to manage their emotions. My child still might not listen to me, even though I try to connect before I direct. I might try to communicate, and just fill up their bucket. They may still talk back. My teenager might still not communicate with me as much as I want.' 

So, maybe we start to think, 'What is all of this for, anyways? Why are we doing all of this, when we're not getting any external or internal validation?’ And sometimes, we start to feel like maybe it's not working. 

Three problems that my clients (and Myself) encounter as parents

So, the three problems that I have seen lately with myself and my clients-- I always say myself included, because I'm on this journey also. I've still not arrived at perfection; I don't know if any of you guys have. But my goal now is just that good enough parenting. And so, I'm constantly going through all the same things that my clients are as well. 

1. The results of our efforts often go unnoticed, even by us

So, number #1 is the results of all of our efforts often go unnoticed, even by us. So, it's kind of like there are Google reviews and the Google reviews are coming in, but we refuse to read them, and we're just saying, "You know, there's no Google reviews. We're not getting any, when there actually is." 

So, what I mean by this is that our brain likes to pick out the negative, to amplify the negative, to remind you of the negative; and it totally glosses over the positive. 

It downplays that any change is actually happening, which keeps us stuck because then we say, "Well, nothing's happening. I'm doing all of this stuff, and like nothing's changing." 

And it might not be that our children's results are changing right away. It could be changes in our own thoughts and our own beliefs, and just like tiny little shifts; but our brain keeps telling us that those shifts are not happening, and that bigger shifts need to happen – and that if it's not working quickly enough, then it's just not working. 

So, imagine we're driving down the road and we put our foot on the gas, and then we look in the rear-view mirror and we keep looking backwards – we keep like shoulder-checking and we keep looking in the rear-view mirror; and we're not still pressing on the gas anymore because we're constantly worried about what's behind us instead of looking forward. That's what our brain is doing to us. 

That's what our primitive brain, that fight or flight emotional brain does to us. It's going to pick out all of these negative things, point to all these negative things that are very backwards-thinking and going to stop us from moving forward in our process. 

So, an example that I heard from another coach one time that I loved was, it's like you're driving on a trip. So, I'm going to imagine I'm driving from, say, Edmonton to Calgary; and maybe I pull over and go to the bathroom, and then I pull over and take my kid out of the car for a stretch, and then I pull over for a snack, and then I pull over for gas. 

That first and second and third and fourth time that I pull over, at no point in that journey was like, I was like, 'Well, there's no point, I should just turn around and start again.' I mean, 'I pulled over, I stopped. So, pretty much not even going to Calgary anymore, might as well turn around back and go up to Edmonton.' 

We would never think that if we were on a journey; we would just get back into our vehicle and we would just keep going forward, and we wouldn't look back or start driving backwards or think about what it was like before – we would just keep driving. 

So, just because we pause along our journey, doesn't mean that we're not headed there anymore. So, maybe you feel like you're connecting with your children more, you're connecting before you direct them, you're feeling better about your relationship with them, you're communicating with them more. 

And these things are happening, and then maybe you have a bad week or two or three or four weeks where your brain is offering you a lot of negativity – like, you know, 'I feel like I'm yelling more, I feel like I'm doing worse,' all of those things. 

Maybe you just pulled over on your journey, and maybe that pullover actually helped you too. Like maybe you needed to get out and have a stretch, and kind of rethink things. Maybe you needed that break for whatever reason. 

Maybe there was a purpose to the pause on your journey; and it doesn't mean that your journey is over or that you even have to start again, or that you have gone backwards. Maybe, in fact, that was exactly what you needed to replenish you to move forward again. 

So, we have to consciously tell our brain that we're doing a good job, "Okay, brain, I know that you're telling me I'm doing a terrible job, but these are three things that I did really well today. These are three things that I did really well this week. This is one thing I did good today." 

So, make sure that you start picking out those tiny changes. And what I mean, "Do good," I don't mean that you're an amazing parent all of the time, but what's just one little shift that happened? 

Maybe you spent just a little bit more time with your child. Maybe when they had a meltdown, you didn't totally melt down at them – even though maybe you wanted to, or you were struggling with it. Maybe when your teenager was sassy to you, you weren't sassy back at them – just tiny little shifts. 

It can be even just in your thoughts, even in just the way that you treat yourself. So, that's number #1, our results going unnoticed. 

