S06|19 - How to Get Your Kids to Stop Fighting

One of the top things I get asked is this: Crystal, please help my kids stop fighting! And today, you finally get the FULL answer. Learn more about what’s really going on- what fighting boils down to- and what can be good about it. We’ll also dig into 3 practical tools that you can use TODAY to lower fighting TODAY. They work in a sustainable way, not just as a temporary solution. You’ll love this episode! Make sure to like, share, subscribe and share it with a friend. 

In today’s episode we dig into: 

• How fighting really boils down to emotional self-regulation (and communication skills)
• How we can teach our children self-regulation, and lower fighting in our home
• How to teach healthy and effective communication skills (it’s probably different than you’d think) 
• The changes that have happened in my home with fighting and how you can start to make those same changes right now
• Pause, Breathe, Feel: get the custom feelings wheel HERE

Faith-Based Parenting** CLICK HERE
Parent School: CLICK HERE
Sign up for the next retreat** click here

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Coaching has changed my own life, and the lives of my clients. More connection, more healing, more harmony, and peace in our most important relationships. It increases confidence in any parenting challenges and helps you be the guide to teach your children the family values that are important to you- in clear ways. If you feel called to integrate this work in a deeper way and become a parenting expert, that’s what I’m here for. 

Download the feelings wheel HERE
Get the BOOK HERE: www.coachcrystal.ca/shop
Join the next round of PARENT SCHOOL: www.coachcrystal.ca/group
Find Your Parenting Personality: Quiz Here
IG: @the.parenting.coach
Email me at [email protected]
Information about the retreat: click here

 

Episode Transcript

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hi, I'm Crystal The Parenting Coach. Parenting is the thing that some of us just expected to know how to do. It's not like other areas of your life where you go to school and get taught, get on the job training, or have mentors to help you, but now you can get that help here.

I believe that your relationship with your children is one of the most important aspects of your life, and the best way that you can make a positive impact on the world and on the future. I've made parental relationships my life study, and I use life coaching tools, emotional wellness tools, and connection-based parenting to build amazing relationships between parents and their children.

If you want an even better relationship with your child, this podcast will help you. Take my Parenting Quiz, the link is in the show notes. Once we know what your parenting style is, we will send some tips tailored to you and a roadmap to help you get the most out of my podcast. I invite you to help me spread the word by sharing your favorite episode on social media or with a friend.

 

Don't forget to check out my new mindset journal for parents at www.coachcrystal.ca/shop, which will help you to parent calm, confident children that you love to be around.

 

Hello and welcome to today's podcast, How to Get Your Kids to Stop Fighting. 

Now, this is a question that I can ask all the time from people; they're like, 'Oh, they just fight so much – and my kids and my toddlers and my teens and my blah blah blah, and I just like want it to stop.' So, we're going to dig into what's really happening and I'm going to give you practical tools. 

I'm going to talk about three different ways that you can help with this; and with each, I'm going to give you a tool that you can actually use right now. 

 

But before digging into this concept, I just want to mention that this is my last episode of this season. Can you believe it? Season 6 is like over already. It feels like it went by so fast. And I'm excited for Season 7 to come at you in six weeks. 

So, over the next six weeks, what I want you to do is to remember to rate and review and subscribe the podcast like always - if you have not done that already, to share it with a friend. But most importantly, go back and listen to some episodes that you're interested in. 

If you go to coachcrystal.ca/blog, there's a little search bar at the side and you can type in something like emotions, and it'll pop up with all the episodes that I've done around emotions that you can listen to. 

You can also go back and listen to Episode 1, 2, and 3 of Season 1; and hear a little bit more about my story, and kind of what got me started and my own journey with my children. 

There's so many good episodes, I don't even know which ones to tell you to listen to because they're all so good. Some of my most recent favorites are What Authoritarian Parenting Looks Like 20 Years Later; I have another one on intuition… Inner Healing and Triggers – love that one. 

And I also really love the couple of interviews that I did with my clients where they tell a little bit about their story and what parenting was like for them in the past and what it is like now, and I love hearing those magical stories. 

