S04|13 - Connection in Parenting

 

Connection is THE most powerful tool in our parenting toolbox. Traditional parenting tactics look like spanking, grounding, and time-outs. You’ll notice with traditional methods that over time, they don’t really seem to work- in fact, they make things worse. Connection works long-term and creates the kind of relationship that you want to have with your kids.

In today’s episode:

• The real problem with rewards and punishments (and what they teach)
• How to use connection as teaching tool with our kids
• How to connect to US first- so we can connect with THEM with ease
• Connection and the model, where does it fit?

---

Are you new to the podcast? I've made a roadmap to help you start breaking the parenting cycle and parent through connection, not coercion:Get it here

I would be honored to help guide you on your journey. The work that I talk about in my podcast and use in my coaching has completely turned my life around and healed my relationships with my children. I know what it takes and how to make it happen. You can use the links below to get more of my content and to learn what we do in my coaching program. I love helping people have better relationships with their strong-willed children, and better relationships with themselves in the process.

My coaching program: 12-week intensive
Find me on the ‘gram: The.Parenting.Coach
Work with me 1:1: click here

 

 

Episode Transcript

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hey, I'm Crystal, the Parenting Coach. I'm a certified life coach and mom of four. In this podcast, we combine radical connection and positive parenting theories with the How-To Life Coaching Tools and Mindset Work to completely transform our relationship with our children. 

Join me on my journey, unleash your inner parenting expert, and become the mother you've always wanted to be. 

If you're loving my podcast and want to help spread this work to other moms, I would really appreciate it if you would share on social media. Don't forget to tag me, and take a moment to rate and review it; every little bit counts. Make sure to check out my transformative coaching program in the show notes.

 

Hi, and welcome to today's episode, Connection in Parenting. Now, if you just recently found me, then go back and listen to a few of the last episodes. 

In fact, in the show notes, if you go and download, I have a PDF there about cycle-breaking; and it's going to go through a bunch of my favorite podcast episodes that will help you get you started – and it will also give you some exercises and questions and practices to work on also. So, if you're new, go to that first. 

 

What is Connection-based parenting?

What we do here is we talk about connection-based parenting, and we talk about it in a different way. We use thought work tools, we use mindset tools, we use emotion work; and we combine all of that, which is the How-to… how we actually parent and show up in the way that we want to with our kids. 

So, this episode and last episode, we were talking about connection. Last week, I talked about what blocks us from connection; and make sure you go back and listen to that one because it was super good.

But today, we're going to talk about how to actually create that connection and lean into that connection, and use it as a major parenting tool… use it as the major parenting tool in your parenting toolbox. 

I don't love the word tool, PS; somebody else has to have a better word – and let me know what it is because it seems so mechanical and cold, and connection is the opposite of that. 

But regardless, onto connection. So, in my mind, connection-based parenting is relationship above all; relationship above everything else, connection above everything else – and then everything else just kind of falls seamlessly and easily into place when connection is our main focus. 

There's two premises around connection-based parenting; one is to focus on the connection and relationship more than anything else, have that be at the foreground always.

And number two is the way that we teach, if we're like, 'Okay, well, that's great, but how do I actually teach my children – well, they'll learn naturally from you by the model, by the behavior that you will be modeling to them regularly, but they're not going to be able to accept that behavior that you're modeling if you don't have a good connection relationship first. 

So, I always go to number one first. Once we figured out number one, then let's also go to number two. Typically, we're kind of doing both simultaneously; well, either way. Even if we're modeling not great behavior, we're always modeling – but that is how we teach. 

 

The real problem with rewards and punishments (and what they teach)

I'm going to talk a little bit about traditional parenting techniques. So, traditional parenting tactics might look like spanking, grounding, timeouts, yelling, threats, bribes taking away the Xbox or giving extra Xbox time – Xbox time if your kids listen or pay attention to you. 

Now, the reason that we do this is because it does work. It doesn't work in the way that we think it's working, though, it works pretty much instantly. But over time, you'll notice that you probably have to kind of up the ante, take away more or give more. 

