S08|22 - Connection for Dads with Tal Eyre

Language matters- are we creating inclusive spaces in our homes, schools and communities? Or are we pushing away those who need accommodations the most? We can listen to our children, and to our own inner wisdom, and figure out what our kids truly need and help them to feel more connected and included. 

Join Siris Raquel Rivas-Verdejo and I as we talk all about how to advocate for our families and help our children find their unique gifts. Siris is the owner of Empowering Light Language LLC and works with busy individuals and families virtually to improve their communication and self-care facilitated by a greater connection with their bodies and powered by a greater awareness of how their language impacts their lives. 

On today’s episode you’ll hear: 

• How children’s behaviour is communication and how we can figure out what our kids are really saying to us.
• How to create inclusivity at home and school through connection. 
• Creating a healthy environment where all children feel thought of, accepted and wanted. 
• Working with our children’s strengths and interests to help them see their unique magic and create connection within the entire family
• How to tune into our “yes” and “no” and help our kids do the same (ie. what is your body telling you?) 

To Connect with Siris Raquel Rivas-Verdejo:
Website: empoweringlightlanguage.com
Email: [email protected]
Podcast: https://bit.ly/CaDFwSpodcast
IG: @empoweringlightlanguage

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Join the re-parenting movement, at my next retreat, The Inward Journey: www.coachcrystal.ca/the-retreat

Parent School: Discover your own unique path, with confidence… raising emotionally intelligent children that leave your home knowing that you truly, deeply care for them… that you aways have, and you always will. Isn’t that we all want deep down? That is my goal for me, and for you… and for the future generation for children we are raising. To be seen. To be heard. To be valued. To feel loved. To feel supported. To feel known. To welcome them to be themselves- fully and completely. That is The Work. I am here for it. Welcome. 

Join me for the LAST LIVE round of Parent School:

• shame resiliency: how to feel shame and move through it, what triggers us and why, and how to move through heaviness and use it for growth. 
• emotional regulation: what co-regulation is and how to support our children from our energy- not our words (not scripts and mantras, this work is much deeper than that), how to support ourselves and our kids through big emotions.
• the power of our thoughts and beliefs: how to separate who we are from what we think, how to create the exact relationship we want through the power of our mind 
• connection-based parenting: why it’s the way of the future, how to parent in a relationship-first manner, developing deep and lasting connections that last a lifetime.
• 6 modules covering all these topics, and more. 2 group coaching calls to get support in your individual family situations. (add-on available for your partner to join). 

Find all the information HERE.
Contact me via email: [email protected]
Audio/text message me on Voxer HERE.

 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hi, I'm Crystal The Parenting Coach. Parenting is the thing that some of us just expected to know how to do. It's not like other areas of your life where you go to school and get taught, get on the job training, or have mentors to help you, but now you can get that help here.

I believe that your relationship with your children is one of the most important aspects of your life, and the best way that you can make a positive impact on the world and on the future. I've made parental relationships my life study; and I use life coaching tools, emotional wellness tools, and connection-based parenting to build amazing relationships between parents and their children.

If you want an even better relationship with your child, this podcast will help you. Take my Parenting Quiz, the link is in the show notes. Once we know what your parenting style is, we will send some tips tailored to you and a roadmap to help you get the most out of my podcast.

 

Connection for Dads with Tal Eyre

Dads can connect to their kids in an amazing way, and teach and lead and guide through that connection. Join Tal and I on the podcast this week as we talk about his new book, Dad Mode, self-connection, connection with kids and more. 

In December, 2011, Anita and Tal welcomed their daughter Annina into their family, and dad mode was officially activated. Tal went on to earn a Master of applied Positive Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, and then applied his learnings with his family and as a Swiss-based leader in global business development. Through it all, Tal's highest priority has remained his family, and Dad Mode reveal some of his key learnings along the way. Tal and his family live in the Swiss Alps.

Today you'll hear about; self-connection and shadow work – and how they're at the center of increasing our connection with our kids – the four parenting styles and how connection helps you maintain healthy relationships – teaching our children through our own failures and imperfections. This is probably my favorite part. 

