S08|11 - Move Through Frustration in 15 Minutes or Less

 

Whether you struggle with teens, big emotions, managing screen-time, curbing your yelling or reactions, sibling rivalry, supporting neurodiversity, or anything else that comes in parenting- YOU are your own parenting expert. This meditation process will be integral in that process. If you find it supportive, make sure to join the last live round of Parent School. 

This week you’ll hear: 

• how big emotions can keep us stuck from showing up in the way we want to (in parenting and in life) 
• the picture we paint of who we want to be, and what we want our home and parenting life to look like (and why it doesn’t often line up with reality) 
• how to do the Inner Work of healing to create exactly the life we want
• guided meditation process to help you move through frustration, or any big emotion, in 15 minutes or less… that you can come back to again and again

Together we will uncover anything blocking you from your unique path- your journey in parenting and in life. Join me in Parent School. Discover your own unique path, with confidence… raising emotionally intelligent children that leave your home knowing that you truly, deeply care for them… that you always have, and you always will. Isn’t that we all want deep down? That is my goal for me, and for you… and for the future generation for children we are raising. To be seen. To be heard. To be valued. To feel loved. To feel supported. To feel known. To welcome them to be themselves- fully and completely. That is The Work. I am here for it. Welcome. 

Join me for the LAST LIVE round of Parent School:

• shame resiliency: how to feel shame and move through it, what triggers us and why, and how to move through heaviness and use it for growth. 
• emotional regulation: what co-regulation is and how to support our children from our energy- not our words (not scripts and mantras, this work is much deeper than that), how to support ourselves and our kids through big emotions.
• the power of our thoughts and beliefs: how to separate who we are from what we think, how to create the exact relationship we want through the power of our mind 
• connection-based parenting: why it’s the way of the future, how to parent in a relationship-first manner, developing deep and lasting connections that last a lifetime.
• 6 modules covering all these topics, and more. 2 group coaching calls to get support in your individual family situations. (add-on available for your partner to join). 

Find all the information HERE.
Contact me via email: [email protected]
Audio/text message me on Voxer HERE.

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hi, I'm Crystal The Parenting Coach. Parenting is the thing that some of us just expected to know how to do. It's not like other areas of your life where you go to school and get taught, get on the job training, or have mentors to help you, but now you can get that help here.

I believe that your relationship with your children is one of the most important aspects of your life, and the best way that you can make a positive impact on the world and on the future. I've made parental relationships my life study; and I use life coaching tools, emotional wellness tools, and connection-based parenting to build amazing relationships between parents and their children.

If you want an even better relationship with your child, this podcast will help you. Take my Parenting Quiz, the link is in the show notes. Once we know what your parenting style is, we will send some tips tailored to you and a roadmap to help you get the most out of my podcast.

 

Hello, my friends, and welcome to the podcast episode today. You are going to be so excited when you hear about this. Every time that I do a guided audio meditation, people are always like, 'Do more, do more.' So, I'm doing more. Here you go.

So, today's podcast episode is going to be, Move Through Frustration in 15 minutes or Less.

You may have already heard me do this guided meditation in the past; I've been sending it on email and sharing about it a little bit because it is so important. So, I'm going to talk a little bit about big emotions and why they come up for us as parents, which I've talked about in the past. But I really want to cement this idea of the triggers; why we are feeling triggered is what is blocking us from parenting in the way that we want.

And as we do processes like this more somatic processes – somatic means like in the body, experiencing something within our body – these are the things over and over and over again as we do them that are going to help us to better show up in the way that we want to in parenting.

 

How big emotions can keep us stuck from showing up in the way we want to (in parenting and in life)

So, before we dig into the meditation today, maybe frustration isn't your jam – maybe you don't often feel frustrated, maybe it's something else – so, I'm going to list a few emotions, and I want you to pick kind of one or two or all of them that you feel on a regular basis around parenting… frustration, rage, anger, sadness, grief, guilt, shame, discouragement, depressed, anxious, worry, fear, hopelessness, powerlessness. 

