S05|25 - Before + After Parenting Coaching: Camille’s Journey Through Parent SchoolJan 02, 2023
Parenting Coaching is SO much more than just a conversation. It’s SO much more than a how-to guide, quick scripts or advice. It’s deep. It’s healing. It’s transformative… in every area of your life. Sharing our stories is powerful, and I’m elated to bring you a deep and special story of parenting change today, from my client Camille.
On the podcast today:
- My client Camille shares where she was at before parenting coaching and how we found each other
- Her goal of having deep and connected relationships with her kids and how she reached it
- How Camille listened to THIS podcast and thought “that could be my story too” and jumped right into coaching
- What has changed for her throughout coaching, and what her parenting is like now (emotional regulation is KEY in this story)
- The importance of validating our children’s emotions, and being their safe space on their worst days
- “Relationship matters most” and “my kids are doing their best”- how to use these mantras to change your relationship with your kids
Coaching has changed my own life, and the lives of my clients. More connection, more healing, more harmony, and peace in our most important relationships. It increases confidence in any parenting challenges and helps you be the guide to teach your children the family values that are important to you- in clear ways. If you feel called to integrate this work in a deeper way and become a parenting expert, that’s what I’m here for.
Get the BOOK HERE: www.coachcrystal.ca/shop
Join the next round of PARENT SCHOOL: www.coachcrystal.ca/group
Email me at [email protected]
Get on the interest list for the next retreat: click here
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hi, I'm Crystal The Parenting Coach. Parenting is the thing that some of us just expected to know how to do. It's not like other areas of your life where you go to school to be taught, get on the job training, or have mentors to help you learn. Now, you can get that help here.
I believe that your relationship with your children is one of the most important aspects of your life, and the best way that you can make a positive impact on the world and on the future. I've made parental relationships my life study, and use life coaching tools with connection-based parenting to build amazing relationships between parents and their children.
If you want an even better relationship with your child, this podcast will help you. Take my Parenting Quiz, the link is in the show notes. Once we know what your parenting style is, I'll give you some tips tailored to you and a roadmap to help you get the most out of my podcast. I invite you to help me spread the word by sharing your favorite episode on social media or with a friend.
Episode 25, Before + After Parenting Coaching: Camille’s Journey Through Parent School.
In this episode, you are going to hear one of my clients talk about her and her journey in parenting, and where she was before Parent School, and what things are like for her after.
It's a really tender and special episode for me because she just opens up so deeply and shares so much of her story with us, and it's so good and so emotional. So, grab your tissues before you listen in.
Parenting coaching might be a little bit different than what you thought that it was, definitely different than what I used to think that it was; and it's very deep and it's very vulnerable and it's very emotional, and it's a healing and just all of the things. I can't even explain how transformative it could be.
So, I just wanted to have a little note before we dig into the episode and let you know that Parent School is open for enrollment.
And if it's something that you feel called to do, if you listen to this episode or if you've been listening to me for a while and you're filling that same little inkling that my client Camille felt when she was listening to the podcast – and she was like, "I just know it's the thing that's going to help me right now" – just call me.
Book a call with me, send me an email, check it out at the link in the show notes. Send me a DM on Instagram, whatever you want to do, because it can be so transformative. And listening back to this episode as I was making this little introduction, I was just-- I felt so grateful that I get to be on this journey.
I feel so grateful that I am trusted to hold the space for these amazing women who come in wanting the support and this guidance and trusting me to be that person for them, and how special it is to see the transformation.
I get emotional just thinking about it because it is so special; I can't believe that this is what I get to do in life, I just feel so blessed. So, thank you for listening; and if this episode resonates with you, I would love for you to share it on social media, share it with a friend who could use this support because it is a great episode.
Hello and welcome to the podcast today. I have a special guest. You've probably heard me talk about my program, Parent School, a few times; and we are just wrapping up Parent School right now.
And I've been able to be a part of the journey of these women, of these moms – and I have some couples, and it's been really awesome. And I asked if some of them would come onto the podcast and share their story.
