S08|09 - Support for Your Parenting Journey

If you’re looking for support in helping you show up as the parent you’ve always dreamed of- this episode is for you. Originally aired on the True You Series Summit with Kasia Bradford, I am bringing you this interview where I get asked all the parenting questions you probably have wondered yourself. Tune into this unique conversation, and join the last round of Parent School live HERE.

In this interview: 

• you’ll hear my past story in a nutshell and what drove me to become a coach in the first place
• what re-parenting is and how why we can be blocked from productive and compassionate parenting 
• shame, guilt, and failure- how it’s all entwined and what to do about it 
• what to do during meltdowns, tantrums, and big emotions (in teens, in toddlers and in us) 
• We dig into the question “is it okay for our kids to see our big emotions (anger, tears and sadness)”? 
• Why we seek external validation for our own enough-ness, and how to fill ourselves first, to help our parenting 
• Support for you and your kids big feelings can be found by downloading the feelings wheel HERE.

Whether you struggle with teens, big emotions, managing screen-time, curbing your yelling or reactions, sibling rivalry, supporting neurodiversity, or anything else that comes in parenting- YOU are your own parenting expert. 

Together we will uncover anything blocking you from your unique path- your journey in parenting and in life. Join me in Parent School. Discover your own unique path, with confidence… raising emotionally intelligent children that leave your home knowing that you truly, deeply care for them… that you always have, and you always will. Isn’t that we all want deep down? That is my goal for me, and for you… and for the future generation for children we are raising. To be seen. To be heard. To be valued. To feel loved. To feel supported. To feel known. To welcome them to be themselves- fully and completely. That is The Work. I am here for it. Welcome. 

Join me for the LAST LIVE round of Parent School:

• shame resiliency: how to feel shame and move through it, what triggers us and why, and how to move through heaviness and use it for growth. 
• emotional regulation: what co-regulation is and how to support our children from our energy- not our words (not scripts and mantras, this work is much deeper than that), how to support ourselves and our kids through big emotions.
• the power of our thoughts and beliefs: how to separate who we are from what we think, how to create the exact relationship we want through the power of our mind 
• connection-based parenting: why it’s the way of the future, how to parent in a relationship-first manner, developing deep and lasting connections that last a lifetime.
• 6 modules covering all these topics, and more. 2 group coaching calls to get support in your individual family situations. (add-on available for your partner to join). 

Find all the information HERE.
Contact me via email: [email protected]
Audio/text message me on Voxer HERE.

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hi, I'm Crystal The Parenting Coach. Parenting is the thing that some of us just expected to know how to do. It's not like other areas of your life where you go to school and get taught, get on the job training, or have mentors to help you, but now you can get that help here.

I believe that your relationship with your children is one of the most important aspects of your life, and the best way that you can make a positive impact on the world and on the future. I've made parental relationships my life study; and I use life coaching tools, emotional wellness tools, and connection-based parenting to build amazing relationships between parents and their children.

If you want an even better relationship with your child, this podcast will help you. Take my Parenting Quiz, the link is in the show notes. Once we know what your parenting style is, we will send some tips tailored to you and a roadmap to help you get the most out of my podcast.

 

Before we dig into today's episode, I want to remind you that Parent School is open now. We start next month, and this will be the last round that I'm doing live. 

Whether you struggle with teens, big emotions, managing screen time, curbing your yelling or reactions, sibling rivalry, supporting neurodiversity, or anything else that comes with parenting, you are your own parenting expert; come join Parent School; and remember, together we will uncover anything that's blocking you from your unique path.

You'll discover confidence. You'll be able to raise emotionally intelligent children that leave your home knowing that you truly, deeply care for them – that you always have, and that you always will – isn't that what we all want deep down? That is my goal for me and for you and for the future generation of children that we are raising – to be seen, to be heard, to be valued, to feel loved, to feel supported, to feel known, to welcome them to be themselves fully and completely; that is the work, and I am here for it…welcome. 

In the last live round of Parent School, we will be teaching shame resiliency – how to move through shame, how to feel it, what triggers us, and why – emotional regulation…what co-regulation is, and how we can support our children from our energy and less from our words. 

We'll be learning about the power of our thoughts and beliefs, and how to separate who we are from what we think, and how to change some of the beliefs that we've had for a long time. 

We'll be learning about how to use connection in parenting, which is the way of the future – relationship first, which develops deep and lasting connections that last a lifetime. 

