S08|13 - Why We Need to Fiercely Protect Our Children’s Childhood (at all ages)

A childhood full of fun, confidence, peace, safety, rest and SO much play, is not only healthy for our children now- but can have an amazing impact on them in adulthood. Tune into this episode where we tackle the intersection of inner child healing, parenting in a way that feels good to our souls and protecting our children’s childhood. 

Inner child healing is the work we need to do to parent in the way that we want to- and the benefits for us are huge- the ripples last for generations. It is also THE thing that changed my children’s behaviour for the better- more than anything else. Join me for today’s powerful episode, and integrate this work with me as your mentor- through Parent School and my women’s retreats. 

On this episode we dig into: 

• What my childhood looked like (and yours might have to)
• The benefits of play, rest, and safety in childhood 
• Inner child healing and its efficacy from a securely attached space
• What blocks our children from childhood in our current world (tech, screens, busy schedules and more) and what we can do about it
• Let’s band together and create a change in our world by choosing intentionally what we want our children’s childhood to include, and what we want to opt out of 

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Join the re-parenting movement, at my next retreat, The Inward Journey: www.coachcrystal.ca/the-retreat

Parent School: Discover your own unique path, with confidence… raising emotionally intelligent children that leave your home knowing that you truly, deeply care for them… that you always have, and you always will. Isn’t that we all want deep down? That is my goal for me, and for you… and for the future generation for children we are raising. To be seen. To be heard. To be valued. To feel loved. To feel supported. To feel known. To welcome them to be themselves- fully and completely. That is The Work. I am here for it. Welcome. 

Join me for the LAST LIVE round of Parent School:

• shame resiliency: how to feel shame and move through it, what triggers us and why, and how to move through heaviness and use it for growth. 
• emotional regulation: what co-regulation is and how to support our children from our energy- not our words (not scripts and mantras, this work is much deeper than that), how to support ourselves and our kids through big emotions.
• the power of our thoughts and beliefs: how to separate who we are from what we think, how to create the exact relationship we want through the power of our mind 
• connection-based parenting: why it’s the way of the future, how to parent in a relationship-first manner, developing deep and lasting connections that last a lifetime.
• 6 modules covering all these topics, and more. 2 group coaching calls to get support in your individual family situations. (add-on available for your partner to join). 

Find all the information HERE.
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Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hi, I'm Crystal The Parenting Coach. Parenting is the thing that some of us just expected to know how to do. It's not like other areas of your life where you go to school and get taught, get on the job training, or have mentors to help you, but now you can get that help here.

I believe that your relationship with your children is one of the most important aspects of your life, and the best way that you can make a positive impact on the world and on the future. I've made parental relationships my life study; and I use life coaching tools, emotional wellness tools, and connection-based parenting to build amazing relationships between parents and their children.

If you want an even better relationship with your child, this podcast will help you. Take my Parenting Quiz, the link is in the show notes. Once we know what your parenting style is, we will send some tips tailored to you and a roadmap to help you get the most out of my podcast.

 

Hello and welcome to today's podcast episode, Why we need to fiercely protect our children's childhood (at all ages). 

Now, I don't want this podcast episode to be like a, now I'm going to add these things to the list of all the things I should feel bad about and that are too heavy and that are too hard for me. But I want it to be one of connecting a few seemingly disconnected pieces. 

And these are the pieces; when we look at the struggles that we have in parenting we often don't realize what the real issue is. I've done a lot of podcast episodes on that, so I'm not going to dig into that too much. But the real issue is that we have all of these subconscious beliefs that we've brought from our own childhood, and the way to change that is our own Inner Child Healing.

And so, I want to really have this session, have this podcast episode focus on the intersection of those two things and why it's so important for us to be focusing on this with our kids as well…why it's important for us to do our own inner work, our own Inner Child Healing, and how that is the answer for us right now…and then also what we can do to protect our children and set them up hopefully a little bit better.

I don't think that we're just going to heal all the things. When we talk about generational trauma and generational healing, I don't think it's up to us to be like, 'Now I'm going to heal everything that's ever happened, and that's been passed down to us for generations and generations.' 

I think that the idea is, 'Let me do my part, whatever that is for me, whatever capacity I feel like I have to do that, whatever I'm able to do.' I am very into self-compassion, very into acceptance of where I'm at…and that we really are doing our best.