So, there's a few. So, keep listening over the next six weeks and tell me what your favorites are; Send me an email. If you're not already on my email list, make sure that you are, because I do have a few things coming up that you're going to want to know about. 

And you can get there by going www.coachcrystal.ca/wheel, W-H-E-E-L; downloading my custom Feelings Wheel, printing it off and using it. We're going to be talking about it in today's episode, so you'll want to do it anyways. And then you'll be on my list; and I can send you emails with advice, support, answer your questions…and you'll know when my programs are starting up. 

So, like I talked about recently, I have a program called Faith-Based Parenting; and so, that one's on the go right now. And then I'm also going to be doing another round of Parent School shortly, so make sure you're on my email list to know what date and time I'm going to be starting that up because I don't know exactly, but it's probably going to be closer to the end of the summer. 

And yeah, those are the two best ways to work with me because I am going, I don't know if I've said this on the podcast yet, but we're going to be going on a world traveling trip; and I'm not going to be taking on one-on-one clients during that time. 

So, I will be over the summer, and then I will close it the end of September; and I'm super excited. We're going to be gone from September until about April or May – for my oldest son's last year of high school, his Grade 12 year; and we're going to go all over. 

We're going to be starting in Greece, and we have a lot of ideas in a lot of different countries we want to see. And I don't know what we're going to do after Greece; that is literally the only one that we have planned. 

So, we'll see where it takes us; and I'll make sure to be sharing about those adventures on my podcast, I will keep podcasting the whole time. 

One last thing is my retreats. I'm only going to be doing one more; and I'm only doing that one more because we're going to be traveling, and I have no idea where we're going to end up when we're done this. 

I don't know if I'll be doing them again or not. And like I said in a previous podcast, I'm going to be doing the Rest, Play, Grow retreat again just because it was so amazing and such a message that is needed right now. 

And it is 50% off right now until July 15th. So, the early-bird price is a thousand (1000) dollars Canadian, which is about like 800 or something American I think, or $750 American. And it's going to be going up to 2000. So, it's 50% off right now, and 2000 Canadian is about $1450 US. 

So, keep that in mind. Make sure you sign up before July 15th if you are planning on coming, and bring a friend or seven – whoever you want to bring, it'll be awesome. 

So, to get into the topic today, this is why-- this is why I decided this topic. I was thinking like, what is like the most helpful thing I could leave people with? 

And over and over and over again, recently, people have been asking me like, "Well, how do I get them to stop fighting?" Or like, "What do I do when this comes up?" 

And it's usually around sibling rivalry or sibling fighting of some sort. I remember about a year ago, I was living in the same place we are now; we're ending this place the end of September. 

But I was going on a walk, the weather was nice like it is now; and I was walking down the gravel road and I was thinking to myself like, 'What has really changed since I adopted this new parenting style…since I've, you know, been on my own inner healing journey…since I've been doing this work? Like, what are the things that have really changed?'

And there was several things that came up, but the most poignant thing that stood out that I hadn't even acknowledged or realized at that moment was that sibling fighting or sibling rivalry in our home has decreased immensely; like, just hugely. 

Like it doesn't happen very often, when it does it's way less intense; people move through it more quickly, people treat each other pretty kindly. Like for the most part, like everybody just kind of gets along; and that just was not the norm for us. 

Maybe it already is that way in your family and your kids get along great all the time, but like that was not what it was like for us. And it was for sure not. It was like what it was like in my home growing up; there was a lot of fighting between every single person all the time – even when we became adults, there was a lot of that. 

And so, what I've noticed is probably the biggest difference, or at least the one that stood out the most when I was going on that walk was like, sibling fighting went down. 

I've considered it a lot over the last year; like, what is it that made that happen? Why did that change happen? Because I never sat down and said, "Hey guys, we really need to be kind to each other, we really need to make a family pact to like stop fighting or…like, have you noticed that people are unkind to each other a lot? Like, we need to change that." I didn't do that. 

Like there was literally nothing external that I did with my kids whatsoever to make this change. I'll also preface it with like, I don't mean I'm going to teach you how to never get your kids to fight ever, because, for one; that's unrealistic and that's perfectionist goal, and we're all about good-enoughism here.

