S08|08 - The Real Parenting Problem (What We Think We Need vs What We Actually Need)

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hi, I'm Crystal The Parenting Coach. Parenting is the thing that some of us just expected to know how to do. It's not like other areas of your life where you go to school and get taught, get on the job training, or have mentors to help you, but now you can get that help here.

I believe that your relationship with your children is one of the most important aspects of your life, and the best way that you can make a positive impact on the world and on the future. I've made parental relationships my life study; and I use life coaching tools, emotional wellness tools, and connection-based parenting to build amazing relationships between parents and their children.

If you want an even better relationship with your child, this podcast will help you. Take my Parenting Quiz, the link is in the show notes. Once we know what your parenting style is, we will send some tips tailored to you and a roadmap to help you get the most out of my podcast.

 

Welcome to today's podcast episode, The Real Parenting Problem (What We Think We Need vs What We Actually Need). 

I cannot wait to dig into this episode. If you listen to my podcast episode last week, you heard me talk about some shifts and changes that I'm making in my business; and as I started to think about those more and to just tap into my intuition a little bit more about what I wanted to do going forward, I realized that parenting will always intrinsically be woven into everything I do because parenting was the avenue that led me here. 

The reason that parenting was so blocked for me in how I wanted to parent and how I actually was as a parent was because of what we call re-parenting or self-mothering. It was the subconscious beliefs that were below the surface that I didn't understand. It was because I wasn't tuned into my intuition and because I wasn't tuned into myself and I wasn't confident in and trusting of me.

And as I learned and made those changes within my own relationship with myself in order to parent in the way that I wanted, that is what led me and guided me to intuition…and to feeling like I was more divinely guided and all of the changes that have happened. And so, parenting will always be woven into that. 

I am going to be talking specifically today about what I feel like the real parenting problem is that's blocking us from how we want to parent and how we actually parent…what we think the problem often is and what it really is. 

And I promise you that as you listen to this episode, maybe you come back to it over and over and over again, if you want to, I will give you what you need; I will give you the core structure, the core principles that you will need to make those changes on your own and to get that guidance that you need. And as you come back to this and as you continue to do this work over and over again, you will see those changes. 

But I am also going to offer to you that if you would like guidance from me in implementing them, if you would like a deeper experience with this work, Parent School is where you will find this. And my unique program, Parent School, I will be running it live for the last time. 

I will be recording it, and I will be putting it in a digital format so that it can be a self-paced program for future participants. I'm not sure if there will be a live component at all in the future; this is the last time that I plan on ever doing it live. So, if you've been listening to my podcast for a while, if you've been on the fence about working with me or if you've been wanting a little bit more parenting guidance, maybe you're new here, this is the last opportunity that I will be doing this program in this format. 

And I love the energy of coming live, of interacting, of getting your specific unique answers from me and guidance from me for what it is exactly that you're going through. So, if that calls to you, if you feel like that is what you need all of the information will be in the show notes and you can also email me, reach out to me at [email protected].

 

Okay, so this episode's going to be gold; take it, work with it, implement it, come back over and over again – continue to do this work, and see that those changes happen…whether or not you join us in Parent School, those changes can happen for you. 

 

My Story

So, first of all, I'm going to talk about what we think the parenting problem usually is. So, you might not resonate with thinking all of these things are a problem in your life depending on where you are in your journey.

But back when I first started, before I even started this work, when I was dealing with parenting issues with my kids – and by that, I mean I was dealing with some neurodiversity that we didn't know, some undiagnosed things. And it was difficult. The behaviors were difficult, the meltdowns were traumatic. 

If you've listened to any of my previous podcast episodes, you might have heard me talk about that; I share in detail about my story. And I hope that in sharing my story, you're able to find something for you in that as well. 

But even if my parenting story wasn't so drastic, I think that even if you're like, 'Well, parenting's going okay, but I still just don't feel like I'm able to really authentically all the way show up in the way that I want to,' this episode will still help you.

 

The real parenting problem that's blocking us from how we want to parent

So, back in the day, I'm going to say it was like 2016, 2017, I definitely felt like my kids were the problem. So, this is one of the things in which I-- what I thought that the problem was, actually what the problem was, but I for sure thought it was my child that was the problem. So, my child had really big meltdowns. They had a lot of just anger, frustration issues, these huge explosions. We would be lasting--

You know, the meltdowns would sometimes be multiple times a day and sometimes for hours every day. And I really thought it was them that needed to change. 

When you are in this mentality, if you feel this way at all…of like, it's my child that needs to change, it's my child that's the problem, like I was feeling…this is usually the path that you go down. You look at the behaviors that you don't want in them. You kind of over-amplify those almost in your mind because you're like focusing on them so much. You look at, how can I change these behaviors for them? 