Even if it doesn't seem like it, even if it feels like…we just had a terrible day, how could that possibly be my best? Whatever level of emotional skills or of capacity or even of community and support that you have right now probably led to whatever you feel like your 'not best day' was. 

And so, whenever I look at it from this lens of like, 'That really was my best,' I feel more compassion…I feel more love for myself…I feel more support for myself. And from that space, I actually parent better. I actually show up in a better way. 

So, don't take this episode as a, 'These are just a whole bunch of things now that I'm going to have to worry about and do.' 

I don't want it to be filled with pressure. I want it to be hopeful and give you kind of a reason behind why childhood is so important, and especially why I think we need to protect it. And I said 'fiercely' because I just feel like there are so many things right now that really block us from being able to access childhood in a way that we used to. 

I remember when I was little, I would just build forts all day and I would like-- I, for sure, played video games; and I should, for sure, watched TV also – but there was so much of time spent outdoors, so much of time building forts indoors. Like I just remember childhood being play; like, that is what I remember from my childhood the most. 

And maybe that was what your childhood was like, maybe it wasn't. But I feel like nowadays with this information age that we're, in this technology age that we're in, that there's just a lot of things that can really block childhood from being childhood. So, that's what we're going to dig into today.

But first of all, we are going into get into why we need to protect it; why it's important…and what's this intersection between how we parent now and our kids' childhood now and our parenting struggles is. 

If you are looking for this kind of support and you're listening to this podcast episode, we have a program going right now called Parent School. We already started, but you are more than welcome to join us. All of the calls are recorded, and we will be going for the next couple of months. So, if that feels supportive to you after you've been listening to this episode and you're like, 'Yes, this is the work that I want to do,' that is the work that we do in there.

 

How to change our subconscious beliefs through Inner Child Healing 

So, if you don't already know this, if you've been here for a while, you probably do…if you've listened to any of my episodes over the last month, you probably do…but I believe that the key to parent in the way that we actually want, which for me is calm, confident, intuition-based, connection-based, focus on relationship, focus on attachment – that's what I think of when I think of the way that I want to parent – the key is Inner Child Healing.

And you can insert however it is that you want a parent here. Like if you were just like, 'In my ideal world, in my dreams, this is the kind of parent that I would want to be,' whatever that is. 

I'm betting that the key for you is also Inner Child Healing. Now a lot of people are like, what is even Inner Child Healing? What does that mean? 

And I will just give you a tiny little sum up of this. When we believe things or think things, we often think them on this conscious level, but our subconscious isn't always on board. 

So, by that I mean I would freak out when my kids would freak out and then I would be like, 'Okay, what about that bothered me so much?' And I would start digging and digging and digging and kind of asking my brain like, 'Well, why did that bother me?' 

And like, 'Well, what about that bothered me?' 

And after really questioning and digging down to the root of it, I realized that there was some subconscious beliefs still stuck in there. And even though I did not logically believe them at all, I still had them kind of rooted somewhere inside of me. 

And these were beliefs, like, 'Children should be seen and not heard,' or 'Good parents have good children who listen to them and obey them immediately who are just quiet and do what you want them to do,' basically like control, right? 

I had this, kind of, old, more traditional messaging in my brain still, even though I'd consciously done the work, read the books, listened to the podcast; to change that there was still some conscious stuff there that I didn't notice was happening. 

And as I started to dig through these and change things and heal things, a lot of Inner Child Healing came up. And Inner Child Healing is, where did this belief come from? What does this mean about me? What does this bring back for me? 

And not necessarily specific experiences but, where is this belief underneath the belief housed inside myself? How is it showing me-- How is it showing up for my life right now? How can I bring acceptance and compassion and empathy to myself right now, and give myself what I needed back then as a child right now so that I can move forward and heal?

So, that's kind of what I think of as Inner Child Healing, if that's a new term for you. 

But I really believe that this idea of how we want to parent – whatever that is for you and whatever that is for me – and then how I actually do parent and the dichotomy between the two…so much of this work here is Inner Child Healing. 

It is allowing ourselves to process through shame and learn things like shame resiliency; how to move through it to feel confidence on a deeper level on this more subconscious plane. 

Okay, I hope that that made sense to you, or at least was a little bit clear. I will-- I will continue to explain it as I go. But I believe that that's it. I believe that that is the answer. The answer is Inner Child Healing.