2. Our results aren’t as visible or immediate

Number #2 is our results aren't always immediate. Just because we make huge changes over time, doesn't mean that we're going to see those huge changes or those results right away. Typically, it's the small and sustainable changes that are the biggest changes, over time; but it doesn't happen immediately. 

Imagine we're going to the gym, and we go once or twice or maybe even for a week, but we're constantly checking our Abs. We're just like, 'Why do we not have a six-pack yet? Like, I've been to the gym three times, why is this not working?' 

We know that when it comes to muscles that it takes a long time to build that up, that it's going to be a super long process; and that sometimes, we can't see the external physical results for a long time or maybe ever – but those small and simple changes are still happening over time. 

I started going to the gym, I don't know how long ago it was; I haven't been in a while, COVID. But anyways, we were going to the gym; and right away, it was really hard, super difficult, obviously didn't feel any changes right away, didn't feel like I could handle anything more than I could before. 

But over time, probably, I want to say like three to six months in, I noticed that some pains that I'd had in my lower back and in my one knee were less severe – that I could hike, or I could walk, or I could do things for longer without having that pain. 

So, even though I couldn't physically see any changes – there was no changes in my weight, there was no changes physically in the muscles that I could see on myself – I noticed that I felt stronger, that I had longer endurance for things, and that those tiny little aches and pains went away. 

But it was a very long time through that journey; it wasn't just immediate. So, small and simple changes over time, the results are coming. I love that belief. I love that belief in so many areas of my life, not just parenting, but the results are coming. 

Our brain is changing; it's creating new neural pathways. There is growth there; and even if we don't notice it, the growth is happening. Things are working. Just because we don't notice those results right away, does not mean that it is not working. 

Another example that I thought of was, you're on a flight to Bora Bora. I use Bora as example because I want to go there; and it's going to take a while to get there, right? It's a pretty longways. I live in southern Alberta in Canada, so I mean, it would be a long trip to get to Bora Bora. 

So, maybe the whole time you could be thinking, 'Are we there yet? Why aren't we there yet? This isn't Bora Bora, what's gone wrong? Why are we still on the airplane? This is taking way long; we should already be here. The trip should be faster. This isn't working. We're just going to turn around and go back home.' 

Or we could be thinking, 'This is a journey, this is a process – we are getting there, we will be there, we'll get there when we get there. It's working. We're on the right plane or we're on the right path, we're on the right journey. It's totally fine.' 

And that helps us feel kind of relieved. Don't you feel relieved when you think that, 'I am on the right journey, I am here – just because I don't see the results immediately, doesn't mean that I'm on the wrong journey or on the wrong plane to Bora Bora, it's still coming'? 

3. Basing our results on our children’s behavior

Number #3 is our results are not our children's results; this is called personalization, and we all often do this. Our brains just naturally go here. So, we make their results mean something about us. 

So, we are doing all of these connection things and we're making all these changes, and then; maybe our child has a tantrum, maybe they skip school, maybe they lie about being on their cell phone or playing video games, maybe they hit a sibling or scream or swear at somebody else, maybe they get into a fight at school or get suspended. 

And we take that on us, and make it mean something about us and our parenting; we're not doing enough, we're doing a terrible job, 'This is my fault, I ruined them, I should have done something more, I should have learned this Positive Parenting thing earlier, it's way too late for me.' 

Or, 'Now that I've learned it, I'm still doing it wrong and everyone else is doing it right. My children hate me. They're doing this to spite me.' 

Everything is very Me, Me, Me. We make it mean something about Me, Me, Me, instead of about them. So, I just want you to pause if you're thinking that way, which we often do, and think, 'What else could be true here?' 

So, what else could be true here, we could think about that same child – maybe they're skipping school – and we could think they're struggling, maybe – maybe they're being bullied, maybe they're going through something emotional or hormonal, maybe there's just some development going on there, maybe they're having a hard time with school or not feeling like they're smart enough. 

There are so many other stories that could be true here that have everything to do with them, and nothing to do with us and how we're parenting them. There is no perfect mom, there is no perfect child; every mom makes mistakes, and so does every child. 

Don't aim for perfection for them and don't aim for perfection for you because it's an impossible ideal and a damaging standard that will really just lead to frustration and worse relationships. 

They have a choice; they are their own person. They have their own models. If you think back to when we talked about model CTFAR; T – that's their Thought. They have their own thoughts and feelings. 

We could do all of the "right things", all of the things that the parenting books say to do all of the time, and our children might still have the thought that they don't like us, that they don't want to be around us, that they wish that we weren't their parent, right? 