So, maybe you go to consequences, maybe you go to rewards, maybe you go to different modalities of therapy. Maybe you research play therapy in your area or family therapy, or maybe you just put them in therapy. Maybe you look for courses for programs for books that teach you how to teach them how to change their behavior – so it's very them-focused. 

This could also go down the path of getting a diagnosis. This could also go down the path of medication. I feel very blessed in that when we did feel like it was the right time to get a diagnosis and to get a little bit more support in that area, that we landed on somebody that was lovely and amazing and was not-- never pushes medication on kids ever, and always tries to find a multitude of other things before they land on medication. And I think that that should be the way for everybody, but I don't think that always is the case. 

And so, for us, we were definitely, at that time, going down the path of diagnosis and medication and therapy for them…and behavior issues with them, and let's figure out how to change them. 

Now, I'm not saying that you won't ever use therapy or ever use medication because that might be in your future and that might be supportive for you. But when we visualize it as my child is the problem, we're looking for answers to this…child problem, let's find a solution for the child. And that is never actually the problem; that is never it. 

When we go down that path, I know so many people – clients, friends all over the place – that I think this is the more common route to go. We spend a lot of time and money investing in issues for our kids and trying to solve these issues for them. It doesn't actually work out in the way that we think it's going to when they get older.

 

What our kids really need

And the reason that it doesn't work out is because what they really need – this is going into what we think the problem is versus what the problem really is – what they actually need versus, you know, they're the problem and behaviorism and meds and therapy and diagnosis and whatever is that we need to be a supportive home, a supportive place for them to be on their very worst days.

We need to co-regulate with them, not teach them how to box breathe, not teach them what color their emotions feel inside them, but actually co-regulate with them. We need to teach all of the things that we want in them through modeling because this is who they will become. 

In my example, when I shifted – and it took me a long-- it was a long shift from my child's the problem and they're the ones that need to be fixed and changed – to there's something internally that I can do to shift and change this…my response is a huge influence in their behavior right now. And, how can I changed that? 

It changed drastically. I'm saying that like this is on my own. This is with no coach, basically no therapy. I had one appointment, and she did really help shift and change things in that one appointment, for sure.

But over the course of a year, the meltdowns went down from like 10 out of 10 to like a one or two out of 10, as far as intensity. And we were going hours a day, meltdowns – usually more than one, but sometimes only one…but always for a few hours, to maybe one or two a month. 

And this is from like one January. This was like January, 2018, maybe…to January, 2019-- or 2017 to 2018. One year. It was drastic, and I did not do it because I thought that was going to help him; I really didn't.

I learned about attachment-based parenting, I learned about connection; and I thought that it might help. And there wasn't really anything else that I knew to do. So, I kind of used it as a last resort and was like, I'm just going to, you know, take this time to focus on me and my response.

 

And as I changed my response, I was blown away, even in the first month or two, by how different his response was. And over the year, looking back on it, I was completely blown away by the behavior change that happened. 

And there is no way that any amount of medication, therapy, diagnosis, behaviorist principles could have changed that in the same way. And not only that, it is more long-lasting. It is the change that we're actually seeking. 

Now, you might be thinking like, 'But my child isn't neurodiverse,' you can insert that with whatever the issues are that you feel like are behaviorally problematic right now, and however you hope to in the future see them be.

 

In parenting, our kids are never the problem – fix the parent first

Those changes happen so much more when we focus less on, they're the problem, let's try and teach them these skills and fix them…to what's happening with me and how can I model what I want to see for them.

 

So, over time, I've noticed that this is the biggest shift. The biggest shift is understanding that my child was never the problem. That my energy and my influence affects them in a huge way. And not to shame myself or feel even worse and do even worse because shame is just going to create more shame. But to understand that that's actually a beautiful thing, that actually means that I have way more influence than I think that I do often, and that I can use that influence. And we'll talk more about how to use that influence. 

But what we really, really need for our children in order to help them regulate their nervous system is to co-regulate with them…is to be the best place for them to be on their worst days, is to teach through modeling. That is how we'll get everything that we want from them in the end. That is how those changes will happen. 

Those behavior changes that you're looking for and that we're trying to like kind of micromanage right now will happen over time, but it happens over time in so much more of a slow build because it really is helping them feel safe, seen, secure, valued, validated. 

When their nervous system can be more calm, more of the time…and they can feel that safety and that presence from us, their brain will just emotionally develop on its own. It will go through the development that it needs in order to learn the skills that it needs over time. 

And we don't do it through trying to change them. And if you have done any re-parenting work – either at my retreats or in any of my programs or maybe on your own – you've probably noticed that whatever's come up for you…if you've done any Inner Child Healing, whatever's come up for you often comes back to your own the ways that your parents parented you. 

So, maybe I'm uncomfortable with emotions myself. Maybe I don't like it when other people have big emotions because I don't know how to handle it. Maybe I feel like I need to fix everybody around me so that they don't feel that way. Maybe I just jump right into fixing people and their feelings. Maybe I feel like I am more of a people-pleaser. Maybe I am really tied into perfectionism. Maybe I feel like I'm not emotionally regulated myself. All of those issues will come back to childhood because of this. 