And the other thing that doesn't really work about it is that it's very extrinsic; it's external, it's all happening outside of them. We're not teaching them to actually want to listen and obey. We're not actually teaching them the skill that we're trying to teach them; we're just teaching them out of either fear or desire. 

Fear because they don't want their Xbox or their cell phone taken away or they don't want to be yelled at, they don't want to be sent to their room or spanked – or desire for some sort of a reward that we want, they want. 

I read a study one time that was talking about reading, and they were trying to get these kids to read more effectively and to want to read more. And so, they started giving them like stickers or some sort of bribe at the end of it. 

It was small, but over time, they stopped reading for pleasure – and they only wanted to read if they were going to get more and more and more of the reward. Now, that is exactly how it used to happen in my home. 

I don't know if this is resonating with you at all, but it was like I would give them something or take away something, but over time, I always had to take away more or give more; and I just felt like it was not working. 

And so, (A) what we're really teaching them is just to listen out of fear or desire – not because they want to, not because they're internally motivated.  And (B), it actually breaks down the safety and security part of our relationship, that unconditional connection. 

Connection is a desire for love and belonging, that's what connection is. And all of us as humans want it; and especially, we want it even on our rough days, even in our worst days – that's when we're really wanting it. We're hoping that people will love us even when we're super prickly.

And so, when our kids are having their prickly days, and we're really frustrated with them – and instead of loving and including them and connecting with them, we're like, 'Okay, go to your room' – or, you know, 'You don't get this', or 'You get more of that… or whatever… if you stop doing this' – we're not really allowing them to just be them.

We're not giving them the love, belonging and connection that they want no matter what. And I think it's even more powerful to give it to them in the times when they're hurting the most, when they're struggling the most. 

 

How to use connection as teaching tool with our kids

The other thing is it doesn't affect the behavior we're trying to make it affect. So, for instance, my kids talking back – every time I tell them to do something, they're like snapping back at me or unkind or whatever to me, or maybe they're fighting with a sibling. 

So, what I want to be teaching them behind that is maybe respect – or maybe kindness, compassion, empathy – maybe it's listening skills. I'm not teaching them that through giving them some sort of reward or punishment; that's not what I'm teaching them. 

I'm teaching them to only do that because they're going to get something or because they're not going to get something. But how would I actually teach them… if I was trying to teach them through connection, then it would flip to like, 'Okay, how can I teach this skill that they're lacking?' 

And oftentimes, they're just struggling. They're just having a day or a week or a year that's a little bit more rough – or maybe that skill is developmental and it's still being taught, they're still learning it.

And going back to the second premise of connection-based parenting, we are going to be teaching them all of the time through modeling; and teaching happens naturally. 

So, that's what connection-based parenting is all about; focusing less on behavior manipulation – focusing less on what we want them to do or not do or all of the ways that we would like them to change, focusing less on that coercion and that control – and focusing more on connection. 

And it's just an amazing space to be in because your influence in that position actually grows. You'll have greater influence in your child's life if you focus on connection. 

If you've ever heard of attachment-based parenting, the main guru of that was Dr. Gordon Neufeld. Attachment is something that's been around for a long time, but he kind of took that and combined it with some developmental philosophies. 

And what I love about what he talks about is that if we have this great connection to our child, we have what he calls the roots of attachment. And within these roots of attachment; we want sameness, we want to be like them, we want that belonging, we want to listen and obey to them and that'll… obey them, and that all comes naturally through that connection. 

He also talks about peer-oriented attachment, which I'm not going to dig into a lot today, but I would suggest to go listen to his book, Hold on to Your Kids: it's really great. And about how our kids can be attached to and connected to their peers instead of, to us.

So, in that connection-based parenting mode, what we want to be focusing on is connection and relationship - and then, also, what are we modeling to them? That's how we're teaching. And also, that the learning is happening naturally even in the moments when we don't think it is, that it's all happening naturally.

So, we want to focus more on how we're showing up so that we can lean into connection and focus more on how we're showing up so that we can be modeling the behavior we actually want to see in them. 

