S03|20 - Standing WITH Our Kids: Conscious Parenting with Mikki Gardner
Jan 10, 2022Mikki Gardner is a certified Life Coach and Conscious Parenting Coach. She is a mom to 3 boys (her son and 2 bonus sons) and 2 dogs. She co-parents with her partner, her ex-husband, and his wife. Mikki is the host of the Co-Parenting with Confidence Podcast and has a private one-on-one coaching practice, where she helps moms ditch the conflict + frustration of divorce and become a strong, loving, confident co-parent.
In our conversation today:
- Mikki’s journey and her life conscious parenting post-divorce
- What conscious parenting is and how it plays out in real-life situations
- Accepting our own imperfections
- Standing WITH our kids through their struggles
IG @mikkigardner
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Podcast: Co-parenting with Confidence
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I would be honored to be your coach and help you get the changes you want to see in your life. The tools that I talk about in my podcast and use in my coaching have completely turned around my life and my relationships with my children. I know what it takes and how to make it happen. You can use the links below to get more of my content and to learn what we do in my program By Design. I love helping women tap into their inner expert and build radical connection in their relationships with their children.
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Episode Transcript
Sharing my journey with you: How working on myself helped me become a better parent
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hey, before we get into today's episode, I'm going to tell you a little story. Have you heard of the quote by Mahatma Gandhi? It goes, "Be the change you want to see in the world."
About five years ago, we were living in Quebec; I was just starting to do my own inner healing. Up until that point, I'd felt really lost in my motherhood. I didn't know who I was outside of my role as mother. I yelled often, I didn't feel fulfilled; I was very emotionally reactive.
I spent a lot of time watching TV and eating junk food and not really thinking about the kind of parent I wanted to be, because if I thought too much about it, I would feel really bad for the parent that I was.
It wasn't all bad; there was definitely some good parts as well, but it was a hard and heavy time for me. As I started to do my own inner work and go on my own inner journey, one of the things that helped me the most was finding things that I loved and doing them just for me – not for motherhood, not for parenting.
I started to read again, something that I had given up years before because I felt like I didn't have enough time. I started to learn more about interesting people, inspiring people – places, history. I rested.
I got hired by an online homeschool program to write short biographies. One of the biographies that I got asked to write was on Mahatma Gandhi; reading and learning about him was inspiring.
The quote that I just mentioned was one that stood out to me, and so I quickly made it my email signature because I just loved it. Little did I know that five years later, I would have modeled my life after that quote, not even on purpose. Instead of trying to change my children, I switched the focus to me.
Instead of constantly picking out things that weren't right, I turned the focus inward; I became the change I wanted to see in them, I became the change I wanted to see in parenting, I became the change I wanted to see in the world.
The most effective way to raise emotionally intelligent children is to become emotionally intelligent ourselves first. That's an ongoing journey of inner work and love for myself when I mess up, and love and empathy for my kids too.
Everything has changed since then, and nothing. My kids are still my kids; with their amazingness, their chaos, and their outbursts. I'm still me with my amazingness, my chaos, and my outbursts – but I still love me through it all.
I outburst way less frequently. I love them through it all. I choose my thoughts intentionally. I choose empathy and compassion over ease. I choose love over hurt. I feel my feelings, even the heavy ones. I rest when I need it, and I get back up when I can. Everything has changed, yet nothing has changed; I'm on the journey.
Three spots are open for one-on-one coaching right now
This is my journey that I wanted to share with you because I have three spots that are open for one-on-one coaching right now, and I would love to be your guide. I would love to guide you on that journey.
Life coaching is all about being that guide, being that person that can love you and believe in you and encourage you – and help with your healing journey, even when you feel like you can't help yourself; that's what a life coach does.
I would love to be on that journey with you. Like I said, I have three open spots. If you scroll to the show notes, you'll see a link that says Work With Me; you can click on that, you can read more about it, and you can book a call to see if coaching is right for you.
Thanks for being here, and thanks for listening to my podcast. And as always, if you love anything from the podcast, if you feel like it's been changing you and guiding you and leading you, I would love for you to subscribe and to rate and review it on whatever podcast platform you listen to.