Also, I'm going to define what connection-based parenting means to me, and why I feel like it's so important. We're also going to talk about dropping permissiveness, dropping, yelling, and coercion – and parenting instead with love, while still maintaining boundaries.

 

Hello everybody. Welcome to The Parenting Coach Podcast with Crystal. I'm excited again for this episode. I'll tell you a little bit about it. I mean, you probably already listened to the intro, but the reason that I'm excited for this is because I've been coaching a lot of dads and couples over the last while, and I just really feel like there's not a lot of information out there for dads. 

There's a lot of moms speaking in this space. There's a lot of moms speaking to moms; and I try to pull in dads as often as I can, but there's just not a lot of information there. 

And so, I came across today's guest today just on Instagram and was like, 'Yep, this is-- this is who I need to bring in. This is the-- This is the voice in this space.'

And so, this is a perfect episode for you if you feel like you would like your partner to learn a little bit more about connection in parenting – specifically about parenting, maybe in a different way than maybe has been passed down to you. And it's a great episode to listen together with you and your partner so you can kind of have some conversations about what we're going to talk about today.

 

What Tal Eyre does and how he got started

Crystal The Parenting Coach: So, without further ado, I'll introduce you to Tal Eyre. I'll actually have you go ahead and just tell us a little bit about yourself.

 

Tal Eyre: All right, Crystal, thanks so much for having me on. I've heard some of your-- some of your work, some of the podcasts; and I'm so excited to talk with you about some of this stuff. 

So, yeah, my name's Tal Eyre. I live in Switzerland. I live in the Swiss Alps. I'm married to Anita Joos Eyre, and we have a 12-year-old daughter. We absolutely love it here. You can imagine if you're thinking about Switzerland, the little goats running around with their little bells on them and the--

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Ooh.

 

Tal Eyre: -and all that, and the cheese. It's all-- It's all the real deal.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Okay, I did not know that you lived in Switzerland. I saw some of your pictures and read some of your stuff, and this is so fascinating. Switzerland is one of the places we didn't get to when we were just traveling around the world. 

 

Tal Eyre: Oh. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: And we were really sad about it because all of my kids wanted to go – but we didn't bring our winter gear, and it was getting a little too cold that time in Europe, and we needed to go over to Southeast Asia so we could stay in kind of the warm zone, for us. So, we really want to come back. And my kids, one of their favorite all time books is Heidi; and they're always like, 'Up in the mountains with the goats.' Anyways, yes, Switzerland, just sounds lovely.

 

Tal Eyre: Yes, that's it. We live in Heidiland, like it's like 10 minutes down the road. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: That's awesome.

 

Tal Eyre: It's amazing. So, we invite you and your family to join us would be amazing.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: We will. 

 

Tal Eyre: Yes.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: We'll get there. We'll get there one day. So, tell me a little bit about what you do.

 

Tal Eyre: So, my story is interesting because I was actually born into this whole parenting thing. So, my parents have written over 50 books on the topic of parenting and life balance and other things like that…including one of them was a number one New York Times bestseller, it was called Teaching Your Children Values – and that one came out when I was 14 years old, Crystal. 

And the reason it went to number one is because we were actually on the Oprah Winfrey show. They invited our whole family to come out and be on the show. Imagine that…14 years old, sitting on the stage of Oprah Winfrey show. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Wow.

 

Tal Eyre: And we had this great opportunity, great experience with her; she was amazing. And right after the show aired, it just went to number one on the New York Times Bestseller list. So, ever since, my parents have gone around doing other book tours; and they've really-- their mission is to strengthen families. 

And I saw the power of that, and I said, "I want to-- I want to put myself in the ring. I want to-- I want to see if I can get this going as well."

So, I did a master's degree at the University of Pennsylvania in Positive Psychology, and really enjoyed that. And as the capstone of that project or that master's program, I wrote a book proposal; and it was called Flourishing Families. And that didn't end up being the title – but now after 10 years, it's morphed and changed. And after three editors, I've finally got it to the right place; and it's called Dad Mode: 25 Ways to Connect with Your Children. 