I think that storytelling is super, super powerful; and I think hearing somebody else's story and what they're going through is really helpful for our own stories. And I just think the world should just share more stories.
How Camille listened to THIS podcast and thought “that could be my story too” and jumped right into coaching
Crystal The Parenting Coach: So, I'm excited for you to hear from my friend and client, Camille, as she shares a little bit of her story today. So, first of all, Camille, I would love for you to share with us maybe a little bit about like how you found me and how, why you decided to sign up for Parent School.
Camille: Yeah. I've had this dream in my head for years and years about what I wanted my family life to be like, what I wanted my relationship with my kids to be like; and I just wasn't there.
I feel like I thought that it would happen naturally because I've had this vision, and so I expected it to happen. And when I realized it wasn't happening and I needed help, I just started looking for ways to do that.
And I stumbled on your podcast and it was actually you who…like, when you shared your story about how you were before – your before and after of how you were with parenting was somewhat similar to mine. And so, I thought, oh. And so, I have to explain part of my dream, my vision has always been deep connected relationships-- Sorry, I get emotional.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: It is, I think it's an emotional thing. I feel like I cried through my whole first three episodes sharing my story.
Camille: Yeah, when I just-- When you told your story, it felt like that could be mine. So yeah, I listened to your podcast over and over, I mean, almost all the episodes. And finally, when I heard the invitation for the Parent School a couple times and was in a place where I felt like I could commit the time, kind of-- I mean, it was a-- Like we sacrifice for the things we really want.
And yeah, so I jumped in. And I have three boys who are 13, 11, and 9; and I just felt like timing's a little bit running out. I can see the end, you know, with them; and I just want to give it my best effort.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: I love that story because for one, how crazy is it that the universe showed you my podcast on the podcast app? I mean, I love my podcast, but it's not like a crazy downloaded podcast or anything – that you were able to find it.
And then I love what you also said about, like, that could be my story too. Like, I think that's what the power of sharing our stories is. I think when we share with somebody else what we've been through and how we changed, it can be so powerful for others also. So, thank you for sharing that.
And that was exactly my story too. I wanted this deep connected relationship with my kids, exactly like you said. And I was like, why isn't it happening? And I didn't really know where to go myself when I first started on this journey too, so thank you. Thank you for sharing that with us.
Camille shares where she was at before parenting coaching
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Tell us a little bit about what parenting was like then. If you wanted this deep and connected relationship with your kids and were kind of feeling like time was running out and it wasn't exactly what you wanted it to be, can you just paint the picture of what it was like?
Camille: Yeah, so there was a lot of frustration, I think blaming…like my kids are acting this way and triggering me so I'm justified in being annoyed and acting out – either yelling or shutting down or hiding out or withdrawing…are my go-tos.
There is not a lot of connection, like we homeschool and we spend a ton of time together, but that doesn't necessarily mean that connection goes hand-in-hand with that; it's not an automatic. The end there, sorry.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. I feel-- Yeah, that was all mine too. It was like, "I'm going to go withdraw in my room and just like watch Netflix or scroll social media or do something so I don't have to think about how frustrated I am" – or I would like react…I would like yell or even just be short-tempered or unkind in my tone.
And that's where we often find ourselves. We're like, we want to parent this way. We're totally not parenting in the way that we want to be, but we also don't know where to go.
Her goal of having deep and connected relationships with her kids and how she reached it
Crystal The Parenting Coach: So, what was kind of the main reason that you joined? Like what really turned you into being like, 'This is something I'm working at' versus like, 'Now I'm going to invest my time, my money, my energy to really do this thing'?
Camille: Well, my number one goal I told you was deep loving connection, deep loving connections with my family. But my number two goal has always been to be master of my inclusion.
And so, the Parent School is a lot about connecting with your kids – but for me, it was this journey of compassion with myself and learning to regulate my emotions. So, I knew, I mean, those cover both my mingles and so it was the best fit.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. It seriously was; you just like summarized exactly what we do because we come in thinking that it's going to be all about parenting, but really the how is learning this ourselves – mastering our emotions ourselves.