In the years of zero to seven, that is when our self-concept was building…how we view ourselves, what we believe about ourselves. Our identity was built in those years. So, in those years we were at home with our parents; and they were modeling certain behaviors, and they responded to us in certain ways. We were also at school, at church, a community – all of those things had an impact on us. 

So, even if we had the most beautiful, amazing parents in the planet…we would still have experiences that impacted us from those times, from other arenas, even if it wasn't at home. But from what I've seen, mostly it comes up from the home. 

 

Journaling: Guiding parenting questions to ask yourself

So, the first issue is less focus on my child being the problem, and more focus on me. What is going on for me? How am I responding to this? Am I co-regulating with them? 

Am I being that calm presence in space with them? And if I'm not, why? And not why…isn't like an action-based way, like; why can't I do that? 

But like, what's really happening under the surface for me? Like curiosity for myself, what's really bothering me about this? Why do I really feel like there's such a block between how I want to parent and how I actually do parent? Those are great journaling prompt questions; and not journaling as in like, I'm going to pass this down to my kids and their kids…and like tell about my day. 

But like, in order to really be mindful about what's happening in our mind, journaling is a super effective tool. So, I would encourage you to journal on some of those questions. 

Now, fast-forward several years and this child is very confident; they are very-- they manage their own emotions much better. Everything with them is going so well. It doesn't mean that everything's perfect; there's always like things coming up that we're working through on and off. 

But in general, I would say just phenomenally better than I could have ever imagined in any future – not even just like for the age that they are. And then I had more children; I still had these kids, but they hadn't gone through this same kind of shift and these same kind of emotional, I guess, extremes as the other ones had. 

But as they started to go through that same thing, I immediately responded differently because I knew different things and I had done some of this work that we're going to talk about. And it was huge to see the shift in these next children because their responses in those really intense and heavy situations were different because of my responses being different…and our connection and our attachment has been so different throughout this whole thing because I show up in such a different way. 

And it's been really mind-blowing to see this – for me, this is such a stark difference, because entirely because of me. And again, my husband was not doing this work with me. He-- I would, every once in a while, kind of just share little clips and stuff with him. But for the most part, this was actually me-work. 

So, if you're like, 'Okay, but my partner's not on board'…or 'I don't have a partner, I can't do this,' or whatever, you actually can because it's just me. It's just going internal. It's just what is happening inside of me. And those shifts make the biggest difference. 

 

Emotional Regulation in Parenting works out for all kids

Okay, so another question that I feel like people often have, or like another block that they have is that they feel like, this doesn't work for my kids – either, my kids are neurodiverse so it doesn't work for them because they need to be parented in a different way…or my parent-- my children are maybe a little bit more neurotypical so I feel like structure works a lot better for them. 

And by structure, I mean very hard-line consequences because they understand logically why they're getting those. 

I saw this meme and it was like Travis Kelce and his coach and like it was happening over Super Bowl or whatever. I am totally not a Super Bowl football type person, but I saw-- somebody sent this to me and it was so funny. And it was like him screaming at his coach and something about his; like me trying to-- Oh, it was-- it was the coach. 

And the coach was like me trying to gentle parent and then like Travis Kelsey screaming at the coach and being like, my child, not gentle child. And I just thought that that was so true because we're like, 'Okay, yeah, well, I can parent if my like child would change.' Right? 

But then they move on to like, 'Well, how-- how do I parent in this way? I don't think it works for my kids.' My kids are too spicy, my kids are too highly sensitive, or my kids are too nervous or too shy, or – you can fill in a number of things that we feel about our children. 

But I promise you this does work for kids; this works for all the kids. And even if it works at different levels, like maybe you have a child who has a lot more significant delays – or maybe you have a child who's like super neurotypical, maybe even like more ahead or whatever of the game developmentally…it will work for all of them. 

It doesn't-- Working doesn't mean that it's going to turn out exactly like somebody else's family. But I will tell you in a little bit what I think working means, and it will work for you. So, yes, this works for everyone. 

The real answer is I want you to think about you as an adult. So, I want you to think about how…if your parents had sat down with you and maybe they didn't even sit down and have this conversation with you, but maybe they used some pretty strict consequences or some pretty strict rewards or bribes – or maybe you were yelled at or shamed a lot. 

Now as an adult, maybe you've noticed it's hard for me to regulate my emotions, like truly authentically regulate them. Not just like be calm and not respond in the way that I don't want to, but like inside internally, what's happening with me.

Or maybe you've noticed that you really tie your self-worth to what you do. Like as long as I get all these things done, then I can feel good about myself…as long as I'm getting straight A's, I can feel good about myself…as long as I'm eating healthy and exercising every day, then I can feel good about myself. And if I don't, then I really shame myself, then I really feel bad about myself. 