I love the messages that I've been getting on Instagram of people saying that just listening to the podcast has changed their relationship with themselves and with their kids. That's exactly what I hoped it would do, and I am so grateful that it has been doing that for you. So, thanks again for being here, and enjoy today's show.
Hey, I'm Crystal, a certified life coach and mom of four. In this podcast, we combine radical connection and positive parenting theories with the How-To Life Coaching Tools and Mindset Work to completely transform our relationship with our children.
Join me on my journey, unleash your inner parenting expert, and become the mother you've always wanted to be. Make sure you subscribe wherever you listen to your podcast and rate this podcast on Apple, and check out my transformative monthly membership for moms in the show notes.
Hi, welcome to today's episode, Standing WITH Our Kids: Conscious Parenting with Mikki Gardner.
Mikki’s journey and her life conscious parenting post-divorce
Mikki Gardner is a certified Life Coach and Conscious Parenting Coach. She is a mom to 3 boys (her son and 2 bonus sons), and to 2 dogs. She co-parents with her partner, her ex-husband, and his wife. Mikki is the host of the Co-Parenting with Confidence Podcast; and she has a private one-on-one coaching practice, where she helps moms ditch the conflict + frustration of divorce and become a strong, loving, confident co-parent.
Hello, Mikki. Welcome to the podcast.
Mikki Gardner: Hi, I am so excited to be here. Thank you for having me.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: I am excited too. I'm excited because I had Mikki as a guest expert in my monthly program for moms, and it was awesome; and I felt like I learned something, I felt like all the moms learned something. And I'm like, 'Ooh, I need to have her on the podcast too, because I think this will be a really helpful conversation.'
And the reason why Mikki is so awesome is because she is also a Parenting Coach, and she does Conscious Parenting.
So, first of all, can you tell us a little bit about you and who you work with; and also, a little bit of background – like, your story?
Mikki Gardner: Yeah, so I work with moms – specifically, post-divorce – learning how to let go of the frustration and the conflict of divorce… and learning how to be a strong, loving, confident co-parent.
And this is something near-and-dear to my heart because like so many of us, we teach what we had to know and had to learn ourselves. And I have had, I feel like, many lives already.
I'm a little bit of a cat – I guess, in that way – because I checked all the boxes, I did all the things, I had a successful business, I got married, I had a son; and then everything kind of came to a crashing halt one evening when the life that I thought I had was ripped on out from underneath me, and I ended up really upside-down, and had to rebuild my life from that point.
After a lot of pain and frustration and counseling and trying and all the things, I decided to end my marriage; and I did it at a point when I knew that I wanted something different for us.
And I wanted to be an example to my son of what I believed, you know, a mom and a woman and a wife looks like; and the woman that I was, at that time, was not the example I wanted to be. And so, I decided to leave my marriage, and rebuild our family in a way that was still honoring that we are a family.
And I had to figure out how to do that kind of trial-and-error; and l made a ton of mistakes, learned all the 'what not to do'. But all along the way, I held this belief – and I'm not sure honestly, where it came from – other than, I knew that there was a different way to do this.
I knew that my marriage ending, didn't mean our family was ending; it just meant that things were going to shift. My son was young; and so, you know, he went through a lot at a young age, you know, with a mom who was struggling.
I can't speak for my ex-husband, but, you know, it's a lot when everything you know kind of comes to an end. You have to go through a grieving process, obviously the divorce process; there's just a lot that you go through.
And my darling boy – who I love more than anything, and I tell him this, so this is no surprise to him – he's not the easiest thing on two legs. You know, he's complicated and he's sensitive, and he has had some learning challenges.
You know, he's now 11; he was three when we separated. He still struggles emotionally with the divorce. He still will ask me once a month, "Why did you guys have to do that?"
You know, and it breaks your heart every time, but, you know, that's just-- He's a little more sensitive than the average bear, is what one doctor said.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: I love that.
Mikki Gardner: I was like, I love that take. Great. And so, I was struggling because I had two wonderful parents who loved me, who I adore. But you know, I think like many moms, my mother raised me in the, 'Wait until your father gets home', kind of discipline strategy, right?
So, there was a-- There was a man in the house who would put the hammer down when need be; you know, usually it was enough to scare us into complete submission, 'Just don't tell dad what just happened', right?