We are going to cover six modules covering these topics and more. We'll also going to be having two live group coaching calls. You can find all of the information at coachcrystal.ca/group. Do not miss out. 

 

Alright. Welcome to today's podcast episode, Dads, Big Emotions, and Inner Healing with Michael Anderson.

On this week's episode, you'll hear Michael's work with parents and families and what the real struggle in parenting is, how we have so much wisdom inside of ourselves and so much parenting power that we can reclaim as we do our own inner work, how repair is the goal – not perfection, and why – how men are often raised with this show no emotion mentality, that that is more strong for some reason, and where we can get started with changing that. 

 

What Michael Anderson does and how he got started

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Hello everybody. Welcome to the Parenting Coach podcast. I am excited to bring you my friend Michael Anderson. I'm mostly excited because I just interview so rarely males, especially males in the parenting space. You might be the first person that I've interviewed that's male in the parenting space. So, welcome to my podcast, and thanks for being here.

 

Michael Anderson: Yeah, so cool. Thanks for having me on, Crystal. I'm really excited.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: So, I met Michael through LinkedIn. I am like very rarely on LinkedIn, so I'm surprised this even happened, but somehow LinkedIn just knows exactly what to feed you on your algorithm. 

 

Michael Anderson: Yeah. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: And so, I found Michael; and I started seeing his posts and I'm like, 'Wait a second, this is so aligned with everything I teach and talk about.' So, I was super excited to have you on. 

So, why don't you just start by telling us a little bit about what you do, and also kind of why you even decided to go this way with your life, I guess.

 

Michael Anderson: Sure, yeah. So, I'm a Marriage and Family Therapist. I just recently started a coaching business focused mostly on parents, and it's been a really, really fun ride. 

As far as like how I got into it, I tell people it kind of accidentally happened. I really didn't know anything about therapy; I didn't know, really know what therapist did. I was working at a job, really great company, really great career. It was really-- It was awesome, except I just didn't feel like it was the right fit for me. Like, it was awesome, but I just didn't feel like it was where I was supposed to be. 

And my wife was studying Family Studies at college; she was in her undergrad, and she was like telling me all things she was learning about marriage and parenting and family. 

And I'm like, 'This seems really cool, what if I just became a Marriage and Family Therapist?' 

And so, I decided to just give it a try, but I really didn't know anything about it. I remember I was in between classes, one of like a first week of school, in between classes, I just kind of leaned over to one of my cohort members; and I was like, "So, real quick, can you just tell me what a therapist does?" True story. And she looked at me like I was just bonkers. 

She's like, 'How did you get-- how are you here? Like, what is going on? They let you in?' 

But I really, really loved it. To make a long story short, I think as I learned more and more about attachment science…as I learned more and more about trauma, and trauma healing and the effect of trauma…I was like working with parents, and it just seemed like 80% of the issues they were dealing with--  

They'd come to me with like these issues of like, how do I get my kid to stop doing this or start doing this, or I'm having this issue with my kids. It just-- I just found that about 80% of the time, the real issue was them needing to go inside and do their own inner work…learning how to heal, what needs healing inside of them, and then they were able to just show up completely differently for their kids. 

And it was like really fascinating to see and empowering because then I was like, 'Oh my goodness, there's so much more power available to us as parents.' Nothing makes you feel like you're as hopeless and powerless and depleted as parenting, right?

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes.

 

Michael Anderson: And I think when you realize that-- I really firmly believe this, like 80% of parenting is learning how to go inside and do your own inner work, which is so empowering.

 

Michael's work with parents and families, and what the “real” struggle in parenting is

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I was going to say, isn't it 100%? Is there a 20% that's not that? 

 

Michael Anderson: I mean, I always--  Yeah. I mean, this is not a statistic, right? This is just me like making up stuff. But I mean, the only reason why I don't say 100 is to a certain extent, like we're potty-training our kid and I just needed to-- I just needed someone to tell me how to potty train, you know what I'm saying?

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Right. 

 

Michael Anderson: Like, there are some skills that you're just like, 'Here, here's the best way to do it.' Yeah. But what I-- But to your point, what I noticed is…I would talk to people, like with couples or with parents, and they'd tell me about all their skills they had learned and communication and parenting…and they'd say over and over again, all those skills go out the window when you're emotionally dysregulated. You know? And so, I think when you focus on the 80%, do your own work…it becomes so much easier to actually do the other 20%, if that makes sense.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. And I think so much of the time, you don't even need to be taught the 20% or the 100%, right? When you've done your own inner work, it comes so much more naturally. 