So, that's a little bit of my story, of how I got into this space.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: That's awesome. I remember reading several of your parents' books back in the day – when I was like, very first starting out parenting, before I even had kids – Richard and Linda Eyre. And I think I remember my parents reading some of the parenting books back then. 

 

Tal Eyre: Oh, great. Great.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: So, you got into this probably before you even had your daughter then, right? 

 

Tal Eyre: Yes.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Because she's 12.

 

Tal Eyre: I would go on book tours with my parents sometimes, and I got to learn how to kind of do that and go on TV or go on a radio show. So, it was fun. Yeah.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. So, before you even had her, were you interested in this parenting sphere? Was this kind of something you were interested in talking more about and learning more about?

 

Tal Eyre: Yes. Yes. I think if you're sort of raised in that culture and you see the power that this can have and the passion behind it-- And what I love about my parents is they were practicing what they talked about in their books, or wrote about in their books. And not to say they got it all right, in fact, the definition of dad mode, actually, if I could read that, it's actually--

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah, read it.

 

Teaching our children through our own failures and imperfections

Tal Eyre: It's the art of applying consistent and focused effort toward building and maintaining a warm emotional connection with our children. And so, it's about effort to me. It's the many, many fails that my parents had when I was growing up helped me to see that, 'You know what? In the long run, we actually feel really connected to them and to our siblings.' 

And it wasn't because they did it all right. In fact, it was-- I still remember sitting around the table, Crystal – with all the kids at the dinner table – my parents were trying to explain some new program that they thought of. It was probably in one of their books. 

And they were explaining it, and I looked around the table at each person, all of my siblings, and nobody, not one person was paying attention. 

And I thought, why did they-- why did they even try? You know, like, what are they doing? Like, nobody's listening, nobody's-- But somehow, it was more about their efforts. And maybe that program didn't work, but a few things did stick with us. And we are all trying to sort of do our own parenting now and our own sort of create our good stories ourselves now. So, that connection is there. And it wasn't because of, they were amazing always. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah.

 

Tal Eyre: It was because there was a lot of failure.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. I want to point that, like, really stay on that point for a minute, because I think a lot of times when we get into this modality of parenting differently than has been passed down to us in the past--  

 

Tal Eyre: Yes. Yeah. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: -that we think that means perfect, that we think we have to never yell at our kids, that we never lose our cool, that we always know exactly the answer and how to respond in every situation; and that's the new way of parenting. 

And like, no, no, no, no; that's never been the way of parenting, and that's not now. And I think it is like imperfect parenting and showing your children that you do make a lot of mistakes…and how to move through that, and how to reconnect and how to how to just be a human within your parenting.

And I can relate to your story because my kids, the last thing they want to talk about is life coaching or emotions. I even say an emotion word, and they're like, 'Don't life-coach me.' 

And I'm like, 'I just said, sad. Normal people also say, sad.' 

The other day, one of my kids, my 15-year-old son, he was watching a commercial and he came to me and he was just like, 'Oh my goodness, mom, I think you've ruined me.' 

He's like, 'I was watching this commercial, and all I could think of was how the guy just really had a lack mindset, and he just needed to feel a lot better about himself and his life and his ability to make money…and like, that would change his life.' 

And he was like, 'Ah, I didn't even want to think that, but it just like came.' 

 

Tal Eyre: Perfect.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: So, I , even though they make it seem like nothing comes through to them, I think that they're still learning and growing, and they're steeped in that culture. So, I love that you kind of went with that.

 

Tal Eyre: So onset. 

 

Tal Eyre's parenting journey

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Tell me a little bit about your own parenting journey – before writing this book, how was parenting for you?

 

Tal Eyre: Well, I kind of had the book in mind throughout because it's-- My daughter's 12 now. But I have to tell you, it's a beast. You know, you go into it and you think that, 'Oh, I'm not going to do those things,' or 'I'm not going to do those things.' 