Whether you do that work with me or if you find another coach or another modality that you feel like works well for you, that will be the work for you. It will be work that helps you dig into the darkest, deepest shame parts of your brain, of your soul, of your heart…and work through it. And it is hard work, and it is deep work, and it is grief-filled work, and it is so amazing. Also, it is like the best work also. 

So, when we create a secure attachment with our own selves-- And secure attachment is being safe, being seen, being soothed, being heard, being valued. When we have that kind of a relationship with ourselves – me with myself – parenting in the way that we want to flows much more naturally. 

And I'm not going to say 'perfectly' because it doesn't; imperfection is part of being human, and we're constantly growing and changing. But it will flow so much more naturally – I'm going to say – about 80% or more of the time. And of the times that you don't feel like you show up in the way that you want, it's much easier for you to repair and reconnect and use it as like a learning and growth opportunity for you and sometimes for you and your child. 

And that our kids' behavior changes over time too. Seriously, it's like magic. When I started thinking about this intersection, I was like, I got to-- I got to tell the people. And I wrote out this email; and the email ended up being like three emails long and I was like, 'I should just-- I should just share this in a podcast because it's a lot of information.' 

But really, truly, I think that re-parenting, inner child work is the key to being able to parent in the way that we want and our kids' behavior changes. 

That is what we're kind of looking for in the beginning, right? We're just like, 'Well, I want them to be emotionally regulated…I want them to be confident, I want them to love themselves, I want them to be more peaceful, I want less sibling rivalry.' 

Like all of those things that we want that seem kind of external, kind of outside of ourselves that we're constantly trying to change and learn mantras for…and learn new skills and tactics and techniques to use with our kids for, instead of learning all of that-- literally throw all of that away, like all of it. 

And just decide like, 'I'm actually just going to work on me, I'm actually just going to do the work of me,' which is Inner Child Healing reparenting work. 

As well as you're listening to this, I have reparenting retreats, so if you want to come and do this work in person with me, they are fabulous. So, you can check out the link in the show notes or you can go to coachcrystal.ca/the-retreat.

 

The connection between doing our inner work and our children's childhood

Okay. So, what does this have to do with our children's childhood? 

You're like, 'Okay, I got it. I can parent in the way that I want a parent if I do my own inner work, it's me.' But what does that have to do with our kids' childhood? Inner work has so much to do with rest and with play. 

When I do this work with my clients – and I've done it with couples, I've done it with individuals for years – we really lean into who we were as children, who we were before we forgot, undoing society's expectations of ourselves, letting ourselves design the life that we want – like exactly the life that we want. 

Let us define success; what we think success is, what we want success to be. And live in a way that feels good to our souls instead of just good to society and looks good on the outside. That is emotional health and wealth. 

And I think that's something that all of us want. I presume that if you're listening to this podcast, that is something that you deeply desire. When we start to do Inner Child Healing, both rest and play are integral; and we have a very hard time doing it as productive adults. 

We're like, well, 'Rest means that I'm not doing anything…rest means that I'm lazy or I have way too much to do, I can't allow myself to rest.' 

Or play, 'I don't even know what I enjoy playing, I don't even like playing.' Like, 'What does play even mean? I can't even remember the last time I played.' 

Or even like tapping into our desires, 'What do I want? What do I spend my time doing? What do I enjoy? What's my passion? What's my purpose?' All of this comes up when we're doing Inner Child Healing. And allowing ourselves to unlayer these layers to kind of--  

I think of it as like we were born onto this earth as these tiny little perfect human souls who knew our worth, who knew our value, who knew how amazing we were. 

I remember one of my kiddos, he was learning how to ride a strider bike; those ones that don't have any pedals, and he was doing such a good job. He was like three or four, and he just like hopped on it, he just got it, and we were just like, 'Whoa, dude, you were amazing.' 

And he turned around and, kind of, just like paused before he shot off again, and was like, 'I know.' And he said it with such conviction that we knew that he knew. 

And I think about that often because my kids in that timeframe of like zero to five, six-ish, really do believe that they are valued. They do believe that they are amazing. They do believe that they can literally do anything. They believe in magic, right? They're just like, 'I can do this…when I grow up, I'm going to be an astronaut – and I'm going to be a movie star.'

And everything is possible for them; and they believe everything, and they are amazing and they're fully confident. And it's just amazing to see. And that's not to say that they're not shy or uncomfortable in certain situations or whatever, but I'm talking like at home when they're at their core and they are open and vulnerable to us, we can see that they have so much goodness and that they know their goodness and they see it. 