Michael Anderson: Totally. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Like I found that even like in couples communication, for instance, there's all these ways you can learn to communicate and like actively listen and like make sure that the other person's seeing…and hearing and whatever. 

But like when my girlfriend calls me up and she's had a bad day, I don't have to be like, 'Oh wait, what was that script about? Like how I was supposed to feel connected? And like, how am I supposed to communicate?' Right?

 

Michael Anderson: Yes.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: If I am feeling really chill and calm inside and connected to her and I love her and we have a great relationship, it's going to come naturally to me; I don't have to figure out how to pause and how to actively listen. 

 

Michael Anderson: Yes. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: And so, I agree with you. I think the work is the inner work, and that then everything else just comes naturally. And like you said, if there are those like mechanics of like, 'Okay, I actually do need to learn a little skill here,' it's very minimal compared to the rest of the work.

 

Michael Anderson: It's very minimal. And you're more willing to navigate the uncertainty when you don't have those skills, when you've done your own inner work. Right? It doesn't feel as scary, it doesn't feel as disorienting. You're just more able to roll with the uncertainty. 

And I think that's largely what parenting is, right? Parenting's not about having everything neat and tidy; it's actually about learning how to ride the waves of uncertainty and the unknown in a really calm, regulated balance. And maybe calm is not the right word, but like balanced, regulated, from a really balanced place.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. Because we're not going to be calm all the time, but I, when I think of 'balance', I think of like…we do feel the ups and we do feel the downs, but we know how to kind of get back to this center space also.

 

Michael Anderson: Exactly. Yes.

 

How we have SO much wisdom inside of ourselves, and parenting power, that we can reclaim as we do our Inner Work

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I love all of this. I love that you talk about attachment and connection. And I feel like I've kind of come to the same conclusion where I used to really struggle with attachment-based parenting. 

I was like, 'I love this modality of parenting…I want to be more relationship focused, more connection focused,' but I never could figure out how to implement it. And when I started learning more of these tools we teach about in life coaching, which is a little bit more about regulating my emotions or my mindset or all of those things, I found that it came so much more simply. 

And I used to spend all my time reading books and listening to podcasts about parenting, but also feeling like I could implement it like zero-and-a-half percent out of the time-- like out of the time.

 

Michael Anderson: Yeah.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: And now, I don't ever read parenting books. Like I'm sure there's good parenting books out there, which like, you can still read parenting books if you want…but I feel like there was so much wisdom inside of me when I did that healing that I was like, 'Oh, I actually have really creative solutions for my children in our unique situation that I can tap into when I am feeling a little bit more regulated.'

 

Michael Anderson: Yeah. I think we absolutely underestimate the amount of wisdom and creativity that's inside of us. I often think-- And I'll talk to people about, you know, I think there are-- There are so many great parenting books out there and resources. I think we also have to be careful as parents not to fall into a trap of using books and resources as a way to ignore the fact that-- to ignore our own inner work, if that makes sense. Right?

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. 

 

Michael Anderson: Like, I'm reading all these books.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. I usually recommend that people stop reading parenting books for at least a while. Like, we can come back at the end after we've done our inner work, and if they want to read a book, had to have it be more of an inner workbook; one that really helps with like our own inner healing. And I have a hard time kind of explaining that to people. 

Like, they're like, 'Well, what really is inner healing?' 

And for me it is like, what triggered me about this in the first place? Like, why am I feeling so dysregulated by what just happened in my life right now? Like, what's coming up for me? And like, how can I heal those parts of me? And all of that. 

 

Michael Anderson: Yeah. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I would love to know what you've seen either in your own parenting, what feels triggering for you and your parenting – or for your clients, like just struggles that seem to come up over and over and over again. Like, what are those things that you're seeing right now in the parenting sphere?

 

Michael Anderson: Yeah. Yeah. So, a few-- This one's, hopefully it's not too broad…but something that I feel a lot going, kind of staying with this theme of inner work, is there's this idea of intergenerational trauma, where trauma is passed down from generation to generation. 

One area I see that a lot is there's like this idea in society that there are really good emotions to feel and there are really bad emotions to feel… and so, let's feel really good things. And if you're feeling bad things, then that is bad; let's not feel those things. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah, something's wrong with you. Yeah. 