And by mastering, I mean like emotional regulation, which is something that we haven't been taught. Like we weren't taught it in school. Even like, I took a Psychology degree and we never talked about like how to process emotions or why emotions are important.
Like it was more about like the anatomy of the brain or how things worked. Like I never felt like anywhere that I went was talking about this. And I feel like it's one of the most important things that we have. And, I love that that was your goal to like master your emotions because that is how we teach our kids also; they're going to see how we do it.
So, it is kind of for them, but it's also for us. And I totally was in the same boat of like blaming my kids like, "It's my kids that are making it so that parenting is difficult…it's my kids that are making it so that I respond this way and, you know, that I can't show up in the way that I want." So, thank you for painting that picture for us.
What has changed for her throughout coaching, and what her parenting is like now (emotional regulation is KEY in this story)
Crystal The Parenting Coach: What shifts did you notice throughout? Or like, how was the experience of Parent School for you?
Camille: I would say, I had so many takeaways. So, first, I am definitely more aware of my emotions; and, you know, I know when I need to go scream in a pillow or journal and write it out or just sit with it – and how to get to the root of it.
So, I am like, you know, noticing my body and what needs to be done to process what I'm going through. And I would say, doing work on shame has been transformational for me. Sorry; I'm a crier, I wish I wasn't.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: No, it is fine.
Camille: Doing some shame work. It has-- It's decreased a lot of-- Crystal, I just-- I want to say it without being like weepy, and I can't.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Because it is a weepy thing because we don't talk about shame. We don't even-- Like, so many people are probably listening and are like, what is shame? What are you talking about? Right?
If you're listening to this podcast, you deal with shame; we all deal with shame. And it's all those inner thoughts of like, 'I'm not doing enough'…or, 'Maybe I should be doing more'…or, 'Why can't I figure this out?'
Like, all of those heavy thoughts we have about ourselves, and they are so heavy; and doing the work to turn that around is like, I think for me has been the most life-changing thing in my journey, for sure, with parenting – has been that.
Camille: Yeah. it's a good thing though. Like, you know, I feel like it's been such a blessing because by doing the 'shame work', I don't have nearly as many triggers, especially for my kids; and that has made it so that we can have that connection. I mean, I know it's cliché, but it really has been like a dream.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: I think we don't realize that it's shame that's blocking that connection. Right? It's like the ways that we're viewing ourselves and how we treat ourselves, that's blocking our ability to connect with others in the way we want to.
Camille: It really does. I mean, I learned my most played soundtrack of, my two biggest shame things are that I'm not good enough and I'm a bad mom. And like, when those thoughts start creeping in, I know that it's affecting me, for sure – and that there's work to be done.
Like there's illogical things going on in my brain, and that I can get to the root of them and move through them; and when I do that, my relationships are so much better and everything's more positive after that.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. And also, do you notice what she said about how it's not that she doesn't feel shame anymore? She's not like, "Okay, now I just always believe I'm a good mom."
I am not at that point either. And I don't think anybody on earth gets to that point – but I think it's like shame resiliency…like noticing it, noticing what's going on, and having a way to move through it and process it and feel through it is so powerful.
Camille: Yeah. Can I tell you another one?
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes. Yeah.
Camille: So, my other big takeaway was, what's different is I now have so much more allowance for myself and my kids to be human; and I have way more patience for their big feelings on their part.
One of my sons, he has what I call 'rage episodes'; and I have so much more compassion for his feelings. He used to rage, yell, cry, scream when he was having these big feelings for what felt like a long time.
It took him a long time to get past this episode, and I would let him go feel his feelings alone in another room. And I kind of just listening from off in the distance, kind of, like in shock and awe that he kind of felt like a little bit crazy. And I think I had that judgment of him.
And now, knowing what I know, when he starts to get like huffy and a little bit agitated – he's nine years old – so I know that I can go to him and if I'm calm and willing to be that for him and help him co-regulate so that he can lower his emotions and just sit with him.