Now, you can insert any other emotion that you would like, but I picked some big emotions that I feel on a regular basis. If you were listening to this episode and you're like, 'No, I feel Zen all the time,' go back and listen to some of the episodes I've done on emotional regulation and see if you can dig into; how do I feel feelings, and what do my feelings feel like, and how do I understand them and name them a little bit more.

But for the rest of us that are feeling like, 'Yes, I do feel a lot of feelings, I feel big emotions…' And this doesn't mean that you necessarily express them outwardly, like you're not yelling or screaming or crying or whatever…maybe you don't do that, but you do feel that emotion internally. That's what we're going to dig into today.

As we go through this audio meditation, I invite you to change the word 'frustration' for whatever emotion you feel like going through today. So, maybe you are feeling a lot of discouragement…then when I use the word 'frustration', I invite you to just dig into what does discouragement feel like in my body and let's process through that instead?

What I've noticed over and over and over again is that we don't need more parenting knowledge. We don't need more information. We don't need more experts telling us what to do. The more information we get drowned in, we tune out of our own inner authority, our own inner answers. And I truly believe that we are our own parenting experts. 

The only reason I was not able to show up in the way that I wanted to in parenting wasn't because I didn't know how to do it; I knew what it looked like, right? I had this really clear vision of exactly how I wanted to show up in parenting, and you probably do too. 

What does that vision look like for you? What does that dream of parenting look like for you? Maybe your kids get along and have beautiful relationships, maybe your children age and they love to come home and be with you…maybe they are calm, maybe they're confident. And by 'calm', I don't mean calm all the time; I don't mean just like always neutral, never feeling emotions.

 

The picture we paint of who we want to be, and what we want our home and parenting life to look like (and why it doesn’t often line up with reality)

But how is that? That parenting picture of what you want in your home, what you want in your family life, what does that look like for you? My guess is you have a very clear image of that. My guess is you don't need to read 17 more books that tell you what you want, right? That tell you that…paint this picture of the kind of family and the kind of home and the kind of parenting situation that you want. You already know, as soon as I ask that question. 

Now, my next question is, how do you want to show up as a parent? If you could show up in any way that you wanted, if anything was possible for you, how do you want to show up? I'm going to take a guess because I've coached hundreds of you. 

So, I'm going to-- I'm going to take a little guess and say that you probably want to be more self-regulated…which means the ability to feel all my feelings and come back to calm again, which means not have my behavior completely overtaken by that temporary strong emotion that I'm feeling, which means knowing how to bring my body back down to calm in those moments and kind of uncovering even what's triggering me behind that. Right?

So, you probably want to be regulated; that's probably something you have. You probably want a deep connection with your child; you probably want to feel connected to them, you probably want to believe that they feel connected to you and that you have a strong and secure attachment. My guess is that you also want to model the behaviors you want to see in them. 

If you are listening to my podcast, this is your jam, right? You're like, 'Yes, I want to model exactly what I want to see in them.' You probably also want to understand how to feel shame, feel that not-enoughness in your body…feel that guilt of like, oh, I'm not doing this right, or whatever that is for you and move through it, and make mistakes with your children and to your children – and come back and respond and repair and truly connect and truly be compassionate in a really authentic way.

Not just like in this false way where I'm like pretending like I am and doing the right steps, but like you really want to feel it. 

Does that sound a little bit on par with what you thought of when I asked, how do you want to show up as a parent, if anything was possible? 

Now, if you're like, 'No, I want to be perfect all the time,' then I have a news for you…that is impossible. 

And it's also really great that it's impossible because we show our children how to make mistakes, we show them how to respond to shame, we show them how to move through all of that…through how we do that as well. And that happens through mistakes; it doesn't happen through perfectionism. 

So, if you feel like your version of like, if anything was possible has some perfection in there, then I would invite you to just go all the way there with your mind. 

What would life have been like for you if you had an absolutely perfect parent in the home with you? How would you have felt about yourself when you made mistakes? What would you have felt like was possible for yourself?

How would you have related to your parents? Could you feel like you could have been around them, been accepted and loved no matter what – even in your own mistakes?