 

Michael Anderson: Yeah. Let's figure out how to not feel those as much as possible. I think one of the number one things that I had to work on with myself, I'll share a little personal story here in a sec…but just with clients, is them learning, us learning how to be way more open with emotions. And to get really curious about why big emotions in your kids bring up big emotions in you. And getting really curious about--  

 

How men are often raised with a “show no emotion” mentality, and where we can get started with changing that

Michael Anderson: So as an example, personal story, my wife-- Now we can kind of laugh about it because I've done a lot of work on this and we're a lot better. 

But when we first got married-- Well, when we first started having kids, I was like, under-- I really would get insecure when my oldest, when my son would like either cry or would fall or fail or something like that, right? Like, if he showed what I considered like a weakness, and I'd get really cold towards him – and not really cold. Like, I don't want anyone to think I was like a major jerk towards my kid, but I would get kind of cold and kind of had the, you know, hey, pick yourself back up. Like, no sympathy. Like, 'Come on! Don't be a wimp!' Right? 

And I realized that as I was kind learning more and more about parenting and everything kind of going on this journey…I was realizing that like 100% of that was my own insecurity with being weak, me not wanting to be perceived as weak. Right? And my own insecurity with emotion; crying is bad, crying makes you weak. That's a simple example of just, that had nothing to do with my son; that had everything to do with me and learning how to manage and become way more curious about my big emotions when I saw my son's big emotions.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: 100%. We homeschool and part of our homeschooling is like reading a lot of books, and we love reading books that are like older, kind of more classical books. So, we read a lot of books from even like the 1800s, 1900s. And it's interesting to see even like in the late 1900s, early 2000s, the mentality was still very much like men are weak if they show any emotion that's not anger. 

 

Michael Anderson: Yeah. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: It's not okay-- you know, children should be seen and not heard, children should be quiet. There was definitely a mentality of like women, especially girls, when they feel strong emotions just faint. 

Like, that happens in so many of the books that I read my kids, which has been so interesting because we can pause and be like, 'Okay, has this ever actually happened? Where do you-- Why do you think they're saying this? Where does it come from? What do we actually believe about feelings?' 

My kids are always like, 'Mom, we know, we know, we know the answer. Can you just finish the story?' 

Like, 'I do not want you thinking that it is okay.' You know? Especially this idea of like, men don't cry and men being weak if they show big emotions. And I really got that mentality. I had four brothers and my parents; and I definitely-- Somehow along the line, I don't know if it was for family culture, it could have been from school, whatever…it was like, emotions are weak. 

And so, because I didn't want to be weak, I really pushed down the emotional side of me and went more to that masculine energy side of like, 'Oh, I'm just going to like structure power,' whatever. And the most interesting difference since I've started life coaching, because we're always our own first client, right? We like use these things on ourselves. …has been that I cry all the time. Like, I cry when I'm happy. I cry--  

Like, before we recorded this podcast episode, I was sharing an experience that happened in Vietnam with Michael. And I'm like crying, retelling the story because I'm like, I was so emotional about it. 

 

Michael Anderson: Yeah. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: And that happens to me so much. And that is, for sure, the number one difference that I've noticed is that I'm so much more open to feeling my feelings and being with big emotions.

 

Michael Anderson: Yeah, totally. You know, it's funny-- I will say, I think something is literally wrong with my tear ducts. Like, I just don't cry; like I'm not a crier, but I do think-- I'm trying to figure out where, where was I going with that? Oh, where was I going with this is…I think whatever it is. Right? 

Like, if it's, some parents have big reactions to seeing their kids feeling sad. Some parents have big reactions to their kids crying, right? Some kids have-- Some parents have bigger reactions to their kids getting angry and throwing tantrums. And I've just seen, I think over and over again, both me with myself, you're exactly right; we're our own first client. 

But also, with other clients is as they get really curious about that, they do pick up these themes of like, 'Oh, these were emotions that were shut down in me growing up when I was a kid…I was never allowed to be angry.' Right? 

Or I was never allowed to cry and be weak, right? Or I was never allowed to be sad…if I was sad, my parents didn't know how to handle me. They wanted to make-- They wanted to cheer me up right away, or they wanted me to stop thinking about it or dismiss me. Right? 