 

Why fighting can be healthy and beneficial

But for another is because I actually think it can be healthy and beneficial. And this is what I mean. This is just one small example, but there's something called an empathy loop. 

So, when I hit somebody else or yell at somebody else, I might like immediately have like a little like self-righteous, like, 'Oh, you deserved that,' kind of thing…but then I'm going to see them cry and them be sad or angry or whatever, and I'm going to feel empathy. It naturally happens. 

When we are fighting/playing/play-fighting, we're actually learning. We're learning; how to respond to people, how not to respond to people, how we want to show up and how we don't want to show up, and how it impacts other people and how that makes us feel and how it makes them feel. 

So, we actually don't want to just be like, 'No fighting ever', 'No disagreements', 'No arguments'…we don't want that. But we do want to probably change it if we're feeling like it's…they're fighting all the time and I don't know what to do about this. So, if you're feeling that way, listen to this episode and then share it with a friend.

 

3 ways to stop siblings from fighting

So, I'm going to tell you three different things that are going to be supportive in stopping sibling fighting. And with each one I will give you a tool so that you can actually use it today. 

So, if you want to go grab like a pen and a paper, and you can like take notes; write down the three things, write down the three tools and you can start working with them. You can also go get my Mindset Journal at www.coachcrystal.ca/shop. Scroll down to the page, and you can print off my Mindset Journal in there. That will be full of helpful tools as well. 

 

1. Emotional regulation

Okay, so the number one is Emotional Regulation.

 

How fighting really boils down to emotional self-regulation (and communication skills)

So, what we're really talking about when we're talking about fighting, is that our kids are usually dysregulated. Right? Like they scream or they yell or they hit or they throw something – or they say something unkind, even if they're not screaming or yelling…and that's coming from a space of them acting out or reacting to the feeling that they're feeling inside. 

Maybe they're feeling frustration or anger or rage or hurt, and they're responding in that moment. They're reacting in that moment. They're not taking time to pause, they're not taking time to breathe – they're like, calm themselves down…they're just reacting. 

We do the same thing too as adults. So, that's what emotional dysregulation often looks like, is when I like lose it and I feel like I kind of lose control of my behavior. And our goal in our own healing, as adults, is to not have our behavior completely overtaken by that temporary emotion to be able to pause and to be able to kind of just see what's really happening inside myself and my body and what's going on for me and not always be reacting in the way that I don't want to be.

 

How we can teach our children self-regulation, and lower fighting in our home

And emotional regulation comes into play with fighting because of this. Really, it's like they're feeling these intense emotions and they don't know how to not respond physically or verbally when they're feeling that feeling.

So, what we want to be teaching is the skill of Emotional Regulation. I talk about this often on the podcast. So, you're probably like, 'I know, I know, Emotional Regulation,' but if you remember what I say…emotional regulation is taught through co-regulation.

It's not taught through talking to them about it. It's not taught through reading them books or having calm down corners, or teaching them box breathing. 

Those things might be supportive also, but emotional regulation – the actual skill, the actual ability to be able to do this comes through co-regulation, which means having a connected attached adult there present with you who is modeling that regulation. 

Not as in like I'm telling you exactly what I'm doing and what's happening inside my body, but I am doing it for myself. Not even like them seeing me count down from 10 or them seeing me breathe, but like my energy being really high and intense and lowering it back down to calm will help bring their energy down over time. 

Doesn't mean it's going to happen immediately, it might take them a while still – but having brought myself down to calm, I can then hold space for them. I can hold space for their emotions so that they can feel safe to feel the feeling that they're feeling, and their brains will come back down again, and everybody will be regulated. 

Now, it sounds a lot more simple than it actually is, plays out in real life. But once I can figure out how to bring myself back down to calm again, then I might say or do something – or I might not do anything, I might just sit there breathing and like looking inwards at what's going on for me…and that might be enough to bring them back down. 

 

The tool for Emotional Regulation – Pause, Breathe, Feel

So, how you want to teach emotional regulation is through your own emotional regulation; and so that we can be co-regulating with them. And again, not teaching them or talking to them about it, but; what's going on for me? 