I would just invite you to really ask yourself that question because when I ask myself that question and I go back to my childhood home, I'm like, do I want it to be perfect? I mean, sure, part of me wanted to be perfect and just calm and happy and safe and secure all of the time, but why might that not have been what would've been best for me and for my growth? And do I really want that for my children? Did I really want that as a child? 

So, question that a little bit, come back…again, wave a magical wand – if anything was possible for you to show up in your parenting, let's paint that picture. 

Now that you know what you want in your parenting, what you want in yourself, how you want to show up, how you want your family life to be like…we think about these things often, I would guess. And even if we don't, it's like innately there somewhere deep inside of us; it's just there. 

We don't need to read more books about how to get it there. We're like, 'Okay, yes, we have this, but those mantras or those scripts or those little step-by-step, things that people have given us haven't necessarily worked for us. 

And there's a reason for that. One is you're unique and you're individual. So, not everybody's path is going to work for you. The way that I approach connection-based parenting and the way that I talk about it might also not be well-suited for you. It might be better for you to find somebody else where you feel more connected to what it is that they're saying. 

But though what I've noticed is those really clear books that I would read that would say like, "Do this or say this to your child" or "Have this kind of a conversation with them", or "This is how you have communication"…were very prescriptive and I couldn't actually implement them in the moment. 

When you're in your big emotions, when you're feeling dysregulated, when you're strongly activated or triggered, those all kind of go out the window and you don't respond in the way that you necessarily want to. And I was noticing that that was happening over and over and over, over and over again for me.

 

How to do the Inner Work of healing to create exactly the life we want

A few weeks ago, I shared more about my story; and I'm sure you heard that episode as well - if not, you can go back in to listen to that. But this was happening for me. That's what was blocking me. Like there was like this literal mental and emotional block for me showing up as the parent that I wanted to be, and from where I was actually showing up as. 

And I knew that it was damaging and I knew that it was pretty destructive and I knew that it was harming my relationship with my kids, but I didn't know how to stop it. 

And just recently I had my friend Michael Anderson on the podcast, I think it was just last week – if you want to go listen to that episode, you can as well. And he said that 80% of the clients that he talks to-- He's a therapist he works with in therapy and coaching for parents specifically. 

He said 80% of it is them doing their own inner healing. Like that is the answer. And that is also the answer here. That is always the answer. There is always going to be this inner healing work for us to do. And as we do that work in whatever arena it is--  

Even if you're not a parent right now or if you're not dealing with parenting struggles right now, you can add this same concept to anything…it can be your work life, it can be your relationship with your partner, it can be anything. 

So, I invite you just to notice…where are big emotions coming up for me? Where am I feeling triggered? And just invite you to be open to the idea that maybe inner healing is the avenue, the path to get you exactly what you want. 

It's not more knowledge, it's not more ideas, it's not more like information jammed in your head. We've all listened to an abundance of podcasts, listen to lots of books…read books, whatever. And that probably hasn't helped as much as doing your own inner healing. 

So, if you've never had therapy, if you've never had coaching, what I mean by 'healing' is uncovering, what is triggering me? What's underneath this trigger? Why is it triggering me in the first place?

And how can I heal that part of me that needs healing – send love, compassion, light energy to that part of me that needs healing…simultaneously learning tools like, how do I regulate my emotions? How do I bring myself back down to calm when I'm feeling really stressed or really activated?

And as I do that work simultaneously, I will notice that over time I'm less triggered, less intensely, less frequently. I'm better able to create just a tiny little bit more space and more pause between how I show up as a parent, how I respond to things, and the big emotion that I'm feeling. 

Between a stimulus and response, there is a pause. And in that pause lies our growth and freedom, right? That is our power. The power is the pause, that's Viktor Frankl. 

And as we're able to extend that pause a little bit, you will notice that you are able to more show up in the way that you want to. And then again, there's always that time that we're not going to be able to. And I think that that can be a beautiful time to reconnect and to have repair be what we teach as well, which I think is just as beautiful. 

So, that is the goal for all of us, is to figure out like; how can I move through from here, where I am right now in parenting and where I want to be in parenting? 

The answer is always going to be our own inner healing journey. And whether or not you feel like actually parenting is going pretty well for me or not, there is probably other areas in your life where you're feeling triggered and there's probably areas within parenting that still trigger you.