And so, I think that-- I think that is big. I think that's a big, big theme that's so important for all parents everywhere, is getting really curious about that.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: And it's interesting because it's not just in parenting, right? Like if that's how your big emotions were responded to, like…let's mask them, let's cover them up, let's pretend they're not there, let's like go distract you to do something else – of course, you do that now with your big emotions. Right? 

 

Michael Anderson: Right. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: So, like all of-- I think so much of what we deal with that we don't want anymore, like unwanted pornography use, overspending, overdrinking, overeating, scrolling social media for hours, watching way too much tv, all of those things I feel come down to exactly what you just said…like, what am I feeling? How were emotions responded to when I was younger? So, how am I-- how am I responding to them now? And how can I be more willing to experience the full spectrum of feelings in a healthy way instead of just trying to avoid them and go to something else?

 

Michael Anderson: Yes. I think it's-- I think it's also worth mentioning too, as we're talking about this, one thing I don't want to is to paint the impression that like…parent, okay, if you do your inner work and you're open to all emotions, now you're just completely just like Zen calm, everything

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: You're Zen and calm all day Yeah.

 

How repair is the goal, not perfection (and why)

Michael Anderson: All day. Because no emotions affect you anymore, which is so not the case. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah.

 

Michael Anderson: I think sometimes really effective parenting is being really calm and listening and being open to your kid in the moment. And sometimes I think really effective parenting is picking your kid up and saying, "Sorry, dude, we got to get in your car seat," and carrying him to the car. Right? And buckle them in. 

And so, I don't think-- Just to make that clear, I don't think to do your own inner work and to heal what needs healing means that, all of a sudden, now you're no longer a human and you just have to stay in this really Zen state all the time. Like I said earlier, I think parenting is all about learning how to ride these waves of emotion and learning how to repair when things don't go well and learning how to be--

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Which they won't go well, right? Like if you're listening to this, like we both parent-coach literally for a living and we're using examples from our own life of when we did not respond very well because we're still human. And so, there's no amount of healing where you're going to heal yourself out of the human experience.

 

Michael Anderson: Right. Yeah. That's really well-said. That's well-said. And luckily research shows that perfection is not required to help your kid develop a secure relationship with you. And in fact, it's the opposite. Research shows that repair is the key to developing a secure relationship with your child. 

Secure relationships aren't built on perfection and things never going wrong. Secure relationships are built on this idea of, 'I know that my dad or my mom will do everything they can to have my back. And when it goes wrong, I know they're going to come and they're going to repair with me. I just know they're going to do that.' You know?

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Parenting perfection, any level of perfectionism in your life is always going to be connected to shame. And shame just breeds more shame, right? So, if we're trying to attain perfection in parenting, we're actually going to be not only feeling shame ourselves, but also spreading shame because shame and perfectionism are like two sides of the same coin. 

 

Michael Anderson: Yes.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: So, when we can separate ourselves, I always tell people to go to good-enough-ism…I'm like, that's actually the goal, right? Like, how can we do like B-minus work here with-- And then like, so if you feel like you're at 10% right now…okay, let's lift you up to like 60 or 70% through your own inner work, which I believe we can get to, for sure. 

And then for the other 30 to 40% of the time, I think it's a beautiful gift to be able to repair because how many times did your parents come down and say like, "I did this thing wrong…it was totally on me, I should have not responded in that way. It had nothing to do with you. This is what I should have done instead. I'm sorry."

 

Michael Anderson: Yeah.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Right? Like, that is impactful.

 

Michael Anderson: I think it's so impactful. Like you can't understate-- Y can't overstate that. I think too, when I work-- I work mostly with adult clients, both my therapy and my coaching practice. And obviously, I've never once heard a client say, "Man, it really hurts me that my parents weren't perfect." 

But what I have heard them say multiple times is, "My parents never said sorry."

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Mm-Hmm. 

 

Michael Anderson: "My parents-- I can't remember the last time my parents said they love me." I really feel like perfection-- I love what you said, "Perfection and shame are different sides of the same coin". 

And I think it's powerful to remember that like, our kids don't even want perfection from us; that's not-- We hold ourselves that standard; that's not even the same standard that our kids hold us to, our kids just want to know that we love them.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: And that we're human, right? 

 

Michael Anderson: We're human.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: When make mistakes that they're like, 'Oh, you're a human person, you're not a robot being.' 

 

Michael Anderson: Yes.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: They won't be able to connect with us if we're perfect. They'll be like, who do you know at school who always seem-- like when you were younger, who always seemed perfect all the time? Like, could you feel like you could be yourself around them…that you could be authentic, that you could have like an intimate, authentic relationship with that person? 