And so, the tool that I'm going to leave you with right now for emotional regulation is going to be threefold; it's going to be pause, breathe, feel. 

 

(a) Pause

Pause; before I respond to them fighting – I hear them upstairs, they're fighting in the kitchen….I walk upstairs – my energy is going to naturally go up, it's naturally going to be elevated. That's what we do. We match emotions, right? 

So, my emotion's going to go up, but then I'm going to pause. I'm not going to say or do anything in that moment; I'm just going to pause because the longer pause that I can create, the more intentional I'm going to be able to be with my response. 

 

(b) Breathe

Second is breathe. Not telling them to breathe, not making sure that they can hear me breathe or making it really obvious so that they know that they should be breathing; like, just me. This is all about me; this isn't about them right now. 

So, the breathe-- The breath that I really like is breathing in through my nose and then holding it for a moment, breathing out deep exhale twice as long as my inhale, holding it for a moment – and then back in again. It's like a circular breath. And I'm just going to do that a few times; just going to do some deep cleansing breaths.

 

(c) Feel

Three is Feel. So, remember when I said to download the Feelings Wheel in the beginning; download that, print it off… put it somewhere. 

With a feeling portion is going to be just tapping into, what am I feeling right now? So, maybe you put your hand on your chest or you like squeeze yourself, give yourself a big hug; and you're just like, okay, what am I feeling?

Get really intentional and aware of like, what does this feel like in my body? What feeling is it that I'm feeling right now? And name it. If you can't figure out the name, you can just say something like comfortable or uncomfortable – or like light and open…or like heavy and closed because we have, all emotions kind of fit under that. 

You can grab the Feelings Wheel, and you can start practicing like; what emotion is this? It doesn't have to be like the one right perfect emotion in order for it to be helpful and supportive. And if you're really struggling with like naming the emotion, what it can also be just as helpful – sometimes even more helpful – is to describe how it feels in your body. 

So, my body's feeling tense, it's feeling constricted, it's feeling like there's a really strong stone pushing down on my chest. It's feeling like my heart is racing, my skin is feeling hot, clammy…whatever that is. So, you can just describe it in that way as well. 

 

So, the number one way is emotional regulation. And as you start to practice the skill of emotional regulation, you're just notice that you're going to be bringing a different energy into your home and you're going to be bringing a different energy into their arguments because you're not just going to be throwing more energy into that situation, more intensity into that situation, and that will immediately help. 

 

2. Modeling

Number two is modeling. So, what am I modeling to them? I like to do an audit on myself and think like, 'Okay, so if I want to teach them emotional regulation, how is my own self-regulation? If I want to teach them to be like kind to other people, like how kind am I when I'm speaking into my actions – like, what do they see me do? If I want to teach them, like taking care of themselves better, how do I take care of myself? If I want to teach them screen time--' 

Screen time regulation is a huge one that comes up for my clients and for just random people asking me and sending me messages. I always, the number one question I ask before we dig into anything about screens is, what is your relationship with screens like? Because usually it's not great. 

 

How to teach healthy and effective communication skills

So, number two is going to be modeling. So, whatever it is that I want to teach, I'm going to be modeling it. So, when we look at something like fighting, regulation is in there, right? Self-Regulation.

So, how am I modeling self-regulation, but then also healthy communication. So, when I have a disagreement with somebody – it could be on Facebook, it could be on Instagram, it could be in real life, it could be over text, it could be on the phone- if they were there like sitting and watching me, even if they're not sitting and watching me, how do you respond? 

How do you communicate effectively when somebody has a completely different opinion…or when somebody's saying something unkind about you – or when they're totally wrong about you and they're telling you something that you don't feel like is true? How do you respond? Do you yell back? Do you use shaming words? Are you unkind? Do you just hang up the phone? Like, how do you communicate? 

In an ideal situation – think back to a time where you handle it really well, what did that look like? Did you sit? Did you actively listen? Did you kind of take it in and like pause and respond intentionally? What kind of words did you use? What kind of energy were you feeling? What did that look like? Those are the tools that you want to bring here that you want to be modeling.