And, you know, when he's in that Red Zone, I can understand that he just needs a calming influence. And I mean, even last night, like he had one of these where he blew up his older brother, and he was just--
He did go up to his room; and I wasn't there, but when I found out, he was off in that rage part of his mind and just illogical. And so, I went in and just sat with him and, you know, held his hand and gave him a little back tickle.
And you know, he vented for a minute and he just sat there; and, you know, I didn't have to say anything. And, you know, in my mind, I knew, probably I wasn't there, but I knew who maybe had started it.
But I just sat with him and told him that it's okay to be mad; and we all get angry, and it's human to be angry, and it's okay. And that I still like him, even when he is angry. And I don't think I've ever told him that.
Sorry. I don't think I've ever verbalized that, maybe even at his worst that I still love him and accept him. And that's part of my vision is…I want that relationship of where my kids feel accepted for who they are and don't feel like they have to try and be someone else for me.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: And accepted on their worst, right?
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Accepted at their worst days with their biggest emotions when they're behaving in the most maladaptive ways that we can still be there for them.
And the reason why we're typically triggered by that, and we typically can't respond in such a beautiful way like you did, is because of all of those triggers that we're bringing from our own childhood and all of this subconscious stuff we're kind of passing down.
And your story is so beautiful because I keep thinking; what a difference it would've made if me growing up and my friends and my clients growing up had a environment where their emotions were not only accepted, but they were validated, they were okay.
It was allowed. It was safe for them to be all of them, to be who they are authentically – and what a difference that would've made in our childhood, and what a difference now we get to make in our kids' childhood. So, thank you so much. I love that you shared such a tender example of how different that relationship can be.
The importance of validating our children’s emotions, and being their safe space on their worst days
“Relationship matters most” and “my kids are doing their best”- how to use these mantras to change your relationship with your kids
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Is there any other differences that you notice now that you're finished, now that you're graduated? I feel like I should have given people a certificate or something to be like, 'Ta-da, it's done!'
Crystal The Parenting Coach: So, now that you've gotten your invisible certificate, what is different now?
Camille: Yeah, I would say I've loved having the mantra of 'relationship above all'; that has really changed my relationship with my kids. And just having the attitude of 'my kids are doing their best' has really put relationship above all-- It's made a reality for me because without the skills relationship above all is really, really hard.
And so, knowing all the skills of when to do body work, when to do thought work, and when to sit with it…that kind stuff has really made it an attainable goal.
And so, back to the, like, my kids doing their best…that never crossed my mind because usually I was always thinking, "My kids aren't trying hard enough, they could do better."
And when I learned that…that really everyone is doing their best, all the time-- And for my kids and myself, sometimes their best is 20%, sometimes their best is 100%; but they're always trying.
And I think that I've learned just to be more accepting and understanding of that, and they can feel that and feel more at peace with just being who they are and not feeling like, "Oh, I have to do this so my mom doesn't get mad at me – or, you know, to earn certain things." Like, they're just more themselves is what it feels.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: I love that they're just able to be who they are, isn't that what we all want?
Crystal The Parenting Coach: An environment where we can be who we are, even at our like 0% days and our 100% days. And I'm just going to pull out the two mantras that you said that I talk about often are that; everybody's doing their best…our child's doing their best – and I'm doing my best with all the resources, with the mood, with the personality, with how much sleep I got, with how much food I have…all of that into consideration.
"This, in this moment, is my best. This is my 100%. Even if it is not showing up in the best way, it's still what I have the ability to do in that moment."
And then the other mantra is, relationship above all; so, relationship over behavior modification – relationship over like, "I'm stressed out"…or, "I need you to do this"…or, "I need the house clean".
Like if relationship matters most, it really starts to flip that in our mind…then how would I respond to this? Then would I force my kid to unload the dishwasher or to finish their homework tonight or to stop yelling or whatever?
Like, if relationship is the most important, then how do I show up? And it really changes the energy in that situation. Is there anything else that you want to add about any shifts that you kind of see now?
Camille: Well, I really love what we learned about the zones and recognizing those in ourselves, and even our kids. I feel like when you know-- There's the Green, Yellow, Red Zones.