But I loved what you said about these, I call them pathways or trails. And, you know, we grew up in this culture where we don't even realize that it's going to – subconsciously, unconsciously – be how we are going to enter into things. And we have to consciously blaze new trails. And I think that's the thread that goes through my entire book, actually, Crystal…is I'm basically saying to dads like, "Hey, let's look at a new way and, is this a place to blaze a new trail?" Because we --  

A lot of times, we're not even aware of it, but we have to think about connection in such a strong way. And most of the time, we're blazing new trails with that.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. It is usually-- I think that it doesn't come to us very automatically, especially if we were parented in a different way. My parents were the ones who got me into this parenting sphere also, but it was after I was grown having my own kids. 

They were still parenting kids at home because we have a large family, and they kind of said, "We really didn't love how we did it here, and this is a new way…in a different way, and we're going to try to transition to this. And here's some books you can read about it."

And it was-- It was lovely. My kids were toddlers at the time; and I was like, 'Yeah, this is awesome.' But reading the book wasn't the thing that helped, I read the book and was like, 'Yeah, I believe this philosophy.' 

But you have to so intentionally work on those things and kind of make it part of you. 

 

Tal Eyre: Yes. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: And it doesn't come naturally because it's so opposite often. 

 

Tal Eyre: Yes.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: At least for me, it was completely opposite with how my parents raised me. It was very, very different. 

And so, it was really hard to even know how to do it; like, what does this actually look like day to day? So, tell me about dad mode for you. Like what does that – parenting with connection – what does that look like for you in your book?

 

Tal Eyre: Yeah, so just hearing you, I actually-- I want to know what your definition of parenting with connection is. But I'll answer your question, then I want you to answer mine because I want to learn from you. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah.

 

Tal Eyre: But I would say that I approach it like, dads are a special group, right? We kind of want to tinker around and figure things out on our own, but we want to-- we're okay with some help here and there, whatever. But what I tried to do is be aware of dads when I was writing this book; and basically put together my greatest hits, my favorite things from Positive Psychology and my personal experience, and then just 25 ways to connect. So, each one's a 5 to 15-minute meditation on a concept that I find really important.

And I basically just-- You know, my friend-- I love it. He said, "I'm reading your book and I just put it next to my bed, I'm tired. I kind of just-- I just go through one of the ways." 

And it doesn't even matter if you go1 to 25, you can skip around, whatever looks interesting to you because they're not necessarily exactly in order, anyway. 

But it's basically ways to connect and also ways to reconnect and ways to stay connected, to create a culture of connection; that's basically the book. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. 

 

Tal Eyre: So, now I want to know from you--  

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. 

 

Tal Eyre: I just wrote a book on connection, but I feel like I'm still learning a ton about what connection and family really is.

 

The importance on connection-based parenting

Tal Eyre: And I'd love for you to explain, you said something before we started that piqued my interest. What is parenting connection for you?

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. So, I call it connection-based parenting because I feel like that's just the best word for it. When I first found out about this parenting style years ago, like I said, my kids were like toddlers. The very first book I read was Dr. Gordon Neufeld's book, Hold On To Your Kids, and it's all about attachment. 

 

Tal Eyre: Yes.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: And so, read it, loved it. But also feel like I failed at implementing it for like the next decade. Started following a lot of people, reading a lot of things, I even went to courses and stuff; and for me, it meant connection comes first. 

So, relationship matters most, more than anything else, more than trying to get my kid to do or say what I want them to do. It's like the relationship is the focal point. 

And that when you have what I now know as a secure attachment with your child…they want to be close to you, they want to learn from you, they want to be like you, they feel safe and seen, they feel soothed by you when they have a hard time, you can co-regulate with them, they can rest in your care; that's what secure attachment is. 

And in order for our kids to have that secure attachment with us, we need to be really intentionally creating that because we didn't often have that kind of an attachment with our parents when we were being raised. 

 

Tal Eyre: Right. Right. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: And so, a lot of the work is our own self work to get to a space where we can feel connected and soothed and self-healed enough that we can actually give this attachment to our children. So, most of the work that I focus on is connection within – connection to self, connection to a higher power, having an attachment to something greater than myself. And also, kind of having that ability to self-regulate within me, having a solid relationship with myself. 