 

How to connect to US first- so we can connect with THEM with ease

So, we're going to talk a little bit about how to dig into this connection piece. First of all, we have to be able to connect with ourself. 

 

1. Being focused and present with ourself

So, connection with ourself looks like being focused and present with ourself. 

If you're anything like I used to be and like I sometimes still slip into, it's like I'm on social media a lot or maybe I'm on the phone a lot or maybe I am working a lot or maybe the kids are in a bunch of different activities and we're just rushing from place to place to place – and life just kind of gets filled up to all of the tiny little corners of it, and there's no room for breath or pause or space – then there's also not room for connecting with self.

 

2. Taking time alone

Connecting with self looks like taking time alone for just me, with just me – no distractions, complete pause. So, I would suggest to go do that, even for five minutes; go into your room, lay down… and we're just going to pause. 

You can ask yourself some questions like; who am I? What do I love about myself? What am I like? This ties into how to have a healthy relationship with yourself, which we were just talking about a few episodes ago. So, you can go dig into those episodes for more on this. But just taking time to connect with you and who you are at your core.

 

3. Connect to our thoughts

The other thing we can do is connect to our thoughts; what thoughts do you have about you, when you're just pausing and resting and you're noticing what's going on with your brain? What kind of thinking comes up for you? 

You can just sit and you can listen to those thoughts. You can write them down on a piece of paper, but just notice, let's just connect to our thoughts for a minute. What kind of relationship do I have with myself when I think about the thoughts that I have about myself?

 

4. Connect to our body

Another way that we can connect to ourself is to connect to our body. So, in that moment when we're just sitting there and we're just having that pause and that rest and that breath; what am I feeling? What smells do I notice around me? What do I see around me? What do I sense? What does it feel like in my body to be me – to be focused, to be present, to be mindful? 

We want to take some time just connecting with ourselves and just pausing because this is going to help us be in the best space to then help our kids do the same; connect with themselves and their thoughts and their body. 

But for now, we want to do it for ourselves because it's really hard when we're just constantly busy and rushed and frantic all the time to feel connected to anybody, to us or to them. 

And it's really hard to connect with them if we're not connected to us also. So, take a little bit of time, spend some time, kind of, connecting with you. If you can do this every day, that's great. 

 

Connection and the model, where does it fit?

And I want to talk about the self-coaching model. 

 

C -T-F-A-R (CTFAR)

So, I've talked about this a few times. I talked about at the beginning of the season, and I have a more in-depth overview in Season 1; but this is the model; C -T-F-A-R (CTFAR). 

C = Circumstance
T = Thought
F = Feeling
A = Action
R = Result

C is circumstance or circumstances – or the situations around us, the facts around us. And those lead to our thoughts; thoughts are just words in our brain, sentences that run through our brain all the time. If you're anything like me, there's a lot of thoughts going on a lot of the time. 

Our thoughts create our feelings. So, it's C-T-F F, is feeling. Thoughts create our feelings, which is just a physical vibration in our body; it's just the way our body is feeling. 

And then that feeling fuels our actions; that's the A part – so, C-T-F-A-R. And the actions are all fueled by that emotion, and our actions create our results. 

So, when we think about connection, we're like, well, where does connection fit in the model? Connection fits everywhere in the model. So, we can have thoughts that lead to connection, right? We can have connection-based thoughts. 

So, for my kids, this might be things like; I love them, I love spending time with them, I love who they are, I'm so glad that I'm a mom, I'm so glad that I get to parent them – Oh, that's so fun what they just did – Oh, that's so cute what she did, right?

Those are some thoughts that might lead to connection for me, might feel connection-based. Connection can also be a feeling; it can lead to a feeling, right? If you think of connection, it's a feeling in your body. 

So, take a minute just to think; how does connection feel in my body? What does that actually physically feel like if I'm sitting with it? And try to amplify that, maybe it feels light, maybe it feels eerie, maybe it feels kind of like it's burning – like a joyful burning, growing light. I don't know. 

Just describe it to yourself. Sit with that feeling. Try to really lean into that feeling and amplify that feeling so you know what it feels like for connection. 