We're not just going to heal all the things in all the areas and never feel triggered again. Our goal is shame resiliency; how do I move through it? How do I feel it? How do I move on? How do I build this skill? How do I love myself through all of the things that I'm going through?

 

So, as we dive into the meditation today, I invite you to take a big emotion – any big emotion that you've felt lately or you're feeling now through this meditative process – and see how you feel. 

We're going to dig into things like inner child healing, which means it's really the root behind the trigger. There is a subconscious belief that is being activated by something externally that happened, even if I don't logically understand that the belief is there. 

Lots of times, I logically don't even believe the belief…but deep down, subconsciously I still do and it's still there. And so, I've noticed that hypnotherapy, somatic breathwork, more somatic work – just in my body processing things through, like with guided meditation – over time, has helped me with shame and with inner healing than anything consciously has, any of the mindset work.

So, we're still going to bring that in, we're still going to talk about it, but we want to do this more deep-seated work as well.

 

Parent School, the last round

One last thing before we dig into this meditation-- And again, you can come back to it over and over again…do it as many times as you want.

I want to mention that this is the last round of Parent School that I'm going to be doing live. And if this work interests you, if you've been like listening to my podcast on and off over the years…and you're like, 'Yeah, I love this. I felt benefit from this, I feel this in my bones,' I would love to have you join us.

This is the lowest cost that I've ever done it because I want it available to as many people possible for the last live round. I'm making it as accessible as possible but not because it's less valuable; it is so valuable, but because I really want it to be just open and get as many people in as we can in this last round so that we can learn these skills…so that we can share it, so that we can spread it, so that we can use this work with our clients or our kids or our community or our church.

As we change, people around us will change; that happens naturally. Even the people that change because of us will make those ripple effects and changes. And so, we can be that change as we change ourselves first. 

So, come and join me if you're feeling called, if you're feeling the pull intuitively to come into this program…I would invite you to come and just listen to that voice that's inside of you that's like, 'Yep, this is for me right now.' 

And if you are not feeling that intuitive pull, not to feel the FOMO of like, 'Oh no, I should have done it,' nah, nah, nah, no, no, no…there will be something for you. There will be another guide, there'll be another mentor. There'll be something that will help you again on that healing journey, whatever modality it is that you feel called to tap into right now.

I love to invest my time, my energy, and my money in things that are sustainable and that are going to change my life and that are going to improve it for the better and help me find more joy in my day-to-day life. And this work has absolutely done that thousands of times over. I am so grateful that I was able to find it, and I'm so grateful to be able to spread it to you.

So, if you would like parenting coaching from me, this is the opportunity for you to do that. I would love for you to share this information with your friends. If you know anybody that might be interested; it's for both couples and individuals, you'll find all the information that you need at coachcrystal.ca/group.

It is going to be open for the entire month of March, and we will be running it for eight weeks. It will involve two live group coaching calls where you get to bring your own unique struggles and whatever-- what is ever is coming up for you as we learn these.

And we will go over six modules of exactly the kind of work that I talk about on this podcast and really help you to integrate the work that I teach on the podcast and really implement it to see that change in your life.

 

So, I hope this episode has been helpful for you. I know that the meditation will be so fruitful. I love listening to guided meditations and I find them so supportive for me. So, I hope you enjoy that, share this work, spread it with anyone you want, share this meditation with them, and we will see you on the podcast next week. 

 

Guided meditation process to help you move through frustration, or any big emotion, in 15 minutes or less… that you can come back to again and again

Hello everyone. The process that I'm going to help take you through is a process that I do on myself; I just did it the other day, and it's specifically for helping us move through frustration. Does anybody else feel frustration, anger…those intense emotions that we're like, how do I move through this? 

I so often find that when I stay in that frustration and I stay in that anger, it just builds and builds and builds. And I start seeing why I'm angry at a lot of other things in the world. Why everything in the world is just not right and not how I want it to be. 

And I tend to take that anger out on the people that I love. I respond in ways that I don't want to, and I definitely show up in ways that aren't aligned with who I hope to be, who I try to be. 