And when you feel like you're getting in that yellow and being able to intervene and actually be self-aware enough to be like, "Oh, I need to do something about this."
I mean, before it would've just been like, I'm mad, and let it escalate until it bursts, kind of thing.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes.
Camille: And now, I feel like, you know, when you feel it creeping in and having the knowledge and – I don't know – the empowerment to know like, "Oh, I can stop this."
And I don't know why I didn't think of that before, but now when I'm doing that, it feels like--
Anyway, I have the skills to be able to keep from going red; and my kids you know, when I can tell something's up with them, it is a question that goes through my head like, "Oh, are they-- Does it-- Do they seem like they're agitated? Are they kind of yellow or is it that they're needing connection? Do I-- Do I need to go and connect with them? Do I need to-- Are they bored? Do they need stimulation? Are they tired? Are they hungry?"
Everything has just brought more awareness to individual relationships and individual emotions of what's going on with everyone.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. It's interesting because in Parent School we learn this all for us, but then we're able to use those tools with for our kids also.
So, for me, zones is one that I use for my kids where I'm like, 'Oh wait, I can tell their tone of voice and what's happening if they're in yellow or if they're in red…and then I can kind of know how to support them, I can kind of figure out a plan for when that happens.'
And I think for me too, it's been exactly like what you said; there's just so much more awareness around human behavior in general. I feel like I have more compassion for like, random people I meet on the street or like random people who comment on social media because I understand where they're coming from and why they're probably responding in the way that they are.
And I have so much more compassion for them – but that stems from the compassion that I first learned to develop for myself, and it kind of just like feeds into one another.
Camille's thoughts about the retreat
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Okay. One last question for you before you go.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Because you came all the way up to Canada for the retreat, I would love for you just to quickly say; what were your thoughts about the retreat? How did that help? How did it-- Did you love it? Did you hate it? Just tell us a little bit about your experience.
Camille: I love the retreat. I didn't-- I knew what to expect because I had just finished the Parent School, but it was such a perfect review of the things that I remembered and didn't and wanted to remember and implement in my life.
I think the Parent School was a lot of 'me work' that transformed into parenting connection work. And so, the retreat was a lot of individual work and it was just-- It was dreamy. It was beautiful. The yoga was very empowering and awesome. All of the other women up there were amazing, and it was so big.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: They were amazing to hear.
Camille: Yes. Other people's life and what they're going through, and to know, "Oh hey, I'm not the only one who feels like that and who's going through that, and that there's answers to how to get through it."
I guess, maybe I'm more like a two-rep learner where hearing it the second time, it sinks in more and I get it. And, it was--
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. It's like that spiraled learning, right?
Crystal The Parenting Coach: It's like you're always going back and learning it at a deeper level, and in a different way. And what I loved about the retreat was that shared stories, that idea as like; as we all share our stories, we're all helped, we're all edified. And hearing each individual story that was there, I feel like helped support all of us in our journey. It was-- It was awesome.
Camille: It was awesome because every story, there was a part in it for you that you could identify with, and there was a lot of sharing and it was really bonding.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: It was. It was so bonding, and it was so just deep right away. It was just so connecting. And I think that is the power of doing something like that in person for yourself. So, thank you.
Thanks Camille, for coming on and sharing your story – even the vulnerable parts of it, I think that we're not used to talking about shame and we're just like, "Ooh, that's a dirty word…let's not talk about it, let's pretend like we don't know what it is," or whatever.
And so, bringing that up and being like, "This was what was the biggest for me, this was the huge shift for me."
I think just like you said, hearing other people's stories at the retreat was so helpful for you, I am sure that throughout this episode people are going to be helped from the words that you've shared – from the experiences that you've had, from the thoughts that have come to you and that you've brought to this podcast. So, thank you so much for coming on today.
Camille: My pleasure.
Crystal The Parenting Coach: Thanks for listening. If you'd like to help spread this work to the world, share this episode on social media and tag me – send it to a friend, or leave a quick rating and review below so more people can find me. If you'd like more guidance on your own parenting journey, reach out.