You can even just be thinking about your relationship with your partner; how do you handle things when you are not on the same page? When you completely disagree about something, how does that go in your home, typically? 

And even if you're like, 'Well, I don't fight in front of my kids,' or 'They don't know,' or whatever…our kids can like feel our energy. We don't have to tell them that we hate our body or that we fight with our partner because we don't know what to do or that we don't like ourselves or that we feel we're doing a bad job or that we think we're ugly or we're not confident or whatever; like, we don't have to be telling all of that. 

We teach – not teach – we speak through our energy. Like we have-- We're passed down beliefs from our parents just through, just even subconsciously without them even telling us things, right? 

Like we just knew. There was some things that we just knew deep-down in our bones, even if they didn't verbalize it; and it's the same way with us. So, even if we're like, 'No, no, no, I don't-- I communicate really healthy in front of them, I only ever like fight unkindly on social media or on text or when they're not around,' they're still going to be feeling that energy from you. 

 

So, number two is modeling. And so, the tool for this one would just be to do like a quick self-audit. Just like get a piece of paper and a pen, and just write down like communication or something…like, how healthy is my communication? 

Rank it on a scale of 1 to 10; and then write down like, what would I want to change? What does healthy communication look like for me, and how well do I feel like I'm modeling healthy communication? 

Because we can all do it in a healthy way; typically, we like have the tools when we just take the time to like calm ourselves down to acknowledge what's triggering us, to acknowledge what's really going on behind the scenes, and then going back and communicating effectively.

So, there will be times in the past where you have communicated more effectively and less effectively; and you can kind of analyze those a little bit and learn a little bit more about yourself as you do that; learn more about what situations it is easier for you to respond effectively and in the way that you want, and what energy was behind that. 

And then how you can use that same skill to bring it forward in modeling that in your home, modeling healthy communication and healthy self-regulation. 

Yes, okay. So that's the second tool. So, we talked about Emotional Regulation, we talked about Modeling.

 

3. Self-work

Number three is self-work. And I know I talk about this often and you're probably like, 'You talked about this a hundred times,' but it's because it is true; Conscious Parenting comes naturally from inner healing. 

There's lots of different modalities that you could work on this with; it can be meditation, it can be yoga, it can be coaching therapy, breath work, hypnotherapy. 

I think it needs to be something more active than just talk therapy. I also think it needs to be something more active than just yoga or just meditation. I think you need to be doing something that also digs into; what's triggering me and why, and then how can I move through that? Who can help me to process through this? 

Self-work is just the concept of; if triggers are teachers, what is triggering me, and how can I move through that and use it as a teaching moment for myself? Like, what can I learn from it? 

And kind of turn down the volume of that trigger a little bit so that maybe next time I feel a little bit less triggered or maybe that same situation doesn't trigger me at all in the future, and that is possible. That is possible work. That's what we talk about on this podcast all the time. 

So, the number three tool would be to find your own healing modality. And you can even just start small. If you're like, "I don't know where to start", like go on Psychology Today and start looking up therapists, or ask your friends who they see or if they have any like ideas or have any referrals for you. 

Start looking up coaches. There's lots of different directories. Like I'm on a directory called The Life Coach School directory. I'm on another one called the LDS Life Coach School directory. 

There's lots of just like Life Coaching directories, and you can look up people; and most people will offer like a free consult so you can go on and just like chat with them and see if it's going to be effective for you. 

If you're like, "I can't do that in this stage of my life right now," then what could you do? What healing could you-- Could you try to just to like meditate a little bit every day? Could you go to like a group breath work class or a group hypnotherapy class?

There's even like free classes available too; like, there's so much free stuff out there. Even like listening to podcasts. But instead of just listening to podcasts, like you can go back to the one where I talk about intuition, inner healing and triggers; and you can like take notes, and you can start using those tools on yourself. Like that is inner healing. 

If you're like, 'Well, I can't afford that right now,' or 'I'm not in a time and a place where I can do this effectively right now,' then just start doing the work on yourself every day – even just like five minutes every morning or at night to just commit to the work of like doing thought dumps or meditation or feeling work…any of the work that I talk about here on the podcast. 