And I realized, all of a sudden, as a single mom, I didn't have any backup. I was struggling to discipline my child – struggling with how to get control over this situation, get control over myself.
And so, I just started searching for some answers; and I ended up stumbling upon Conscious Parenting. And I read Dr. Shefali’s first book, The Conscious Parent; read it, made a lot of notes in it – and then hid it in a deep, deep part of the closet, so I never had to think about it again.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: I love that.
Mikki Gardner: And then, over time, when all the strategies still weren't working, all the parenting tips that everyone gives you still aren't working – I reluctantly went back to the closet, dug it out, and started to dig in a little bit.
And it's something that revolutionized the way that I look at parenting; along with my life coaching background, it really has changed me fundamentally and changed our family, I believe. And so, that was a very long answer. I apologize.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: I love-- I love that whole answer. I hadn't heard your past story before, so I love that story. And when you said that, "It changed our family fundamentally," ugh, that just resonated with me.
I'm like, 'Yes, that is exactly what it is.' I have met very few people who do pretty much exactly what I do, and I feel like we just deeply connect right away because like, we just know, like we have kids that are maybe a little bit tougher than the norm; and regular parenting techniques don't work.
And the life coaching tools along with this form of parenting is what has fundamentally, like you said, changed me; and then, therefore, my family. So, I'm glad that you gave us that whole story.
What Mikki Gardner does for her clients now
Crystal The Parenting Coach: What do you do now? Tell us a little bit about what you do for your clients now.
The four-pronged approach
Mikki Gardner: So, for my clients, I am a one-to-one coach; so, I work directly with them, we work in six-month sections. Basically, the way that I like to look at it is a four-pronged approach. We have to really like, get to know ourselves on a deep level, right?
Anything that's happening with our kids is – I'm going to go out on a limb, and it's 99.9% of the time about us, right? When we are triggered, it is because something in us has been triggered – a wound within us has been triggered; otherwise, we would not be sort of off the rails, right?
1. Get to know who you are
So, what I like to do is start by getting to know who you are, because when we know ourselves, that's the game-changer. When we don't know ourselves; we're looking outside for answers, we're reacting-- I call it pinball mode, when you're just going 'Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding' from thing to thing to thing to thing; you know, and hoping that something sticks – and it's chaotic.
And so, when we can slow down and really start to get to know ourselves, understand what's going on – what our triggers are, what our limiting beliefs are, maybe all of the stuff that's been piled on us or told to us that we didn't even know that we absorbed, we just have to start to really dig in and understand all of that.
2. Starting to accept and allow for the as isness of life
And then, the second part is really starting to accept and allow for as isness of life, right? Like, this is where Conscious Parenting comes in from, is that there is just the 'as is', what's actually happening.
Our suffering comes from when we pile all the story around it – but when we can learn to understand what the facts are, what is happening and allow it to happen… versus attached to it, versus resist it, avoid it, all of those things… well, then we have much more power because we're not spending all of our energy trying to bury it, get away from it, ignore it, resist it, but when we allow it, we can actually start to make some real change.
3. Self-direction
And then, that goes into the third step with this, self-direction. What do I want to do? How do I intentionally want to live my life? Who is the woman that I want to be? How do I want to show up for my children?
And when we know and we accept who we are – our limitations, our children, all of those things – then we can start into that direction of, which direction do we want to head?
4. Double-down, dig deep, and deepen the work
And then, once we're in that direction – we go into the third step, which is sort of double-down, and you just dig deep, and deepen the work.
What conscious parenting is, and how it plays out in real-life situations
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Okay. I love all of that. I'd love for you to tell us a little bit about like, what is Conscious Parenting? Like for someone that doesn't really know, how would you describe it in kind of like a nutshell?
Mikki Gardner: Yeah. I've heard it described as the lack of discipline, kind of parenting. I don't see that at all, right? It is a lack of traditional discipline method. The idea is that when we can connect to our children – first is connection, and then is it's all about presence.
So, when we can connect-- Again, going back-- Well, I'm sorry, let me step back. So, it's about presence and connection. When we can be present with what is true for us, when we can start to – like I said before – know what's going on, understand why we're being triggered… even just the acknowledgement that we are being triggered… we start to get synced down into the present moment.
At that point, we have a choice; we've created a little bit of space. And the idea of Conscious Parenting is that you're connecting with your child versus disconnecting, right?