And the description that Brené Brown always gives about connection is that it's love and belonging. So, what does love and belonging feel like inside of me, as it were an emotion? 

Now, let's go to actions. Connection is also in the Action-line. There's actions that fuel connection; there's actions that we do because we are feeling connected, right? 

If we're feeling connected to somebody, we're going to respond really differently to them than if we're not; maybe we're going to call them more, maybe we're going to reach out more, maybe we're going to spend more time with them. 

We're probably going to focus on what they're saying when they're talking. Maybe we try to spend time having fun together, truly listening to them when they're talking, focusing our energy and our presence there because those are all actions of connection. 

And then in the R-line, that's the results that's created, the result that's created through our actions. 

 

Why connection starts with feelings

So, we can also create the result of connection in the model. So, it can fit everywhere in the model, but my favorite place to place it in is the F-line – in the feeling line, the feeling of connection, how does that feel? 

And the reason I like to focus on this is because then it's going to always amplify those actions, right? The actions will come naturally. I used to feel when I was learning about connection-based parenting that I was trying to like time things like, 'okay, I need to spend five minutes with this kid or 20 minutes with this kid so that I can like check off like, okay, connection time,' but that doesn't work because each kid probably needs a different amount of time. 

And it was a lot more mechanical in that way when I was like, 'Let's just do it now just because I need to get this connection time in – and it's going to work, it's going to make this relationship work.' But it doesn't when we're looking at it that way, right? 

We can do it if we just remember like, 'Oh, I haven't had time to connect with my kids today, I'm going to go and do this,' right? It might come naturally, but when we're trying to force it and push our way and like grid our way to connection, it's never going to be a helpful space to be in. 

So, what we want to do instead is figure out, how can we feel more connection? Because then the A-line of connection will come so naturally; you won't even have to know, you won't even have to ask me.

Like, I have this PDF that's like 25 Ways to Connect with your Kids; and like, that's great and awesome and can be helpful, but like you won't need that PDF if you feel connection because you'll connect with your kids in your own unique way, with your own unique kids, with the time that you and them need. 

It's not going to have to be this like prescribed method of like, this is what connection looks like, right? That's not what we need to do to focus on connection. 

We can create the result of connection through our thoughts because our thoughts always create our results. So, if we're not feeling connection right now – this works with ourself also, but then with our kids – then we need to figure out; why we're not feeling that, why is that not in our feeling line? 

And so, that's when we dig into our thoughts, there's thoughts that are going to create connection. If connection was like an end-goal – like it was a direction that we're going and like to the north, we have connection… to the south, we have disconnection – I want you to think about your thoughts about your kids and about yourself and notice, are these thoughts about me and my kids leading us to the north or to the south? 

So, what you're going to do is you're just going to write down some of your thoughts – you can write your name at the top of the page or you can write down your kid's name at the top of the page – and you're just going to dump all of your thoughts out… stream of consciousness. let everything out.

Then as you're going back and reading through those thoughts – especially the ones that feel really believable – are they leading you to the north, to land of connection… or are they leading you to the south, the land of disconnection? 

I'll give you some examples. I already gave you some thoughts that lead to connection, right? For our kids; we love them, we have a great relationship, they're so easy to get along with – this is simple, this is fun, they're fun – I love them, they're funny, whatever. All those little things. 

Thoughts that might lead to connection for ourselves are; I love myself, I'm compassionate for myself, I know that I'm human and it's okay to make mistakes, I'm doing my best, I'm always trying, I love me, I think I'm amazing – whatever those thoughts are that lead to that feeling of connection for you.

Now, if we notice; that most of our thinking in those thought dumps, not only feel really believable and true, that's when we really know we need to work on it – is when it feels very true, very factual. Like just as factual as like, I just read this from a book also, this is true too, like I'm a terrible mom, right? 

When those thoughts come, so thoughts that might lead to disconnection about us might be; I'm doing a terrible job, I'm ruining my kids, this is my fault, I'm never going to figure this out, I can't believe I did this again, so-and-so would do this so much better than me. 