And you can even get my book. There's like a super cheap version of my book that you can get at coachcrystal.ca/shop. If you scroll down to the bottom of the page, there is a PDF fillable version; and I think it's only like $20. So, you can download that and start doing that work every day; that is healing work, that will work also. So, if you're like, "I can't hire a therapist or coach right now," you can start with that; that's a great place to start. 

 

So, number one was model-- Number one was emotional regulation, number two was modeling, and number three was self-work. And I really think that that is the equation. It's not talking to my kids about fighting; it's not talking to them about how they should be changing and why we need to change – and having these constant long lectures and family group discussions about arguing.

It's actually me, right? It's inward; it's, what am I modeling? It's emotional regulation so that I can be teaching them co-regulation just through my being, not even through my words. It's through me doing my own self-work because I'm going to be bringing a different energy into the home when I'm doing that. 

And I'm not-- This isn't about being perfect. I'm not going to always be perfectly bringing in an amazing energy all the time, but I'm also teaching them and modeling them how to handle things when I don't feel great. 

Do I let myself rest? Do I let myself have time alone, when I need it? Do I go on a walk when I'm feeling frustrated? And, do I journal? Like what sorts of self tools do I use that they're just going to see and know and learn even if I'm not overtly telling them about it? 

And you will find that, over time, as you do this, sibling fighting will decrease; it really will as you start to make these changes, and even just start to notice like your own thoughts and your own feelings. 

And one of the thoughts you can notice too is like if you are thinking 'My kids fight all the time', that's the only evidence your brain's going to be looking for. 

It's going to be thinking for all the little tiny times that they're fighting. You're going to wake up looking for that actively – even if you don't consciously know that's what you're looking for, if your overarching belief about your children is that they fight all the time, your brain will just continuously feed you evidence of that. 

So, finding some work to do on your own mindset will also be super supportive in this because maybe they really don't fight as much as you think they do, maybe you are doing a lot better of a job than you think you are – and they are also. 

And as you start to like ask yourself those questions and look for the good, more good will follow; whatever we focus on grows. And so, you get to choose intentionally what you're going to focus on; and, "Our brains won't intentionally do what's good for it unless we direct it to do so"…that quote is from Yung Pueblo in his book Lighter, which I also suggest. It's a great one. 

So, there's a few different tools that you can work on. You have six weeks until my podcast comes back again. So, it'll be a great opportunity to, instead of just consuming more podcasts and doing more of that, to actually integrate this work; you're like, 'Okay, I know she's talked about this all the time, maybe I should really do it right now.' 

Yes, this is your-- this is your like drop of a hint – more of a drop of a hint. This is your direct like…yes, you should start this work now. 

It will also really help in the summer when you're like, 'My kids are all going to be home and there's going to be so much more arguing and all of that.' Like, this is the work to do for that. 

If you want to set yourself up for an amazing summer, set yourself up for amazing emotional and mental health by doing these three things first. So, if you have any other questions, as I'm not on my podcast for the next few weeks, I would love to just hear from you and listen. Just answer your questions and whatever comes up for you. 

And then I will be back in the podcast July, I think, it's July 17th – but six weeks from now – and I will definitely send out when that's going to be to my email list. So, make sure you hop on my email list as well. 

Again, that's coachcrystal.ca/wheel W-H-E-E-L. You can download that custom Feelings wheel. It's also really pretty; I made it really pretty. And then you can start working on this work today. 

I want to just end by saying thank you so much for being here and for supporting my podcast and supporting this work – more importantly, supporting this work and spreading it to the world. 

And if you are interested in working with me, like I said, the two ways that you can work with me over the next year are going to be through Parent School and through Faith-Based Parenting; and I will be running both of those regularly over the next year. So, you can find the links below to that and you can send me an email as well, and we can chat more about it. Thank you for being here, and we will see you in six weeks. Have a fabulous summer.

 

Thanks for listening. If you'd like to help spread this work to the world, share this episode on social media and tag me – send it to a friend, or leave a quick rating and review below so more people can find me. If you'd like more guidance on your own parenting journey, reach out.