Well, over the years, our self-concept is developed in the ages of zero to seven. So, going back to that analogy of like, 'We have this tiny little soul. We're born, you know, this perfect little amazing, wonderful bundle of love, who knows it's worth and value and confidence and all of that.' 

And then over the years, we start to take on these beliefs that other people give us. And we don't do it consciously. We don't do it on purpose. We're not like, 'Well, I'm going to believe that about myself.' But we do take them on, right? 

We take on these beliefs of like, 'I'm only productive for society if I do a lot of stuff, so I got to get a lot done'…or 'I better get good grades, or it means something about me'…or 'I need to make a lot of money because success is money and status and fame'. 

And so, we start taking on these beliefs from society, from people around us, from our family, from experiences that we've had. And it just layers and layers and layers and layers until we kind of forget this little soul that's under the surface that already believed that they were amazing, that already believed that they were abundant. 

My Money Manifestation Coach Jamie Berman always says that our natural state is abundance in our natural state. We are abundant and we have an abundance of time, we have an abundance of resources, we have an abundance of love; there's so many things that we are abundant in. And when we can get back to that natural state, we can remember that. 

So, when I think of Inner Child Healing, I think it's just peeling off these layers; whatever those layers are. Like whatever you have put on yourself that no longer serves you and probably was serving you for a time, it probably had a purpose for some reason or we wouldn't have continued it. And just consciously taking those off and subconsciously taking them off.

 

The benefits of hypnotherapy in parenting

That's why I love hypnotherapy. What I've noticed in hypnotherapy and what we learned when I was doing my hypnotherapy training was that everything has like a root belief. So, there's all these like thoughts and beliefs above the surface that we talk about.

I talk about that loads on my podcast, so I'm not going to dig into specific thoughtwork right now…but underneath those are just like a few beliefs, like five or six beliefs. And they are ones like, something is wrong with me, I'm not enough, I don't belong. 

Those kinds of really core deep beliefs. And those were created typically during our childhood, like those years of zero to seven, zero to eight when our self-concept was being developed. Those are the times that they were given to us, but we actually took them on…they passed that part of our brain where we just kind of like listened to it and maybe debated about it and got to the part where we're like, 'Yeah, this is a belief about me.' And then we've spent our entire life creating evidence for that. 

And again, this is not conscious. I'm not going out and deciding I'm going to create evidence of this, this is just how it is happening. 

That's not to say it's true; evidence as in my brain has decided that this is the story, so then we're going to keep-- Our brains love to be right; it's called the confirmation bias. So, our brain's just going to keep feeding us these stories of why this is right and the evidence of why this is a true belief for us. 

So, all this to say, we have a lot of these beliefs under the surface that have been here for a long time; and hypnotherapy often goes to that deeper core. We kind of talk about a belief consciously, and then we go back to a time in the past…sometimes it's like young adulthood, sometimes it's teenagehood. 

But for the most part, in my sessions, I find that people go somewhere between zero to eight, which I think is pretty interesting because I don't tell them like, "By the way, your self-concept was developed like from zero to seven-ish, so let's try to pick out a memory there." 

A memory just pops up for them. I don't guide them into what that memory is; they pick out that memory, and it just pops up. It's whatever is needed. And for the most part, it is during those ages. And it's interesting to see how they came to be…that what seems kind of disconnected for them, they saw being connected. 

I'm thinking of one that happened one time where the core belief was, 'Something is wrong with me.' 

And it went back to a child that was in the hospital; and she was really, really sick and she just remembers the doctors and nurses and everybody was worried about her…and they were constantly talking, kind of, over in the corner about whatever was happening. 

And she knows consciously like, it wasn't her that was creating this sickness…but for whatever reason, the way that her little brain-- Little brains are so tiny and they don't have the whole picture, and they don't see the whole thing…that she developed this belief of, 'Something is wrong with me.' 

And it's as easy as that. Like it's as simple as that. I'm always surprised, I really love doing hypnotherapy because it's always surprising and eye-opening to me to see the situations that people are in that trigger these beliefs for them that might on the outside seemed kind of disconnected, but that is what their-- that is kind of how their brain digested it.

So, hypnotherapy is kind of like re-digesting that; it's like changing that belief at the core. That is another modality within this Inner Child Healing. 