Like, no, you were like, 'Oh no, now I have to be somebody else, I have to pretend around this person.' We don't want our children to feel that way. We want them to be their most authentic self…and to feel seen and heard and valued by us, which we're not going to give off if we're perfect.

 

Michael Anderson: Yeah. I love that. And maybe just to draw this home, I had an experience a few months ago where I just like finished doing some work, some parenting work. I had done some sort of training or whatever and I came home – you know, Mr. Parenting expert –came home and my kids were in the bath. My two boys were in the bath. So, I've got three kids, a little-- We had our-- We had our baby girl about 10 months ago. And then I've got a 5-year-old and a three-year-old boy. So, my two boys are in the bath, and I walk in just to kind of help out and see what they're doing. I walk in to find that my three-year-old had pooped in the bath.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Oh.

 

Michael Anderson: I was like, okay, I can handle this. I'm a parent expert; I know exactly what to do. And then he takes one of those little squirt toys and he squirts me with the poopy water in the arm. 

And I'm like, 'All right, take some deep breaths, Anderson…you got this, you can do it.' 

And then my five-year-old join joins in. And so, now they're both just squirting me with, with poop water. It was just like-- I remember saying, "That's it."

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yep.

 

Michael Anderson: "Out of the bath, go to your room, you're going to bed." Right? 

And my kids were like, 'But we haven't had dinner.' 

And I'm like, 'Well, then you shouldn't have squirted me with poop water. Get out of the bath.'

You know? And totally lost it. And I remember going out, taking a few deep breaths, coming back in and saying, "Hey guys, all right, we'll do dinner. My bad. Let's get some dinner. Please don't shoot down poop water." 

And I just, you know, and apologizing. I just say that to really bring this point home of just, there is no such thing as perfection; that's not even what our kids want. But me and my boys have a great relationship. We were laughing later that night because we repaired. I just think there's so much power in repair that parents can lean into.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: 100%. I think it's so important for us to talk about this more because as we do, people are like, 'Oh, okay, that person isn't perfect also,' because nobody is…if you think they are, it's because you don't know them well enough or you haven't seen them like in their home or whatever. 

And so, for me just to be like, 'Oh, this actually was a struggle for me and is still a struggle and this is how I respond to it.' Every day, I'm sure I have an episode where I feel really big emotions based on what is happening in my home or in my business 

 

Michael Anderson: Sure.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: -or in my life or whatever, and feel dysregulated. So, I remember when my kids were younger, and I was like trying to learn this parenting way – and I don't feel like I was really there yet – every time that I would feel really dysregulated, I would always tell them like, "You're grounded for the rest of your life," because I must have heard that so much when I was little that like, that's the first thing that came…like, not, I don't even think it just like would come out of my mouth. 

 

Michael Anderson: Yeah. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: And then I'd be like, 'Okay, wait a second.' Repair is actually the first work that I started doing. I think, before I started learning like…how do I regulate? What does it mean to regulate my nervous system? And like, why am I still triggered in the first place? I really learned repair first. 

So, I was like, 'Okay, so obviously I'm going to get really good at the skill of repair…and, now what? Now, how can I dig into; why was I so triggered by that? 

 

But what I would've love to touch on before we end is like, especially for men, I find it often difficult for them to feel feelings because it's been so shut down in them because they're like, it's been, have been given this really subconscious programming of; emotions are weak, we need to be strong, we need to be protectors, let's not feel…so much so that they don't even really think they have big feelings anymore. Or they think they're really in that center space of like, 'Oh, I'm just Zen all the time.' 

And I'm like, 'No, you can't. You literally just can't be Zen all the time, you have to feel something.' Right? 

So, how do you work with people in that? Like, how do you help them or help yourself through that?

 

Michael Anderson: Yeah, I think-- A few thoughts on that are first off, I think one of the most beautiful, powerful, incredible words of English language is the word 'curiosity'. We're not used to treating ourselves with curiosity. We tend to actually have-- We tend to actually give ourselves very rigid rules and expectations. And we're not used to curiosity. 

What I mean by curiosity is giving yourself the permission to just observe what's happening inside of you without judgment, without shame. And by what's happen inside of you, I mean the emotions you're having, the thoughts you're having about the emotions, the beliefs that you carry. Right? 