But I would say connection-based parenting really is having connection and attachment be the thing that molds your children, be the thing that influences them – instead of coercive methods…instead of yelling or punishments or rewards or grounding or all the things we're kind of used to. 

It's believing that your children are actually innately very good, and innately want to do good and learn naturally from the world around them; and it's not something we have to shove down their throats. We just have to create an environment for them to thrive because they naturally are these good little humans that are just wonderful and unique and special. And we often can get in the way of their learning when we--

 

Tal Eyre: Wow. I got to say, Crystal, that's like-- I've been studying this stuff for a long time; the way you just said that, I hope you have a full practice because anybody being coached by you is going to be very much helped by--  

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Thank you. 

 

Tal Eyre: -by the things that you're talking about. I think you're spot-on on that. I think there's a lot of overlap with the stuff in the book as well, which is nice.

 

How self-connection and shadow work increase our connection with our kids

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. So, tell us a little bit about it. Just a few of the little kind of connection practices you help dads to do, and also maybe kind of what gets in the way of connection for dads.

 

Tal Eyre: Okay. Yes. Well, you were mentioning self-connection and each of the ways actually has five action steps at the end of it, at the end of the way to just give some suggestions and ideas on how I've been able to implement these things and make them help with my connections. 

So, I would say the first one I would want to talk about is self-connection. It's way number two. And it's right there at the beginning because I agree; I think parents need to make-- most of their work should be with themselves because the deeper we have a connection with ourselves, the deeper we can have connections with other people. 

And so, I challenge dads – but also just parents, in general – to do that hard work of what I call and what Carl Jung calls shadow work. And I'm a big fan of Carl Jung; he says, "We act differently in the first half and the second half of our lives." And being a parent is, you're looking at that second half of life – if you're a young parent – and you're right squarely in it, if you're kind of a parent like myself who got started a little bit later. 

And I think that shadow work, the best way for me to explain shadow work is to read a little a little Ackoff's Fables. And if you would allow me--  

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. 

 

Tal Eyre: I'm going to read this. It's something actually that-- We have a bunch of Ackoff's Fables just at our breakfast table. It's a book. And every morning, we do a little 10 minutes – and it's also in the book – about just like everybody together, and we share something, some kind of wisdom, something from anywhere that we find wisdom in. 

And this was one of the things we came across, and it's one of our favorites in our family. So, it says, "Every man or woman carries two bags about with him or her, one in front and one behind. Both are packed with faults. The bag in front contains the neighbor's faults, and the one behind his or her own faults; hence it is that men and women do not see their own faults, but never fail to see those of others."

Isn't that great? I just-- I love that because shadow work is looking at those things that are actually in the bag behind us; the ones that we're-- we don't-- we don't want to look at them. We actually have done a pretty good job of staying away from, in that first half of life. Maybe our ego gets in the way a little bit. 

And what I challenge dads to do is actually start looking for those blind spots in our lives, and actually asking and proactively looking to try and figure that out because it'll help us with our own self-connections – and the people that are closest to us, are the ones who can help us with that the most.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Oh, definitely. They're the ones that we spend the most time with and probably trigger us the most.

 

Tal Eyre: Trigger, yes.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Do I feel like Carl Jung was a Swiss psychologist, wasn't he in Switzerland?

 

Tal Eyre: Yes. I just went to his--

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Is that why you live there?

 

Tal Eyre: -house, on the Lake Zurich-- Yes. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Oh, my goodness. 

 

Tal Eyre: -a couple years ago, such an amazing place. Yeah. He grew up--

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Oh, I just finished reading one of his books; and he was sharing about an experience of him counseling a woman that came to meet him by the lake, and had not been able to be cured from anyone else. And she'd been in years of stuff, and just how he was able to help her. And it was so, like you said, it's like wisdom. 

Like he kind of just pauses; and he allows this wisdom within him to kind of bubble up instead of like, what modality should we use? What word can I give them? What tool can I give them? It's so much more internal. 