Traditional discipline – blaming the child, trying all the tricks – that's really more disconnection versus connecting and really understanding, what is going on for them. What skill are they lacking, if they're not completing something? What are they feeling? You know, what's behind the actions?
When we can connect with them and start to understand that, we can start to understand what their needs are and how we can help them through it.
I mean, I think Conscious Parenting, like other forms, really believes – like I believe – that everyone is good in their core, right? Children are good; they instinctively want to do well, right? They want to please, they want to be correct, they want to feel good about themselves, they want to love others, right?
We, as humans, want to do that naturally. When we don't, it's because we're either lacking a skill or there's trauma or there is something standing in our way. And so, Conscious Parenting is really about kind of getting out of your ego, getting out of all of your story and being more present to what's actually going on – and then responding in a conscious way.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: I think that that is such a succinct description of it, and that does sound very similar. Like so many people say so many different words of like; Positive Parenting or intentional, gentle, respectful.
But from what I see in the groups that I'm in, or the books that I've read, or the experts that I've listened to – that is kind of that whole approach. I call it connection-based parenting, but it's connection over anything else.
Instead of focusing on all of the behavior modification and changes and all the things that are going wrong, it's stopping in that moment and taking a breath and connecting, and – like you said – always knowing that there's a reason behind the behavior. They're not--
Kids that can do well, will do well. Like if they're not doing well, there's something behind that. And so, some people have asked me like, is there a difference in these approaches and names and whatever terms? And so, I was curious if Conscious Parenting was different at all, but it sounds like a similar approach to the others.
Rewards and punishments in Conscious Parenting
Crystal The Parenting Coach: What about discipline? Is there rewards, punishments? Like, what's kind of the perspective of Conscious Parenting on that aspect?
Mikki Gardner: Yeah, so I think if you ask Dr. Shefali who sort of coined the term – and she is who I'm certified through, I love her work and her books – if you ask her, no. There's no discipline, so to speak. There are natural consequences. I agree with this, right? There are natural consequences to every action.
However, I do think that we as parents, we get to choose how we are going to show up in this process. Some people are very hands-off, just allow things to happen. The way that I take it, and the way that I come at it for each of my clients is we get to choose what it looks like for us, right?
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah.
Mikki Gardner: When we are conscious and we are being intentional and we're coming from a loving place, that to me is Conscious Parenting. Right? Being loving, is that always kind and fluffy and unicorns and ponies – and everyone happy? No.
Sometimes loving is doing the hard thing; it is holding a hard line so that children can understand that there are repercussions. I'll give an example. You know, for my son is in normal school, you know, like just the regular school system loves his extra-- He's a little hockey player, loves hockey, right?
And so, I take the approach that, like in high school, you have to have a certain grade level to be able to play sports, right? It is a privilege, right? There are things that are given, and then there are things that are privileges. So, you know, for him, hockey is very much one of those things that's a privilege and that it's earned.
And not that I'm using it to hold it over his head, but he also understands that he has responsibility and he has decisions that he has to make to be able to get the things that he loves in his life, and he has to show up and participate. And this is never performance.
I tell him all the time, "I don't care actually what you do on the ice, it's about your effort. Are you a member of the team? Are you showing up? Are you putting your best effort in? You know, are you doing what it is that you’re showing up in the way that we have had the expectation that you'll show up?"
And he set that expectation when we, you know, sat down and had the family meeting about what it looks like, right? So, I think Conscious Parenting, and I don't know that that was really discipline-oriented, but I'm very clear, right?
I try to have a conversation with him, 'Here's the expectation, what do you think about it?' Okay. He agrees or disagrees. We modify it, right? It's a plan that we all buy into, and then it's up to all of us – to each of us – to toe the line and to meet those expectations.
And so, that for me is the way that I've taken Conscious Parenting – in that, just a very intentional, directive, and collaborative effort between everyone.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. There's a quote that comes to mind – and I can't remember who it's by, and I might have said it on the podcast before, but – it's, "There's a yes in compassion, but there's a no in compassion said with the same courage of heart."
I love that quote because I think that sometimes we think compassion and love and kindness means also permissiveness, that we just let our kids do whatever. Like what you said, it means discipline-free. Right? That's totally not what it is.