 

Intersection between how we parent now and our kids' childhood now and our parenting struggles is

So, the intersection, let's get to this intersection now. So, if our children have a really good long time in childhood; and I don't mean really good as in like they have a perfect childhood, but if they have a good long time within childhood – spending time creating, spending time being able to live into that confidence feeling supported, feeling safe, having a lot of fun, spending so much time in rest, being able to just like build things and design things and have passions and do all of that and follow their dreams…during that time, my hope is that they'll have a much stronger memory of what it feels like. 

So, when they inevitably start to do this work-- Because I honestly think this is just work that's always going to happen. I don't think that we can just like outmaneuver humanity and somehow have children that don't ever feel shame; they will get it. 

If they don't get it from you, they'll get it from church or from community or from the playground bully or something…it will happen. But I love that I get to do the work to try to be that secure attachment for them; and hopefully, help them through as they start to learn this. 

So, when they start to do this work – when they're adults and they go back and they start kind of working through some things that they're struggling with – my hope is that they'll have this really strong memory of childhood, of rest…and of play and of peace and of confidence and of amazingness, and that it will just really trigger this happiness and this joy in them so that it will be maybe a little bit easier for them to do the work that we're doing that sometimes we have to like, keep doing over and over again in different ways.

Like, do you feel me? Like so many times I'm coaching someone, they're like, 'But I already dealt with this a few years ago with this other situation…how could this be the belief under--' It's because the beliefs are always the same under the surface; those five or six beliefs that are underneath everything will keep coming up. 

So, my goal is, well, if I create this good long time within childhood…hopefully they'll have this much stronger memory and hopefully it'll stay with them, and it will help them to heal. Maybe it'll be a little bit simple, more simple for their healing. 

So, Inner Child Healing and our own inner work is intrinsically tied to parenting; it is all the same work. I love how it intersects. I love that we can choose to protect our children's childhood by understanding that reparenting and inner child work is something that they're going to do when they age as well; and that I can help them foster this sense of confidence and the sense of childhood and the sense of rest and the sense of play in whatever ways that I can. 

And again, this is not a checkbox of like, 'I need to do all of these things, and now I'm going to feel more pressure.' No, no, no, no, we're doing our own inner work. That is what this work is for, is doing our inner work; don't add more shame than you are already probably have about parenting. 

But think of it as like, 'Now I can intentionally decide what to do with my children. I can intentionally make those decisions that will be best for them and their childhood in a way that does protect their childhood because I understand the why behind it. I understand why it's so important.'

Now that we know why it's so important to protect their childhood-- And I didn't even dig into the benefits for their current emotional and mental health, which are also huge – like decreasing anxiety and depression, caring less about what their peers think of them, learning emotional regulation over time. There's so many things that happen when they're able to have more of this rest and this play and this growth and this attachment when they're little. 

 

Things that 'steal' our kids' childhood

I want to talk a little bit about what are the things that I see stealing our kids' childhood. And again, I don't love teaching from this space of like fear, like, 'Now I need to go take all of these things away.' And I'll get to, how do we do this in the end. 

But we do need to be going very consciously into this; and understanding what's actually happening and not going in blind because I think so much of the time, we're doing that.

If you want more help with the tech side of things and you're looking for research and experts to talk about that, I would look at better screen time (@betterscreentime) on Instagram. 

I would also look at Book Cram; Book_Cram, my friend Kaylee, she was on a podcast episode a little while ago. 

And then I would also look into-- the book is Dr. Victoria Dunckley's book, Reset Your Child's Brain. That's another one that digs a little bit more into the research. 

 

(a) Dopamine

So, screens is one that we're going to talk about. But one of the reasons-- And I don't just mean like smartphones, but our brain loves dopamine; it just loves it. And there are loads of things out there right now that gives us so many dopamine hits, right? Like those tiny little apps that you get on your phone, and then you play meaningless for hours. Like those are just little dopamine hits. Or we go on social media and we're like, 'How many likes did it get? How many views, how many comments, how many blah blah blah--' Those are constant dopamine hits. When our kids are playing games, even if they're educational games when they're little, they're all gamified. They're gamified because it gives us this dopamine hit. 

And so, because we're getting all of these artificial dopamine hit things, it can make things difficult for us. And it can make us kind of crave more of that…more of that social media, more of that tech, more of that video games. That whole section kind of deserves-- it's an entire own episode. But I plan on more episodes about this. I'm going to have some of these people on my podcast, we can talk about it in more detail.