That's because we're connecting these things, right? This behaviorist way of parenting of I want this behavior to change, so now I'm going to reward punishment, whatever, these external factors to teach this internal thing. Over time, we're collecting these subconscious beliefs about ourselves. 

And some of those beliefs are things like tying our self-worth to what we do and what we don't do if we're "good" or "bad", right? I can feel good about myself if I'm doing good, if I am a good person in that moment. Also, we need those outside forces in order to choose good. So, if we're left alone to our own devices, then maybe I just don't even know how to manage myself at all. 

We need accountability and extrinsic work rewards, maybe even as an adult versus living in a space where we can flow more through life with intuition and with being mindful and being compassionate for ourselves and for the people around us. 

And true emotional regulation where I can feel the extent of all of my feelings, both all the extremes of my feelings and bring myself back down to a place of calm and not just pretend that I am calm. 

I used to do this a lot where I'm like, 'Well, I am calm.' But our energy is what speaks. Our children know exactly what we feel, even if we do not say anything. You could still not be co-regulating with them, even if you're like, 'But I'm doing all the right things,' when your energy inside is not there…when your energy is still very upset, frustrated, judgmental, whatever that is inside of you. 

So, yes, this can work for all children; and the reason why it's so effective for them is because when they are adults, we want them to be confident and love themselves. We want them to move past just like self-esteem of like feeling good about themselves to like truly loving and knowing themselves – truly listening to themselves and their own answers and their own wisdom and their own body and being confident and comfortable with that. 

And this is just a very different mentality of what we want in the future for our kids. And if that is what we want for our kids in the future, then it starts now when they're a child.

 

It is never too late for you to change your relationship with your child

And also, I remember hearing somebody say this to me and it was really helpful for me is that; there is no too late. Like your child could literally be an adult; it is not too late for you to change your relationship with that child and for that child to be influenced by the energy of you changing things no matter your age. 

I have coached people all the way up into their 70s; and I truly believe, not that I wouldn't coach people older than that, but I usually don't ask them their age. So, I'm just saying seventies, probably-ish, might have been older. 

But I think that change no matter at what point we change – whether we're like super young parents or we've been parenting for a long time and we're maybe grandparenting or great grandparenting – making this energetic change inside of ourselves will have an energetic influence on the people around us. 

 

So, that second kind of block of like…this doesn't work for my kids, it does work for our kids; and it might-- working might look different. But in general, working to me looks like emotional intelligence as an adult…learning things like responsibility and emotional regulation and love and self-compassion for themselves and for others. And that is what I want for my children. And if that is what I want, then I'm going to have to parent in a pretty different way than the parenting modalities that have been passed down to us in the past. 

So, even if you feel like your child is not a perfect specimen for gentle child, it can still work for you. I don't love the term gentle parenting because it feels very like soft to me. Like you're just like, let your kids do whatever, and that's very passive.

So, that's why I usually use the term connection-based parenting because there is boundaries, and we are teaching and there is guidance, but the focus is on connection and the focus is on relationship and that is how they learn. 

 

The last block that I see often people talk about is that this doesn't work for me. So, you're like, 'Okay, yeah, I understand that it's not my kids that are the problem and I want to make some changes.' I understand that this works for everybody, even like the spiciest of kids. So, like, that's awesome, but then maybe you move to this, 'But this doesn't work for me because this is too hard for me…because I've tried over and over and over again and it doesn't work for me.' 

I promise you I have been there also. I'm like, I read the books, I met-- I even met the people of the writing of the books and it still was not working for me no matter how much time and effort that I put into it. And this is what I really want to focus on right now.

 

Reasons why connection-based parenting doesn't work for you

I think this is the most important part of this episode. There is a reason why it doesn't work for you. There is a reason, it does work; it's very impactful work. And if you feel like it's not working for you, there is a reason. And by not working for you, I mean…in your mind you already have an idea of like how you want to show up as a parent, but you struggle with that day-to-day and how to actually align that. 

So, alignment would look like how I want to be and how I actually show up being in alignment. And obviously not perfect because we're never going to be perfect, but my goal for me, myself and my clients is usually about 80% - like 70 to 80% of the time, I'm going to show up in alignment how I want to be and how I am. 

And the rest of the 20 to 30% of the time, I allow myself to repair and reconnect and show them through my mistakes that they'll make mistakes also…and that that is a part of a human existence. And I show them how to move through that as well. 

So, I believe that the whole 100% of it is amazing, even the mistakes that we make. But again, this isn't going to be perfectly aligned, but for the most part, I'm able to show up in the way that I want to as a parent, pretty much all of the time. 

Wherever you are on that spectrum of like, I never show up in the way that I want to or I'm mostly there, but I feel like there's a shift, I think this will help. 