And so, as I go through this process, I love to move that frustration into something new…into something different so that I can release and just move myself back to a space where I feel like I'm able to show up in the way that I want. I find so often that for me, personally, sadness is underneath that frustration – sadness and hurt are underneath the anger.

And so, that is what we're going to do today. We're going to move to the frustration, and find that sadness or that hurt or that wound that's underneath it and process through that today. And I hope that it will be as helpful to you as it is to me. 

As I'm doing things like this, I love to get into a comfortable position, whether that's laying on my bed or sitting up. You can have your hands up or hands down. You can give yourself a hug. You can have your hands on your heart, whatever feels comfortable. 

And I invite you if you're the kind of person that falls asleep during meditation or things like that are a little bit more still, to maybe just stay sitting during this process to stay at least somewhat alert…and just gently close your eyes whenever you are ready. 

And we are just going to start with a breath. 

I invite you to breathe in through the nose…exhale slowly, twice as long through the mouth, in through the nose. Exhale twice as long out through the mouth. Just focus on that breath…in through the nose, out through the mouth. 

And when you feel settled and grounded and present, I invite you to allow your body to relax. Do a scan of your body and notice…is there any parts of your body that are holding tension, discomfort, pain?

And just allow yourself to send some love, some breath, some relaxation to that part of your body. Settle into the ground. 

With the next few breaths, I invite you to feel even more relaxed and more peaceful and more present. 

I invite you to now think of the last time that you felt frustrated, bring it up into your mind. 

As you bring that memory up into your mind, I invite you to really make it crisp and clear; think about what room you're in…maybe you can even remember what you're wearing, what your hair is like, who is there with you. Can you notice any sights, any smell, any sounds? 

As you're in that memory, I invite you to think about what you're thinking; is there somebody else there with you that you're frustrated at? Is your frustration geared towards someone else? What are you thinking about? Let it all out in your mind.

Is your frustration inwards? Is it towards yourself? Let that frustration out. Feel it. Feel the expanse of it. Feel how it feels to feel the frustration. 

As we sit here with the frustration, I invite you to allow the memory to fade up over the top of your head and down through the base of your neck. But stick with that feeling in your body, that feeling of frustration or anger, whatever is there…and I invite you to describe it. 

Describe it in any words that you can in your mind to yourself. If you were explaining this feeling that you're feeling in this moment to somebody else around you, what kind of words would you use? Does it feel hot? Does it feel heavy? Is it in a specific part of your body? Does it feel tingly or sharp, bumpy or smooth? Does your pulse feel like it's racing? Does your thoughts feel like they're spinning? Does your skin feel clammy and hot? 

Notice how it feels in your body to feel this emotion. When we're feeling emotions, we have dozens of chemicals released into our bloodstream. It's a physical process. We feel it physically. I invite you to stay with this physical feeling that you're feeling.

As you do so and as you kind of lean into that feeling, I invite you to go back to your breath. I invite you to bring that breath back in again in through the nose, out through the mouth. And as you breathe, maybe you notice the tension start to ease up a little bit. Start to relax a little. 

As you sit with this frustration, I invite you to ask yourself some questions and answer in your mind…what's really bothering me behind this frustration? What about this is so difficult for me? Why does that bother me so much? And lastly, what am I making this mean about me? 

This situation that's not working out, this person that I want to change, this thing that is frustrating me that I don't want…what am I making that mean about me? 

I invite you to seek for any part of yourself that's looking for validation outside of yourself…looking for some level of love, support, acceptance from someone else so that you can feel that acceptance towards you from you. 

Is there anything under the surface bubbling up under that anger and frustration that says words like, "I am unloved", "I am unworthy", "I don't belong", "I am unseen", "I am unsupported", "There is something wrong with me". 

When I said those phrases, did any sadness come up for you? Did any one of those stick out to you? If they did, I invite you to hold on to that phrase…to sit with that phrase and to allow the sadness to come. Don't move it through. Don't push it away. 

What sadness is there underneath your frustration? What hurt is there? What wound is there? 

Can you speak words to it? Can you give words to it? 

Emotions or messages, there's a message from our brain to our body. What is the message there underneath the frustration? What is the sad, the hurt, the wound? 