But recently I watched a reels from someone, I think it was a psychologist; and she said she was talking about dopamine. Oh, it might have been Dr. Becky at Goodside anyways, I can't remember. But she was talking about dopamine and she said that they're noticing that in kids even as young as six, that they're having a really hard time learning to read because this muscle of being able to sit through something hard – and sit through it, even though you don't get an immediate hit of dopamine, even though you don't learn it right away--  

But I'm just going to sit and I'm just going to keep pushing through so that eventually I can learn something that's going to be effective for me. That they're noticing that that's starting to shift, and that people just don't want to do that anymore. That they're having a really hard time with that because there's so many other easy dopamine hits for them. 

So, that's one whole side of it, right? Is like, it's not just like, yes, greens are the devil, blah, blah, blah, we should stay away from them. 

But it's noticing, do I know that literal psychologists work for these companies to make them as dopamine hits possible, to make us want to be on them longer? Right? 

I remember listening to somebody talk about like, they were the ones who developed like the Like button, and made it so that like a heart popped up or whatever to, because they realized that that was something that people really loved and they felt like validation from or whatever. 

There is just a lot going on behind the scenes, and we don't want to be going in blind. Again, we're not doing this from a fear-based perspective. We're doing this from like a, do I understand what's actually happening here so that I can intentionally make choices and create boundaries and teach it in a way that will be healthy – healthy and helpful for me.

 

(b) Screens

The other thing that I'll add within this kind of like screen tech realm; giving kids smartphones really young, especially access to ones that have access to-- just everything without a lot of parental controls or parental guidance. There was another reels that I was watching on Instagram – again, another counselor – and she was saying that she only works with kids, and specifically kids that are having struggles within digital and tech stuff. 

And she said that the kids are just getting younger and younger and younger. The kids that she used to work with were like, you know, older teens to younger teens. And she said now it's kids that are even under 10 dealing with really, really severe pornography use…really violent abuse – sexual abuse, like just sex exploitation. So many things that she's seeing, but at a young, like a really tragically, young age.

And she said that she's not alone in this, that she reaches out to other therapists that do the same thing, and that everybody is seeing this decrease in age. And so, her kind of MO was like, do not give your kids a phone unless you're willing to talk to them about pornography, about sexual abuse, about rape, about sex exploitation. Like if you are not going to have those conversations with your kids right now because you think they're too young, then they're too young to have a smartphone. 

So, I am not all doom and gloom about all of this. Again, I will get to that in a minute, but we really do need to be intentional about creating our boundaries for ourselves. 

 

(c) Busy schedules

Another one; busy schedules. Who else has hoped that their child would be a famous Olympian or like find a cure to cancer or solve world peace, right? So, we're like, 'Oh, we got to get them in all the things,' because we think that early academics is the way for them to succeed when they're older. 

But there has been more and more research lately that says that play is actually the way there. That like play-based learning is super good for their brains, and that we don't need to be giving them all of these extracurricular activities at such a young age. 

I remember watching my child in swim club and they were very good, very naturally good. And I remember turning to my husband being like, 'They just invited us to sign up for this team and we could go every day, and we'd be in the pool like for hours and hours.' 

And he was just like, 'Wait, what? Why are we doing-- There are so little.' I don't remember how old he was like four or five.

And I was like, but like, 'What if he's an Olympian, and we're not giving him the chance that he needs?' 

And he was like, 'Then he doesn't get to be an Olympian because I am not going to do that, I don't want to do that with this little kid right now.' 

So, anyways, so again, that is a very personal decision. These are all very personal decisions, but it's just opening up my mind to everything that I say yes to is a no to something else…every single thing. 

So, if you are choosing, I'm going to say yes to this, what are you saying no to? Is that no to rest and downtime for you or your kids? Is that no to having open hours of playtime for your kids? Is that no to spending time as a family doing other things, right? Everything is a yes-- Everything is a no and a yes at the same time, right? 

So, you just intentionally decide what is important for me for my yeses, and what do I intentionally want to say no to? And going along this like, what can we say no to? Look through your whole schedule, look at all of the things you're currently saying yes to and see like…is there more open spaces of time that we can give ourselves so that we can have more time for rest and play – not only for my kids, but for me as well? 