What we need first-- The reason why this isn't working for us all the way is because what we really needed as a child is secure attachment. To learn more about this, I would go to my episode with the attachment nerd, Eli Harwood, at the very first episode of Season 8. You will love that episode. 

But secure attachment is feeling safe, feeling soothed, feeling comforted…feeling seen, heard, valued, validated when I was a child. And because of that attachment, I'm able to venture out…I'm able to feel confident, I'm able to regulate my emotions. Like all of that comes from having the secure attachment. 

And if you didn't have that secure attachment as a child, which almost none of us had-- Even if our parents did a great job, there was still so much happening societally back then. Like if you look at books and movies and media, just everything was very shame-based and very behavior-based. 

So, even if your parents did a really loving job, there's probably some attachment stuff going on there that you could work through. Maybe not as deep as much, but there will probably be stuff there as well. So, what we really needed was a secure attachment. 

And so, it's really hard to give ourself-- or to give our children something that we don't have ourselves, right? So, if we're like, 'Okay, I want them to feel safe and secure, I want them to feel heard by me, to be seen, to be valued, to be validated. I want to love them…I want them to just feel fully accepted for who they are with me.' 

Doesn't that sound beautiful and magical? Well, that is really possible. But if I didn't have that as a child, and if internally now I have this relationship with myself that isn't that now…like if my own inner child, if my own inner me is still really reeling with shame and behaviorism and extrinsic rewards and self-worth tied to productivity and people-pleasing and all of that, it's going to be really hard to give somebody else something that I don't have because it starts with us finding that secure attachment with ourselves…finding compassion and acceptance for ourselves is what propels that change. 

And if we don't take time to create that change internally, it will always feel like something's missing. It will always feel just a little bit inauthentic. It just-- Even if we kind of can mask it on the surface, we'll know deep down that it's really not there.

 

How Radical Honesty helps our parenting

I recently shared this post called Radical Honesty on Instagram, and it was a thought that came to me as I was hiking. And I just thought, one of the things that has really changed is that I'm very honest with myself. So, you might listen to this and you might be like, 'Yeah, no, I'm good.' Right? But I listen to that, I'm like, 'Okay, wait, where can I find that this is true for me? Is it-- Is there any truth in this or not?' 

And as I dig in, in a very brutally honest with myself way, I can see like, is there any threat of honesty or is there not? And there might not be. 

You might have done a lot of changes and done a lot of work and feel really good about that, but for me, when I tune in, I'm like, 'Yep, there's another layer here.' There's a little layer here of like, I'm not being totally honest with myself in how this is going. Like maybe there's just a little bit of, I'm not authentic in that.

For me, this looks like on the outside I look calm. Like anybody watching me would think I'm very calm with how I'm responding to my kids when they're like freaking out or my teenagers that are doing something that I'm totally not cool with…but like I kind of pretend like I am on the outside, but internally I'm like, 'I'm actually kind freaking out,' right? That's what I mean by Radical Honesty; like, what's really happening with me under the surface here?

And I feel like I was really good at kind of masking that, especially around other people until I realized that that's not actually helping anybody; that's not helping me or my kids. And I realized that my children are just amazingly in tune with emotion and energy, and I do not have to ever tell them what I'm thinking or feeling because they can feel the energy from me. 

And that can be both a lovely thing and a really difficult thing because we're around each other all the time, especially right now as we're traveling full-time; and we're constantly around each other, and they know my energy. They can tell when I'm frustrated. They can tell when I'm angry, even if I do not say anything to them. 

Our energy matters so much. Parenting is this transference of energy. It's, how is my energy? Is my energy telling them that they're safe, that I'm a safe person for them? Is my energy telling them that I accept them wholly and completely as themselves? 

And, can you imagine how difficult this would be to give somebody else if I don't feel that way about myself? I feel like it's so much harder to give it to somebody else. I don't even know if it's possible, maybe it is possible. 

And if you're like, 'I've done it,' that's awesome. It hasn't been possible for me, and I haven't known anybody that's been able to get there without also doing this work internally as well.

 

How digging into our intuition and inner healing helps our parenting

Okay, so, that's kind of the last block that I see is that this work doesn't work for me; like I've tried it and it's not working for me. That is what the block is. The block is digging into my own intuition, digging into my own inner healing. 

I don't love using the word healing just because healing means like there's something broken and let's fix it. And for me, healing isn't, there's something broken and let's fix it; it's remembering that there wasn't anything broken in the first place, and that I can love and accept myself even with all my mistakes and even with all of the failures and even with all the thing-- all the emotions that I have that I can accept all of that fully. 

But I'm going to use the term healing because that's just like what everybody resonates with is healing. And when we dig into our own healing, that is what heals the world; that is what heals our families. It heals us. It heals families. It heals the world. It heals our communities. It heals-- heals our church communities. It heals our workspace. All of that happens internally from me choosing to turn inwards and heal myself first. And that healing work is work that we can all do. 