And shadow work to me, I think is also like-- I call it triggers, but like a strong emotional activation that happens within me in response to something happening outside of me. And like you said, it's usually with the people that we're closest to; so, we're often triggered by our kids or by our partner. 

And we can either take that as an opportunity to look at…to do that shadow work and be like, 'Okay, what's really here? What's on the backpack that's behind me? And, what do I want to do with this?' Or we can just keep looking forward at the other person's backpack and kind of ignore that there is something there for us.

 

Tal Eyre: Beautiful. Totally well-said. And I think that what I'm trying to do, because this is really hard work and I don't-- Sometimes I don't want to do shadow work because it's so hard and it's not the right timing. But when I am in a good space and I can do that shadow work, I'm trying to cultivate this ability to actually find joy in being wrong. 

So, look for it and then watch how I react when I actually get something thrown at me that's pretty, pretty difficult. Right? And if I'm in a good space, that's a good place to be. And I don't recommend it for everyone or for all the time, but I think it's a wonderful thing to do, to have self-connection.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. I did this one exercise, I just gave it to myself when I was very first starting out coaching years ago; and I took a little notebook and a pen, and there was some people close to me that I felt pretty regularly triggered by, and I was going to be spending some time with them for a few days. 

And I just wrote down every single thing that triggered me, like what they said, what they did; and I didn't do anything with it. All I did was just write down all day, just all the things instead of reacting to it like I normally would…I would just go inward and I would just write it down. And I just was left with these pages of notes, like I threw them away afterwards, but it was really just an awareness exercise of it's really not them. 

It really wasn't anything they said or did; it was something it was bringing up, it something within me. And the deeper I get into this work, the more I feel like it's less about tools, it's less about mantras, it's less about how to do the work; and it's more about like, what's happening internally for me. 

 

Tal Eyre: Yes. Yes. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: And I find that connection-based parenting now just comes so naturally to people that are doing that work. Like, that's just how you go around humaning with other humans – from this space of self-connection, like you called it.

 

Tal Eyre: Oh, that's really cool. I'm picking up some good ideas here because I think there's so much more to be learned on this, so thank you. That's a good one.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. I would love to know just a couple of those kind of like tips where people are like, they open it up from their bedside table and they're like, 'This is how I'm-- this is what I'm going to do today.' What would that look like?

 

Tal Eyre: Yeah. So, I mean, if I just take a look at the different ways. So, another one that I really-- I think that is interesting is, for example, you mentioned yelling. And there's a section called-- Well, there's one on intellectual humility, which we just covered, which is I could be wrong. 

And I think it's important to say that as a dad, because it actually helps your child to know that, your dad is not a know-it-all. In fact, it's not a very good way to go to be a know-it-all, research is showing that these days. 

And so, starting sentences with, "I could be wrong, but I think…" is actually a really powerful thing. And my daughter started a sentence with this the other day; I was so happy that she did it. But I'm trying to get to the other one, which is-- oh, it's in the reconnect one and it's, when dad loses his cool.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Oh yeah.

 

Tal Eyre: And I think that that's a really powerful story. A lot of the guys that read the book say that one was important for them because we all lose our temper, we all lose our cool; and it gives some powerful ways to do that. 

So, what we've done is I've got a great illustrator. He's a Brazilian guy named Bernardo França; and he drew an image of a volcano with a dad inside of the volcano. And so, what we do is-- This comes actually from Dan Siegel's work, from Parenting from the Inside Out and other books. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah.

 

Tal Eyre: But it helps kids to think about the image of a volcano because you can say, hey-- You know, I say to my daughter, "Hey, Annina, I'm actually-- I was in the green, but I'm kind of going into yellow and I could get to an eruption. I've had a long day. I am a little bit hungry right now, and I just need to let you know that because I don't want to have an eruption." 

And that just-- That helps her to visualize, 'Okay, my dad's having a little bit of a hard time.' Maybe I'll be aware of that. But also, it helps me, most importantly, we've been talking about, to regulate my emotions and to not lose my cool. 