As you sit with the sadness, maybe tears come…maybe the feeling of sadness feels heavy in your body. Maybe it feels like it pulls you down. Maybe it feels blue or soft, bumpy or smooth, tingly or sharp. 

Again, go to those descriptive words; what does this feeling of sadness feel like for you in this moment? Where do you feel it? Accept it and welcome it in. Sit alongside it like you're both sitting on a bench…sitting beside the sadness and listening to the words it has for you. 

As you do so, you'll notice the release – an emotion, when we allow ourselves to feel it, only lasts for 90 seconds. So, allow that sadness to be. Maybe as you sit alongside the bench of sadness with it, maybe you feel like hugging it and maybe you imagine comforting it or comforting yourself. Maybe you hug yourself, maybe you allow yourself to release, to cry. Maybe you add a loud sigh or exhale to your next breath. 

Soon as you've hit the sadness…as soon as you've hit that wound, the frustration releases, the anger releases. 

I invite you to end this practice by asking yourself; now that I've moved through these feelings, now that I'm feeling differently than before…what do I need? Do I need to ask for support? Do I need to support myself in a different way than I have been? Do I need to have a conversation with someone about something? Do I need to set or uphold the boundary or make a change in a relationship? 

What can you do to support yourself, to protect yourself? Moving through that anger, moving through that sadness…what message is there to help shift or change things to help set yourself up for success next time? Doesn't mean that you're not successful if you feel sadness and frustration, it will bubble up in other areas of your life. 

But if there is something that needs shifting, allow yourself to listen to that. I invite this to be a time where you can write, where you can journal. 

We're going to end with a few breaths just to cleanse. You can even shake it out, shake your body. Move, breathe into your nose, exhale out through your mouth. 

Again, deepening that inhale and that exhale with exhale being twice as long as the inhale. Maybe you release some sound, maybe you even feel like yelling or shouting – you can release that. 

If you're in a space where you can do so. Maybe you just sit and cry; crying is releasing…laughing is releasing, breathing, it's regulating. And whenever you're ready, gently open your eyes. 

 

You can come back to this process as often as you like. If it was hard for you to figure out what was underneath that frustration, just keep trying. Just keep allowing it. Don't feel like you did it wrong. Sometimes it's hard for us to dig under whatever is under the surface. Sometimes we're just too close to it. Sometimes we're too close to that frustration or that anger. So, just allow it to come. Maybe it'll come as you just go about your day, maybe something will come to mind. 

And I invite you to think about joining me in The Creation Room. This is the work we're going to be doing. We'll have meditations that we'll be focusing on for the month. We'll have an intention for the month.

The first month is creating space in our calendar, in our mind, in our life and our relationships. We are going to be doing books and book summaries that will help us to make little shifts in our mind. The goal is to create anything we want this year, whatever that is. 

If that's a different kind of relationship than you have with your partner or your spouse right now, or a different relationship you have with your kids – you want to show up differently in parenting. Maybe it's more wealth that you want to create a promotion at work. Whatever the change is, whatever you'd like to create is possible. 

And it's possible from a space of regulating your nervous system, of not worrying so much about the action that you need to take to get there, and about working on creating new beliefs. And that is the work that we're going to be doing here. 

The most important work that we're going to be doing is tapping into…what does my intuition tell me? What does my intuition say? What does it feel like? Whatever actions, thoughts, feelings come from that space will be the thing that will create what it is that you want to create. 

This is not a space for therapy. If you are having significant anxiety or depression, I would encourage you to find a mental health professional for that. It can be done alongside therapy and counseling…but if this is a space for, what do I want to create? How do I want to show up? How can I tap into my intuition more? How can I expand more?

And if that feels good to you, if you feel called to do that work, then…reach out to me, email me, message me, and we can chat more about it or just sign up. We have already started, and you are more than welcome to join. We will be open all year long, and we will see you in there. 

 

Thanks for listening. If you'd like to help spread this work to the world, share this episode on social media and tag me – send it to a friend, or leave a quick rating and review below so more people can find me. If you'd like more guidance on your own parenting journey, reach out.