The change isn't with them; it's not with our kids. It's not in learning new ways to parent. It's not putting them in the newest form of therapy or figuring out all the ways that they should change their behavior, and creating really creative rewards or consequences for them. It is in turning inwards and healing us, and seeing the ripple effect that changes in them; and that ripple effect is life-changing. 

And yes, maybe you still will need some other modalities eventually, but that is where we start. That is baseline first before we decide to go with something else. 

And if you're like, 'Well, my kids are already in therapy,' you're already doing all of these things, you're already diagnosed or whatever, that's fine…I'm not saying you can't diagnose your kids, but; what is happening for me? What responsibility am I taking for my influence in this relationship? And where can I kind of clean that up a little bit? Where can I heal that up a little bit? 

What I've seen in coaching through connection-based parenting is that children change, children change on a deep level. All the children change in the ways that we wanted to in the first place, but not through force and not overnight and not super quickly and not all the time…because they're human. 

So, it's not going to be something that just happens all the time. But those changes happen so much. It's been so significant to see the changes in my client's children as the changes happen in my clients. 

And I would just encourage you to come back and do this work and to notice like, what areas do I feel like maybe I'm blocked in…feeling like this can work for me? And in what areas can I further support myself to change? 

 

I'm going to use a little example. I've used this example in the past because it's such a good one, but you know kids that freak out in grocery stores? My kids also freak out in grocery stores; and so, my daughter was freaking out in a grocery store. And I want to share with you what was blocking me in that moment from being able to parent in the way that I wanted to. 

The first thing was thoughts and beliefs; our thoughts drive our feelings, our feelings fuel our actions. So, our thoughts are directly creating our actions; they're creating our entire reality. 

So, in that moment when my daughter's freaking out in the store, my first thoughts are like, why is she doing this? This is so embarrassing. She shouldn't do this. This is so annoying. I don't want to deal with this. We don't have time for this. All of those things. Those thoughts are creating a very specific type of energy – a really heavy energy, a really kind of blown out of proportion, heaviness, strong emotional energy because my thoughts are creating my feelings…my feelings are fueling my actions. 

And I am going to respond in a very different way than if I'm thinking thoughts like, oh, she's having a really hard time…oh, she must be really hungry, or she must be really worn out – we've been here for a long time, I wonder what she needs. Right? Those thoughts are going to create a very different energy inside my body.

So, one of the things that was blocking me from showing up in the way that I wanted to in parenting was my thoughts. But I'm going to go a layer deeper than that; it wasn't just my thoughts, it was also my triggers. 

So, underneath that, like; what about that was really triggering me? And below the surface, what was really triggering me was personalization. I'm making her behavior mean something about me; it must mean that I'm not a good mom, this must mean something about me, I shouldn't be responding in this way. Or, 'If she is doing this way, then I must have like taught her this somehow.' Like, it really wound back down to me. 

And you might not notice that on the surface, but I would just offer that the next time that you're triggered, ask yourself like, what's really going on behind the scenes here? What's really bothering me about this? Or, what am I making this mean about me? And that will dig up a whole lot of shame. 

 

How shame affects our parenting

So, another block is this idea of shame. And shame isn't something that we just like are able to get over. We're learning how to be shame resilient, how does shame feel in my body? What are the shame stories that come up for me and how can I move through them? So, shame is one of the things that blocks us. Our thoughts and beliefs are one of the things that block us. 

 

Tapping into our intuition helps our parenting

And another one is that we're not tapping into our intuition. We're not trusting our own answers. So, in that moment, I was blocking myself or my intuition because of the energy that I was feeling that was not indicative of intuition flowing in and creative solutions flowing in. I was not trusting myself, I was not feeling confident at all in my parenting. 

And that was also blocking me from being able to show up in the way that I really wanted to in the moment. So, all of this is happening in my head, but all I see on the outside surface is like, 'Well, I really want to show up like this as a parent, and I'm not showing up like this in the moment at all.' 

Like yeah, but look at everything going under the surface, right? There's shames and triggers, there's my thoughts and my beliefs. There's like the subconscious thoughts and beliefs. There's my own ability to regulate myself emotionally because if I was not modeled that as a child and I didn't have co-regulation as a child, I might have a really difficult time with emotional regulation on my own now as well. 

There's intuition and feeling confident and trusting my own answers and knowing how to even tap into that and believing myself…all of that was under the surface of this like, why I'm not able to show up in that moment in the way that I wanted to.

 

Parent School

That is the work, that is the work that we do in Parent School. We have a module all about shame and subconscious beliefs and triggers. We have a module all about regulation, emotional regulation – true regulation, not just on the surface regulation, like; what's really happening for me?