 

(d) Lack of time in nature

I also feel like there is a lack of time in nature; and I think going on with this really busy schedule thing, it's hard to go outdoors…it's hard to get enough time in nature. This goes also with the over-tech-ness, right? Like our kids aren't necessarily going to want to go and just hang out outside if they're like, 'Well, the alternative is I get to stay indoors and play the new – what is that one? – Zelda TOTK,' or whatever, right? That's what my kids really wanted. 

Anyways, so it's going to be hard to shift this if it's been like that for a while because it just kind of creates this undesire to want to do other things because it's so fun, it's so engaging for our brains to do things like video games. 

 

Okay. And it is-- I will offer too that it is tricky; and I would suggest that you find community if you do decide like, I want to make some changes within my life, within my parenting, but like specifically within what our kids do and maybe create a little bit more boundaries…I would suggest you definitely find a buddy. 

Find a friend that's on this journey with you that you can call and just like complain about, and be like, 'This is so hard. Why am I doing this? Why did I listen to that podcast where Crystal told me to do this?' 

Or that you can have somebody help support you in this journey so that you can tag on and off with friends or whatever. And so, it just doesn't feel quite as lonely because it can feel really lonely.

(e) Lack of free play and also lack of risky play

All right. The other thing I'll say is lack of free play and also lack of risky play. And this is just like somebody else told me about this so I can't back up, verify this, but they were talking about how the prefrontal cortex is being developed later in young adults because it was usually in like late 20s, early 30s…and it's like being pushed back even later be, and they've associated it with not having enough risky play. Right?

Like not doing things like climbing trees or just the risks that we probably used to take when we were little. Things are a little bit more safe right now, and so we might not engage in more risky play. But I think just a lack of free play, anyways. 

Free play would be like not having parents oversee it and tell you what to play; not it being like, 'This is exactly what we're going to do with these steps.' It's not like a board game. It's like, can I just go and do imaginative play out in nature or indoors, and just play and do whatever I want? 

Those were my absolute favorite memories of childhood. Like, I'm going to-- We're going to-- I'm going to be a pirate or we're going to build this big huge ship, or we're lost princesses, or something like that. We're stranded on a desert island; I remember doing that all of the time. Like I was like, 'Oh, we're maroon on an island.' Just playing all of the time. 

There's so much structure around play, right? In school and in activities and the extracurriculars we do, there's a lot of structure. Each of these could be really like their own podcast episodes; like we could do an entire podcast episode on play. I've talked a lot about play on like lack of time and nature, on busy schedules, on tech, all of those things. 

And I try not to focus on the doom and gloom of these things all of the times, but when I think of them, I think of hope because I think I get to intentionally make these decisions now. Like now I know they're over here…now I know kind of all these factors that could stunt their childhood, what can I do to help support myself and my children in kind of extending this childhood in whatever ways that I can?

I have lots of ideas on how we can protect children's childhood, but I would love to hear some of yours also, so feel free to listen to this episode and then reach out to me and be like, 'This is what we do.' 

This whole episode is actually spurned by-- I saw a friend of mine who was just noticing that things with her kids in school were not going very well for her younger kids, and she was just like, 'I just want them to be kids for longer.' And so, she just took her younger kids out of school and she's going to homeschool them for a little bit. 

And it's making those kind of like out-of-the-box decisions. And I'm not saying you have to like bring your kids home and homeschool them all, but I'm just saying like, let us intentionally decide. Let us think, 'Okay, if childhood is something that I really want to fiercely protect, what do I get to decide?' 

And there is downsides. There has been a lot of my teenagers not being included in things because they don't have social media, and they don't have their own cell phone to text…and them feeling really left out and them feeling not included and them feeling like it's harder to connect with friends and to maintain contact with friends, for sure. 

Like nobody wants to email; my kids give out their emails to people, and they're like-- Teenagers are like, what? You email? Like, what? So, it is-- It's very different, for sure. And I'm not saying that that has to be the answer for you, but whatever your answer is, make it intentionally. Look at these things, look what's happening and just decide like…what can I do to preserve my child's childhood? 

Going along with tech, we can create boundaries. We can have-- We can decide, at what age do we feel like my child really is ready for a phone? 

And if they are, maybe we start with like a starter phone…like the Pinwheel or like the Gabb wireless phone; there are options for that as well. And maybe we just share a phone, for a while, where they get to use mine and I use theirs or whatever. Or maybe we have a time where everybody puts their phone away at bedtime, and we don't bring phones into our bedroom. Maybe we look at some parental controls or whatever. There's lots of different things that we can do from intention.