And then if I do, which I do sometimes, then I try and give it at least 20 minutes to kind of cool down before I go into anything else. Because the power of bad is really powerful, and it really has an impact on our kids. And if we can eliminate the amount of times we lose our cool, we're going to be in a better space.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. And I think-- Oh, I have a lot to say about that, but yeah, years ago, I remember hearing – I don't know if it was Dan Siegel or somebody – and they used this imagery of red light, green light, yellow light. 

And so, I always use, in my mind and with my clients also red zone, green zone, yellow zone because for me, I'm like, it's kind of this zone space where I'm like in the green and then I kind of move to the yellow, and then sometimes I move to the red. 

 

Tal Eyre: Yeah. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: And even just noticing how I feel inside; and even pausing and like talking to your daughter about that isn't telling her, it's kind of helping her see like, it's not about you. This is something happening with me, it's not you. 

And then it also gives us that space and that time to go and pause and step away because If I can go pause and step away in the yellow, I'm much more-- I'm much more likely to not get to that red space where I'm reacting in a way that I'm going to regret and is going to cause harm. 

And we are going to all respond from the red sometimes, we are human and that will happen. And having kind of verbiage to be able to talk to our kids about it and to come back again and reconnect and say, you know, again, like, "This wasn't about you. This is what was happening within me. It wasn't okay that I responded this way, it might've made you feel this way. And I'm going to try again, and I'm going to keep trying." 

And to me, that's the most beautiful thing that we get to teach our kids; is actually showing them how that looks like in real life.

 

Tal Eyre: That's great. I love it. Yeah.

 

How to parent with love, authority, and maintain boundaries

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Okay. So, one last question; I want to talk a little bit about maybe dads who kind of have a mentality of, I actually think the way my parents did it was great. I thought that yelling or spanking or force or coercion, like I turned out fine so it's okay kind of thing. 

And maybe aren't so on board with connection, running things within parenting because they might feel like kids will just grow up really entitled or not learn respect or whatever. 

What would you say to that, or how do you help people through that?

 

Parenting Styles

Tal Eyre: That's a good question. I think that I tend to do that as well at times, so I can relate with them. I can relate. But I also think that writing this book has been such a good experience because it's been helpful to just sort of dive into these things more and realize the importance of being proactive about these things. 

So, I would basically say to them one of the things that I say is that, I cover the four parenting styles in the book. And you're probably familiar with Diana Baumrind. In 1967, she started writing these parenting styles. 

 

1. Authoritarian Parenting

One is authoritarian, and that is "Because I said so" type of responses, when your parent does something.

 

2. Authoritative Parenting

Then you have the authoritative, which is also really interesting and the one that I prefer, and I think is very important because it's supportive, meaning loving and warm, but also demanding at the same time.

And so, I try and-- Throughout the entire book, I try kind of like a little thread throughout the book that if we can be more--  

 

3. Permissive Parenting

I tend to be more permissive, which is the next one, which is very supportive, but not very demanding.

 

4. Neglectful Parenting

And then there's the neglectful parents who are really neither of those things. 

 

And I think that if you're looking at this sort of quadrant, which is also in the book, it's powerful for coaches and for parents to be authoritative and to have that combination of warmth with demanding that they do something or setting boundaries. Right? And so, I think that if dads, if I could tell them that I think that that might help them with their behavior with their kids a little bit. And maybe if their parents did exactly that, then that's great. 

But I think that there's always room for improvement. We want every child…I think every child, every generation should raise the waterline, and we should become better and better along the way. So, I'm hoping that my daughter will raise the waterline from where we are. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Me too. 

 

Tal Eyre: So, hopefully that answers your question.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah, it does. I think one of my favorite quotes, and I've never been able to figure out who said this, is, Firm boundaries-- "Firm boundaries loosely held". And for me, that's the goal, is like, we don't have to stick to it, just because I said so we can actually question and be like, is this a boundary I want to keep? 