And so, that's such a good example of still holding that boundary. I think oftentimes, we get misconstrued with like-- I think even the term natural consequences makes people like not understand it because they're like, 'Okay, natural consequences – you stayed up too late on your phone, and now you get your phone taken away.'
And that's us instilling ourselves in that and making that consequence that doesn't just happen, right? It's like, I drop my phone and it falls on the ground – like, that's a natural consequence. I think that the way that I describe it more, is like boundaries. Like, so, what are the-- Because boundaries do keep us safe, and it helps our children to feel more safe and secure when there is a boundary.
I love that you sat down with your son and you came up with that expectation together, like it was coming from him. It wasn't like, 'I've decided that you're going to play hockey and this is what it's going to look like.'
And I do the same with my-- My oldest son is homeschooled, and he sat down and said, "This is how many hours I want to do; this is what I want to be doing in those hours." We check in every week, we see; how is it going, how can I help support you? Like, what do we need to shift here?
An example of boundaries without it being a reward or punishment
Crystal The Parenting Coach: And so, to use a little bit more of a discipline example, just how boundaries have played out in my life without it being a reward or punishment is, I remember my eight-year-old son was having a really hard time going to bed, and I was like, it's bedtime – like, we have to go, I have to go to work. It's bedtime.'
And he wouldn't go, and he is running around the house and he's screaming and yelling; and I just took a moment to like calm myself and to take a few deep breaths, and to just let him be and freak out.
And then I went up to him, and I just sat with him, and I just looked at him and I was like, 'I can tell you're having a really hard time.' And he's like, 'Yeah, I'm having a really hard day.'
And I was like, 'I'm sorry you're having such a hard day.' And I gave him a big hug and I said, "But we still need to go to bed." And he wanted a break, he wanted space. And I'm like, "That's fine, I'll come back in a little bit." And I kept just saying the same thing, "I know you're having a hard time; I love you so much, but we still need to go to bed."
And I didn't pick him up and drag him in there, and I didn't say, "Now you have a time out because you're not listening." And I didn't, you know, yell and scream, although I'm not always perfect so I do yell sometimes still.
Mikki Gardner: Sure, we all do.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: But in that moment, what occurred to me – once he did get up and go to bed and give me a hug – was that, that is what Conscious Parenting is. That's what intentional parenting is, right?
It's like stopping and doing it with an intentionality instead of being so reactive, because reactive would be like, 'Go to your room right now, like, you're grounded,' or you don't get this tomorrow or whatever because you're not listening to me. And, it is-- We make it mean all about us, right? It's like it's us in that moment that's exacerbating it.
Standing WITH our kids through their struggles
Mikki Gardner: Absolutely. And I mean, I think sleep is one of those things that-- One of the things that people don't talk about, but it really is an issue for so many families-- And at different times, and I know my son had a period of time and, you know, did I handle it well? I didn't, there were nights I was exhausted.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Oh yeah.
Mikki Gardner: He would come in my room and wake me up, and I'm like, 'Are you kidding me?' Right? And probably didn't show up consciously or – you know, as I would've hoped to. But what it did teach me was I was reacting out of what was going on for me without really trying to understand what was going on for him.
And similar to what you did, it took us a few, you know, probably about a week of a little bit of patience, but consistency – just stay in the course. Like this isn't going to change, you know? And over time, he worked through it, but they need the help to work through it sometimes. Or sometimes they just need to know that it's okay that they're struggling. Right?
Because sometimes it isn't going to be fixed in a day. Sometimes it's not going to be fixed, you know, in a week. We have to be our--
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Ours is easier. Our sleeping issues were like, and were very long and took a long time; and only now, only the last couple of months, with that specific child has it been getting better.
And I think he was seven at the experience that I'm thinking of. But I love what you said about just being able to just sit with him in that struggle, and be like, 'Yeah, this is hard,' because sleep is so hard.
I had Dr. Deborah MacNamara on my podcast this season, she's the author of Rest, Play, Grow, and she was talking about sleep a little bit; and she said some of what she's going to be coming out with next is going to be sleep-related, because sleep is such a huge separation issue for them, right?