We have a module all about thoughts and beliefs, and how they're driving our actions, and how we can become more aware of what those thoughts are and learn to shift them at a deeper, more root level. We have a module all about intuition and trusting our own answers. We also have coaching calls to help us integrate all of this and to ask questions and to get guidance on our unique situation. 

 

Why connection-based parenting works

Why connection-based parenting works; it works because when we have a secure attachment with us, right? If I'm able to process through all of that stuff that's happening with me at Costco in that moment, the next time I go, I'm going to feel less triggered. And even if I am triggered, I'm going to know how to move through that trigger. I'm going to understand what's happening with me logically at the thought level, what's happening with me at a more subconscious level, what's happening with me with my emotions, and I'll know how to process through that. And then to be able to respond more fully in a more connection-based parenting way. 

What I found is so interesting is that no matter who I have coached in the past, no matter if they don't know anything about connection-based parenting, when they're able to do this process of shifting from whatever this energetic space is that we're feeling – you know, negative and frustrated and shame and whatever, this more clean space of compassion and love and groundedness and acceptance – that they have, all of the textbook answers from the textbooks on parenting-- on mindful parenting, conscious parenting, all of that, even though they might not have even known that is like inside of them. 

I truly believe that wisdom is inside of each one of us. I have coached hundreds and hundreds of clients; and I believe this about every single one of them, that the answers are already underneath the surface. They're already there, they're already inside of us. It's just working through these blocks that we have so that we can more easily and simply access them for us. 

 

What is important to me for my kids is this; I want them to be emotionally intelligent…I want them to have a secure attachment with themselves, I want them to listen to themselves, I want them to know how to listen to their intuition and tap into that and grow from that and live their life from that space, I want them to know what it feels like to truly belong to themselves so they can find true belonging in relationships with others and have really healthy relationships with the people around them. 

And I truly believe that the best space to create this from is connection-based parenting, maybe the only space. If you didn't have that as a child, this is the work for us to do. It's the work that we do on ourselves. 

So, Parent School is much less about how should I parent and much more about; let's parent me for a while, let's figure out what's happening inside of me and then let's see this parenting naturally flow from that space without me having to work so much at getting there and to tune into my own answers…trust my own answers for me as well. 

Dr. Gordon Neufeld said, "Kids learn best when they like their teacher and when they think their teacher likes them." And that's kind of our goal. Parenting is teaching…teaching is parenting right? And we're trying to get to the space where they can truly learn from us, they can truly see this behavior that we want, we can model the behavior that we want for them and they will take that on. 

I have some really, I would say tragic stories in my life of knowing people that never learned these emotional skills…never had this kind of relationship with themselves, never ever were able to regulate themselves emotionally – even though on the outside they were what the world called successful. 

They made money, they had relationships…they had wealth and houses and cars and all of the things, but they never truly felt this deep relationship with themselves; and it did not end well, and it never does when we are focusing on what we think the world's version of success is. 

My version of success is very different now, that is not what I want for my kids. I don't want them just to be wealthy and to have amazing cars and amazing houses and a lot of friends and popularity and a lot of likes on social media; I want them to have true belonging within themselves. And I know that it starts first with me, and this is what I teach in Parent School. 

It will honestly feel like magic. The changes that happen will be significant. Parenting will feel much more simple. It will feel like it flows from you way more naturally – not all of the time, but a lot of the time. You'll feel a lot more confident in your parenting, and you'll feel a lot more confident in yourself as well. 

You can go listen to some episodes that I have in the past where I actually interview some of my clients and how they felt confidence in all these other areas of their life as well. Like things changed not just in parenting but in other areas as well. And this will be the same for you. 

But there is an addendum here; it won't be easy, the work won't be easy. And also, parenting will still be hard. Parenting will still have tough days…no matter what, parenting is going to have tough days; we're going to be thrown curve balls. 

But the amazing thing is that we will know exactly what to do to deal with the tough instead of being thrown in this tough situation where we're like, 'I have no idea what to do.'

We'll be like, 'Okay, wait a second, I know what to do here. I know how to access my own wisdom and my own answers, my own creative solutions…I know the steps that I need to go through myself to get myself to that place so that I can--' 

You might be worried that this work won't work for you. If you are and you're feeling called to this, and you are emotionally and mentally in a pretty good space right now, I promise you…coaching has been the most effective of all of the things that I've done, in the shortest amount of time than anything else.

If you are in that right space where emotionally and mentally things are going pretty good and you are feeling called to it – intuitively feeling called to it – then it is the right thing at the right time for you and you will get those changes probably way more than you could imagine in the beginning.

 

And another question that I often get is, will it work for me if I don't do all of the work or if I don't do show up on the calls? Yes, you can do this work on your own and you can just listen to this podcast episode over and over again and work through all of the things that I've talked about through all of these principles, over and over again on your own. 

But if you would like guidance and implementation from me and you're wondering, will it work for me if I can't make it to all of the calls? I've had significant-- seen significant results with clients just listening to the calls on their own afterwards – literally never coming to any call live and still getting the shifts and changes. So, yes, it can, for sure, happen. 