 

Tal Eyre: Yes. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Is this actual-- For me, boundaries are physical and emotional safety. We have a lot of rules in our house, and it's easy to just kind of overrule versus this idea of firm boundaries loosely held. Like, which ones are physical and emotional boundaries that I want to hold? 

And that we can hold those in firm ways without being unkind, without being disrespectful, without getting into the red zone. 

And I think that that's kind of what we sometimes mix up. We're like, 'Well, we have to either be permissive or we have to be authoritarian…like, those are the only two options.' 

And for me, connection-based parenting is in the center of that spectrum. It's in the knowing that my child is learning from me, knowing that they're going to learn through how I role-model more than anything else. And also taking opportunities to teach and to guide, but to know that most of it's going to come through our relationship. And being able to have those boundaries also, but not enforcing them in ways that are more coercive like we lean to – or permissive, where we're just like, 'Okay, that's fine…you can-- you can do whatever you want.' You know? And I think that's a-- It's a tricky balance. 

I often think of standing on the center of a teeter-totter, and standing on the very center of it and just like trying to balance this teeter-totter is actually the hardest, right? It's easy to be on one side, and just be bouncing up and down. It's easy to be on the other side, and bouncing up and down. 

But being in that center space of balancing both and, you know, also holding space for yourself and for what's happening inside of you is-- I think it's takes a lot more intention and a lot more effort. And like you said, I think most of the effort is our own healing of like, what's happening within us more than anything else.

 

Tal Eyre: Well-said. Yes. I appreciate that because it gives the color commentary to the things of the authoritative parenting style. Amazing. Thank you for that.

 

How to connect with Tal Eyre

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. So, I would love for you just to share with people how they can connect with you…for sure, how they can get your book right now – pre-order or maybe by the time this comes out, they can actually order it – and how they can connect with you further if they want to learn more about what you do.

 

Tal Eyre: Yes, thank you. My website is taleyre.com. And I'm on a quest to reshape the dad paradigm to be more based on connection, direct connection with our children; and I want dads to join me in that. And the best way to do that is by ordering the book. So, you can get it on Amazon or pretty much any online bookseller. There's a few brick-and-mortar stores that are also holding it. But the best way is probably on Amazon, the link is on my website. I'm also on Instagram (@taleyre) and Facebook and other places.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hey, we'll have links to all of those also in the show notes. For anyone that's listening on the go, you can you can check it out in the show notes and link to those.

 

Tal Eyre: Great. And Crystal, let me just end with one little piece that I really like to end on; that's the dirty little secret of writers. I figured out the dirty little secret of writers.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Tell us all about it.

 

Tal Eyre: My parents were writers my whole life, right? And I often saw them implementing some new thing. You know, maybe they're teaching us responsibility. And then, I see that a few weeks later, they're promoting their book, Teaching Children Responsibility. 

And so, I think writers really are writing to figure out their own stuff. And I think that I want to challenge the listeners today to become writers themselves. You don't have to write a book, but write in your journal, write in your mind…and really basically, write your story. Write your story as a parent. Because I really think that's the message I want to leave with people is, we're all creating.  

I would-- I would guess Crystal is learning a ton from this podcast and her coaching, and it's part of this creation process that I love. So, create your own story as a family, and make it a good one; that's my final thought on that.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I love that. Yeah, I think that sometimes we look at other experts and we think, they have everything figured out then they wrote the book…they have everything figured out, and then they became a coach…they have everything figured out, and then they became a psychologist or whatever. 

But I think that people are kind of called to this work because of their own work, because of what's coming up for them; and they're just sharing, you know, what's working for them as they go. 

 

Tal Eyre: Yes.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: And so, I love that idea of like, let's just-- let's just create, let's be creators, let's be authors of connection in the world.

 

Tal Eyre: Yes. Well-said. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: -spread it-- spread it everywhere. So, thank you. Thanks for being on today, Tal.

 

Tal Eyre: Thanks for having me.

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Thanks for listening. If you'd like to help spread this work to the world, share this episode on social media and tag me, send it to a friend, or leave a quick rating and review below so more people can find me. If you'd like more guidance on your own parenting journey, reach out.