 

The last thing that I'll say, because this is kind of running long, but the way that we teach screen regulation is the same way that we teach self-regulation, co-regulation-- no, that we teach emotional regulation is through them learning it from us. 

And so, I always go back to like, how much rest am I getting? How much play am I getting? How much time do I spend outdoors? How much free play time am I giving myself? Is my schedule overly busy? What is my relationship with screens like? Because that is how we're going to teach all of those things as well. 

And so, we can do the same thing with tech. I believe that we do need to teach our children how to live in a tech world. They are going to, and we don't want them just to go into it knowing nothing. But we also don't want to go all the way to the other side and be like, 'Well, because they live in a tech world, let's give it to them when they're young, when everybody else gets it…and just like, here you go – hopefully, you figure it out.' Right? 

Like, we would never do that with a vehicle. We wouldn't be like, 'Okay, well, everybody else has one and they're all nine, so we're going to give you one even though you're nine too…but we're not going to teach you how to use it and we're not going to model healthy relationships with this car or whatever, we're just going to let you do your own thing.' 

So, we wouldn't do that with any other big tool like that that has dangers associated with it as well. We would like teach them how to do it, so we can do the same thing. 

 

The last, last thing that I will say about all of this is just take a few deep slow breaths – in through your nose and out through your mouth, and just release for a moment. Notice if you're feeling any tension after listening to all of this. 

Notice if you're feeling like, 'Oh, now there's so much more for me to do.' 

Notice if you're feeling like there's weight on your shoulders. Notice if you're feeling anxious or worried or fearful about anything that I've talked in this episode. And if you are, do not make your decision yet. Just allow yourself some peace. Allow yourself some time. Allow yourself some rest. Allow this to kind of stew around for a little bit. 

I never, not I never, I try not to make my parenting decisions or my boundaries from a space of fear or shame. And when I notice those coming up, all I do is tell myself…"I am not going to make that decision right now. I know that this is not going to be the best decision for me or for my kids, so I'm just going to wait."

If you've listened to this and you're feeling empowered; and you're feeling like, 'Yeah, I actually think I could make changes,' and you're feeling hopeful…then go ahead and decide what those changes are for yourself. But if you aren't there yet, give yourself some time. 

I hope this has just opened up your mind to a new perspective of like why it is really so important to protect kids' childhood; and not just put another weight on our soldiers of like, 'These are all the things that I'm doing wrong in parenting now all the time,' right? 

I never want you to feel that way. After listening to my episodes or reading my things or watching my stuff on Instagram, I want you to feel like there is hope because I feel like I was in the deepest, darkest aby of parenting. I feel like I felt all the things, and I was able to really find peace through my own inner work.

And so, if you're feeling that heaviness and that heavy spot right now, don't even try to do any of these things; the number one goal is our own inner work. But if you feel like, 'I've been doing my inner work and things are going pretty solid, like, and I'm feeling pretty good about things,' then just tap into your intuition. 

Like, what are some things, some shifts that we could make right now? What are some compassionate boundaries that I could make knowing that the goal is firm boundaries loosely held? I don't remember who quoted that, but I love it and I use it all the time. 

And compassion has a fierceness to it. Compassion isn't just like flaky, loving everybody, accepting everybody. Compassion is, I love you and I will protect you and I will take care of you. It's like that firm loving guardian that we all wish that we had, right? That older-- That older big sister type thing that was on the playground with us when the bully would come; like, how would they respond? 

And not in a mean way, not in an angry way, but in a firm way. We can be that for ourselves, and we can also learn how to be that for our children; and that is what I'm here for. So, if you want help and support with that, feel free to reach out…check out Parent School, coachcrystal.ca/group. And I would love to hear from you, what do you do to protect your child's childhood-- children's childhood…and what do you think about this whole idea of Inner Child Healing?

 Maybe being a little bit simpler for our kids when they start doing this work because we have chosen to make their childhood longer…and more childhood with more rest, more play, more fun, more confidence for them. We will see you next week. 

 

Thanks for listening. If you'd like to help spread this work to the world, share this episode on social media and tag me – send it to a friend, or leave a quick rating and review below so more people can find me. If you'd like more guidance on your own parenting journey, reach out.