If you want it to be like amplified, I would try to come as much to the live calls as you can – or emailing in questions or coaching that you have so that you can get the responses there. 

And secondly, just doing the work as well. Like I will give you opportunities for growth and just know all of the changes will happen even if you don't do the work. But if you want to just really add something to it, there'll be a lot of opportunities for growth throughout the week as well. You get to choose your level of involvement; changes can happen on lots of different levels. And we'll be there to support you and to answer your questions every step of the way. 

I have some really fun add-ons this time. I'm doing it at the lowest cost that I've ever done before because I want to. This is the last time I'm doing it and I'm just so excited, so jazzed to do it like this. And so, there's going to be some fun add-ons where if you want maybe some private Voxer coaching one-on-one, you can add that on.

Maybe you want to join a Voxer group, which is a walkie-talkie app where you can get coaching throughout the week as we go through this; I think that'll be a really great experience for you if you want to add that on. You can also add on your partner for a very small fee. They can come as well so that they can come to all of the calls. They can get coached on the coaching calls. 

There's going to be six module calls. There'll be about two hours in length, and there's going to be two coaching calls. And I expect that those will be anywhere from an hour to two hours. But I will stay on for as long as people want to stay on for coaching. So, altogether there's going to be eight weeks. And we are--  

I'm going to have it open for enrollment all of March, throughout the whole month. And we will get started in April. By the time this episode is aired, you will be able to go to the link, which is going to be coachcrystal.ca/group. And if you scroll down to the bottom under the little FAQ section, it will say like, when are the calls? And it will say exactly when those call dates and times will be. 

 

Okay, that's everything I want to say about Parent School. I hope that you join us, and I hope that you join us if you feel called to join us. I feel like trusting yourself and trusting your own answers, this is like such a great step to tune into; is this for me or is this not? And then just trusting that answer, right? Maybe it's not, and that's okay too. Maybe it is, and that's amazing. 

And we welcome you into this group; and you will get those changes that you desire, whether or not you feel like it's big changes you're looking for or small shifts you're looking for – or if you just want a little bit of a deeper learning parenting experience, I think it's all there for you here.

So, come join us in this last live group of Parent School; I cannot wait to get started, I think it is going to be just a really magical experience for all of us. This episode went way longer than I was planning. 

Usually, I just try to stick to the, you know, shorter 20-to-30-minute episodes. But I just had a lot to say and I really hope that you can share this with others and share this work with others. And even if you just feel called to, just listen to this podcast episode again – to do this work again and again on yourself, you will get there. Those changes will happen. 

I did all of these changes on my own without coaching, without mindfulness, without knowing anything about intuition, with just introspection, with just noticing, 'Okay, what's happening in my body? What are my-- what is my reaction right now? Is my reaction helpful?' 

If not, like, let me just walk away. And over time, that made huge shifts as well. So, just allow yourself to be where you are in your journey. Wherever you are in your journey is where you need to be. And allow yourself to believe and trust in your own answers to whatever the next step is for you. Or if it's like a moment of pause, if you're in a season of, 'No, I'm just pausing right now…I'm just listening, I'm just tuning into me as my own wise mentor.' 

And we honor whatever season, whatever stage you are in. And if you are in the stage of looking for more guidance and implementation and support in this area, I think you'll know. I think you'll know even by the end of this call. 

I remember when I first certified through The Life Coach School, I watched one little five-minute video clip and I had knew nothing about The Life Coach School…I didn't know anything about life coaching, hardly at all. And I watched this little video clip and something inside of me knew it was a yes. I felt it in my bones that it was a yes. 

Immediately after, I felt a lot of fear because it was like an $18,000 US program and we were living in my parents'-- my in-laws' basement and my husband had just finished grad school. So, logically the timing was not there, but intuitively I just knew as soon as I saw it. And so, just allow yourself to have that knowing also. 

Maybe the knowing comes to you as you sleep tonight. Maybe it comes to you throughout the week as you just kind of tune and listen. Maybe it already came to you as you listen to this podcast episode, but trust that answer – either the no answer for you or the yes answer for you, or just something else…there's something else for me right now. 

Trust that you know best because I trust that for you, and I really believe that this work is life-changing and magical and amazing. Wherever you decide to get the support, it will change your life. 

Thank you for being here. Thank you for being on my podcast and for listening. And for those of you that have shared or sent it to your friends or put a little review or whatever you do on your platform, that all helps. I feel it all coming from you, and I am so grateful for that as well. This little corner of the internet that we have together is really special, and I will see you next week.

 

Thanks for listening. If you'd like to help spread this work to the world, share this episode on social media and tag me – send it to a friend, or leave a quick rating and review below so more people can find me. If you'd like more guidance on your own parenting journey, reach out.