Those are going to be thoughts that lead to disconnect for you, between you and you – your relationship with yourself. And thoughts that are going to lead to disconnect with your kids are going to be things like; they're so difficult, we have a really hard relationship – our relationship isn't as easy as it is with, you know, [fill in the blank, another kid]. 

Even thinking they're a strong-willed child, even notice how that feels in my body; like if I think they're really strong-willed, I'm probably already going to feel some disconnect there. Like, 'Ugh, they're hard, this is heavy, this is tough.' 

And if whatever that belief or that thought is that you wrote down leads to a feeling of disconnection, which can be overwhelm or frustration or stress or upset… discouragement, that it's not leading you north. If it's not leading you north, it's leading yourself.

And so, what we think in thought work is, 'Oh, okay, well, we just have to change our thoughts and think happy thoughts all the time and we'll be good.' But that's like standing in front of a mirror and saying positive affirmations until you're blue in the face; and then wondering, after three years, why you don't believe your positive affirmations yet. 

And you don't believe them yet because it's about unbelieving what you currently believe. It's not about believing anything new; it's about unbelieving your current beliefs. 

So, when you wrote down your beliefs about you and you wrote down your beliefs about your kids, we're going to go through those one-by-one – and we're going to unbelief those.

 

The Thought-dump tool review

There's three steps to a thought-dump. I've taught this in past podcast episodes, so I'm just going to review them quickly; but step one is dumping it all out on paper. 

Step two is sorting through the thoughts and the facts. Facts are things that everybody could agree on, things that we see, things that we hear, things that actually get physically done; those are facts. 

And then, everything else's thoughts so we're going to circle all the thoughts; and then once we get it down to the thoughts, we're going to start to question… ask ourselves some powerful questions, is this factually true? Even if this is factually true, does it feel good? How do I show up with this belief? If this belief was an outfit that I was putting it on for the day, how do I act and respond and interact with other people when I'm wearing this 'belief' outfit? 

That's how we start to unbelief those thoughts. And the more that we can unbelief these thoughts, the more place the new thoughts will have. They'll just come naturally as we wiggle around these, kind of, stick-firm thoughts that aren't really serving us – we'll kind of crack open little pieces, and these new thoughts will kind of just start to like spread their little light in. 

It's like a little rock, and we're like cracking the rock open… and little bits of light are getting in until, eventually, we're like, 'Oh wait, this rock's all broken into pieces, I don't actually believe this anymore.'

So, the power of coaching – getting an actual live coach and not just, you know, listening to podcast episodes or reading books or taking courses – is that we can help you see things in a different way, we can help with this third step of questioning your thinking and changing around your mindset in a much more accelerated way. 

You can totally still get it from the podcast. People message me almost weekly saying how much the podcast is helping them, helping them change the relationship with their kids, how different they are from listening to it.

It totally works this way too, but if you want to amplify that – and if you want the timeline to really be a lot less, then that's what helps; coaching is what helps. So, make sure you scroll down to the show notes when you're finished listening to this episode, and check out my current programs. 

I typically am taking on just a few one-on-one clients, and then I usually have some sort of a small group happening at the same time. So, make sure you check those out, and just send me a message on Instagram and we can chat. 

But coaching is so powerful. If you haven't been able to see the power of coaching, make sure you go back and listen to-- There's two podcast episodes so far that I've put out where I'm actually coaching my own clients; and you can listen to that whole session and see how that goes.

 

So, in summation, connection is the best tool to have in your toolkit for parenting. But in order to have that connection with your kids, you first need to figure out how to connect with yourself. 

If you feel like your connection with yourself is going really well, then move on to the next steps; learn how to connect with your kids – create thoughts that help you connect with your kids… feelings that feel like connection, unbelief the thoughts that are leading to disconnection. 

And then once you can do that, then number two is teach through modeling. Just role-model whatever it is that you want to see in your child, become that first. 

I hope you enjoyed today's podcast episode. Don't forget to send me a little note, review it, rate it, share about it on social media, share it with a friend who's struggling – and reach out if you want more support in coaching, scroll down to the show notes to find out about my current program.