And so, for people in that space, I know for myself and for that people in that similar space, what you're talking about, I really ask them can to say, "Can we just actually just start with being curious?" 

Get curious about all of it. Get curious about like, is it possible that maybe this idea of emotions make you weak? Is it actually true?

Like, can we just get curious with it? Like, I'm not telling you to abandon it; I'm just telling you-- I'm just asking if you can get curious with it, right? And get curious with the idea that actually maybe you'll become a much stronger parent, you'll actually get what you're wanting more effectively when you become more open to emotions.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: And stronger in life, right? 

 

Michael Anderson: Yeah.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Like, imagine being this being the strength of like, 'I can feel all the spectrum of emotions and I can handle it.' Imagine bringing that into the workplace, into all of your relationships, into everything that you do…that to me is the epitome of strength.

 

Michael Anderson: Yes. Yes. Yes, there's a huge misconception that emotional regulation means that I'm not feeling-- I'm not feeling anything, right? That's not emotional regulation. 

Emotional regulation is actually being able to be very present with what you're feeling, and then choose a helpful response to what you're feeling. And so, I just think that's so important for many people; it starts with curiosity, just giving yourself permission to just observe and get really curious about what's happening inside.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yeah. Yeah. I think that is like number one. So, if you're listening to this episode and you're like, 'Okay, I want to-- I want to practice this skill a little bit more, I want to learn a little bit more about my emotions,' then just start there. Just start with curiosity. 

 

Michael Anderson: Yeah.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Even curiosity around like, maybe you do actually feel feelings more than you think you do. Because, I think, sometimes we just go right down to like numb it down, pretend it's not there, right? 

 

Michael Anderson: Yeah. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: And so, I would guess for anybody feeling that way, feeling like they are a little bit more Zen all the time, that curiosity piece is going to be really interesting. Like, how do I actually feel in this moment about this situation? So, thank you for that tip. 

 

How to connect with Michael Anderson

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I would like to end with just you sharing maybe a little bit about where people can meet you, connect with you, how they can work with you, especially for dads or couples who are really feeling called to work with like a male coach on these kinds of issues. 

 

Michael Anderson: Sure.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: I think it can be such a cool dynamic. So, yeah. Share all the things with us.

 

Michael Anderson: Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. The best place to reach me is LinkedIn. The only-- The downside of that is my name is Michael Anderson, and you can just take a guess how many Michael Andersons there are in the world on LinkedIn?

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes.

 

Michael Anderson: So, I'll give you my link, if you wouldn't mind just putting that in the show notes, the link to my LinkedIn and DMing me there. And there's also-- There's a link that on my profile, when you go there, you can book a free call with me just to talk about, 'Hey, what's your situation? Can I help you?' 

There's a link there as well to join the newsletter, my newsletter where I share insights about marriage, parenting, mental, emotional health, things like that. So, yeah, I'll provide my LinkedIn link for you, and that'll be the best place for people to get in contact with me.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Perfect. Okay. So, we will have all these links in the show notes, and you can reach out to Michael and share this message everywhere, because wouldn't it be cool to have a world where instead of kids being shamed or shut down when they have big emotions…they are welcomed, they're accepted, they are invited in--  

 

Michael Anderson: Totally.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: -and are taught about those emotions. Imagine what a different world it will be as those kids become adults, …like in workspace, in making decisions. Oh, my goodness…in politics. I can't even-- I can't even watch politicians speak to each other because they're just so dysregulated. But I'm like, why did they not have a life coach that's helping them regulate their emotions before they have these conversations? 

 

Michael Anderson: Yes.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: You don't want them making these emotions, they're making these decisions from their emotional brain.

 

Michael Anderson: Yes. I know. I totally hear it. Yeah. That's so funny.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Emotions-- Yeah, feeling your feelings will change the world. So, that's all you need to know. Thank you for being here so much, Michael. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. And I hope that a lot of people can be not only helped by this message, which I'm sure they will, but also connect with you.

 

Michael Anderson: Thanks so much, Crystal. Love what you're doing, love the community that you're building, and we just need more content like this. 

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Yes.

 

Michael Anderson: Thanks for what you're doing, and thanks for letting me be a part of it.

 

Crystal The Parenting Coach: Thanks for listening. If you'd like to help spread this work to the world, share this episode on social media and tag me – send it to a friend, or leave a quick rating and review below so more people can find me. If you'd like more guidance on your own parenting journey, reach out.