They don't know, like when they close their eyes that you're just going to be there again in the morning; it's like everything's gone for them. And so, we're so logical about it, like, 'Oh, you close your eyes – you lay down, you sleep, you wake up in the morning, it's fine.' Right?
In their mind they're like, 'Wait, how does this work? And, are you sure you're going to be there? Is mom going to be there? And if she was mad at me before she went to bed, then is she just not going to be there?'
And I know it sounds illogical, but their little brains are illogical; ours are too, sometimes – or a lot of the times.
Mikki Gardner: Absolutely. And I think now, more than ever, is when we really need this work because the last 18 months of what we collectively as a world have been through with the COVID and the pandemic and isolation and shutdowns and the masks, and all the things, right?
And this is not a commentary about any of it, but we're just starting to see the impact, right. And I know that me, personally, my anxiety has been up and down, right? The uncertainty and the not knowing – and which direction are we going, and who's right and all the things – our kids absorb that, more than we could ever know.
But they're not saying anything about it where we might be talking to our friends about it and venting our frustration and like getting information. They're not; they're just at the mercy of everyone else telling them what to do, and it's been so much for them to absorb.
And so, I think now's the time that we need this work more than ever because the anxiety that we're instilling in our children, the fear, all of those things – you know, we need to offset that as parents. And really, I think that's where conscious parenting comes in, is that you have two choices; a loving action or fear-based action, right?
And traditional discipline models are more fear-based. You know, and that's why it's a top-down structure to push down, to control, to eliminate fear for the adult. And so, I think that's why this is so important that now this movement is coming because we need to be more connected. We need to be more conscious about what's happening outside our home as well as inside.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah, exactly. And, I wonder-- I agree with all of that; I think it's really intuitive, like what you said – or maybe not so intuitive. And I think we really have to take a minute to think about our kids that are struggling, with all of the things that have happened over the last year-and-a-half, might not be verbalizing it to us.
They might not be talking about it and talking to their friends about it and finding answers and saying like, "Oh, I'm worried about this." And I remember one of my sons was getting COVID-tested – we haven't had it so far – but a while ago, he was getting tested and he was fairly sick.
And my eight- or nine-year-old, the same one that struggles with sleeping – I can't remember if he was seven or eight at that time – one night said to me like, "Do you think he's going to die?" And I was like, 'What? Who are you talking about?' And he was just like-- He was so--
He had just spun this whole story of like, 'Well, if he's going to get COVID, then like, what does that mean? And like, does that mean he's going to die – and, like, did kids die, and all these things?
And we don't watch a lot of news. It only came from like him just picking it up at, you know, hearing it from other people that his brain misconstrued this whole scenario and how it was going to play out; and he was so relieved when it came back negative.
And I think that sometimes we don't take the time to notice like what really could be going on behind their behavior, could be something really big that we don't even see, and that we're not taking the time to figure out because we have our own really big things happening that are kind of blocking our own view from that.
Mikki Gardner: You know, I think they just absorb so much more than we intend. And, you know, I try to limit the consumption of everything, right? But we can only limit so much. And there's a point where we can't limit; they have to learn to age-appropriately live within the world.
But you know, my son asked me, he really struggles with all these Active-Shooter Drills that they do at school now; he gets very upset about it. And you know, Day 1 of school this year, they decided to bring it up. It's like, I mean, we're just getting back--
Crystal The Parenting Coach: You're like, Day 1's hard enough as it is.
Mikki Gardner: Day 1, right? And I was like, come on, you know, but whatever. He came home and he said, "Well, mom, how did you deal with it?" And I looked at him and said, 'Sweetie, I didn't – you're in a world that I didn't have to grow up in, so I can't tell you how to do it, but I can stand here and walk with you and we'll figure it out together; you know, and I can love you and promise you that I'll do everything I can to get you home safe every night.'
You know, it's like-- And that's the point where we have to kind of, that's the as isness of life, right? Like we are living in the world that we're living in, and we can only change what we have the capacity to change. And so, the rest of it, I think it's really about getting intentional and purposeful and showing up for them.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Oh, I think what you just said, I can stand here and walk with you and be here with you. Like, we won't have gone through the same experiences our kids do in almost any situation--
Mikki Gardner: No.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: But we can still help them. And Brené Brown says, "The empathy isn't going through the same thing, it's connecting to the emotion below the thing." And we have all felt the emotion below that, the emotion of fear or worry or anxiety. And we can still connect that with our kids.