At some point, they are going to think those kinds of thoughts, and it's not going to have anything to do with our parenting; it could have something to do with them, and what's going on with them. 

So, just let it be their model. Let them have their model, and don't insert yourself into that and think that it's all your fault. Don't make it mean something about you, which is really hard to do, especially when they're actually telling us, 'This is about you, you're a terrible parent, I hate you, you're doing it wrong.' 

So, when my children say things like that to me, this is common for my seven-year-old right now. He's just in this 'I hate you' mode. So, anytime that he's triggered, "I hate you," is the first thing out of his mouth. 

So, I think like, 'Okay, what is he actually saying here?' He's not saying, "I hate you." I mean, he is verbally saying that, but what does he actually mean by that? He really means, 'I'm mad, I'm hurting, I'm struggling, I'm not getting what I want right here in this moment.' 

It wasn't anything to do with me. It didn't have anything to do with me. It had to do with him. And even if it was – I'm not letting him have the toy that he wants, or I'm not giving him the meal that he asked for or any of those things – it still doesn't mean it's about me. It's about them and how they're interpreting it. 

It doesn't mean that I'm just going to be like, 'Okay, if nothing means anything about me, I'm just going to not do anything,' right? That's our all-or-nothing thinking; that's thinking that if we don't make it mean something about us, that we're going to lose entire control of ourselves and our parenting. 

But that's not true either. We don't have to go swing all the way to the end of like, 'Now, we don't care what we do in parenting.' It just lets us feel a little bit of that relief and that release of that pressure, and of that stress.

We're our own person; they're their own person. How do I want to show up as a mom? So, how I want to show up as a mom – personally, I decided a long time ago that I didn't want my results to be based on their results. 

So, I just thought, 'Okay, well, what is a 'good enough mom' mean to me? And it means very few things; it's that I'm trying, it's that I'm loving, it's that I'm teaching – I'm apologizing and trying again, a lot of failure in the apologizing and trying again step. And, that's it. 

That's what I base my own results on. That's how I determine whether or not I feel good about how I'm showing up, or if there's anything that needs to shift and change there. 

So, back to validation. We don't need others to make us feel better; we can be this person for ourselves. Even if our parents weren't this for us as a child, even if our partner doesn't do this for us – doesn't validate us, even if our children don't – that we can parent ourselves.

We can do our own inner healing and our own inner work. And this is what this podcast is all about; to help us heal that, to help us do our own thought work and our own emotional work. 

Tools we can take away and start using to help our healing journey

1. The 2.0: Visualize your future-self

Now, I'm going to end with, do you remember the 2.0? We talked about the 2.0 before; it's your future self. So, I want you to go to that place, do a quick visualization if you want. 

I love to visualize myself walking along the beach or through a beautiful forest or somewhere that I really love, and I'm just closing my eyes and breathing really deeply. 

And sometime during that visualization, I come upon a person and the person is myself; and while I'm sitting there – maybe listening to some relaxing music and taking some deep breaths – I have a conversation with that person. 

I ask her how she got where she is, maybe I ask her for advice – maybe I ask her for comfort, words of comfort. What would she tell me to do? And I let that sink in. I believe her. I let her comfort me. 

I let her guide me all the way to our own inner parenting expert, because that is inside of us already. Living from those three things I said – the one and the two and the three, in the beginning – our results being personalized, our results not being immediate, and our results going often unnoticed; that causes burnout. 

We can't live that way and be emotionally and mentally healthy and happy. Over time, that will cause huge burnout.

2. Take care of yourself: Build a relationship with yourself

So, you can take this parenting step even further and you can care for yourself too, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. What do I need in this moment? Do I need food, water, rest, connection, deep breaths? 

3. Learn more about you, and be the 'You-est You' that you can be

You can also get to know you more; 'What do you like? What do you dislike? What is it like to be you?' Be the you-est You. Don't live into this person that you think you should be. 

So, care for you, learn about you, become more of the you-est You that you can be. And as you do that, you'll be able to step into that inner power in every area of your life. As you build that relationship with you, you'll step into your parenting expert power as well. 

That power is already there. It's already inside you. You just have to tap into it; she's already there just waiting for you. So, go do one of those visualizations; tell me how it goes. 

I hope you enjoyed today's episode. Make sure that you give it Five Stars on Apple, and check out my monthly membership for moms in the show notes.