And I think that's such a good summary of Conscious Parenting that I can stand here with you and walk through this with you, and I'm going to be here with you. And it's not about, you know, changing your behavior, what you're doing right or wrong, or like – we focus so much on that as parents, right? So much.
And it's kind of dropping that focus and being at like, 'I'm here with you, I'm connecting with you, I love you – and also, I'm human, so I'm going to still yell sometimes.'
Mikki Gardner: Absolutely.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: 'And I'm going to still go through my own stuff.'
Mikki Gardner: Right. But I can-- The best thing we can do, someone was just telling me the other day, a client, that they had a parent who showed no emotion, so they don't even understand what it looks like. So, for her, any emotion is dangerous, right?
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah.
Mikki Gardner: The best thing we can do is look at our children. We're really just trying to raise adults, right? Like, if that's the angle. So, it's none of this little stuff in between. It's adulthood, right?
And so, it's that long game that we can hold their hand and walk next to them and teach them emotional intelligence. We can teach them resilience, we can teach them empathy, right?
And do all of those things with the kind of loose hand knowing that we just have – it's adulthood that we're working towards, not the grade this semester or the trophy or whatever. It's like a long game.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Like, zoom out from whatever's going on in this little moment here.
Mikki Gardner: Yeah.
Mikki Gardner’s tip for parents struggling with Conscious Parenting
Crystal The Parenting Coach: If there's one last tip that you could leave with someone who's struggling to parent in this way – who's maybe read the book or heard the things, wants to struggle in a more positive and conscious way, and maybe has some of those books hidden in their closet… or is on the Facebook groups and like, 'I don't really know what to do' – what do you think one little step, one small step could be for them?
Mikki Gardner: I would say change your focus, meaning; don't try to change your child or change-- I talk to a lot of women, so it's not about changing your acts and making them a different parent. It's not about changing your child, and getting them to do what you want to do.
We don't-- We can't change other people, right? We can only control our thoughts and emotions and actions, but we can shoot for influence. And so, if we focus on being in a positive influence in our children's lives or in our family, even changing one tiny thing – yelling maybe less, or letting an argument go that really doesn't need to be fought.
You know, my favorite quote is, "You don't have to attend every fight you're invited to."
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes.
Mikki Gardner: We could all learn a little bit more of that, I think, right? But even a one-degree shift over time, puts you in a completely different destination. So, it's just one thing, right? Just deciding on one little thing, 'I'm going to let this thing go and I'm not going to-- I'm not going to fight so hard for it, or I'm going to just try to not respond nasty,' or whatever it is.
Like one little tiny change, over time makes a big difference. And when you start to do that, you start to become a model. You can influence people through that versus trying to change them, which, you know, I'm like leaning in and like grabbing.
Change is about really like manipulating and shifting and changing – where influence is about kind of just guiding, right? We want to be like the Yoda, walking them in a direction--
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes, I love that tip. Everybody, be the Yoda-- that's all you need--
Mikki Gardner: Yoda.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: -to remember from this episode. Oh, so good. Thank you, Mikki.
Mikki Gardner: Thank you.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: I loved so many of your insights and just resonate with all of it so much.
How to contact Mikki Gardner
Crystal The Parenting Coach: If people want to connect with you, outside this episode, how can they reach you? Where are you?
Mikki Gardner: Thank you for asking. I appreciate that. So, I have a podcast, the Co-parenting with Confidence. I would love to talk with you there.
I am on Instagram; I love connecting there and talking with people, so feel free to DM me, but it's just @mikkigardner – it's M as in Mikki M-I-K-K-I, and then Gardner. And that's pretty much where I hang out; podcast or Instagram.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Me too, podcast and Instagram; I'm with you. And I will link those below. So, if you scroll down in the show notes, you'll be able to see those so you can click and head over and connect with her right away. Thank you so much for this great conversation.
Mikki Gardner: I just adore you in everything you do and your podcast, and I'm so grateful to be here with you. So, thank you so much.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Thank you. I hope you enjoyed today's episode. Make sure that you give it Five Stars on Apple, and check out my monthly membership for moms in the show notes.
